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Old 31st March 2012, 8:04 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by KathyM View Post
Wow, 7 years of waiting around for this guy before you even started dating him, and now he's an ex? That's way to long to wait for a relationship to develop. And in the case of the OP, the point of going to see her now is to determine if there is enough chemistry to take the friendship to the next level. It may work out or it may not, but I think he should make a play in person. Like I said, he doesn't have the luxury of time to build a relationship in person the normal way. A weekend or a week is not going to cut it. That's why he needs to make the play in person and get an indication of her interest in pursuing something more. Trying to build a relationship in a weekend, and then putting it back to long distance is not a good plan, IMO. People need lots of face to face contact to build a relationship and maintain a relationship, but he needs some kind of indication from her if she's willing to consider it before he moves there.
It's actually a *her* and she is my ex yeah. I haven't been waiting for the whole 7 years. I dated 2 others girls and she dated 2 other guys. That's what I meant by, if you don't want to be friend zoned, just get out of it. I doubt things would have developped into something romantic if we remained friends. I had to disappear several times and several years so she can actually see me as a romantic potential partner. If you're just there and available anytime, she won't value you.

Life just brought us back together in 2011. And yeah she he my ex because I screwed up and I did the wrong move to leave her again.

And one more detail that might differ... We we're best friends but we both secretly liked each other since we were 15 and 16 (we're 23 and 24 today)

Last edited by dev781; 31st March 2012 at 8:10 PM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 8:13 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Negative Nancy View Post
He chose to believe her without even giving me a chance.
On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.

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Originally Posted by KathyM View Post
I know some Christians believe that you have to know a person well in a group setting.
Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes. Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.

I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.
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Old 31st March 2012, 8:19 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by dev781 View Post
It's actually a *her* and she is my ex yeah. I haven't been waiting for the whole 7 years. I dated 2 others girls and she dated 2 other guys. That's what I meant by, if you don't want to be friend zoned, just get out of it. I doubt things would have developped into something romantic if we remained friends. I had to disappear several times and several years so she can actually see me as a romantic potential partner. If you're just there and available anytime, she won't value you.

Life just brought us back together in 2011. And yeah she he my ex because I screwed up and I did the wrong move to leave her again.

And one more detail that might differ... We we're best friends but we both secretly liked each other since we were 15 and 16 (we're 23 and 24 today)
Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. And I do agree with you that it's hard to develop a romantic relationship with someone after you've seen them as just a friend for awhile. I'm a believer in being selective in whom you date, but starting the dating process soon with a person you have an interest in, and setting it on a romantic tone early on--the first date.
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Old 31st March 2012, 8:32 PM   #49
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Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. And I do agree with you that it's hard to develop a romantic relationship with someone after you've seen them as just a friend for awhile. I'm a believer in being selective in whom you date, but starting the dating process soon with a person you have an interest in, and setting it on a romantic tone early on--the first date.
agreed, it saves you a lot of trouble but like Joey, I developped feelings for her after 2 years and after spending a lot of time with her... She liked me since day 1.
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Old 31st March 2012, 8:40 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.


Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes. Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.

I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.
Whether you want to call it courting or dating, same thing to me. I consider dating to be the same as courting. And I totally support you in your desire to remain celebate until marriage. I consider dating to be spending time with a person to get to know them--their personality, their values, their goals, their passions, their views on life. That's the only way you can really get to know them well enough is to spend one-on-one time with them. I don't think you really get to know a person well enough in a group setting like you would when dating them. It's time to take action and be proactive in finding that relationship. Getting involved in Christian activities and with your church is a good way to find like-minded people. And when you find someone there who interests you, ask them out. That is the way to get the ball rolling.
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Old 31st March 2012, 8:50 PM   #51
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Getting involved in Christian activities and with your church is a good way to find like-minded people.
I've been there & done that so many times already.

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.
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Old 31st March 2012, 9:28 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
I've been there & done that so many times already.

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.
Joey,
I'd suggest getting involved with church singles groups.
Maybe even try Christian online dating sites. I don't know much about online dating as I met my future wife before the Internet (1990s), but know people who met and later married through online dating.

The type of woman you want, the one you described, isn't an ordinary, "garden variety" Christian woman, which was what I wanted (at least).
While I'm sure they're out there, it's going to be hard to find the type of Christian woman you want, especially one that's still single at your age.
Just sayin' you might find more women like that through Christian-based online dating.

Intensify your involvement with churches, and not just your own church or denomination. Go to other churches in your area. Look for ones with big or strong singles groups.
That's how I met the first woman I ever had an adult relationship with -- that 30 y.o. virgin I met @26..... (We were platonic, she was firm about maintaining her virginity though I didn't press her. She made that point clear.).
Met her in a church singles groups in one of the city's larger churches.

On looking for girls in the "church circuit," also understand there are many sweet Christian women looking for men like you, particularly preacher's daughters, daughters of Bible college or seminary professors, etc.

Does this give you some ideas?
Maybe go to Bible school (again - night classes or summer courses) or seminary?
Why not?
Women used to say they went to college to earn their "MRS." degree...
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Old 31st March 2012, 9:34 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
I've been there & done that so many times already.

I've worked at four different camps in three different states for a total of two winters & six different summers. Even went to school dances during high school without a date & danced with random girls. Our high school had around 800 students & I met a lot of girls then. Attended three years of Bible College in two different states. Been on three mission trips: Idaho, Quebec, & the last one was a year long mission trip in Hawaii. I've always attended different churches, Bible clubs, youth groups, all of my life. I've met a bunch of people.

I just have a hard time trusting that God has somebody out there because I know through experience that the kind of girl I'm interested in is very rare. Pray that God helps me trust Him more.
Let's take one step at a time. Go to meet your friend and spend a week there. Tell her your feelings like I said. If she wants to keep you as a friend only, then do your world tour, become a missionary, or whatever your dreams are, but be open to inviting women on dates if they are people who appear to have the same values as you. Get the dating process started. And I will pray for you. I know God answers prayers, and He knows our needs. Trust that.
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Old 31st March 2012, 9:45 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
On behalf of jerky men I apologize that he treated you like that. I believe in listening & considering both sides of the story. I try my best to do that even if I hated the other person.


Are you describing courting? As in courtship? I believe in that to an extent as oppose to dating just to have sex. I believe that relationships is not just about sex but about friendship, romance, & partnership. In my teens I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I also started hearing speakers & people talk against premarital sex & I decided then that I would do my best to avoid making those kinds of mistakes.
That's good of you.
Real relationships aren't based on sex and I think people get into sexual relationships way too soon these days, even Christian women.
Not throwin' rocks at anyone as I wasn't so good in that area (only a couple of X in my 20s), but it's good to have that determination.


Quote:
Unfortunately I may have stepped back too far & avoided even the healthier kinds of dating.
Also good you see your mistakes or how being shy could have kept you away from good friendships with women AND men. I say men because if you do things with friends, one of your male friends may bring along a sister, female cousin or friend you might meet and end up dating. Or, he may know you're looking and suggest someone he thinks might be good for you to date.
It happens, Joey.

I'm proof that blind dates work. That's how I met my wife.

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I actually have spent most of my life keeping people at a distance including girls: I've done it myself a lot actually: I've forced myself to only be friends with a bunch of girls in my life & talked myself into not dating.

I'm 27 years old & I'm afraid that I may have waited too long.
You're not "too old."
There are many guys like you. Through these boards, I know a 40 y.o. Christian virgin man whose never been kissed nor asked a woman out, and know some guys in their late 20s that haven't even kissed a girl....

In my case, wasn't a virgin @26, but the simple fact of having quick casual sex a couple of times, that didn't really mean anything. Hadn't had an adult relationship, but that was gonna change...

You're at the age many of us "woke up" and decided we needed to do something to ramp-up our dating and meet more women.

I read many posts on LS and other boards about men and women in their mid-late 20s and early 30s meeting and dating. The woman may have been busy with graduate school so now she's met someone...

Take a gander at this thread:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...te-20s-30s-40s

See if you can gain some ideas from it on meeting women and summoning courage to ask them out during that first meeting after you get into some conversation and sense an interest.
Christian women are just like other women, they want the guy they're talking with to express interest. And soon.
You need to do some of this as you can't count on your out of state friend being "the one."

Last edited by FredRutherford; 31st March 2012 at 10:31 PM..
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Old 1st April 2012, 12:42 AM   #55
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A day or more after telling her I like her she blogged the following words: I just don't know if these words have anything to do with me or not:

Quote:
When you love and care deeply about someone. You love them for who they are. Nothing else matters. Its not about what they have & don’t have it’s about their heart, spirit, personality, their ambitious to live life! And if their heart not right with God they can keep it moving. That’s my point of view and that’s all I care about. And that’s all I want. No one can tell me other wise.
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Old 1st April 2012, 2:31 AM   #56
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Should I visit her? I'm not sure if she wants me to. I can't tell if she wants me to. It almost sounds like she was kind of not wanting me to come. Maybe she is ok if she can see that I am just her friend & that she can trust me with that.

I also wonder if I should introduce her to some of my good friends or family. Should I at all? Does that help a friendship or would it confuse her?
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Old 1st April 2012, 6:00 AM   #57
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I actually only have $150. A round-trip Greyhound ticket is about $240 & an Amtrak trip is around $150.
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Old 1st April 2012, 7:47 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
Should I visit her? I'm not sure if she wants me to. I can't tell if she wants me to. It almost sounds like she was kind of not wanting me to come. Maybe she is ok if she can see that I am just her friend & that she can trust me with that.

I also wonder if I should introduce her to some of my good friends or family. Should I at all? Does that help a friendship or would it confuse her?
Joey,
Go ahead and plan the trip.
Tell her you're going to visit and plan to arrive on such-and-such day and here's what you plan to do.

See how she reacts.
I think Kathy's right on this: You need to make a move.


Quote:
I actually only have $150. A round-trip Greyhound ticket is about $240 & an Amtrak trip is around $150.
Usually, the bus is cheaper than the train, but the train is more comfortable. Amtrak has wider seats...
Whichever one you do, when you purchase the ticket, ask to see if you can take an earlier one back on the return, in case it looks like staying a whole week isn't such a good idea....

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Old 1st April 2012, 5:40 PM   #59
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Plus my mother is getting married April 20th near Seattle. But I think I only have enough money for one trip. If I have to choose between the girl & my mother, I think my mother understands how much I care about the girl.
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Old 1st April 2012, 5:47 PM   #60
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Plus my mother is getting married April 20th near Seattle. But I think I only have enough money for one trip. If I have to choose between the girl & my mother, I think my mother understands how much I care about the girl.
If money is that tight, maybe you better hold off on the trip until you can afford the ticket and living accommodations when you are there, as well as money to spend on doing things with her while you are there. Just continue the friendship and save up for the trip. Then take the trip when you can afford it. If you've been friends for 19 months, I don't see that it's a now or never kind of thing. You have to have money for the trip before you buy the ticket. You're going to have to have money to stay in a hotel and for other expenses. Start saving for it, then make the trip.
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