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Ever fell in love with your best friend?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 30th March 2012, 1:23 AM   #1
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Question Ever fell in love with your best friend?

You're just her friend but then you start liking her. So what do you do? I met her August 2010 at a week-long Christian young adult retreat. She asked me some questions about missions & how we should go about following God's voice. She didn't introduce herself to me but instead just started asking me questions. Before that I never knew she existed. It was during free-time late at night & she was sitting at a picnic table. So I sat down & tried my best to answer questions.

I was just minding my own business & some girl starts talking to me. I was shocked. She must be talking to me. I didn't know who she was. So I sat down to give her my best.

Because her questions were so vague I started asking her to tell me more about them & then about herself. She didn't reveal much but I started becoming curious about her. She was holding a lot back. I could tell that she was thinking about several different things. The conversation lasted ten minutes or maybe less. It felt like an eternity to me. I am a people person & I love talking to people but there was something different about her.

I was having everybody sign this notebook. So I had her sign it too. Well, she said she needed time to focus. So she took the notebook back to her cabin. Possibly the next day she came back with it. That might have been the last day too. So after camp I was finding my new friends on Facebook. I eventually found her too & we started chatting on FB.

A month later I asked her for her number. She lives in a different state. She asks why & I say, "Because I enjoy talking to you."

So we start talking on the phone. To this day I still talk to her for about an hour each week. She usually calls each Monday. Around Christmas 2010 she tells me I am one of her best friends.

But slowly over time I start liking her as more than just friends. So I finally decided to tell her over the phone that I like her 2012 March 9th Friday.

I can tell you how I told her.

I could also tell you why I like her so much.

We have talked since then.........

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 30th March 2012 at 1:25 AM..
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Old 30th March 2012, 1:38 AM   #2
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Hey, Joey,
Welcome to LS...


Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
Ever fell in love with your best friend?
No, I haven't.
Unlike you, I never really formed close friendships with women.
Looking back, that was a mistake as I see it shows guys how to interact with women, even if the female friend doesn't turn into a dating partner.

They say best friends often make the best marriage partners.

You appear to be good at conversation and really listen to what the other person is saying. You detected she was holding something back.
Perhaps that was her showing interest in you, in her own shy way.

You've got something special with this lady.
As you're close friends, she trusts you in ways she might not if you were just some guy she met somewhere who asked her out on a date.

But as a man, you will want to date her and maybe turn the friendship into a romantic relationship.

You don't want to be "just her friend..."

You need to act soon, as other guys are likely interested in her too.
If you can, try to go visit her and interact with her in-person, as online or long-distance dating is different than real-life dating when you live close to each other.

Have some other ideas but will wait until later.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post

You're just her friend but then you start liking her. So what do you do? I met her August 2010 at a week-long Christian young adult retreat. She asked me some questions about missions & how we should go about following God's voice. She didn't introduce herself to me but instead just started asking me questions. Before that I never knew she existed. It was during free-time late at night & she was sitting at a picnic table. So I sat down & tried my best to answer questions.

I was just minding my own business & some girl starts talking to me. I was shocked. She must be talking to me. I didn't know who she was. So I sat down to give her my best.

Because her questions were so vague I started asking her to tell me more about them & then about herself. She didn't reveal much but I started becoming curious about her. She was holding a lot back. I could tell that she was thinking about several different things. The conversation lasted ten minutes or maybe less. It felt like an eternity to me. I am a people person & I love talking to people but there was something different about her.

I was having everybody sign this notebook. So I had her sign it too. Well, she said she needed time to focus. So she took the notebook back to her cabin. Possibly the next day she came back with it. That might have been the last day too. So after camp I was finding my new friends on Facebook. I eventually found her too & we started chatting on FB.

A month later I asked her for her number. She lives in a different state. She asks why & I say, "Because I enjoy talking to you."

So we start talking on the phone. To this day I still talk to her for about an hour each week. She usually calls each Monday. Around Christmas 2010 she tells me I am one of her best friends.

But slowly over time I start liking her as more than just friends. So I finally decided to tell her over the phone that I like her 2012 March 9th Friday.

I can tell you how I told her.

I could also tell you why I like her so much.

We have talked since then.........

Last edited by FredRutherford; 30th March 2012 at 1:40 AM..
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Old 30th March 2012, 8:17 AM   #3
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Do I need to ask her for permission to visit her?
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Old 30th March 2012, 8:28 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by quickjoe View Post
As opposed to showing up unannounced? The answer to your question is "yes."
How long should I visit? I will ask her if I can visit but she use to tell me that was fine before she knew I liked her. I told before I wanted to move there & she liked that idea, especially since we're good friends, she said I could be her extra set of eyes.

I told her I liked her over the phone March 9th & we have talked since but I haven't brought up visiting her again yet. I didn't want to overwhelm her. I want to investigate a way to visit her first & then ask her again. I'm thinking Couch Surfing or something. Any ideas or tips on travelling & cheap places to stay?

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 30th March 2012 at 8:33 AM..
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Old 30th March 2012, 8:34 AM   #5
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I also wrote her a four page love letter after telling her I liked her over the phone. When she received the letter in the mail she started reading it but then said she wanted to read it by herself before she got too embarrassed. I might have wrote too much in this love letter to her. But it was my forth letter I have ever wrote to her. I previously wrote two birthdays & one Christmas letters since I met her 19 months ago or so. But she had no idea I liked her.

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 30th March 2012 at 8:37 AM..
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Old 30th March 2012, 11:09 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
How long should I visit? I will ask her if I can visit but she use to tell me that was fine before she knew I liked her. I told before I wanted to move there & she liked that idea, especially since we're good friends, she said I could be her extra set of eyes.

I told her I liked her over the phone March 9th & we have talked since but I haven't brought up visiting her again yet. I didn't want to overwhelm her. I want to investigate a way to visit her first & then ask her again. I'm thinking Couch Surfing or something. Any ideas or tips on travelling & cheap places to stay?
Joey,
A weekend visit should be fine.
As you live in separate states, that shouldn't be too much.

Here's what I suggest:
You call her this weekend and tell her you're going to visit her city next weekend.
You want to spend some time with her and get to know her better.

The key is to make the date casual. You don't want to seem to be "pressuring" her.
If she says she doesn't want to "date" you, tell her you don't either. Say you find her interesting and want to see her in-person.

When there, spend time together in situations where you can talk. Do things like visit community fairs, festivals, visit a city park, enjoy lunch together, visit a museum, etc., anything where you two can focus on interacting with each other.


On travel:
Go to Barnes & Noble or your public library and look in the travel section. There are books on how to travel cheap, that list places like hostels, boarding houses, etc. that don't charge much for overnight stays.
If you can't find any place like that, look for the less-expensive (but not flea-bag) hotels, like Motel 6, which I think charge $35/night.

Check tripadvisor.com. I use that for reviews on hotels, places to visit, etc. There are forums there as well.
Have seen people post questions like "What are the best places to stay/ dine in such and such city..."


Moving to the dating stage:

You're in a unique situation with this woman. You're a close friend.
But unless you're asexual and happy with remaining alone, you won't want to remain "just her friend."

Think how you might handle this if she lived near you. If you liked her and could see a potential with her, you'd likely take some steps to move the relationship beyond casual friendship.

You two talk to each other (via telephone, vs. PM/ IM/ email) an hour a week. That's a lot of actual conversation (vs. internet communication).
Can't say I spent that much time total (phone then, no internet in early 90s) talking with women I dated ( rather... tried to date ) when I was single.
Clearly, she sees you more than just a friend.

But you need to handle this carefully.
You surely don't want to "scare" her away or make her uncomfortable.
That's why I suggest making your own lodging.

Wouldn't suggest moving to that city and changing your life in that way, just yet....

Don't express your feelings for her so much. That's natural but the other can often get scared if the person they're dating tells them they love them or have feelings for them "too soon..."
My brother once told me to never be the one to say "I love you" first....

Recently asked my wife what she would have thought if I had told her I was falling in love with her and was looking at her being my wife... early in our dating.... like in the first 2-3 dates.
Same if I'd tried some sexual moves on her (too early).
She said she would have thought I was odd and may not have gone out with me again.


Joey,
You need to tell us your age & dating experience.
If you haven't dated much, there are other things you need to do but will save those for a future post...

The key is: make some moves like telling her you're gong to visit....

Last edited by FredRutherford; 30th March 2012 at 12:33 PM..
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Old 30th March 2012, 8:36 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FredRutherford View Post
A weekend visit should be fine.
Today, I asked her on the phone if I could still visit her & she said it was still fine. So I basically got the same answer as I've received before she knew I liked her. I told her I would stay in a hotel or something. I asked her how long? She said, well, "I don't know." I suggested two weeks. She suggests that I bring a friend for the trip. I question, "Because I might get bored by myself?" I can't remember how she exactly responded to that.

I brought this up after we were talking about possible summer plans. I told her I was not exactly sure except to say I feel like I'm about to jump off this cliff & become really busy in life like I use to.

Right now I'm trying to organize my life & go through some old projects, get rid of the junk in my life. I want to be able to be as light as possible. I want to be able to travel the world with just the clothes on my back & maybe a backpack. So, before I know it I might just leave America & never ever come back.

I then told her I'm just scared that I might become too busy for people as soon as I run off & do the things that I've been wanting to do since I was eight. Our first conversation ever was about missions & we've talked about these kinds of things many times before, sometimes weekly, these past 19 or so months since I met her August of 2010 in real life. This is usually the kind of thing we talk about the most.

I told her I'm scared of making the wrong decisions of going down the wrong path. I mean, I want to make sure I become the right kind of missionary to the right place at the right time. So I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen. I don't exactly know the future. But then I said that there is one thing I do know for sure that I do want to do.

I want to visit you.

At one point she said she kind of paused when I brought this up. She then asks just to make sure, "You want to see me, you mean just as friends, right?" I said, of course.

By the way, I'm a virgin & have no experience in dating at all. It technically sounds like she is not interested in dating me at all. She says we are just friends & nothing more or it kind of sounds like that. I still would like to visit here still.

To me it just sounds confusing for her to say she wants to be just friends with me but I feel deep inside that there might be something more & it is just odd that we are so close & she tells me like all of her secrets. It is just strange that she feels like she can trust me so well but it seems like she doesn't like me like me like I like her.

She did ask about when I would come visit her & I said I will let her know as soon as I figure that out.

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 30th March 2012 at 8:51 PM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 12:17 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post

So I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen. I don't exactly know the future. But then I said that there is one thing I do know for sure that I do want to do.

I want to visit you.

At one point she said she kind of paused when I brought this up. She then asks just to make sure, "You want to see me, you mean just as friends, right?" I said, of course.
....
It technically sounds like she is not interested in dating me at all. She says we are just friends & nothing more or it kind of sounds like that. I still would like to visit here still.

To me it just sounds confusing for her to say she wants to be just friends with me but I feel deep inside that there might be something more & it is just odd that we are so close & she tells me like all of her secrets. It is just strange that she feels like she can trust me so well but it seems like she doesn't like me like me like I like her.
Okay.... she may really only want to be friends.

But, if you feel things for her and think she could become a GF, then by all means, pursue her.
However, as you've told her you plan to visit as "friends," I'd honor that.

For this first date, I'd plan on keeping it cool during the visit and acting like you want to remain friends.
Really. Don't press her to become a full-fledged GF.

As you're new to dating, this might be a better strategy anyway, to go in without any high expectations and interact like friends.

However, most women, even though they say they "don't want a relationship," I think they can often be convinced.... but this first date wouldn't be the time, IMO.

HINT:
the "I don't want to be in a relationship" excuse often means
"I don't wanna be in a relationship -- with you..."
Sorry. That's the way women act, Christian or not.

By going to see her in-person and spending some real time with her, one on one, she may realize you are great guy and one she could fall in love with.
So I'd be patient here.

Something else... she may not have dated much and may honestly not be really interested in dating.
She could have been "burned" by other guys in the past, so she doesn't trust this new guy....
Being patient with her may show her how you're different....


Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post


She did ask about when I would come visit her & I said I will let her know as soon as I figure that out.
That's encouraging...
Still, go see her but don't put on any pressure.

On physical contact, hug her upon greeting.
You two have communicated a long time. You're friends. Friends, like at church, hug each other in greetings, so give her a good hug.

Not sure about a kiss at the end of the date.
Usually, I advise against kissing on the first date as the other may not be "comfortable' with it yet.
However, if things look to be good and the weekend went well, and it seems she might want to be kissed, give her a light peck on the cheek, nothing heavy or on the lips.
Usually, don't kiss on the first date but this is a weekend visit in a LDR... so maybe it would be okay.
But if she's firm on "being friends," then maybe don't.

However, have read on these boards women kinda "expect" their guy to show some affection, and women by and large expect the men to initiate in the physical arena. So it might be a good idea.

When I dated my future wife, I didn't try to kiss her on our first date.
I think I did on the second, or maybe it was the third, weekend date.
As we parted in the parking lot before she got into her car, I think I held her hand and said goodbye, and leaned forward to kiss her on her pretty cheeks.
Methinks at that moment, she was expecting a kiss.


You'll need to read the signals, though, and see if it feels right.
Even if it isn't clear, it might be worth the risk.
For sure, give her a good hug. That shows interest.
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Old 31st March 2012, 6:52 AM   #9
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I've told her on the phone & in the letter that my number one priority is in honoring her friendship.

I believe in commitment, in keeping my word. When I tell her something I want her to know that I mean what I say & that I can be trusted. I specifically told her that I didn't want my feelings for her to betray our friendship. I actually used the word "Betrayed." I really did tell her in the letter & on the phone that I really like her more than anybody but I promise not to ruin our friendship over that.

I left a message on her phone two days after I told her I like her: in it I said "I don't want you to feel like you just lost a friend."

Early on (October 2010) she'd tell me how much she needed me in her life because she needed encouragement because she never had a friend like me that could encourage her, be there for her, to talk to her, to give her advice, or just to listen to her.

December 2010 on Facebook she tells that I was one of her best friends. Later she specifies that I am one of her top two friends. I don't know who the other friend is I don't think.

She always tells me about the people that come in & out of her life & how she gets disappointed when people leave her life, & I don't want to be one of those kinds of people.

I'm choosing to focus on commitment to her instead of surrendering to my feelings.



Quote:
Originally Posted by quickjoe View Post
Where are your actual feelings in all of this at the moment?
Mixed feelings.

Sometimes I ask myself:

Do I love her because I love her or because I'm lonely?

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 31st March 2012 at 6:55 AM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 7:19 AM   #10
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I was actually talked into telling her I like her. A few close friends, including my mother, all suggested it. My original plan was too casually visit before telling her.

I don't know if I regret giving into this advice.

They say you don't want to wait too long before telling a girl. Maybe I should have just said I was interested in her. Maybe I said too much to her already. Some people told me that if I don't tell her soon enough that it might become too late & she may find a man & run off & get married before you get over. I'm not sure if I made the right decision by telling her in the exact way that I did or not.



Quote:
Originally Posted by FredRutherford View Post
Being patient with her may show her how you're different.
I cannot change the past. Past mistakes are irrelevant now because I need to be focused on being the right kind of friend to her.

I strongly believe that good friends can become lovers. I will do my best to show her that I care instead of just saying that I care, instead of just trying to flatter her with words.

I believe that if God wants us together that God will work in her heart over time. I totally believe in patience. Besides, if I can wait almost two years for her already then I can wait even longer if necessary.

I believe that I'm mature enough to be a husband.

She always tells me that she is really good at receiving vibes. She uses the word vibes. In other words, she is really good at reading people.

Yesterday I asked her for the first time about how she met me. Well, she said that she just saw me here & there at the retreat & saw that I was really happy like all of the time. She said she introduced herself to me & we sat at the picnic tables. Looking back at it I'm thinking that was our first date in a way. I think that is all she said about how we met. I still can't tell if she is holding anything back from our first meeting or not.

But as soon as I can visit her I'm praying that God gets a hold of her senses because her ability to read people could come in handy. I'm praying that God can help her read me so that she can just consider me & contemplate me in person.

She can reject me but I would rather she reject me in person. But I'm not going to ask her for anything when I go see her. I'm just going to come there & I will do my best to contribute to her life. We share in our ability at reading people.

So I'm praying that God helps me read her too as I see her in person. If I feel led to or if she wants a hug or something like that then I will totally give her a hug. Growing up I was never a hugging kind of person. We both have abusive, alcoholic fathers, which means we may both be incline or less likely to be affectionate towards others because we both weren't raised that way. So she may not be used to hugging people.

But at the same time we both may need affection so much more anyways because of how we were both raised.

Last edited by JoeyArnold; 31st March 2012 at 7:27 AM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 10:42 AM   #11
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She suggests I bring a friend when visiting her but do I have to?
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Old 31st March 2012, 11:30 AM   #12
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I don't understand why one of the posters said she was into you just because she talked with you every week for more than an hour on the phone. That's not a sign of romantic interest. She could like you as a very good friend, that's all.

A weekend was a good suggestion, but two weeks? I'd say, the "bring a friend with you"-comment is quite telling of her feelings for you. She does not feel comfortable with having you over for two weeks, not alone at least.
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Old 31st March 2012, 1:06 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post

They say you don't want to wait too long before telling a girl. Maybe I should have just said I was interested in her. Maybe I said too much to her already.
Some people told me that if I don't tell her soon enough that it might become too late & she may find a man & run off & get married before you get over. I'm not sure if I made the right decision by telling her in the exact way that I did or not.
Good points.
You HAVE been dating, the weekly telephone communication.
She's an adult and should understand that.

Don't regret your confession her. Any other man would do that.
She may not be "ready" for a relationship, but you as a Christian man have nothing to regret.

Think of it this way:
Say a woman meets another guy, maybe not a Christian. He's not going to be so concerned about her feelings and just proceed, in many areas. He'll have her, not you, so you do need to act.

Quote:

But as soon as I can visit her I'm praying that God gets a hold of her senses because her ability to read people could come in handy. I'm praying that God can help her read me so that she can just consider me & contemplate me in person.

She can reject me but I would rather she reject me in person.
But I'm not going to ask her for anything when I go see her. I'm just going to come there & I will do my best to
contribute to her life. We share in our ability at reading people.
That's wise. Keep it casual. First dates should be casual anyway. Don't get into your relationship status, what you want from her, your dating histories, etc.

Quote:
So I'm praying that God helps me read her too as I see her in person. If I feel led to or if she wants a hug or something like that then I will totally give her a hug. Growing up I was never a hugging kind of person. We both have abusive, alcoholic fathers, which means we may both be incline or less likely to be affectionate towards others because we both weren't raised that way. So she may not be used to hugging people.

But at the same time we both may need affection so much more anyways because of how we were both raised.
Hugs are good and non-threatening, esp. among friends.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeyArnold View Post
She suggests I bring a friend when visiting her but do I have to?
I wouldn't, especially for a brief weekend visit.
If you were going to be there a week or so, I could maybe see her concern.

Tell her you plan to be an honorable man and am not going to do anything she'd regret.

Perhaps it would be good to get a Christian woman's viewpoint here.
I know some on this board, but they're married, though one recently got married. May point them here. I think that could provide you some valuable insight.

Last edited by FredRutherford; 31st March 2012 at 1:12 PM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 1:16 PM   #14
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I don't understand why one of the posters said she was into you just because she talked with you every week for more than an hour on the phone. That's not a sign of romantic interest. She could like you as a very good friend, that's all.

Plum,
They've been talking VIA TELEPHONE (vs. email/ IMs ) for over a year. That's a long time.
She may be shy, but she's clearly expressing interest.

If she weren't interested and met another guy, and began dating him, do you think she'd still be talking with the OP on the phone for an hour a week?
That's a big commitment.


This situation sounds like this other LS poster, Teknoe's experience with a lady he met at church. They would go out for coffee, meals, etc., after church.
He never made a move, like reaching over the table and lightly holding her hands, or setting up "real dates."
Now she's met another guy and they're proceeding to getting engaged.

Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

They WERE dating, no one just officially called it that.

Last edited by FredRutherford; 31st March 2012 at 2:13 PM..
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Old 31st March 2012, 3:52 PM   #15
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Plum,
They've been talking VIA TELEPHONE (vs. email/ IMs ) for over a year. That's a long time.
She may be shy, but she's clearly expressing interest.

If she weren't interested and met another guy, and began dating him, do you think she'd still be talking with the OP on the phone for an hour a week?
That's a big commitment.
Don't be offended, but you have no clue about women... And commitment is the wrong word. She is not calling him in order to please him, she is getting something out of it and if she didn't, she would reduce her calls.

They both sound young and clueless. She probably doesn't understand that he was going to misunderstand her phone calls and he doesn't understand that her behavior doesn't look very promising for romance in the near future.

I just saw she told him she only saw them as friends?! And no, talking to someone on the phone who is considered a friend is NOT DATING. How old are you two?
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