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Friend Vanishing act?


Yankeecandle

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Yankeecandle

Howdy!

 

I was wondering if I could illicit some advice from all of you, so comments-good or bad, are appreciated.

 

I became friends with S. a number of years ago, we shared some common ground in terms of hobbies and I can be funny in a tragic sort of way so the friendship just sort of naturally sank into something comfortable for both of us. God saw fit to curse me with far too many sisters, so I've always been one of those guys who could slip into friendships with ladies and not have it become weird. Well, I should say at one point I fell into that category. S had a boyfriend at the time of our first meeting and it was a very long relationship apparently. I never saw much of him because we had otherwise separate groups of friends, and she never really talked about him unless things were going poorly anyway. Things between S and I were strictly platonic so I had no problems being a shoulder for her to cry on and it never gave me any illusions either. After I got a new job however, things began to get strange. S would call and text frequently, more than usual, and expressed interest in finding activities we could do on my days off. She became friends with one of my sister legion, and as a result ended up hanging around at the house a lot. She became very flirtatious and 'handsy' during this period-always starting play fights or attacking me, giving me pet names, making strange off hand relationship comments-and when she was drunk she would attempt intimacy. I was caught off guard, and since she had a boyfriend-disregarded it. She would apologize about it later, but continued repeating the cycle. When we eventually had a confrontation over it, she claimed to love her boyfriend and kinda tossed me under the bus. I wrote her off, but after a while, she started finding ways to contact me and started hanging out with my sister again-thus the entire cycle kicked back into gear. (When I broached the topic of whether or not she had some sort of feelings for me, big or small, she would protest sincerely that she had none). In many ways she seemed to be acting like my girlfriend though-she'd make extra efforts on my birthday, try to hold my hand during movies, sat all up on me, gave me deep, cheek pressing hugs, and would call me before she went to bed, often refusing to hangup even when she was clearly passing out. Occasionally she'd would end these conversations after saying she loved me (i wrote it off as sleep babble). She'd also get angry if I talked to other girls and facebook stalked me a bit. She maintains she has no feelings for me though, so I don't press the matter.

 

Flash forward a while-she breaks up with her boyfriend. Things are going a little roughly for her, she started picking up more hours at work, school commitments loom, the list goes on. I worry about her, naturally, so I poke around to see how shes doing. She says she's depressed and wants to spend time alone, i let her know I'm there for her, that I understand, and if she needs anything at all im right down the street. After her breakup, she basically stopped hanging around or speaking to anyone. It's almost impossible to contact her. I recently had some deaths in the family, which took a tremendous toll on me and basically reduced me to rubble. I reached out to S a number of times to no avail until I discovered she already had a new boyfriend (she had previously claimed, adamantly, that she was not seeing anyone let alone jumping into another relationship [she began this relationship a week or two after the breakup). I was very fragile at the time, and I'm ashamed to say I fell to pieces. The friendship was, despite its weirdness, a very comfortable and safe place for me, and I tried to bury myself there after the recent tragedies. This did not work out well, S seemed uninterested in being there for me in any capacity. In fact, she vanished altogether.

 

I don't understand what happened. My grief makes any logical approach to comprehending this turn of events impossible. What was the deal here? She resisted ever leaving her boyfriend (it was discussed, i was not going to be "the other man" as it were) but she claimed that I was this vital part of her life. We were always able to communicate, even about awkward stuff, so this lack of any communication at all confuses me. I don't understand how she could go through all the motions of friendship and then just dip out on me. I invested in her, she appeared to invest in me, was this friendship just to tow the line until she could escape her relationship? I have tried once or twice to reach her as the months crawl by, but she screens my calls and had her new boyfriend answer once, so I stopped trying. She was always very upfront and detrimentally blunt-she was able to break up with her boyfriend of forever, so why cant she at least tell me that our friendship is over too? The last time we spoke I told her if she wanted a fresh start it was fine, and we could part on good terms, but she refused to say anything but "we will always be friends'. It would be fine if she flipped out and told me to leave her alone or something, but being totally ignored sucks. And why lie at this point?

 

edit: i do wonder if losing the friendship is secondary to the concept of losing the area i felt comfortable dumping emotional things? She was my go-to person for life crisis stuff, perhaps it bothers me so much because I know i don't have a backup?

Edited by Yankeecandle
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Hey Yankee,

 

From what you've written it looks like your friend needed someone to relate to when she was in trouble but is unable to reciprocate those same actions when you needed them most. I suggest slowly distancing away from S, despite your close relationship to her, because she will not be able to support you when you need it. Rather, she may only come to you on her terms. In my opinion this type of friendship doesn't offer you anything worthwhile as it may only leave you feeling used. Until S realizes that she needs to put some effort into helping you with your problems, which I suggest you let her figure that out for herself, then distancing yourself from her is the best solution.

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She sounds to me like a selfish person. I have a person like that whom I no longer called friend. She used me and now she completely forgets me because I am no longer useful to her, because I am replacable.

You better forget your friend may be she will realize how important and genuine your friendship is in 20 years.

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First of all, I'd like to express my condolences for all of the losses you've been through---reduced to rubble is a good term for it.

 

It's very hard to go through that, in and of itself--and having a friend turn their back on you when you need them the most , just compounds the pain immensely.

 

I understand the confusion you're feeling right now about her behavior towards you....it can leave your head spinning. (I've had a few former friends do the same thing to me. *notice I said 'former'...;)*)

 

In your case, I think your friend was grooming you as a potential back-up plan, in case her relationship didn't work out.

 

The sad, hard truth is---she wasn't considering how her actions would affect YOU.

It was about her needs---not yours. She was using you.I'm sorry, I know it hurts to hear that.

I believe that when things like this happen, it's not an intentional desire to hurt someone else---it's more a lack of emotional maturity, and empathy.

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The Straightener

She's a user and a loser. Do not waste your time on her anymore. Back off and let her be. Maybe she'll come to realize in time what a great friend she had and lost and may want to make amends. But by that time, would you want her back as a friend?

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Yankeecandle

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am beginning to understand the toxic nature of the relationship, i suppose, in my grief, I would attempt to circumvent even a minor loss. I feel quiet lost, to be honest, foggy-is perhaps a better description.

 

This friend contacted me through text yesterday; "Ok, you are officially crazy. Calling from a private number and pretending to be Ben? That is so ****ed up its not even funny"

 

I have no idea who Ben might be, but I was shocked to have received word from her so suddenly about something she knows full well I would not have ever done. It makes me wonder just how she framed me in her mind all this time anyway. I responded telling her that I had no clue what she was talking about, and if the number was not private she could easily discern who it really was. I asked if she knew a Ben, and, like a fool, also added again that if she doesent want further contact from me, just to say so.

 

she responded only with I don't know a Ben.

 

 

Time to call it quits on this one. I'm tired.

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