LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

"Friend" keeps dumping me as a friend


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th October 2011, 2:08 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 9,408
"Friend" keeps dumping me as a friend

So, I have this friend who has some issues. She's a sweet, fun girl most of the time, but now and then she gets in these moods and "dumps" me. The last time she did it, she wrote this e-mail to me and another mutual friend telling us she didn't want to talk any longer "due to a busy work schedule". When I e-mailed her back to thank her for dumping me as a friend again, she tried to soften it. But my attitude was basically: whatever.

Now, 2 months later, she called me and left a message asking me to hang out, acting like nothing ever happened. The mutual friend told me she called her, too.

She dumped us last time after that friend and I took her out to dinner for her birthday, and then dancing. You're welcome for us taking you out! I think she had her panties in a twist because a guy was flirting with my friend and another guy was flirting with me and no one was flirting with her. This is ridiculous, because most of the time, men are all over her. She wasn't getting attention for 5 minutes and freaked out by demanding that we leave the club immediately. I only gave in because she was my ride, I didn't feel like paying for a cab, and that club's music was lame.

Should I bother with her anymore? I do have a lot of fun with her when she's not being a weirdo. But I'm getting tired of the yo-yo. What would you do?
__________________
"My thoughts emit energy into the universe." -Nikola Tesla
Ruby Slippers is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:21 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,111
Doesn't sound like a very good friend to have if she keeps dumping you on a whim. I would suggest telling her next time she calls you that you'd prefer to keep it like it is, and part company.
KathyM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:27 PM   #3
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,593
i have a busy work schedule which some friends understand - and some don't
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:27 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 9,408
Yeah. That's what I'm inclined to do. But I'm a softie and feel for her. Her mother is nuts, and this friend had a serious family tragedy a couple of years ago, which only exacerbated her mom's craziness.

She's told me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, and I know her erratic behavior is nothing personal. When she's being normal, we do have a fantastic time.

I guess the question is: do I want to accept her as is, crazy and all, or not? I will think about that.
Ruby Slippers is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:45 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: on and off the grid
Posts: 7,852
Journal Entries: 1
If you're doing just fine without her, don't let her back. If she is going to bring something you're missing and really want, then acquiesce (with some proportionate skepticism). Good luck.
Feelin Frisky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:50 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6,111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
Yeah. That's what I'm inclined to do. But I'm a softie and feel for her. Her mother is nuts, and this friend had a serious family tragedy a couple of years ago, which only exacerbated her mom's craziness.

She's told me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, and I know her erratic behavior is nothing personal. When she's being normal, we do have a fantastic time.

I guess the question is: do I want to accept her as is, crazy and all, or not? I will think about that.
I think she needs to learn that she can't be treating people like that. Rough times in life are no excuse to treat people badly. If she really has been an asset in your life and you want to keep her as a friend, you may want to tell her that it's hurtful when she drops you as a friend, and that true friends are supposed to stick with you and not come and go over minor issues. I think telling her what your expectations are as a friend and defining what true friendship is may help to give her pause the next time she is thinking of flaking on you.
KathyM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:54 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Art_Critic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 29,232
Your response might be something like emailing her last dumping email to her with no comment
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Art_Critic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 2:56 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
Yeah. That's what I'm inclined to do. But I'm a softie and feel for her. Her mother is nuts, and this friend had a serious family tragedy a couple of years ago, which only exacerbated her mom's craziness.

She's told me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, and I know her erratic behavior is nothing personal. When she's being normal, we do have a fantastic time.

I guess the question is: do I want to accept her as is, crazy and all, or not? I will think about that.
When she contacted you to hang out like nothing happened, and you called her out on it, what did she say?
Eddie Edirol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 5:49 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 9,408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eddie Edirol View Post
When she contacted you to hang out like nothing happened, and you called her out on it, what did she say?
I haven't responded to this call yet. But when she has done similar in the past, I told her that it's hurtful and not cool when she cuts off the friendship for trivial reasons, and that each time she does it, I'm less open and trusting with her next time around. I told her that a normal part of any relationship worth having is discussing problems that arise and resolving them.

But I think the things that cause her freak-outs often have nothing to do with me. It's just about her own control issues. Her mother is extremely controlling and manipulative, so sometimes she gets this edge of anxiety about her, often fueled by her insane mother's demands and ridiculous expectations.

She talks to me about her mom and asks for my advice, and I always give it.

I think I need to ruminate on this for a few days. I'm not sure which way to go. In spite of her behavior, I still want to be a good friend and give her the benefit of the doubt. But my life is going really great right now, and I don't need any drama.
Ruby Slippers is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 6:37 PM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: New York City
Posts: 6
Gonna have to agree with the other posters, Ruby. It's great that you want to be a good friend to this girl, but if she dumps you as a friend, you take her back and the cycle repeats itself, it just sends the message that she can take advantage of you, only have you around when she's in the mood, and get rid of you when she's not. That's not what real friends do.
The best thing to do? Terminate her as a friend. Tell her that she can't dump you when she feels like it, and expect you to come running back when she snaps her fingers. It'll be hard, it'll be harsh, but it'll be what she needs to hear. The harsh words of a friend are better than the soft words of an enemy.
jeffinthecity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2011, 7:42 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,141
Yeah I think you need to dump her permanently. I dont think you would last too long letting her dump you at her whim and then contacting you like nothingsd wrong. Eventually you will crack. Might as well start now. She has to realize at some point that there are consequences to not getting her emotions under control, especially when it has nothing to do with you.
Eddie Edirol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th October 2011, 12:39 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 9,408
jeff and Eddie, I see your point.

She called me later that day and left a message apologizing for what happened. She said, "I guess when life gets hard, I tend to push people away." I certainly relate to that defense mechanism, as I can be that way in my romantic relationships in particular. But I have come a long way in that area.

I'm still thinking about what to do. Best case scenario, I'll give her one last chance to step up, then end the friendship if she pulls the same crap again.
Ruby Slippers is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10th October 2011, 12:45 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Woggle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Santa Monica California
Posts: 28,191
Keep her around but don't expect anything from her. I have friends like this who I am on good terms with them but I know they are just completely unreliable.
__________________
You know people have completely lost it when you can no longer tell the difference between real headlines and Onion headlines.
Woggle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th October 2011, 12:51 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 4,509
I don't understand why she goes so far as 'dumping' you. What's wrong with saying that she's busy at the moment and can't meet up as much so will get in touch when her diary clears up? Why the dramatic statement?

I'm with the people who say dump her.
january2011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th October 2011, 2:38 AM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 6,967
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
I haven't responded to this call yet. But when she has done similar in the past, I told her that it's hurtful and not cool when she cuts off the friendship for trivial reasons, and that each time she does it, I'm less open and trusting with her next time around. I told her that a normal part of any relationship worth having is discussing problems that arise and resolving them.

But I think the things that cause her freak-outs often have nothing to do with me. It's just about her own control issues. Her mother is extremely controlling and manipulative, so sometimes she gets this edge of anxiety about her, often fueled by her insane mother's demands and ridiculous expectations.

She talks to me about her mom and asks for my advice, and I always give it.

I think I need to ruminate on this for a few days. I'm not sure which way to go. In spite of her behavior, I still want to be a good friend and give her the benefit of the doubt. But my life is going really great right now, and I don't need any drama.
Hi Ruby. I had a friendship with a woman for five years who behaved exactly like your friend does with you. She would end her friendship with me on a whim, going silent for months sometimes only to resurface via a random text message or email that she's back in my life again. If I dared to disagree with her opinion on something, she's cut me off for weeks with no explanation. Once she cut off my friendship for an entire year only to tell me a year later that she felt she had to distance herself from me because my need to communicate and resolve conflicts in a timely manner with our friendship made her feel guilty for the way she treated me. Unbelievable! She's the most manipulative an self-centered person I know. Anyway, I put up with it for 5 years before I said "enough is enough" and ended the friendship once and for all. No one (you nor I) should be treated like that by a friend. You have good insight. Her "Freakouts" have nothing to do with you. But you need to ask yourself why you continue to let this cycle occur with this friend of yours. Healthy friendships don't operate this way. And if you're happier without her friendship then why do you continue to let her disrupt your life? I don't miss my toxic friend at all. I'm glad she's not part of my life anymore because real friends don't cut you off when you disagree with them about something, or bring up an issue you have concerns about. Real friends listen to each other, and try to resolve the conflict together with a compromise so that both people's needs are met. Your friend isn't doing that. It sounds like you do all the work and let her emotionally manipulate you.
writergal is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My mini-rant on "platonic" relationships, "friend-zone", etc y2k Friends and Lovers 2 20th December 2010 3:50 PM
new male "friend" makes slightly mean "jokes" ecm Dating 19 28th November 2010 4:39 PM
"Friend" pretty much claims I'm crazy and needs some "time off" always_searching Friendship 2 10th June 2010 11:29 PM
Old "friend" suddenly "back in my life"...now that I'm dating her old crush. mintjulep Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 0 25th January 2006 4:46 PM
I love my "girl"friend, but "guy"friend in way Lost_Alias General Relationship Discussion 2 18th April 2004 9:45 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:17 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.