Lying to Spare One's Feelings?

[aprilbaby]

My so called best friend lies to spare my feelings.

 

His family does not accept our friendship. His mother is always very strange when I am around. She can not seem to be her relaxed self. I think she does not like me because she thinks I want to trap her son in a romantic relationship. She does not even know anything about me. Also, our relationship is purely platonic.

 

So my friend conveniently lied to me when I asked him what was going on for the holiday with his family. He lied to me saying that it was going to be a quiet laid back family gathering. I did not believe him since I know his mother likes to entertain. Later, I found out that some of his other friends were joining his family for the Thanksgiving weekend and also going skiing. His mom likes his other friends who happen to be women but they are lesbians so I suppose they are not a threat to her.

 

I was flying out of town to be with my family so of course I was not invited.

 

This is also not the first time I have caught him lying to me or actually withholding information. I e-mailed him before I left for vacation that I was mad at him for lying to me. I wasn't mad that his other friends were having dinner and going skiing with him and his parents. I am just tired of his lies.

 

Am I being petty? Do I throw away a friendship because he wants to spare my feelings?

[SoleMate]

Lying is bad, no matter what the justification. There may be a little good in it, but there's so much bad (destruction of trust, etc.) it almost always outweighs the positive (if any).

 

Besides, it's not certain that he was thinking of your feelings first and foremost. He may just have been trying to save himself from dealing with your anger, which is actually quite different.

 

If you want to stay friends with him, how about not putting him into a situation where he would be tempted to lie again? Just don't ask him about his mom or her arrangements any more, especially if you know you won't be invited.

 

Not sure I could handle that myself, though.

[Caddy]

Honestly is and always will be the best policy. Telling white lies to spare people's feelings can just cause further heartache and heartbreak. I wouldn't tell you to totally dissolve the friendship over one lie. But if a serious of lies start to rash out, then you should reevaluate your friendship with this guy.

[moimeme]

I'm all for discussing things with people. Have you had a frank discussion with him? Does he know you know his mother doesn't want you around? Does he know you'd rather have him tell you 'We're having a big party; unfortunately I can't invite you - you know how mother is' than to make up a story? If not, have the discussion.

 

Then, if he still continues to lie, you'll have to decide whether you want to put up with it or not. I finally cut one friend off because he had problems with honesty.

[aprilbaby]

Thanks for all the great insights.

 

Yes, he does know that I know how his mother feels about me.

 

This is not his first lie. He lied to me earlier in the year. That one was a really big lie, actually a series of lies.

 

Last year around this time, his mom was trying to set him up with a new young colleague of hers. He never told me about this new woman and so everytime he drove home (1.5 hours), he spent the weekend with her and his family. I grew suspicious. He seemed to be going home more frequenly than usual. I found out about the woman and confronted him. We talked for about 12 hours that day.

 

In our talk, it was uncovered that he had lied to me over and over and over again. He said he wanted to be a better person and not lie anymore. He said he wanted to be with me. (It was difficult at first but time passed and I started feeling almost comfortable again.) He had lied to his family and friends about our relationship by not telling anyone that we were spending so much time together. We were almost living together. Since the can of worms was out, he could no longer hide me from his family and friends so he finally came clean with everyone, even the new woman. ( I even met her at a couple of family dinners.)

 

However last week, when he lied to me, I just did not want to deal with him any longer. I thought he knew that I have a high regard for honesty and I don't like playing games. I just do not know how many times I have to tell him that he should be truthful to me and if I can't handle the truth well, then that is my problem. I just hate it when people lie because they don't want to face the music if there is any. I just don't think he gets it.

 

My previous boyfriend was always honest with me. He had the courage to tell me things that I probably did not want to hear but I am glad he did not withhold the information. I always repected him for that. (In that relationship, I had to deal with 2 of his ex's and one of them was his first love. We lasted about 5.5 years. )

 

My gut feeling is telling me to dissolve the friendship and remain cordial. I just can not hang out with someone who lies. I don't even think he sticks up for me with his family. He just lets his mom run the show. Even his father sides with mom, only to keep the peace.

 

How did you cut off your friend who lied to you?

 

It would be easier for me to cut off my friend if we did not work in the same building. I just need some space and time away from him. I guess I just really want him out of my life.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. You guys are great!

[moimeme]

So this guy isn't just a friend; he's an ex.

 

I'm with you on this one. You have given him chances and he keeps on lying. Nobody needs that sort of garbage.

 

How do you do it? Just cut him off completely. If he calls, make the call very brief. If he wants to see you, be busy. I don't think liars ever change so it's likely not worth your while to hang on to this guy.

[Desert Wind]

How did you cut off your friend who lied to you?

 

By being HONEST with him about it. It could be that he never knew any other way than to lie in order to get attention away from his mother. Obviously his mother feels the threat for whatever reasons but if he is sincere about friendship with you, he wouldn’t have to make such excuses, especially not when you are aware how his mother is.

 

By being honest with him about how YOU feel, it might be a possible chance he will change the way he behaves if he really values your friendship. If not, either you accept him the way he is and enjoy him as and when you see each other or if you can’t then you need to remove yourself from him.

 

Desert Wind

[jenny]

i agree your fellow seeks to avoid confrontation rather than save your feelings, so you need not feel any remorse about amputating him. sometimes the passive-aggressive approach, not matter how cowardly, just seems like the easiest way out.

 

some of his behaviour seems familiar to me. i'm usually an avoider while ending relationships as well, but i would simply just not return calls and slowly become hostile to a pursuing party rather than lie. lying would just take too much effort, and when it's done, it's just done. the rest is tiresome placating. i also would not hide behind my mother, but i have claimed 'work' or 'art' when i've lost interest or they demand way too much intimacy. in his position i would only be associating you with blame, guilt, shame, and irritation. not great, i agree, but those of us who pull this stuff have often never had a functionally confrontational model to follow. we often associate conflict with only negative, petty, vindicative and painfully unproductive memories.

 

life is too short and there are too many people to waste time on the dull - this boy is ambivalent, at best, about you and you deserve better. disengage with his family, with his lies, and with him. he is rejecting you without closure, ceremony, or real remorse - the best revenge is to call him on it *once* and then move on.

[aprilbaby]

Hi All,

 

Thank you for all your support. I really need to hear/read your thoughts on this matter. I have taken all your advice to heart and I am just afraid of having a weak moment, and will not be able to follow through with cutting him off.

 

 

This morning, I flew home after spending T-day with the family. It was wonderful to be away for a week. I felt strong.

 

 

Now, being back at work, I have been somewhat emotional, sad and angry. I just took a long walk to release some of the tension.

 

I felt as if I had lost my best friend.

 

It was very nice to come back to my desk and read all your posts.

 

I am going to re-read them.

 

Thanks!