Have I been manipulated?

[craig841]

A couple of weeks ago one of my female friends split up with a long term boyfriend and it really hit her hard...it was an unhealthy relationship in which she neglected her friends and the rest of her life and put all her eggs in one basket, spending all hours of the day with him. Unsurprisingly they got fed up of each other and split up, but she was and is still in love with him. After the breakup I was there for her and spent time with her as she was really screwed up by it and he had treated her somewhat badly during the breakup.

 

Well one night last month we ended up getting together for a while (just kissing no more...she stopped me before I went further) and we didn't really discuss it until a few days ago. We concluded we both thought it was a bit of a mistake, and reinforcing that I learned that her and her ex had been in contact and that they wanted to try again, doing things differently this time. Since she was so beat up about the first breakup, if this is going to make her happy then I'm all for her trying again with him.

 

But having made the possible mistake of telling her that two of my closest friends knew about what happened, she basically had a mini-freakout and said that no-one can know about what happened because it would get back to her ex and things would probably be over between them. Despite me telling her that they will not mention anything to anyone about what happened because it's not their place to, she went on at me for it for ages and said that we should both agree that we only kissed for a few seconds and we pulled away, when it was more like 10 minutes with us lying on her bed.

 

The annoying thing she said was that 'she wouldn't want to lose us (me and my friends) as friends over this' if it got out. Now I know how selfish people can get when it comes to relationships and their happiness (so I'm using a bit of tolerance here), and obviously I'm not going to go around off-handedly gossiping to people about it (neither, I hope, will my friends), as I would gain no pleasure out of it. However the mere fact that she said this in advance makes me feel like I'm being emotionally blackmailed over something that is her mess to sort out, not mine, and that she would also hold me responsible for the breakdown of her other friendships if that situation arose.

 

Is this a situation that needs to be solved or should I just leave it? If I'm right, then honestly it wouldn't devastate me to lose her as a friend, as I hate being manipulated like this. But what about my friends, one of whom is especially close to her?

[spiderowl]

You've been supportive and kind to her during a difficult time. She was vulnerable and in need of affection and so you were you - nothing wrong in that at all. You both kissed for a while and presumably she realised it wasn't a good idea if she wanted her ex back, so she stopped. A few thoughts come to mind:

 

- you can't control what your friends say but you could hint that they'd best not say anything as she wants to get back with her ex. I presume you'd keep quiet too.

 

- rather than asking this of you and your friends, she should really be thinking about how to explain this to her ex - i.e. she was feeling vulnerable after the break-up and you and she kissed for a while. She's obviously desperate her ex doesn't get the wrong idea. Personally, it sounds like he's the one who makes all the decisions, not her, and she probably won't get him back anyway.

 

- I don't think it's fair of her to ask this and it is up to her to own her own behaviour. It would be grown up of her to stand by it too. But, she's weak-willed and still under his thumb. She's willing to sacrifice her friends for him, but it won't do her any good trying to manipulate others with threats. She's just going to end up losing her friends because they don't like this behaviour!

 

- Generally, unless you deliberately want to upset things between her and her ex, I'd keep quiet and find someone else to get close to. This woman is not going to be a reliable girlfriend to you now or even if her ex rejects her. Let her have her rope and hang herself, as it seems she's bound to. She's just not mature enough for someone like you.

Edited August 7, 2011 by spiderowl

[craig841]

- you can't control what your friends say but you could hint that they'd best not say anything as she wants to get back with her ex. I presume you'd keep quiet too.

 

Done. They've said they won't say anything.

 

- rather than asking this of you and your friends, she should really be thinking about how to explain this to her ex - i.e. she was feeling vulnerable after the break-up and you and she kissed for a while. She's obviously desperate her ex doesn't get the wrong idea. Personally, it sounds like he's the one who makes all the decisions, not her, and she probably won't get him back anyway.

 

See that's the thing...she said they had spent a bit of time together this summer and are jointly thinking of getting back together. But you're right about the decision-making...he was the one who broke up with her and told her in no uncertain terms that it was over forever before changing his tack...he has her locked down.

 

- I don't think it's fair of her to ask this and it is up to her to own her own behaviour. It would be grown up of her to stand by it too. But, she's weak-willed and still under his thumb. She's willing to sacrifice her friends for him, but it won't do her any good trying to manipulate others with threats. She's just going to end up losing her friends because they don't like this behaviour!

 

Is she villainising me in this whole situation by implying that I caused all the bother? I'm not totally sure...

 

- Generally, unless you deliberately want to upset things between her and her ex, I'd keep quiet and find someone else to get close to. This woman is not going to be a reliable girlfriend to you now or even if her ex rejects her. Let her have her rope and hang herself, as it seems she's bound to. She's just not mature enough for someone like you.

 

No I have no intention of putting the cat amongst the pigeons with this...and you're right she's far too messed up at the moment to warrant getting any closer to her.