History repeats itself with a friend

[writergal]

How does that saying go, "bad excuses are worse than none." Or "a bad excuse is like a lie that's hidden."

 

Both apply to this so-called friend I've had for a few years now. When I texted her to get together to talk after her grad school party, she waited 3 days to text me back that she'd had an "emotional weekend" which I knew was a total crap excuse. Crap excuse is worse than none, or her way of lying to me why she couldn't get together.

 

Some context about the friendship: We met through mutual friends a number of years ago. It was always about me providing her with emotional support, and her shunning me when I came to her for the same, for starters. Anyway I got fed up and cut off contact with her (not that she even noticed mind you as she's never called me unless it was so I was free to be her temporary "agony aunt" or garbage receptacle. Just recently after a yearlong break from our friendship, we ran into each other. I was annoyed that she refused to address the issues that caused the long break in our friendship but that's always typical for her. Our friendship has been imbalanced from the start. Imagine a friendship between a mean antagonist (her) and total doormat (me) and that sums up the dynamics between us. (Why I allowed that kind of friendship into my life speaks to my low self esteem but anyway.)

 

Anyway, history repeated itself yet again with this friend. She invited me to her I-finished-my-masters-party. I arrived before the other guests because I had made plans for that night but told her I'd stop by to say congrats. Well, I brought her a small graduation gift and we chatted for about 15 minutes. Right before I had to leave, some of her other friends arrived. She completely ignored me as I was leaving, didn't even say goodbye or thanks for the gift. Since she's never been a great friend I don't know why it upsets me but it does. She's always treated me like that and I was the one to initiate the long break because I felt she was toxic, since everytime I had something positive going on she conveniently had something even grander to top mine, or would have a stockload of criticisms ready to spew at me. Always ending with the "you're so lucky to have a friend like me." Ugh. I was unprepared when our paths accidentally crossed again and thought I was taking a huge step forward by going to her gradschool party. But the way she treated me there left me even more irritated...with myself as much as with her. I totally deserve better from friends in my life, and I can't believe I let history repeat itself.

 

I'm not a doormat with my other friends which feel more mutual to me - meaning that these other people actually respond with happiness and support when I have something good to report going on in my life, or they are there to lend me a hand if I ask them for help. Why do I let people like her into my life as friends when clearly they are not the right kind. This friend is exactly like this childhood friend I was forced together with because our mothers were college friends. Doesn't mean my childhood friend and I should have been friends. She was SO bossy that our kindergarten teachers would tell my mom that I flourished and was happier when my friend was absent from school. Seems like I repeat that pattern with some women friendships in my life and I'm not sure why. I don't want those kind of antagonistic, bossy personalities in my life. Yuck. How do I break this pattern of toxic friendships?!

Edited June 2, 2011 by writergal