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How do I deal with this negative friend?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 8th May 2011, 2:30 AM   #16
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Are most of his friends female?

This would explain a lot....

Guys wouldn't be so tolerant and nurturing, usually, of a dude (or 'bloke' as we'd call him in the UK) being so dispirited.
It brings unrest in the ranks and demoralises the gang....
He'd be shunned pretty quickly, as others caught his measure....

Women on the other hand, seem to have a more highly-defined nurturing side which makes them feel empathy and compassion, in the sense that we feel ousting someone of this kind would be cruel.
So, we keep them towing along and pretty soon, their problems invade our space. And then their outlook becomes our problem.

Their outlook - Is NOT our problem.

This is why, although I see the error in the gender approach, you really do have to "man up" and kick him to the kerb.
in whichever way feels right, productive and self-preserving for you.

The way you do it is up to you, to fit in with your nature and methodology.

But there is no female equivalent of 'man up' or 'grow some balls'.

However, at times - it still needs doing....
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Old 8th May 2011, 1:50 PM   #17
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He has a good mixture of men and women friends. His male friends do handle it differently by NOT taking any of his complaints seriously. They sort of treat it as a joke or just something amusing.

Yes I need to grow some metaphorical balls. I will need to back out of some plans now but I'll feel better for it. Thanks for all the advice!
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Old 8th May 2011, 2:11 PM   #18
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Okay I have one last thing to get off my chest: I have been through some tough stuff lately and came out better for it on the other side. So has one of our other friends. We've both been through tough ****. So you would think that this friend would be happy for us that we managed to get through it and find some happiness in spite of all the bad things. Even now, things aren't perfect for me but I can focus on the good and not let the bad eat away at me. I think that is why I was confused by his attitude at first. Friends should be glad when you turn things around, right?

But instead he just criticizes this other friend. And I think he revels in the fact that my recent ex-bf was a dickhead to me. I think it makes him feel good to see my relationship fail. I mean, he was actually happy when his other friend broke up with his fiance. Now that this person is dating again, he's unhappy about it. I mean geez why can't he be happy that his friend is moving on in life!

Of course I know the answer to this: he is jealous, bitter, etc. It just really bothers me. It hurts that my so-called friend wants me to suck at life. Anyway thanks for listening to me vent. haha.
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Old 9th May 2011, 5:24 AM   #19
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I would totally ditch him.

Really, why hang around with someone who treats you like crap? You're better than that.
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Old 9th May 2011, 6:30 AM   #20
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He doesn't sound very friendly.
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Old 14th May 2011, 7:24 PM   #21
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So today was the first day since his birthday that he contacted me. He called me up and I considered not answering, but I figured that would be cowardly and I should just answer it and say no to whatever he wanted. So I answered the phone. He invited me out for a coffee and I said no thanks because I was about to head out somewhere to do some shopping (which I was). He then asked me where I was going and if I wanted company. To which I said no not really. There was silence on the line at that point so I just explained that I was planning to be there for a very long time since I am doing my gardening shopping. I didn't apologize and I didn't offer to meet up some other time instead. He said okay and we ended the call.

I felt bad at first but now I am sort of annoyed that he would try and invite himself along on my errends run. In the past I wouldn't have minded I guess, but it really made no sense for him to go with me. I don't know what he would have done while I stood for an hour in front of the vegetable seeds comparing seed packets (which is exactly what I did).
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Old 14th May 2011, 8:06 PM   #22
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Don't feel bad for not inviting him.

I've browsed through all the posts in the threads and I feel like it would be best to get rid of him. There's only so much you can do to help a situation and when nothing changes then you must move past it. I've dealt with people like him. Tried explaining things to them and it was like talking to a brick wall.
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Old 30th May 2011, 10:37 PM   #23
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You know, just as I've managed to go a few weeks without talkign to this person, I ran into a mutual friend of ours that I haven't seen in months. It was really great to see him and catch up a little bit. We happened to discuss this friend of ours. I mentioned I don't talk to him much because of his negativity and rudeness. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I was really curious to see what he thought about that. He (mutual friend) just acknowledged that yes he can be a downer but that he has always accepted him for the way that he is.

So basically this person has always been this way, I guess I just never saw it before. But other people did.

He (mutual friend) then invited me to a group thing that's happening. If I go, then this person I am trying to avoid will be there. I am not so sure I can just blow him off like that or it'll make things awkward with other people in the social circle. I am more on the fringe of the social circle though so I don't know. I am just keeping my distance until I figure out a way to approach this.
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Old 16th June 2011, 5:51 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ross MwcFan View Post
I would totally ditch him.

Really, why hang around with someone who treats you like crap? You're better than that.
agree,you must know which are real friends
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Old 10th July 2011, 9:56 PM   #25
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So it's been over 2 months now since last seeing him. He called me once and left a message which I did not respond to. One of our mutual friends called me the same day asking if I was going to his Canada Day event, so I called him back to give him my answer. So he probably knows that I am talking to other people and not him.

I noticed today that he is no longer a subscriber to my blog. He's probably pissed at me. But what can I do? I feel so awful. It's like I at least owe him an explanation but I don't feel comfortable giving him one unless he ASKS me why I'm not talking to him.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update. I'm meeting up with one of our mutual friends next weekend, so maybe I will hear something about how he's complaining about me. Whenever any of his friends don't answer his calls he just complains about them....rather than asking himself WHY they don't return his calls....sigh...

ETA: Actually i'm wondering if he unsubscribed because he can see how well it's starting to do. people from other websites, more popular major ones, are taking notice and asking to link up with me. He probably can't stand that I'm doing well while he's been talking for the past 3 years about writing and has yet to sit down with a pen and paper. It hurts when people can't be happy for me.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 10th July 2011 at 10:22 PM..
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Old 14th July 2011, 5:10 AM   #26
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validation form other people isn't necessary when we feel confident we're doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing.

Remember, his not being happy for you, is nothing personal. he does it to everyone who proves him wrong. Don't isolate yourself and hold yourself responsible for his stupidity.
He has a brain between his ears, and could use it, if only he'd see sense....
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Old 14th July 2011, 6:11 AM   #27
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thnx for sharing good job +rep


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Old 22nd June 2012, 1:53 AM   #28
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Updating this because I got back in touch with this person and things haven't changed. Even though we went a year without speaking.

I won't even go into details. Let's just say that I patiently listened to him talk about things, mostly about this new girl he is dating. He was mostly complaining. Then when I tried to share something about myself, he put it down. He didn't ask any questions about what happened, when it happened, didn't appear to really care about my feelings. Just insulted me for the fact that I chose to try some online dating (he thinks its no good even though his friend met her husband that way). I was sharing the fact that dating wasn't going well for me so it kinda shocked me that he would put me down I mean come on, it's not like I was bragging!! Why kick me when I'm already down?

I don't think he is happy in his new relationship, by the way. He seems to be just pretending. So I am leaving him alone to it. If putting me down makes him feel better about his fake relationship then screw him.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 22nd June 2012 at 2:12 AM..
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