love in an elevator - in front of the MD at work

[NatoPMT]

My friend is out of control, and i dont know how to handle her. I have known her for 2 years (met her at work), shes divorcing her husband for his abusive behaviour, and she is struggling to come to terms with it. 2 months ago she tried to commit suicide and was sectioned under the mental health act - shes been seeing a councellor since then, but i dont know much about how shes getting on.

 

Our friendship was severely tested when she made a pass at my ex, i cut her off until i had dealt with it, and we have rebuilt our friendship and although she is EXCEPTIONALLY high maintanence, i felt that i was getting through to her, she no longer cries all weekend about some slight misdemeanor on a friday night - the stuff if someone else did it would be funny, but if she does it she thinks its the end of the world. i have managed to show her that the small stuff doesnt matter and her confidence is improving

 

my current dilemma is this:

Thursday night was our company party, held in the actual office as opposed to a bar - we both got way too drunk, but as the party was ending, she ended up kissing a guy in the lift, had i not been so drunk, i'd have grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and hauled her off, but i was skipping off oblivious to what she was doing. the lift went up and down with people getting in& out for 40 mins apparently - i fell over and cracked my head outside so had to be put in a cab home so i missed what happened next. When i got to work the next day, she called in sick and as the day progressed, it became clear that this was a nightmare situation. it was announced in a high level meeting that she had sex with this guy in the lift, in front of loads of people, including the company MD - the senior managers were all talking about it. i think work stuff is a bit more relaxed in the UK - we dont have the same law suits and non-relationship rules, but this situation is pretty much unheard of.

 

I went with her boss to speak to the facilities manager who told us the whole story - the lift door opened, her clothes were all over the lift floor with this guy 'mauling' her. The manager chucked them out, where they had sex in the street outside the office. He said he didnt see that, but has been told about the street bit, he also said it looked like she was away with the fairies, she didnt know what she was doing - we should all have taken some responsibility here, but everyone was drunk and unfortunatley, noone did. in retrospect, the manager should have called her a car and waited with her

 

i have spoken to her on the phone, and i dont think she knows what she did, i havent spoken to her since i found out the whole story so i reassurred her everything was fine, at that stage i thought it was a drunken snog in the lift - now its spreading like wildfire as this other dude she insulted is doing his best to make sure everyone hears about it - he is dangerous, if he wants to ruin someone, he does. I have just had a text off her this morning saying shes not even worrying about the party - she clearly doesnt know what happened.

 

firstly, how can i get through to her to stop drinking?

2nd - when she finds out that everyone knows, she may face disciplinary, she may have to make an apology - she is going to freak - she cries hysterically for hours. I have to tell her before monday as she'll get hauled in the office, i dont know how much to tell her, should i keep some details back? or when, is it better to tell her now so she has more time to get over it before monday - but shes on her own for the w/end, and shes not stable. she said on the phone yesterday morning if everyone was talking about her shed have to leave work - she cant deal with not having approval, and this is going to be her worst possible senario.

 

does anyone else have friends like this? how do you handle them?

 

thanks in advance

[moimeme]

we should all have taken some responsibility here, but everyone was drunk and unfortunatley, noone did.

 

I can't believe, in this day and age, that a large group of adults would behave like high school kids at their first booze binge! I can't remember the last time I saw one person that drunk, much less a whole party.

 

firstly, how can i get through to her to stop drinking?

 

Maybe by setting an example? You yourself were so drunk you passed out and hit your head! Good lord, woman!

 

2nd - when she finds out that everyone knows, she may face disciplinary, she may have to make an apology - she is going to freak - she cries hysterically for hours. I have to tell her before monday as she'll get hauled in the office, i dont know how much to tell her, should i keep some details back? or when, is it better to tell her now so she has more time to get over it before monday - but shes on her own for the w/end, and shes not stable. she said on the phone yesterday morning if everyone was talking about her shed have to leave work - she cant deal with not having approval, and this is going to be her worst possible senario.

 

You know what? Maybe that kind of embarrassment is just what she needs to shake her out of being that irresponsible about alcohol. She probably does need prior warning, but she'll need the help of her counsellor. Can you tell her in person and then insist she talk to her counsellor right away?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Moimeme is right on target!

 

While its admirable that you would feel responsible for your friend, she is an adult and is responsible for her own behavior and actions.

 

If you want her to STOP... then you must allow her to hit rock bottom and suffer the consequences of her mistakes. It's the only way she'll learn from them. If you save her the embarrassment and reprimands, she'll only escape long enough to do it another day.

 

Tough Love applies to friends as much as anyone else. Support her, but whatever you do, don't enable her.

[NatoPMT]

Thanks for the responses - much appreciated.

 

kind of expected mellys response, the drinking culture in the UK is very different to the US, here the drunker you are the most hilarious it is considered, i know theres a point where you have to say this is a problem, and despite me keeling over, i dont have a problem and me not drinking is not going to lead by example, she wont stop if i do, i only go out with her rarely and she has lots of other people she can drink with - but thats a symptom, not the problem. The booze bingeing happens in every pub and every bar in the UK every Thursday, Friday & Saturday. Its the norm. it may be different, but thats really not something that i can stop the whole of the UK doing.

 

the problem is that she has such low esteem that she drinks too much and hides behind it, she doesnt have a drinking problem, its the rest of it thats the root of it and this is just indicative of the lack of respect she has for herself. she could have done this sober to a certain extent.

 

what i am concerned about now, is how to handle this, she very nearly committed suicide recently - if she needs a shake up - dont you think that would have been it?? yes, she needs to come back to earth with a bump, but she is SO exceptionally fragile that she could try to kill herself again - thats what rock bottom is for her, she was sectioned, thats where you are taken, against your will into the custody of the health service.

 

i need advice on how to tell her what shes done, i dont know if what i am going to say is going to push her over the edge - she needs help and i have to be able to get through the first bit, when i tell her - in the right way.

 

and when i said stop drinking, stop drinking so she cant control what shes doing, she isnt an alcoholic, i am sure of that, we have discussed how much she drinks and she agrees that she drinks to excess but only on these occassional binges.

 

i cant tell her in person because shes too far away for the weekend, and i cant tell her & get her to her councellor - unless its first thing monday morning, and she needs to deal with work then.

 

Is she responsible for her own actions right now? isnt that what mental health issues are about? i am no expert on this, thats why i am asking for help, not judgement.

 

its not a case of embarassment, although she will see it that way, its a case of being frightened she will hurt herself or this will tip her over the edge.

 

not sure what you mean by 'enable'

 

thanks

[moimeme]

i cant tell her in person because shes too far away for the weekend, and i cant tell her & get her to her councellor - unless its first thing monday morning, and she needs to deal with work then.

 

Who is she with? Do you know them? Can you talk to them and enlist their aid?

 

 

here the drunker you are the most hilarious it is considered

 

Surely not everybody lives that way? Sounds pretty dysfunctional! Reminds me of hearing stories about Russia and the vast amounts of vodka consumption that used to be such a problem - and may still be, for all I know.

 

Yeesh! Look what I found:

 

So, as a nation, we should also tell it like it is. We are Britain, and we are an alcoholic nation.

We drink too much, too fast and too young, and the consequences are a national menace. It is a menace we happily inflict on others too. Every summer we export it to places like Ibiza and Rhodes. And, increasingly, British stag night drinking is making life a misery for cities such as Dublin and Prague.

[snip]

This country's public alcoholism is now so widespread, so openly encouraged and promoted, that it may have become impossible to restrict.

http://society.guardian.co.uk/drugsandalcohol/story/0,8150,867523,00.html

[NatoPMT]

Just to let you know, i have spoken to her and i now think that this serious, she says she can remember trying to stop him but cant remember anything else, she has bruises between her legs and on her face but thats all she knows.

 

its on cctv so that will tell the full story. but this guy has been thrown out of another office party for being to aggressive with women.

[moimeme]

its on cctv so that will tell the full story

 

Good heavens! Wonder if it'll make it to the news here?

[EnigmaXOXO]

enable: To make able; give power, means, or ability; to make possible or easy.

 

One does not have to be an alcoholic (physically addicted) to have a problem with alcohol. One can also be “alcohol dependant,” which means they rely on alcohol in order to lower their inhibitions and have “a good time.” There are many people who have not yet reached full blown alcoholism, but feel they need it in order to feel comfortable in social situations. It both cases, neither the addicted or the dependant know how to determine when enough is enough. They drink to get drunk. Period.

 

Unfortunately, those who are alcohol dependant can soon become physically addicted and graduate into alcoholism.

 

It is okay for you to be supportive when giving advice and encouraging your friend to monitor her behavior and drinking. But if you buy that friend a drink; encourage her to party with you; cover for her at work; and save her from suffering any consequence when her drinking leads to trouble, you are then making it easier for her to continue her self-destructive behavior. Thus, it is referred to as “enabling.”

 

I’m not sure how much your friend drinks, or if there is any other kind of chemical abuse which might lead to her depression. Only a trained professional would be able to determine whether it was chemical induced or the result of some biological imbalance and/or personality disorder.

 

I know how difficult it is to be in your position. I have been through this myself with many friends and relatives. The most difficult part is learning where that fine line is between “helping” and “enabling.” But if you care about her enough to get involved, there are many ways you can educate yourself on the subject.

 

Whether or not you are the one who tells your friend what she did that weekend, I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough. But you can’t allow yourself to feel guilty or responsible for how she reacts to the information. Unless you can devote yourself to her full time to chaperone, she will always find the time and the means until she gets REAL help. You were no more responsible for what she did that night, than she was responsible for what happened to you.

 

By the way…how’s your head??????

 

Sounds like one h*ll of a party!!

[lipglossboost]

It sounds to me as if she was raped. No one deserves to have their choices taken away, no matter how 'altered' their state.

 

If she truly was violated, she will need counseling for that, as well as the other issues. Get her to a rape crisis center right away. They are trained to handle these types of incidents and the emotional upheaval that occurs following them.

 

 

Here in the USA, we have RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network ... you can visit their site at www.rainn.org

[NatoPMT]

Thanks for your replies guys. We've pieced together what happened, and i think we were spiked with something, i worked out i only had 4 drinks, and she had about the same. There were 2 guys together in the lift - one of them pulled me into an office and i remember him reading my security tag and saying my name and me pushing him off - thats the last i remember, i am fairly sure nothing happened as i was only away for a few minutes according to someone that was with us. When i got back to work, the cctv had 'diasppeared' and the facilities manager vastly VASTLY played down what he had told my boss & I. My friends boss told her nothing had happened and she is happy to believe that - shes asked me not to mention it again.

 

the whole thing is highly dodgy & i am shocked at my company for this, but she doesnt want to take it any further, and i dont either.

 

enigma - see what you are saying, and i am going to talk to her about the drinking and putting herself in danger. i have seen over the last week how she looks to me to support her when shes ashamed of herself & to make her feel better when she does behave badly, which in case i dont think she had a choice, but in others she does.

 

melly - that paste is EXACTLY what its like here. we are a nation of drunkards.