Best friends boyfriend and I don't get along

[ShoeGirl]

My best friend has been dating her coworker for a little over a year, while I don't have a problem with him as a person, I do have a problem with how he treats her. He has essentially given her a curfew even though they don't live together, he will drive by her house most nights and if she is not home by around 11 he starts calling and texting her asking where she is. He doesn't like her to drink too much (2-3 drinks max) yet he will sit there and order drink after drink. He is in control of what nights she can go over to his house, yet he will just show up at her place whenever he wants. He has quite the temper and will out of the blue get mad over something but no one knows what it is, for instance one night at a bar we were all sitting at the bar, me, her, then boyfriend. She leaned over to talk to me and put her hand on my leg, asked me a question then leaned back to her seat. He blew up and started yelling at her about how he can't trust her even if he is sitting right there, it turns out he was mad because she touched me but not him. He has thrown all of her clothes/belongings out of his house, he has taken this out on her at work and made her do some of his work, etc.

 

Anyway I am sure you get the picture. After the bar incident about a month maybe 2 ago I have not been too willing to hang out with him around. He is aware that I don't like how he treats her and he is mad that I don't like him and he's taking it out on her.

 

He wants her to give him another chance because he states that he has changed yet in the last week he has been stalking me on facebook and brings up to her every picture, every check in, etc, even if its on my profile and doesn't mention her. I know that he took her phone while they were at work the other day and went through all of our texts because he knew information he couldn't have otherwise. I don't think he has changed.

 

My problem is that she wants to give him one more chance, she thinks that it will help her not have any regrets. She wants to be able to hang out with both of us, in a group situation somewhere to see how he reacts. I can't even being to think about hanging out with him because as of now I will have nothing nice to say to him.

 

What do I do? I want to support her but I don't want to deal with him.

[writergal]

There really isn't anything you can do, unfortunately. It's really up to your friend what decisions she makes about this clearly abusive boyfriend. I was in your position when I was in my early 20s with a girlfriend. We were very close and then she started dating this uptight, control-freak accountant who didn't like me at all, who took every opportunity he could to insult me when the three of us were out together. My friend let him control her and a year after dating they got married and my friendship with her ended, when he told her that I could not be in her wedding party as a bridesmaid.

 

If you care about your friend, all you can do is sit back and let her make her own decisions. Trying to control your friend to "see the light about her boyfriend" is the same way her abusive boyfriend controls her. Unless he physically abuses her, I would stay out of that situation with your friend and her boyfriend and let it play out as long as her life is not threatened. If he is verbally abusive and controlling and she allows that, she's making herself the victim by going along with it. However, if she is being physically abused and refuses to acknowledge that, then you need to stage an intervention with your friend and her family members and get her away from that guy.

 

It doesn't matter how clearly you point out her boyfriend's flaws to her either. She has to "see the light" herself. Women like your friend choose to stay in abusive relationships because they have very low self esteem. She works with him too, so he's probably capable of manipulating her at work which is a major problem. She can either report him to her manager, or start looking for another job with a different company if she's miserable with him as a work colleague. If she's choosing to give him a second chance, knowing that he's abusive, then she needs some serious therapy because no one with healthy self esteem would allow themselves to be in that situation.

Edited April 24, 2011 by writergal

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks writergal, that is exactly what I am afraid of, loosing her as a friend because she can't get out of the relationship. As for the low self esteem, you are correct, she was married to an abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally) guy for a few years, she divorced him and started dating this guy. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, I don't believe he has been physically abusive at all. I will do what I can to sit back and let her figure it out, that is hard to do when she comes to me for advice though.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[writergal]

She was already married to an abusive guy and now she's dating another one? Whoa. Do not be available to give her advice anymore when she comes running to you. Take a break from that role and set some better boundaries. She's not going to change anytime soon, it sounds like. Why keep yourself wrapped up in that toxic situation as her sounding board anymore. Run!

[Hopeless Girl]

I get how u feel... I am very protective of my girl friends but I dont get into the relationship cause its their relationship. Theres nothing much u can do except try to get along with him or dont. In this case I dont know how you can STAND him... well u said you didnt hehe .. Ive had troubles with one of my best friends bf because he knew I knew how he was and he wasnt the one for her. He doesnt treat her well and taked her for granted and everyone of my girl friends who were her friend too saw it. We didnt do anything basically we just let them be and now they live far away so theres nothing we can do... Another one is my sisters boyfriend. Nobody likes him and everyone that doesnt like him lets him know. He's a manipulative, insecure moron. Im glad one of my sisters girl friends told him once "(her name) deserves much better than u. You know it, she knows it, everyone knows it". Its just these little comments that we make when they fall out of line and my sisters boyfriend has been behaving but I still dislike him a little. You have to put up with it even if it means being a hypocrite or really trying to get along with him. Cause in the end, its not your relationship.