jalexy Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 my best girl friend puts her man ahead of me all the time. we dont live in the same city, but when i do come home, she always says shes busy with him. we see one antoehr only a few times every few months, cause im off in college away from hometown. today i got home and asked her to hang out and she said she was going to get her man, have sex and then i could meet them at dinner several hours later. im sorry but if she cant pass up sex one damn time to see me, is there something wrong with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Romance will trump friendship almost everytime. Deal with it. It has been my personal experience as well as numerous observations that ladies will favor and devote themselves to their romantic interests ahead of their friends in the majority of cases...at least in the initial stages of a new relationship. And I suppose that's the way it should be. Nothing you can do about it so don't even try. You'll get your turn at bat. Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 im sorry but if she cant pass up sex one damn time to see me, is there something wrong with that? Absolutely. Unless they are married, you're a higher priority and you need to make this known. If she is truly a best female friend, she will be more conscious of her actions once you bring this to her attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Zankon Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Well well well, I think that we need more details from you. Is your friend in a new relationship? Is it a love thing or just BF/GF? As (1) said, romance always goes over friendship... I did it many times myself not because I don t like my friends or don t pay attention to them but it's just stronger than self. But, since you said she was gonna have sex and then reach you... that's a selfish behavior because it's something that could wait. Unless it s the beginning of a new rltship then you should be more understanding. That s all... no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 I think telling a friend, "You need to spend more time with me than your significant other" will undoubtedly piss them off. There's really no tactful way of doing this without getting the friend upset. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Originally posted by Zankon Well well well, I think that we need more details from you. Is your friend in a new relationship? Is it a love thing or just BF/GF? As (1) said, romance always goes over friendship... I did it many times myself not because I don t like my friends or don t pay attention to them but it's just stronger than self. But, since you said she was gonna have sex and then reach you... that's a selfish behavior because it's something that could wait. Unless it s the beginning of a new rltship then you should be more understanding. That s all... no big deal. this is not a new relationship, in fact, she says she loves this guy but 1) always looks and talks about other guys 2) is only with him to see if he can prove himself-meaning to see if he will get into med school or not. she is saying that i am just being a jealous friend, we have known one another for 8 years, and we talk almost everyday, but when it comes to seeing eachother..........its just not possible to do it often. shes just the most selfish person right now, its amazing. i want a new best friend, i just need to know where to find one Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Originally posted by Ryan Absolutely. Unless they are married, you're a higher priority and you need to make this known. If she is truly a best female friend, she will be more conscious of her actions once you bring this to her attention. i am really thankful that a man can see this as clearly as a female can! on another note- didnt anyone hear that friendship lasts longer than any freaking relationship?? this is not always true, but when you are dating someone, just freaking dating, i think friendship should come first. when did peoples ideals change? Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 i am really thankful that a man can see this as clearly as a female can! That's because this is typically not a problem with males. We tend to have an unspoken code of honor where no woman will come between us. I've noticed that women my age have a hard time establishing quality friendships with other females. This may be a generalization, but I think this situation reinforces it. It's unfortunate. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 The urge to pair bond is much stronger than the need for friendship, at least in the early chemical-addled stages of the relationship. After that, if the friend is male and the BF objects, that can spell trouble for the relationship. Should this happen? Perhaps not but that is how we are wired. We tend to have an unspoken code of honor where no woman will come between us. To a point. Link to post Share on other sites
aquaria127 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 In a new relationship, not just casually dating, there's gonna be that period of time where the best of friends might not talk or spend as much time together as usual. the thinking is, she's trying to see if it goes anywhere with this guy, whereas your best friend will remain your best friend so there's nothing to "see" about. I don't think it's deliberate. also I think, women seem to do this more often than men. I'm not sure why this is, and I hate that I've noticed it. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 do any ladies put their man ahead of their best friend? Absolutely. Then again, my partner is my best friend. As for our other friends, most of them are in long-term relationships as well, and prioritize their lives much the same way we do. Being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up those friendships, but partners will always come first. Perhaps this is why all of our relationships are so successful, and the friendships we have developed within our social circle are strong, genuine and real. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 partners will always come first. And true friends understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 thats your opinion, moimeme. true friends come in all kinds of definitions. me on the other hand, i will not tolerate being treated like sex with her man who means nearly nothing to her, to come before me, especially when i never get to see her anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 i've been thinking about your post. it sounds like you are very angry with her - and it also sounds like this is not your only complaint about her...do you think maybe you guys are just growing apart, which often happens when people go away to college or change basic circumstances? i know from reading your other posts that you know how intoxicating the erotic relationship can be - which does NOT excuse your friend's behaviour but does help explain it. i'm sensing that this is an issue that might go further than just how much face time you are getting. when i went away to school i eventually lost most of my high school friends - we even joke about it now and call it "demographic alientation." some of your anger might be seperation anxiety as well. ultimately, you can't make her spend time with you, and it's her loss. if you stop asking to see her, and she does not then come after you, it may be time to rethink this as a primary relationship. we only have so much emotional energy - don't give to anyone who can't return your investment. hugs and support, keep updating! j Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 OK, i think your situation is special in that the guy doesn't mean much to her (according to you). Above, people have been talking about a lady in a relationship (i.e. the man means a lot to her) treating her friends a certain way. I agree with you that friends are way above casual relationships. But when it's a fiance, for e.g., they're likely to be at the same level as friends. Once married, they're likely to be above friends on the priority list. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Originally posted by yes OK, i think your situation is special in that the guy doesn't mean much to her (according to you). Above, people have been talking about a lady in a relationship (i.e. the man means a lot to her) treating her friends a certain way. I agree with you that friends are way above casual relationships. But when it's a fiance, for e.g., they're likely to be at the same level as friends. Once married, they're likely to be above friends on the priority list. -yes i do agree thank you for your post, i jus tmight start rethinking everything! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 It does sound like typical behavior in that she is placing time with her bf over time with you. She may feel that since you two have been friends for so long, you will always be there and is taking your friendship for granted. That is pretty typical of friendships. You do sound angry and hurt and that is certainly understandable. The next time you two talk, why not tell her that you are happy for her that she has a man in her life - whatever her reasons are for keeping him, you want her to be happy. But you feel your friendship is important too and that means spending some quality time together as friends. A friendship is also a relationship and all relationships need participation from both parties to survive. If that means making a "date" with each other, then make it. High School and College friendships do grow apart naturally because we are all maturing and experiencing new things and new emotions and our priority lists are always changing. But many school friendships can and do last a lifetime, even if the frequency of the time spent together declines. If she gets defensive or angry or seems to blow you off, then tell her that you will just go on with your life and if she does decide she wants to contact you she can. Or you can tell her that it was great knowing her and that you had a lot of good times and good memories and wish her well in her life and end the friendship with some closure and on a mature level. Link to post Share on other sites
vixen Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 ok, IMHO, i think friends don't put pressure on each other the way bf/gf do. Like i want to see my bf, but he's to busy for me, i know better then to pressure him into trying to see me more but find i do it anyway. But why then have i no problems with the fack my 4 girlfriends have near zippo time for me, and yet i don't pressure them for time? That's not how it works. That's all, mates just tend to come first. I know if it was me, and i wanted to see sarah, and i wanted to see jon, and i see both of them ruffly about the same amount, with jon comeing in on top by four days, i would make the love to jon, and see sarah later that day. Why?? No time for love doctor jones! that's why. I mean if she sees her man everday and is pulling this on you then that's bs, i'd B*tch too, but if she sees him once a week then cut the girl some slack. It's not for a friend to put relationship pressures on a friend, that's what mates do, no nead for exssus. I know if i get together with my gals, one or all, it's to feel welcome comfort and above all to let my hair down. Not that i can't relax with jon, but there's no obligations when it's sisters hanging out. Ya know? Like i said, just MHO. Talk to her, if you think your being treated poorly complain but work it out, if it's not making you happy then move on, it's not like you're dateing. Vixen Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 A female friend once told me this: Men are better people in relationships. Women are better people out of them. I think we're seeing one reason why. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 I think we're seeing one reason why. I'm thinking you'll believe differently when you're in a serious relationship. At least, that's my theory Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Practically all of my friends have boyfriends now. 4 of them are engaged. It is hard to find time too spend with them. Especailly the two that work because I know that they would want to spend time with their guys. I would probably feel that way when I get into a serious relationship so I don't make a big deal about it. We do still get to hang out but not as much as we used too when they were all single. We are all still pretty close which is pretty good we make sure that we try to get to hang out whenever we can. Like we did this weekend. I did meet this other girl that is single. She was a friend of a friend. She is really nice and we seem to get along pretty well I am glad that I have somebody single to go out and hang with while meeting new people without hearing all of everybody's relationship dramas. I guess my other friends keep hearing about my single life dramas as well though! Even though my love life isn't that great at the moment. Hopefully that will change. If they are too busy too hang out there is always the phone to stay in contact with them and see whats going on with their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
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