Els Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 If a group of people invited you somewhere with that question (They just happened to see me on their way out and said, "We're going to such and such, you can come with us if you want"), would you go? I found it to mean that they didn't really want me there, so I didn't. Or am I just being oversensitive and overanalytical again? Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 (edited) am I just being oversensitive and overanalytical again? In my opinion, yes! I try not to question an invitation. If I want to go, I go. If I don't want to go, then I don't go. If they didn't want you there, tough. They shouldn't have invited you. Edited February 25, 2011 by january2011 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 True! But in my experience my (other) friends have always said, "Do you wanna come?" or "You should come with us!" or "Coming?" or anything of the sort. The 'if you waaaant' part just rang funny to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 They saw you and told you where they were going then invited you. I still say that if they didn't want you there, then they shouldn't have said anything. So it's on them if that was really a backhanded invitation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 To explain the situation further, it was more like I just happened to be there when they went out, not that they came to invite me. One of them said they were going somewhere, and another tried to chime in with the "You can come with us if you want" line. Those are my bf's friends; we hang out with them quite a lot. He's working today, which is why I was alone when they spoke to me. I've heard how they invite him to places, and it's never like that. They have also never invited me when inviting him, he always had to tell them he's bringing me. He said they just assumed he's bringing me already, but I somehow doubt it. I guess it IS on them, but I just don't WANT to be somewhere that I'm not really wanted. I also agree that I could just be crazily overanalytical. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I guess it IS on them, but I just don't WANT to be somewhere that I'm not really wanted. I also agree that I could just be crazily overanalytical. I understand. Though I'd see it as an opportunity to 'step out of your boyfriend's shadow as the plus one' and let them get to know you on a more individual level rather than as your boyfriend's sidekick, if you see what I mean. It might actually lead to a friendlier relationship with one or two of them in the future as well as more invites - and that's always a good thing, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 OP, IMO, that isn't a question, it's 'permission'. 'Would you like to join us?' is a question and an invitation. That said, if this is the usual style of your boyfriend and his friends and their culture, than accept it as a proper invitation. When I was in NZ, my friends there invited me to events and dinners and they never said 'you can come along if you want'. Granted, they're much older, so maybe it's an age thing. There are probably bigger fish to fry right now so I wouldn't give it too much thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I understand that they are your BF's friends, but this is an opportunity to build more of a relationship with them. Friendships have to start somewhere and they usually don't begin as BFF's. It takes time to cultivate relationships so their casualness about it may have indicated their respect that you may not feel comfortable going without your BF. I wouldn't worry. Friendship is a spacious entity - there's always room for more. And it's totally ok to feel insecure. I think most of us are nervous when we are building new friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 OP, IMO, that isn't a question, it's 'permission'. 'Would you like to join us?' is a question and an invitation. That said, if this is the usual style of your boyfriend and his friends and their culture, than accept it as a proper invitation. When I was in NZ, my friends there invited me to events and dinners and they never said 'you can come along if you want'. Granted, they're much older, so maybe it's an age thing. There are probably bigger fish to fry right now so I wouldn't give it too much thought. I agree especially with your last sentence. And I also agree with the first. That isn't how they invite my bf, so I don't think it's just their style. I understand that they are your BF's friends, but this is an opportunity to build more of a relationship with them. Friendships have to start somewhere and they usually don't begin as BFF's. It takes time to cultivate relationships so their casualness about it may have indicated their respect that you may not feel comfortable going without your BF. I wouldn't worry. Friendship is a spacious entity - there's always room for more. And it's totally ok to feel insecure. I think most of us are nervous when we are building new friendships. This is a very good point! I'd never thought of it that way. It could be true. They're overall nice people, anyway, it's just that I always got the vibe that they weren't ever too thrilled to have me along. Still, I should probably give it a chance. One of them even asked me if I'd like some takeaway. Link to post Share on other sites
Fixyou Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I am one to always say, "You can come with us if you want." Sometimes you make plans with people because of habit (like you do something Monday and you have dinner afterwards) or because you are closer to people that it's easier to make plans and get something together. Meaning, some plans are easily made and aren't done with grandeur. So there's a good chance that they say you when they were leaving, but not when they were making the plans and it was their way to extend the invitation. Meaning, I do think you're being sensitive, especially since they friends of your boyfriend. If they didn't want you to come along, they would never have said anything. Be kind to yourself and to your friends. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Yeah, I'd consider it an invitation, and would go. Link to post Share on other sites
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