jenny Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 i hate having to ask what's wrong. i have a friend who sulks as a matter of course, and it just drives me nuts! i'll go out with him and suddenly he will withdraw and we will have to play ridiculous guessing games until i have ferreted out the problem of the day. i know i could just stop asking, but i'd like to be a good friend and be there for him. but these discussion are hardly ever productive and he does not try anything differently, and i resent having to play affect detective. this is a human trait that is mostly beyond my comprehension - if something is wrong, out with it! then we can hash it out. having to 'glean what afflicts him' wastes my time and his, and it feels so manipulative to me. i have told him this, but it does not seem to do any good. he is a good friend otherwise - any tips on how to change this dynamic? ***why*** do people do this? i have to try something new! Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 When you are about to spend time with this friend of yours, perhaps you could start off the conversation with something like, "I know that there is something bothering you today. Know that whatever it happens to be, I am here for you should you want to talk." And leave it at that. Don't play the game if you don't want to! Remain supportive, but ascert that if he wants to tell you what's bugging him, it is up to him to do that! Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 He may require attention. He may need to know you care enough to notice and ask. Is it logical or rational? Likely not. Can he fix it? Maybe, but maybe not. It depends where it originates. If it's something to do with his parental relationships, it might not be that easy to change. It could be that the only reinforcement or attention he ever got was when he was unhappy or upset so that's what's imprinted on him as a pattern of gaining what he needs. i have told him this, but it does not seem to do any good. The biggest mistake thinking women make is to expect that a logical approach should suffice to solve problems. That would be true if people were all logical all the time. We know they're not If they were, cognitive therapy would be the sure fix for everyone. Its failure rate attests to the fact that we're a lot more complex than all that. Frustrating, true, but fascinating Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 26, 2003 Share Posted September 26, 2003 ***why*** do people do this? Ashamed to admit it, but *I* have a tendency to do this. It comes from spending most of my life being around people who do not respond well to honesty and often react by getting angry or defensive. For me, if something is bothering me, I'll usually process it for a few days to figure out whether it's worth mentioning or if its wiser to just let it go. Then if I decide its worth bringing up, I have to constantly remind myself of how my words might effect the other person, and therefore must "rehearse" how to say it without pushing all the wrong buttons. Meanwhile, those who know me best can tell when I'm "chewing" on something and keep prodding me to: "just come out with it, for cripes sake!" And most of the time, their not prepared for when that dam breaks! I think communication is a two-way street. It's a lot easier to talk when its to someone who really knows how to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny Posted September 26, 2003 Author Share Posted September 26, 2003 very insightful and helpful replies: thanks guys! i think it is basically my anger and my approach i need to change rather than him, and knowing where this behaviour comes from is very helpful - i just feel like cutting him loose at the moment, 3 years of friendship notwithstanding. he's not my bf, and we tend to talk about non-personal stuff, so it is admittedly possible that i see this behaviour as a threat of increased intimacy and am using logic as a defense mechanism against intrusion. i don't know that i really want to know what's wrong anymore - i just miss my smarta$$ witty buddy - but we can't seem to get at the root of whatever has been troubling him for the past 5 months or so. anyway, thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted September 26, 2003 Moderators Share Posted September 26, 2003 ...threat of increased intimacy and am using logic as a defense mechanism against intrusion I find this puzzling, to a certain degree. You appear to be an intelligent, fun-loving, witty, and emotionally "available" young woman. Albeit from my limited perspective, you also appear to be a sensitive, caring person, who deserves friends (male and female) that treat you with mutual caring, respect, and affection. Jenny, why feel threatened by the intimacy, and see it as a possible intrusion? Perhaps I'm wayyy out in left field here, but, I suspect he cares for you on a deeper level than what you may initially think? Two human beings who care for each other should not play emotional games with one another. HE is being childish/unmanly/whatever, and I cannot see you as a person that can appreciate childishness in any friend, male or female. Adults talk and share. You are an adult. You deserve more than this kind of drama from him. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny Posted September 26, 2003 Author Share Posted September 26, 2003 o, Curt, your reply actually made me a little teary eyed! you really have a way with words; they cut my glibness to the quick. he belongs to an old set of friends, ones whom i would classify as 'buddies' - the ones one drinks with, skies with, etc. we are childish together, which i'm ok with. i'm often childish myself, but i count it as a strength. so i am trying to be emotionally available, but not for this particular guy for a variety of reasons. he may be trying to move categories, he has before, but i think we had that cleared up last time he freaked out. it can only go to a level depth with him, though - he simply seeks to seduce and discard, it's just what he does. but actually a lot of my friendships are like this; we don't talk, per se, it's more doing stuff. it's only now that i am slowly becoming aware i might want to expect different things from friends; it's an innovative idea. i've always expected and had intimacy with bfs; i'm not sure i'm ready for it with these guys. i doubt they are either - - - hmmm.. i have no conclusions yet. but it is very helpful to be challenged, for me, so thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted September 27, 2003 Moderators Share Posted September 27, 2003 You deserve the best. Expect no less dear. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
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