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Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 7th November 2010, 5:56 AM   #1
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Have I damaged this friendship beyond repair?

I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

However, our last two chats I can sense a huge difference. It looks like I've lost her trust because she takes a while to respond and now her response is pretty generic. It's a stark contrast to the old way she talked with me.

I don't get it... I always see other guys mess up (some times bigger mess ups) but they always recover with the friend or girlfriend. For me, when I mess up once, it seems the relationship is damaged forever. I don't know why. I hate it. Why don't I get the same 2nd chances others seem to always get?

I regret offending her... I don't know if it'll take her time or if she really will close me off from now to the end of time. She was a good friend whom I could share anything with. I know sometimes I can be too sarcastic for my own good... she knows I didn't mean to offend her but no matter since I still did.

Girls, any insights/similar stories here? I always seem to somehow make one mistake with my closest girl friends, and it always changes the relationship for the worse. I'm def. still learning.
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Old 2nd January 2011, 4:50 AM   #2
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It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.
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Old 28th March 2011, 1:02 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.

update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.
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Old 28th March 2011, 6:43 PM   #4
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update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.
Nice! You're a good buddy!
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Old 28th March 2011, 8:59 PM   #5
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update: she's come around a bit. She no longer initiates IM's with me, but whenever I message her she'll respond back more like her old self than when I offended her initially in November.

She does have a BF now, so I know she's set up some emotional boundaries with me (which is perfectly understandable) and I def. had to adjust to those boundaries.

If she were single, I think we would talk like how we used to.

But it's nice to have her back as a friend again.
Good, I have a couple of male friends. One has been a close friend for years before I met my husband, we have talked about many personal and not so personal things over the years but we do go in and out of contact over time. Just happens. Most friendships are cyclical.

As time goes on with the bf, he'll see that you are friends and not an issue (most likely) and then things will be easy smooth, no questions asked.
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Old 29th March 2011, 4:32 AM   #6
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Truth is though, I would say I see her as an 80% friend, 20% crush. I have mild feelings for her. Mainly because she and I get along great I feel, and I find her attractive.

If she were single, I'd probably risk asking her out.

But she's not single, and I have had to remind myself she's taken, unavailable and that she could only be a friend at best.
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Old 29th March 2011, 10:42 PM   #7
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Truth is though, I would say I see her as an 80% friend, 20% crush. I have mild feelings for her. Mainly because she and I get along great I feel, and I find her attractive.

If she were single, I'd probably risk asking her out.

But she's not single, and I have had to remind myself she's taken, unavailable and that she could only be a friend at best.
Nothing wrong with that. Hey, we're human beings, not robots. We have attractions/feelings. Unlike the lower animals, we have a BRAIN and CONSCIENCE that tells us (most of the time, anyway! ) whether or not to act on our attractions/feelings.

You're doing fine, Teknoe. Be HAPPY that you have a good friend in the opposite sex. If a relationship opportunity opens up in the future and she reciprocates the feelings you have for her, all the better. You guys will already have had a lot in common..
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Old 11th May 2011, 5:21 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Teknoe View Post
I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.

I emailed to apologize and she forgave me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teknoe View Post
I have a good female friend. Our main contact is gchat. We share a lot of personal items and we're platonic. The other night I was a bit sarcastic while she was sharing about the guys she kinda likes. My sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way and the conversation ended with her not speaking to me.
This was November 2010. In December, she and that guy she liked that she was going to share before I made the sarcastic comment became a couple.

Since then, she hasn't really talked to me. I would initiate conversations, but she'd take longer than pre-BF to reply, and sometimes very generic responses.

We met Summer 2010. She was single, so was I. We used to go to church together and get 1 on 1 dinner afterward. Not really a date as we always went dutch, but we got along so well and I always enjoyed her company. Vice versa, I like to think.

I posted an update in late March that things were getting better.

However, in the past month our friendship has pretty much died out. I don't see her online as much, and whenever I try to talk with her, it's just not the same (i.e. generic response, long response time).

I texted her this past weekend asking her how she's been. Never got a reply. I know she got the text because we used to text a lot back in the summer time.

I can only assume she's been busy, and of course, being loyal to her BF. Maybe she senses I like her and that scares her off with a friendship with me because it's mixed emotions. Sigh. She's a good girl... one of the good ones. Not without her issues, of course, but definitely one of the good ones. I wished when she was single I pursued her instead of the other girl. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

I just feel bad because I lost out on her romantically, and now, also lost out on her as a friend (seemingly).

I truly believe certain people are placed in your life and certain people are taken out of your life for a reason, but I still don't like it =P

My plan now? Well, I ain't gonna IM or email her "get my text?" Coz I know she did. She simply chose not to answer me. I don't care how busy someone is, if they care about you, they'll respond within 72 hours. It's been about that long now. So, I get the hint. If she wishes to continue our friendship, she'll contact me. At this point, I'm not going to bother her again.

I have a feeling if I do that though, she won't ever initiate (at least as long as she's with her BF -- if they ever break up I could envision a scenario where she comes to me because I've always been "that safe guy" to her) and that our friendship will probably die out.

It sucks because Hollywood movies always show you guys who mess up (far worse than what I did might I add) and in the end they always get a 5th chance and wins the girl back. I know life ain't Hollywood but I hear stories in real life about redemption all the time. Dunno why it can't happen here like how I want it to.

Feeling sad and abandoned. Any words of wisdom, encouragement or similar experiences you've had would be helpful right about now. Thanks.
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Old 11th June 2011, 12:52 PM   #9
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That's a really sad story, it sounded like you guys got on so well. I think because of her relationship things have had to change. It's perfectly natural, and i wouldn't take it personally. People come and people go throughout our lives. She may come back later, she may not, but u sound like a really nice person, and to me, sounds like she's missing out on a really great pal
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Old 14th June 2011, 4:32 AM   #10
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That's a really sad story, it sounded like you guys got on so well. I think because of her relationship things have had to change. It's perfectly natural, and i wouldn't take it personally. People come and people go throughout our lives. She may come back later, she may not, but u sound like a really nice person, and to me, sounds like she's missing out on a really great pal

Aw thanks crazylove. Well, I must also add I was telling her about my crush last summer (I was crazy infatuated with another girl) and she became my "go to friend" to tell everything about my crush. I wore the poor girl down and definitely took myself out of the equation with her.

One night in November I emailed her "I consider you as one of those few rare friends I feel comfortable sharing any and everything to."

I think that scared her off, because she was never the same with me after that.

It was a nice strong friendship while it lasted.

I texted her not too long ago and again, no reply. See each other on GChat but last I tried to talk with her she said "busy, but we'll catch up soon! next week?"

Of course, next week we never did.

Starting to get a bit peeved, honestly. I guess I just have to move on and count this as a past summer memory. A very nice one, but a memory nonetheless (i.e. it's in the past).
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Old 16th June 2011, 5:53 AM   #11
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It shouldn't permanently change anything, just wait it out a bit. Stay steady with who you are, she'll come around.
Yes , agree with this advice:P
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Old 16th June 2011, 2:12 PM   #12
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Yes , agree with this advice:P
That was back in November though.

She hasn't really come around.

I think she's closed this chapter of her life, for whatever reason. Maybe I should close it for myself as well.
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Old 26th June 2011, 4:08 AM   #13
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update: decided to shoot her an "update on our lives" type email, where I shared with her things on my end, asking her about hers in closing.

Keep in mind the week prior I messaged her on GChat to ask her how's life been (since we hadn't talked in a few months) and she said "We'll catch up next week OK!" to which, of course, we didn't.

So I swallowed my pride and sent her the email after she didn't contact me.

It's been over a week and no reply.

Yup, for whatever reason, she's decided to dump me as a friend. It sucks, it hurts a bit, but I ain't dead and at this point I'm kinda like whatever about it. Time to move on. It sucks mainly because this time last year we hung out and talked so much. I honestly thought she was going to be one of those few rare lifelong best friend types.

I guess I said too many things that rubbed her the long way, and she felt it was best to axe the friendship.

It is what it is, right. I can either cry about it, or move on. I'm moving on.
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Old 3rd July 2011, 3:49 PM   #14
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Sorry to hear that, but yeah, I think you're doing the right thing. You can't make someone reply if they don't want to. Such a shame though. Hope you're ok
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Old 3rd July 2011, 5:24 PM   #15
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thanks crazylove. I am doing ok

Though to be honest, I still find myself thinking about her now and again. Last night I was thinking about her, mainly because I was watching the 1987 film Some Kind of Wonderful... where the main guy was chasing a girl when his best friend was the one for him instead. Naturally, I thought of her.

I think the reason why she dumped me as her friend was for her sake and for mine too. Now that she's in a relationship, and she probably knew I liked her somewhat or came to the recent realization that I have all along, she feels it's best to cut it off. Who knows, I could drive myself crazy speculating but I won't.

I'll be fine
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