She is too much! I want my own space and I don't know how to tell her this

[MarieW]

I would love other people's input on this.

I have a friend who is also a neighbour. I think a lot of her, she's funny, kind, generous and always there for me. She has a key to my flat and even walks my dogs for me when I'm at work. Sounds great doesn't it?

However, Kerry seems to treat her friends like extended family and this is starting to get on my nerves. She is also in a very boring relationship with her boyfriend ( they live together ) and I've spent many hours listening to her problems with him but she never does anything about ti. In an effort to get away from him and continue being the sociable person she is, she tends to visit friends a lot. I only live across the road from her so I get the brunt of it!

My boyfriend lives with me and it seems like Kerry is always here. She just rings the bell, I open the door and she saunters in with her cans of beer and expects to stay until midnight. She also presumes that at the weekend we will all go out together as a gang as usual. My boyfriend and I don't seem to have a lot of time together alone. Sometimes I'll get home from work and will be trying to cook dinner etc and she will turn up, unaware or not caring that she is intruding.

I have ignored the door bell a few times when bf and I have just wanted time alone and she always acts odd with me next time she sees me. I have only met her parents five times but they have told Kerry they see me as a second daughter so obviously it's a thing she's got from her family.

I want my own space and I don't know how to tell her this. I'm not a wimp at all but I am very aware of hurting her feelings. Selfishly I also need her to walk my dogs when I'm working. I do want Kerry in my life but her constant visits and phone calls are annoying me. She also keeps trying to give me things ( ie; she was changing her kitchen around and brought down lots of containers etc for me ) it's getting embarassing because I'm certainly not a charity case but it's difficult to say "stop giving me all your crap" even in a polite way.

I understand WHY she is like this and I want to stay friends with her but I need my space too. Any advice would be appreciated.

[jalexy]

My best advice would to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you could say what you need to say so it wont hurt her too bad.

I think you could be very blunt, just say that there are times that you will like to be alone-state those times- or just tell her you feel worn out with this...give you some space please.

Good luck, this is a sticky sitch

[Clancy]

I think the bottom line here is that you will need to go through a process of conflict in order to see a change. You must know that, on her own, she will not stop doing what she is doing. She doesn't even consider that there is any kind of a problem.

 

I'm sure she feels that you think she's just wonderful and that you really enjoy her lengthy visits, company and conversation. The only way to change this unfortunately is through conflict. By that I mean you will have to gather up your internal strength, ask her for a meeting (at a restaurant over coffee) and let her know very clearly what has to change.

 

Chances are good that she will be offended no matter how gently you approach this so don't try to be gentle, try to be clear and assertive, without trying to hurt her. If she's insulted, accept her anger and criticism of you. Let her vent and then repeat your concerns and what has to change.

 

If all turns out well you'll keep her as a friend under new conditions. If not, well, the original problem will disappear because she won't visit you anymore. If you do want to keep her as a friend then keep trying to reconnect with her even if she's mad for days/weeks. Invite her out to a movie or coffee or to dinner now and then. But keep the relationship on your terms

 

About your dogs. Offer to pay her for walking the dogs or get someone else.

[MarieW]

Thanks guys, you are so right! I'll speak to her this weekend. Think of me!!!