expectations from friends when dealing with your partner

[lucia]

Hi all!

 

This post is related to my post in "flirting, cheating forum" (see "friend out of bound"). I'm posting another one because I want to specifically know what are the "rules of engagement" when it comes to sharing our friends.

 

I'm curious what are your expectations from friends when dealing with your partner. Likewise, what are your expectations from your partner when dealing with your friends?

 

I am the type who would encourage my bf/partner to keep his own friends and/or be friends with my friends, if he wishes. But when he does become friendly with my friend/s, I'm not really sure where the boundaries should be. Do you know with your partner? For example, if your partner always shows willingness to help your friend or goes out of his/her way to help your friend, is that something you should be concerned about? If your friend says that you partner always inspires her/him, is that good or bad? If you partner thinks highly of your friend and feels good about "inspiring" her/him or helping her/him all the time, how would you react? If your partner shares an umbrella with your friend and you're walking with other friends (some with umbrellas to share, the rest don't have), don't you expect your partner to call you to share the umbrella with your friend instead? Or maybe, don't you expect your friend to encourage your partner to walk with you instead? Or perhaps, don't you expect your friend to give the umbrella to you and he/she shares an umbrella with another friend who has no one to share an umbrella with?

 

Of course, I have already discussed this with my partner and he vehemently denies any romantic affection for my friend. He just assured me that she's just a friend whose company he enjoys a lot.

 

In short, am I too strict with my partner? Thanks in advance for your inputs.

[PurpleAngel]

I think the thing to remember here is that they are YOUR friends… he can be as nice as he wants etc… but I think that on the part of your friends the loyalty should always be to you! Why is your friend asking him for help and not you? Why are they hanging out instead of your friend and boy hanging out with you??? There is a fine line here and you have to determine if it has been overstepped. I think it's nice to bring groups together and let your partner share in your life and friends but I am of the opinion that it should be with you around, not them without you, cos like I said, they are your friends. For example IF you guys broke up who would this friend go to, to support?

 

With my girlfriends partners I never think its appropriate to see them outside of my friendship with my girlfriend. If she should suggest that he help me fix something at my house etc… that’s fine BUT I would only do that under her initiation and still I believe it would not be right to invade that by wanting to spend time with him at other times. Sorry it just doesn’t jerry with me! He should be hanging out with his own mates!! Yes, its VERY important he retain those friends but he should leave your friendships to you!

 

Every person on this forum probably has a different opinion than me but NO I don’t think its right or normal to have your friend and your boyfriend hanging out together.

 

Good Luck!

~PurpleAngel~

[EnigmaXOXO]

Lucia,

 

You poor thing...you're still questioning and over-thinking your judgment regarding your boyfriend and female acquaintance, aren't you?

 

I think many people would respond in many different ways. We all have our own standards and expectations regarding those people we allow into our lives.

 

For me, "acquaintances" are people who I am friendly with but see only on occasions. They are certainly not people who I would confide my secrets in or share personal information with.

 

My "friends," on the other hand, I choose very carefully. While I give everyone an opportunity to become friendly with me, my true friends I can count on three fingers. These people have proven, over time, to be honest and trust-worthy. They don't lie to me, take advantage of my generosity or hospitality, spread gossip about my personal life, or try to steal from me (whether it be property, romantic interests, or otherwise). It is an equal exchange between us when it comes to mutual respect and consideration of each other’s feelings. They are socially conscious people with morals and integrity and they recognize personal boundaries without having to be told or reminded. They don’t require an unreasonable amount of my time and/or “friend maintenance” and never interfere so much as to become a problem and/or nuisance in my life.

 

My partner is someone who I consider my best friend. Not only does he meet all the expectations above, but he goes over and beyond. While he is friendly and courteous to my friends & acquaintances, I’ll never have to worry about him sneaking off to visit with one of my female friends without me, nor would any of my friends stop over to visit with him if I were not around. Likewise, I would not go and spend time with one of his male buddies, or have them over to the house without him knowing or being present. It’s called mutual respect! When one of our friends wants to go out or have us over for a visit, they invite us BOTH…as a couple.

 

My partner and I admittedly have had old friends and acquaintances in the past who have disappointed us with their lack of consideration and/or respect. I think we all have known people like this at some point in our lives. But since our self-worth and personal identities aren’t defined by our social circles, we are easily able to re-evaluate those friendships on a continuing basis and put healthy closure on those which are not conducive to our happiness and well-being.

 

And if my partner and I each had an umbrella, I think he would pass his off to one of my friends and snuggle with me under mine. And I would happily do the same!

 

Hold out for one of THOSE guys, Lucia! They’re out there, you just haven’t given yourself enough time to look…

[lucia]

Thanks Purple Angel. Yeah, I would only welcome help under a friend's initiation and would never do anything that would be suspicious. I guess not everyone has your/our maturity. Thanks.

 

Enigma, a very lucid, insightful, and inspiring post from you-- as usual. Yeah, I must admit I'm still overanalyzing things, waah! It's just very recent, y'know. Let's say I'm just trying to learn from the experience so I know what to do the next time it happens. And no, I'm not patching up with him. I hope he learns from it too. Thanks a bunch again.

[jalexy]

yeah, i agree that they are your friends and it needs to stay that way. they are not, in a sense, his friends too. i would expect that he treat them respectfully....but as far as anything else, that is it. i dont think its cool if hes calling them to chat, or goes out of his way to help them when you arent there. not cool, not cool

[EnigmaXOXO]

Shoot! Who can blame you!

 

Like I was, you're probably still in a state of shock over the whole thing. Bad enough to find out your friend wasn't worthy of the trust you gave her ... but to be let down by the person you loved the most is a double whammy! I think his male ego was enjoying all the attention. And I think your 'friend' was already preparing to trade you up for the guy if it had gone any further. Neither one of them were considering your feelings...or perhaps they misinterpreted your easy nature as naivety and thought they could get away with it and you’d never be the wiser.

 

I am so amazed at your poise and self control! I think I could learn a few things from YOU. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, my temper would have gotten the best of me and I probably would have dumped that casserole dish right over her head before leaving the apartment!

 

I'm angry FOR you, and wonder if that scheming, conniving ***** is taking advantage of the situation and 'consoling' your poor, misunderstood ex boyfriend.

 

But just remember, it always comes full circle. And the things you do, whether they be good or bad, will return twice fold. Perhaps it's her turn now to worry whether or not your boyfriend will abandon her if given the chance to come back to you...