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Anyone on LS still close friends with a previous sexual partner?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 31st July 2010, 11:17 PM   #1
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Anyone on LS still close friends with a previous sexual partner?

Just curious how that works. Not here to judge. I'm the kind of girl who's done the breaking up and been broken up with, but no ex is a friend of mine and from that vein, no ex is a close friend of mine. Also mods, if this is the wrong forum, please just transfer it over to the right one and my apologies. I just thought that I could post here because I'm asking about a friendship.

How did you two just switch off the "Oh gosh I want to sex you up, even though we're not dating, I want you to scratch my itch again" types of thoughts? Is it really possible to stay platonic with someone who you've been intimate with?

Cliff's notes version: boyfriend readily admits to closeness with ex-girlfriend. They grew up together. They gave their virginities up to each other. After breaking up, they still had a friends w/ benefits relationship going on in the summers he was home from uni, but they were both single at the time. He is now there, a couple of blocks away from her and won't be back to the mainland 'til 2 weeks from now.

I will never ask him to stop hanging out with her. Out of the question. If I want to control lives, I'll play Sims 3. I don't want to compromise a lifelong friendship because of my insecurities.

I want to see how others who dealt with this... well, dealt with it.

Who knows? Maybe after tonight I'll be single again because he became impatient with me. Oh f*ck this, I need a drink.
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Last edited by 0hpenelope; 31st July 2010 at 11:20 PM..
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Old 1st August 2010, 11:16 AM   #2
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I've attempted in the past to remain friends with an exs but things became a bit too messy for my liking.

I guess firstly the question you need to ask yourself is, do you trust your boyfriend? As that is a major part in any form of relationship.

The other suggestion that I can make is be honest with your boyfriend. Explain what you mentioned below that you do not want him to stop hanging out with his ex but at the same time I think it is good for you to air your concerns. It is important to remember that with many people they hold a close connection with their first "love", and although I am not one of them, I know quite a few people that do maintain a close platonic friendship with their first "loves". That's why I think that it's best to tell him how you feel, maybe even ask him more about their relationship or he may even offer to explain and you judge it from there. Talking always helps.

Hope things work out for you.
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Old 1st August 2010, 12:42 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophia8 View Post
I've attempted in the past to remain friends with an exs but things became a bit too messy for my liking.

I guess firstly the question you need to ask yourself is, do you trust your boyfriend? As that is a major part in any form of relationship.
Not as much as I wish I did, based on how I'm reacting to his closeness with his ex-girlfriend who he's sworn up and down that is just a friend now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophia8 View Post
The other suggestion that I can make is be honest with your boyfriend. Explain what you mentioned below that you do not want him to stop hanging out with his ex but at the same time I think it is good for you to air your concerns. It is important to remember that with many people they hold a close connection with their first "love", and although I am not one of them, I know quite a few people that do maintain a close platonic friendship with their first "loves". That's why I think that it's best to tell him how you feel, maybe even ask him more about their relationship or he may even offer to explain and you judge it from there. Talking always helps.
Yeah, this isn't the first time we had this discussion. He says he doesn't know what else to tell me. But knowing that they're close and seeing pictures on his Facebook really really sucks.

18 yrs. of knowing her + being intimate w/ her for 3 of that vs. 10+ weeks of being with me. Tell me that that isn't anything anyone will get intimidated with. And having that past splashed all over in Facebook when I see his site. I stopped looking at his Facebook since I'm just feeding my insecurities.

I should be building my trust instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophia8 View Post
Hope things work out for you.
I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know the decorum regarding who contacts who, but I'm going off on the idea that he doesn't want to talk to me right now. Heck, I wouldn't want to talk to me for a while if I were him. So I'll sit on it for a couple of days.

Thank you.
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Old 1st August 2010, 6:22 PM   #4
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I think that it's "normal" to feel a bit intimidated in this situation, it can be difficult if a partner is friends with any of their exs but at the same time it can also be good. I am very close friends with one of my exs ex, when my ex and I broke up she remained friends with me and she is no longer friends with him... really it depends on the situation and the people involved.

Do you feel that you have any reason not to believe him? Have you met his ex?

Sometimes a 10 week relationship, or even a shorter relationship, can mean a lot more to a person than a much longer relationship.
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Old 1st August 2010, 8:34 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 0hpenelope View Post
Just curious how that works. Not here to judge. I'm the kind of girl who's done the breaking up and been broken up with, but no ex is a friend of mine and from that vein, no ex is a close friend of mine. Also mods, if this is the wrong forum, please just transfer it over to the right one and my apologies. I just thought that I could post here because I'm asking about a friendship.

How did you two just switch off the "Oh gosh I want to sex you up, even though we're not dating, I want you to scratch my itch again" types of thoughts? Is it really possible to stay platonic with someone who you've been intimate with?

Cliff's notes version: boyfriend readily admits to closeness with ex-girlfriend. They grew up together. They gave their virginities up to each other. After breaking up, they still had a friends w/ benefits relationship going on in the summers he was home from uni, but they were both single at the time. He is now there, a couple of blocks away from her and won't be back to the mainland 'til 2 weeks from now.

I will never ask him to stop hanging out with her. Out of the question. If I want to control lives, I'll play Sims 3. I don't want to compromise a lifelong friendship because of my insecurities.

I want to see how others who dealt with this... well, dealt with it.

Who knows? Maybe after tonight I'll be single again because he became impatient with me. Oh f*ck this, I need a drink.
It doesn't work. I speak from experience. I don't think your guy has bad intentions, but the dynamics of it are just messed up and he needs to see it. I was the guy who was friends with the ex, and I couldn't see how it was really making my (now ex) girlfriend jealous, but I do now. It's okay to be friendly and maybe be friends on Facebook so you can send the occasional happy birthday message, but being buddies is a bad idea.
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Old 1st August 2010, 8:35 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 0hpenelope View Post
Not as much as I wish I did, based on how I'm reacting to his closeness with his ex-girlfriend who he's sworn up and down that is just a friend now.



Yeah, this isn't the first time we had this discussion. He says he doesn't know what else to tell me. But knowing that they're close and seeing pictures on his Facebook really really sucks.

18 yrs. of knowing her + being intimate w/ her for 3 of that vs. 10+ weeks of being with me. Tell me that that isn't anything anyone will get intimidated with. And having that past splashed all over in Facebook when I see his site. I stopped looking at his Facebook since I'm just feeding my insecurities.

I should be building my trust instead.



I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know the decorum regarding who contacts who, but I'm going off on the idea that he doesn't want to talk to me right now. Heck, I wouldn't want to talk to me for a while if I were him. So I'll sit on it for a couple of days.

Thank you.
You don't have to understand anything. He needs to understand that being buddies with an ex is just awkward. Period.
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Old 1st August 2010, 8:42 PM   #7
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I'm friends with a number of exes but not enough friends that I would spend any time alone with them. When we get together, my husband and their dates, if they're dating, are included or we're all together at a social function with many others.

We do swap the odd emails and phone convos but nothing is hidden. The guys know that anything they share with me, might be shared with H.
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Old 1st August 2010, 11:32 PM   #8
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It sounds like the OP is concerned that her boyfriend has unresolved feelings for his ex girlfriend. I am going to suggest something different. I think the OP should straight out ask the boyfriend if he still has "feelings" for his ex girlfriend. I personally believe people break up for a reason and if two people break up and are still in contact perhaps there are some unresolved feelings.
I think the Op is correct to feel uncomfortable because I know I would be if I was in her situation. This is a tough one for the OP. I would try to have a real serious conversation with the boyfriend and try to get to the heart of the matter. Also, pay attention to your boyfriend's behaviour because people "say" something but their "actions" speak louder than words. Has your boyfriend's behaviour changed recently? Do you notice him doing anything different?
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