Am I a friends door mat??

[RDank]

I have been friends with a guy for three years or so now. Lately I have felt like a door mat for this guy. He'll only call or text if he is hungry and thinking I'd make him dinner. Or go out to dinner with him. Or if he needs someone to help him with grad homework. When I try to talk to him I get the impression that he isnt listening. When he is out with other friends, he'll ignore my text messages, but when he is hanging out with me, he'll answer every text possible. So when I call him out on it, he thinks I am being dumb. Or calls me an "emotional girl". Which I am but I just want his friendship to be fair. We hung out the other day for about four hours, he asked me three questions. Spent the rest of the time talking about himself, answering his email or texts on his phone, or sleeping. (We were driving for part of it).

 

How do I deal with this? I haven't sent him a text in like 4 days and neither has he. So if and when he does text me... what do I say??

 

This is really upsetting and hard to explain this forum without writing a book about it.

[vintagecat]

You probably already know what I'm going to say but it seems that you might need to drop this "friend". By your description he appears to be using you for the friendship version of "booty call" a companion of last resort or one to be taken up when nothing better is available.

 

Your description is not one of a friend that values your opinion or your company so make yourself very scarce (you have a good start on that already) and do the work to find someone that does appreciate you and wishes to spend time with you without texting and other distractions or a free feeding in the bargain.

 

I read the pain between the lines of your message, His behavior is no reflection on you honey, some people can simply be insensitive jerks. You deserve better.

 

Good luck to you.

[RDank]

You probably already know what I'm going to say but it seems that you might need to drop this "friend". By your description he appears to be using you for the friendship version of "booty call" a companion of last resort or one to be taken up when nothing better is available.

 

Your description is not one of a friend that values your opinion or your company so make yourself very scarce (you have a good start on that already) and do the work to find someone that does appreciate you and wishes to spend time with you without texting and other distractions or a free feeding in the bargain.

 

I read the pain between the lines of your message, His behavior is no reflection on you honey, some people can simply be insensitive jerks. You deserve better.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Thanks! You are right... it just sucks when you realize that you thought you had a closer friendship than you really do.

[General LoveFist]

I am in a similar situation with my "best friend" although we are both male and have known each other for a fair few years, about the same you have known your friend.

 

We have always been close friends but it is only recently, last few months since he has got a girlfriend that i never really see him much anymore. He only ever wants to "Hang Out" when his Girlfriend ain't around, or he has nothing better to do. He has had other Girlfriends in the past but he has never been as distant as he has been now, and although i am happy for him ... i am not just going to bend over for my best friend and let him use me when it only suits him.

 

There are a few things you can try, i think the most obvious one to show you are not very happy with them is to simply give them the cold shoulder, put others before them ... reject any of his offers to hang out and he might realize that you are not taking any of his crap anymore. At the same though he could use this to just act like he is a friend when really he ain't. My friend tried being quiet friendly with me a couple of weeks ago but i wasn't having any of that as i knew his GF was out of town. My other friend has an amazing GF yet when i asked if he wanted to come round he jumped straight at my offer and made some time out of his plans and this is what i would expect my "best friend" to be doing as i would happily do the same for him.

 

Long story short ... i wouldn't take any of this crap, if he is making plans for others in his own time, and only using you as a back burner then he obviously ain't worth your time or effort. You can obviously try what i said to see if he changes how he reacts and treats you more like the others but if he just continues then i would just ditch him and move on. Your true friends are the ones who are always there no matter what .. and i think i might have found my true best friend thanks to ignorance of the current "best friend".

 

I wish you all the best, whatever your decision / situation.

[RDank]

Thanks!! I am just stuck on his way of thinking... he thinks that just because we are in the same room that it should be good enough. Even he spends all that time on his phone or my computer. But when he is with his other friends, he ignores me because I text him too much. WTF??

 

Why is it ok for him to talk to everyone in the world when he and I are hanging out but not the same for his other friends. I asked this and he didnt get it...

 

I am both frustrated and sad at the same time...

 

thanks for the replies though.... its helpful to know I am not alone in my thinking

[General LoveFist]

Thanks!! I am just stuck on his way of thinking... he thinks that just because we are in the same room that it should be good enough. Even he spends all that time on his phone or my computer. But when he is with his other friends, he ignores me because I text him too much. WTF??

 

Why is it ok for him to talk to everyone in the world when he and I are hanging out but not the same for his other friends. I asked this and he didnt get it...

 

I am both frustrated and sad at the same time...

 

thanks for the replies though.... its helpful to know I am not alone in my thinking

 

No idea, my friends speak to their friends if they message first but that is usually the only time, i think if i had a friend who always spoke to his friends when with me then i would assume he is interested more in them then he is in you ... which sounds quiet of sad really. Also there is a good chance he could of just been lying about not understanding your question just to avoid the awkwardness of it ... i know if i was confronted with that question i would feel pretty bad about myself.

 

And yeah being sad is understandable, he will most likely end up kicking himself for being such a fool soon enough.

[blueyedgrl85]

You aren't doing anything wrong, it's just your view of friendship is more personal than his. You obviously care more personally than your friend, which is his own fault. You are the good kind of friend, the kind that everyone needs and that everyone realizes they have lost once it's gone for a while.

[RDank]

You aren't doing anything wrong, it's just your view of friendship is more personal than his. You obviously care more personally than your friend, which is his own fault. You are the good kind of friend, the kind that everyone needs and that everyone realizes they have lost once it's gone for a while.

 

 

Thank you! I hope you're right... we haven't talked since our fight. Two weeks... which is a long time for us. But he made his decision, which was to knowlingly hurt my feelings.

[Feelin Frisky]

You're allowing yourself to be used (probably because you're nice and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm like that too. I don't not want to NOT be who I am and turn suspicious or standoffish but many people are honest to god sociopaths, pathological liars, self centered heartless bastards who seek out those that have this kind of innocent and accommodating nature). It's sometimes hard to tell that your being victimized because such people know how to string others along just so far that they don't give themselves away. I've learned the hard way to keep score on new acquaintances. Basically, I use baseball rules: three strikes and you're out--all the way out as in discovered and outed. I understand how diabolical some people can be in the way they manipulate and the lengths they'll go to keep others on their string. Actually, now I've become more like one strike and you're out.

 

Consider this: there are actually men who spend years asserting vows, learning rules, kissing rings on bended knee all for the ultimate goal of getting into a position where they can molest children. I'm of course talking about priests. But this shows the nature of self-serving pathological liars. They can invest years or even a decade plus of swearing oaths and shi++ing in "god's face" to get where they're going. And all along it never seems to dawn that this is the worse kind of sacrilegious criminality that they could and should stop and seek help with before acting it out in reality.

 

I'm not of course saying that this guy you've been associating with is a worst case scenario, but you are clearly being used and manipulated into being loyal with no respect or reward for your loyalty. That's strike one, two and three. Get rid of this azzhole and don't turn back--he's showed enough of his colors that anything he says will just be more manipulation. It's what he does or doesn't do that counts and you are hip to his getting over on your tendency to trust. Trust me. It's clear you're being used.