Clingy & Distant friend... What is going on?

[ANJL_BEING]

I am 26. ok here's the deal...

A very good friend of mine and I lost touch for about a year and a half because she about went off the deep end with some use (cocaine), depression, and relationship problems. She went out of the country for a while for some "soul searching". She abandoned everyone, even her family... A year and a half later, we reconnect and she is clean and doing very well. So it's been about 3-4 months since we have been talking and hanging out again. We talked (mostly txt) every single day as much as possible. She apologized for hurting me and said that she was in a very bad place in her life... So now, it's like our friendship is bipolar. It seems like the inital feeling of "oh I have her back in my life" has faded. She used to spend almost every day off with me. She will ask me to stay with her, and we are inseparable for a bit, but then for a week's span, she constantly has an excuse about not getting back with me or leaving me hanging, partially answering my question or comment when I call or text her. I ask her something, and she says she's sick, working, will call me later. One week, she's clingy, the next, she seems too busy for me.

 

I don't know how to address this with her. I don't want to seem like a spaz and be like, "Oh why are you ignoring me?" I don't want to seem childish, but it is REALLY bothering me. What really is bothering me, is she seems so distant lately. She doesn't talk about her feelings much at all. I'm trying not to take it personally, because I understand she is busy at times, but it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. I mean, last week, we were together every day, (and by her choice-she asked me to stay with her all week while her family was out of town).. and this week, every time I try to contact her, she is busy and "will call me or txt me back". She never acts irritated or angry about anything. I'm wondering if there's something going on in her life that she's too afraid or embarrassed to share with me. But isnt that what friends are for?

 

I just don't know how to approach her on this one. I don't want to make her feel defensive, but it hurts me...

 

I will send her a text for instance, i told her i had rescheduled our vacation to the week she had suggested would be better (because she had an event at work come up) and if it wasn't a good week, that i could reschedule again... and she says she will check with her boss (to finalize) and get back with me, that she is at work and can't talk (understandable) and says she will txt or call me later, and is very sweet about it... later goes by, and the next day, I text her, she apologizes for not getting back with me, but it's the same thing... This has gone on for a week now. She isn't exactly ignoring me, she just doesn't follow through on any conversation or comment. FYI: She does have ADHD but it seems under control.

Edited May 19, 2010 by ANJL_BEING

[gals]

Okay, I have this kind of friend also and uhm...I'm like this also to some of my friends.

 

The thing with this kind of friendship is, it's like a relationship--the no-commitment type. Just take it easy with this one. If she calls and you're not available, tell her so. If you invite her and she's not available, then it's ok. You don't have to force her into something she won't commit.

 

Even if she's your bestest friend in the whole wide world, when friends grow up and turn into real adults, the dynamics shift and things happen, you fall in love, get married, have kids, jobs, family responsibilities etc. So don't expect too much.

 

As they say, enjoy it while you have it and don't cling to them and don't expect too much so you won't get disappointed and frustrated.

 

Trust me, it worked that way with me and my friends. Sometimes, I turn down some invites, but as long as you don't commit yet, it's ok. you've got your own lives too. YOu can say, "I'll see if I'm available at that date, but I'm not sure yet, I'll text back to confirm." Sounds better than to keep one hanging.

[ANJL_BEING]

I see... I am not the one leaving her hanging. You ever get the feeling that all the excuses are so much of a coincidence? Sometimes I believe her, and sometimes I don't. I don't know if it's because i've been hurt by others in the past, especially my family, or if my intuition is right. I just want to say, "Do you realize you have left me hanging for 8 days in a row? Every time I try to get an answer out of you, you have an answer as to why... And I would just like a little effort of your part. All you have to do is let me know, be honest with me..." I told her the other day I wanted her to be real with me, and she said, "Don't talk about being real." It scares her when I tell her how I feel. One time, I called her out on being flaky, but I did it in a nice way... But I also let her know she can't do that crap to me... And she ended up crying and apologizing like a 5 year old does when she's scared of her mother. very strange. Why is it so hard for people to care about each other and be REAL?