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Lonely/No Friends


UpandAway

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Hi,

 

I'm a 21 year old girl and I feel like a bit of a failure. I really wish I had more friends / people to hang around with. It's really getting me down at the moment.

 

A bit of background- I was extremely shy when I was growing up and I was bullied. I never really had a big gang of friends to hang around with and I feel it's something I missed out on. I'm currently in counseling for this (and depression). I do have a few close friends, but only two live in the same town as me so when they're not around (which can be a good bit sometimes due to college/work/ boyfriends), I find myself at a loose end. I tend to go on walks by myself to get out of the house but just feel more lonely (god, that sounds pathetic!) :o

 

I'm in a college course ( a master's degree) which doesn't have a lot of in-class hours so I haven't really bonded with people in my class. I also spent the first 3 years of college in a relationship which I gave way too much of my time ( and is now over.) This back-fired on me in two ways- firstly, I didn't put as much effort into making friends/joining clubs in college as I should have because I was so focused on boyfriend and secondly, a lot of mutual friends I had with my ex have dropped me now that I'm not with him.

 

I now feel that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm with one of my few friends that live locally or with my current boyfriend, who lives in a different town. In fact, my boyfriend's friends (and him) have often commented on how nice/fun/ sociable I am. Why can't I find nice people like that where I live? I just want to be able to go to the cinema/dinner with nice people instead of sitting in bored on my own.

 

I'm really miserable here at the moment and don't know what to do. I suppose I just wanted some advice and a bit of a rant! :)

 

Thanks, guys!

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shame. consider it a lesson learned as i did. Never ever neglect your friends, even when you're in a relationship... you never know when you're gonna need them.

 

But don't worry, you can always make new friends. really. First thing is to away from that darn computer, go out and start looking for things you enjoy. Join a club or something. Make it social. Be pro-active.

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shame. consider it a lesson learned as i did. Never ever neglect your friends, even when you're in a relationship... you never know when you're gonna need them.

 

But don't worry, you can always make new friends. really. First thing is to away from that darn computer, go out and start looking for things you enjoy. Join a club or something. Make it social. Be pro-active.

 

Thanks :)

 

Oh, I learned my lesson. Big time. Though I now understand why I made my ex the center of my world as much as I did- I never really had many friends as I said and found making friends difficult. So it was much easier, in a new environment like college, to cling on to someone that I thought loved me and wanted to spend all his time with me. My current relationship is kinda long-distance too, and it's forced me to realize that I really need to start making an independent life for myself.

 

As for joining clubs- I've recently joined a knitting group and most of the women there are a good bit older than me, with kids and stuff. They're nice but I can't really relate to them. I'm not really sporty but I'm forcing myself to join some sort of fitness class. But I'm more into reading/writing/music, but don't really know any group activities that these would involve.:confused:

 

also I suffer a bit from small-town syndrome, there's not a lot going on here, and I never made that many friends as most of the people in my school I just didn't click with for whatever reason.

 

But I love to be sociable and busy so the combination of few school-hours and lack of friends is getting me down somewhat.

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Deeblondie82

Go to a poetry reading if you got any around you... its great place to be social. Ummm.. I know a bar isnt a real good place but maybe a karaoke joint? I love to go karaoke and I meet ppl who love to as well and make a ton of new friends in the process.

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I feel for your experience being an outsider and bullied in your adolescence. Good for you to be dealing with it during counseling.

The upside to your experience...and there is one, if you look...

Is that you have learned and are learning (willing or not!) self reliance.

Going for a walk alone...maybe you dont want to, but you are doing it anyway to get out of the house! I have to tell you, I love that, I admire that, and you are only 21. Self reflecting, proactive, wow...

 

Anyway, my point when I started was that...soon after 20's and college most of us end up with just a few good friends that we often dont see much. Many of the younger people you see around you that seem to have a big social circle...dont. They are alone in a crowd. They are needy and seeking pack approval...soon to be disappointed when they also must self reflect and attempt to be self reliant (not just financially, etc but emotionally self reliant - its a huge and necessary part of life).

 

I'm sorry you are lonely. But really, you sound so wonderful. How about volunteering , something fun..any room in your schedule for that? Giving to others, part of a group with a common goal..is fun, fulfilling, and a great way to network AND count your blessings.

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I feel for your experience being an outsider and bullied in your adolescence. Good for you to be dealing with it during counseling.

The upside to your experience...and there is one, if you look...

Is that you have learned and are learning (willing or not!) self reliance.

Going for a walk alone...maybe you dont want to, but you are doing it anyway to get out of the house! I have to tell you, I love that, I admire that, and you are only 21. Self reflecting, proactive, wow...

 

Anyway, my point when I started was that...soon after 20's and college most of us end up with just a few good friends that we often dont see much. Many of the younger people you see around you that seem to have a big social circle...dont. They are alone in a crowd. They are needy and seeking pack approval...soon to be disappointed when they also must self reflect and attempt to be self reliant (not just financially, etc but emotionally self reliant - its a huge and necessary part of life).

 

I'm sorry you are lonely. But really, you sound so wonderful. How about volunteering , something fun..any room in your schedule for that? Giving to others, part of a group with a common goal..is fun, fulfilling, and a great way to network AND count your blessings.

 

 

Thanks a lot for the nice things you said, it's good to hear! :laugh:

 

It's also nice to know that other people are the same situation. I look around at other people my age and they all seem to have big groups of friends (or even a small group of really good friends) to hang around with/go places with. And it irritates me that I don't have that. But maybe as you say they aren't really as happy as they make out.

 

I've learned to rely on myself (and be happy with my own company) from an earlier age than most I would say, just because I was a bit of an outsider. While that has been good in some ways ( I traveled by myself, etc, I'm fairly independent), sometimes I just feel "I've relied on myself for long enough, I want other people in my life too!" That's probably why I clinged so much to my first boyfriend.

 

I s'pose it doesn't help that I've been having problems with my very close best friend for awhile now. I guess that's another thread, but it's contributing to how lonely and depressed I feel.

 

I've considered volunteering before but I'm not really sure where/what I would do. I guess I'll just investigate further. :)

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