I always have to go to them, they never come to me

[Not the love ace]

Okay,

 

I don't know how other people feel or if anyone else has friends like this but does anyone have those friends that never come to you and invite you places or to partake in an event unless you call or approach them then they suddenly let you know that you're invited. However, when you plan something, you always invite them plus as many of the other friends as you can?

 

This is kind of a little pet peeve of mine and maybe even major. I do love some of the friends I have and when I am with them, I really enjoy their company but I can't help but feel that I sometimes feel invisible to them or just a thought, concept, last minute, back-up or filler buddy. It just bugs me because I always come up with something to do, come up with some plans and they consider it but it never comes to fruition because of the lack of communication on their part.

 

If they make plans, it always goes through and I gladly partake in their events. I have plenty of fun and don't complain because I don't want to make something out of nothing.

 

It does bother me though that I always seem to trigger and initiate any sort of communication with them in any way. I'll make the first phone call, first text, first instant message, first any form of communication period. If I don't communicate with them, they'll go days or weeks without communicating with me. Maybe they'll never even communicate with me if I don't with them.

 

It bugs me because some of them tell me I am a great friend and they love having me around but I just never get any communication only when they REALLY need something, or if I seem like something of interest for them. I never mentioned this to them and don't think I will because I don't want to mention this to them only to have them realize then they start doing it just maybe for the sake of not having me complain and them just being nice. Plus, I don't want to ask people to think of me, I want a mutual feeling.

 

Another thing that bugs is that I was recently went to the hospital for chest pain and heart complications. It was nothing drastic or serious and didn't require any surgery but I told my friends that I had to cancel on them for a party because I needed to go see what was going on with my body. The next day, none of my friends called or texted me to find out how I am doing. I am TOTALLY not the type to want people to worry about or feel sorry for me but I kind of felt a little sad that no one texted me through out the night or bothered to call me just to see how I'm doing and didn't for several days till I contacted them.

 

However, when my friends are having a really crappy day and are depressed I keep tabs on them just to know how they are doing. Of course if they are sick, I keep in touch every day to know how things are going. If possible I'll go visit them. I'm not saying I want them to call or communicate every single day but in a situation like that it would have been nice to know that someone was thinking of me.

 

I just don't know what to make of it though since I feel the way I do but other people will probably just tell me that I am just being dramatic. However, I know I can't be the only person who reaches out to everyone and keeps in touch with them but maybe other people won't get back to you. I'm not a needy person but at least some communication here and there would be cool.

 

Whats your thoughts and opinions?

Edited March 7, 2010 by Not the love ace

[Fouts]

Sounds more like casual acquaintances than friends. People you have fun with and things in common when you're around each other, but other than that no real bond.

 

True friends are hard to come by, the kind that really think of and about you from time to time. Narrow down your definition a bit and I don't think you'll be quite as disappointed.

[Mary3]

It sounds like you are the thoughtful GOOD friend .

 

You can't change them that they don't care that much about you but you can change how much time you react to it and stew over it.

 

I had a friend who would say " I will call you right back " Then hours would go by. * Right Back * for some can mean days....( well at least for her anyway )

 

Lesson I learned when it came to her : Don't wait by the phone. When people give little energy to you then you need to give little energy back .

[shadowplay]

Yup. When I had female friends in middle school, high school and early college, they used to do this to me all the time. I almost always had to be the initiator, and sometimes they'd even make plans when I wasn't there and they wouldn't invite me.

 

I was always careful to invite everyone to an event so no one felt left out, but they often didn't extend the same courtesy to me. I always go the sense if I just disappeared and stopped initiating they wouldn't notice or care.

 

This was really troubling for me at the time. It left me feeling unappreciated and excluded. In the end these girls either stopped talking to me or I cut them off. "Friends" like these aren't worth having.

Edited March 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Okay,

 

I don't know how other people feel or if anyone else has friends like this but does anyone have those friends that never come to you and invite you places or to partake in an event unless you call or approach them then they suddenly let you know that you're invited. However, when you plan something, you always invite them plus as many of the other friends as you can?

 

This is kind of a little pet peeve of mine and maybe even major. I do love some of the friends I have and when I am with them, I really enjoy their company but I can't help but feel that I sometimes feel invisible to them or just a thought, concept, last minute, back-up or filler buddy. It just bugs me because I always come up with something to do, come up with some plans and they consider it but it never comes to fruition because of the lack of communication on their part.

 

If they make plans, it always goes through and I gladly partake in their events. I have plenty of fun and don't complain because I don't want to make something out of nothing.

 

It does bother me though that I always seem to trigger and initiate any sort of communication with them in any way. I'll make the first phone call, first text, first instant message, first any form of communication period. If I don't communicate with them, they'll go days or weeks without communicating with me. Maybe they'll never even communicate with me if I don't with them.

 

It bugs me because some of them tell me I am a great friend and they love having me around but I just never get any communication only when they REALLY need something, or if I seem like something of interest for them. I never mentioned this to them and don't think I will because I don't want to mention this to them only to have them realize then they start doing it just maybe for the sake of not having me complain and them just being nice. Plus, I don't want to ask people to think of me, I want a mutual feeling.

 

Another thing that bugs is that I was recently went to the hospital for chest pain and heart complications. It was nothing drastic or serious and didn't require any surgery but I told my friends that I had to cancel on them for a party because I needed to go see what was going on with my body. The next day, none of my friends called or texted me to find out how I am doing. I am TOTALLY not the type to want people to worry about or feel sorry for me but I kind of felt a little sad that no one texted me through out the night or bothered to call me just to see how I'm doing and didn't for several days till I contacted them.

 

However, when my friends are having a really crappy day and are depressed I keep tabs on them just to know how they are doing. Of course if they are sick, I keep in touch every day to know how things are going. If possible I'll go visit them. I'm not saying I want them to call or communicate every single day but in a situation like that it would have been nice to know that someone was thinking of me.

 

I just don't know what to make of it though since I feel the way I do but other people will probably just tell me that I am just being dramatic. However, I know I can't be the only person who reaches out to everyone and keeps in touch with them but maybe other people won't get back to you. I'm not a needy person but at least some communication here and there would be cool.

 

Whats your thoughts and opinions?

 

A few questions. Are your friends part of a tight-knit clique? I find that these groupings often trigger the absolute worst behavior in people. Group members will sometimes pressure each other to exclude other members and there's also competition among members about who truly belongs.

 

Often one member is excluded when (does any of this apply to you?)

 

1) they're new to an already established group whose members have pre-existing bonds. Strangely the rejection often doesn't come when the new member first joins the group. It starts to happen when some time has passed and the new member is becoming an important part of the group. if this threatens one or more members, the newbie gets excluded.

 

2) the other members get a chance to bond in some way outside of the excluded member. Let's say all the members except one take an aerobics class together. This will cement their bond and make them feel that the other member is an outsider in which case they will often push the other member out.

 

3) One member of the group decides they don't like another member (often rooted in jealousy or some imagined slight) and pressures the rest of the group to exclude said member.

 

Another sad reality is that one way group members bond is often by hating on or excluding another member. If you defend an excluded member or disengage from the group politics altogether, you may also find yourself excluded.

 

If I were in your shoes, and assuming your friends are part of a "group," I would assume that your friends are talking about you behind your back and the group has decided that you're not as important as other members. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense that they would all exclude you. I wouldn't trust friends who treated me like this, and I wouldn't stay friends with them.

Edited March 7, 2010 by shadowplay

[blueyedgrl85]

It is important that all friendships are balanced. This means that you should only give what the other person is giving. For instance, if your friend calls you, then you should call her the next time. If your friend asks you to go to the movies, then the next time you’re considering the movies you should ask her. If you’re going out to dinner and you ask your friend to go, then you should expect her to reciprocate your offer sometime in the future, and so on. It would be a mistake to continually ask your friends to go out to dinner when they never ask you. It would mean that you were putting more into the friendship than you were getting.

 

It is psychologically unhealthy for you to continue this one-sided friendship dynamic.You are over giving your time and effort. Then when you expect people to reciprocate, they often don’t. The solution is to limit the time and effort you place into friendships.

[Els]

I can't stress this enough - it's not you, it's them. What they did about you being in the hospital was just HORRIBLE... but some people are just like that! Let me tell you a story - my 'friends' (I'd already realized through previous encounters that they aren't real friends, but anyway) all wanted to hitch a ride with me for our internship semester, and I agreed. One day, I fell sick and informed a few of them that I wouldn't be able to drive tomorrow. The responses all fell along the lines of 'oh, okay'. NONE of them bothered to tell me to get well soon, or ask how I was when I reappeared a few days later, or anything! In fact, the next day, the driver who replaced me called me up at 7am to ask if I could come meet her to pass her my toll card! (You have to queue up slightly longer if you don't have a card)

 

I'd always wondered if it was something I did, but in the end I came to the conclusion that they really just were self-absorbed idiots.

 

Distance yourself a little from those people and stop calling/asking them - if they invite you, they do, if they don't, no biggie for you. And find yourself some REAL friends - not everyone is like that! If your entire class/workplace is like that (and it's quite possible, depending on the type of population your class/work attracts), find them somewhere else. There really is no point wasting your time and effort on people who don't reciprocate.

Edited March 10, 2010 by Elswyth

[Not the love ace]

A few questions. Are your friends part of a tight-knit clique? I find that these groupings often trigger the absolute worst behavior in people. Group members will sometimes pressure each other to exclude other members and there's also competition among members about who truly belongs.

 

Often one member is excluded when (does any of this apply to you?)

 

1) they're new to an already established group whose members have pre-existing bonds. Strangely the rejection often doesn't come when the new member first joins the group. It starts to happen when some time has passed and the new member is becoming an important part of the group. if this threatens one or more members, the newbie gets excluded.

 

2) the other members get a chance to bond in some way outside of the excluded member. Let's say all the members except one take an aerobics class together. This will cement their bond and make them feel that the other member is an outsider in which case they will often push the other member out.

 

3) One member of the group decides they don't like another member (often rooted in jealousy or some imagined slight) and pressures the rest of the group to exclude said member.

 

Another sad reality is that one way group members bond is often by hating on or excluding another member. If you defend an excluded member or disengage from the group politics altogether, you may also find yourself excluded.

 

If I were in your shoes, and assuming your friends are part of a "group," I would assume that your friends are talking about you behind your back and the group has decided that you're not as important as other members. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense that they would all exclude you. I wouldn't trust friends who treated me like this, and I wouldn't stay friends with them.

 

 

Yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the coffin and sorry for the VERY late response heehee. But its pretty much like that. One of my two closer friends (one of them is a couple) is apart of that tight knit clique. To make a long story short I have been isolated by the clique because of this one girl who wanted to get with me but never did and since she felt rejected her reaction was that if she can't have me, she doesn't want the clique to be friends with me.

 

Now, for the most part most the people in the clique I feel do like me and my company but since they are her (and were her) friends first I feel they seem obligated to take her side and think it would be a wrong idea to be friends with me, hence the reason why they talk bad about me behind my back even though they know I am in the right. Which is very elementary because we are ALL adults.

 

So one of my friends who is apart of my clique hangs out and talks to me A LOT and we are pretty tight. However she doesn't really mention to the other clique that we hangout separately and I kind of assume its because she doesn't want to mess up the flow of things with her "girlz" and I think she's afraid that they'll think she's going against her tide.

 

So thanks to this one manipulative and selfish chick, its hard for me to hang out with the rest of the group without a negative feeling. So basically I'm in and out of the picture and not that important.

 

All-in-all, I just can't deal with the immaturity whatsoever. Its really getting to me but I also feel like if I get out the picture completely and cut off contact even with the people whom I am pretty tight with, then I'll be doing what the one particular girl wants and that would make everything great for her and leave me being lonely and start from scratch.

 

Ugh....