Friend not ready to revert back

[craig841]

I just posted this in Friends and Lovers, but didn't get any reply, so I thought I'd try here to see if I got a better response.

 

From those of you who have read my previous posts, you will know I fell hopelessly in love with a very good friend of mine until we sorted it out and discussed it, with her saying it wasn't mutual and that she wanted just a friendship.

 

I then took time out from her, explaining that I needed to get any thoughts of us being together out of my head and continue on with my life. She accepted this and only a week later asked if I was done with my break. I then sent her an email asking her to respect my wishes and work out what exactly it was she wanted from me and she agreed to leave me until I was ready. This was the beginning of the year. Recently we got back in touch, with me having moved on from the experience and moving my attentions on to other things, which has been successful: despite now being back in contact I no longer see her as a potential partner, but just a fun person to talk to...we know each other well. We live far apart and so rarely see each other now.

 

Having been in contact for a few weeks she suddenly goes blank on me despite my repeated attempts to get in touch, wanting to discuss serious matters with her that had happened in my family. I put this down to something having happened with her, as it's never random busyness. I try and get in contact and managed to Fbook her only today. As usual she acts as if nothing has happened but then suddenly goes off halfway through conversation with no warning, leading me to think that she has a problem with me.

 

I have suspicions she has found a new man (from talking to her friends, who have their own suspicions) and no longer feels comfortable with me. I really am not bothered if she has a new bf, in fact I am very happy for her as it will brighten up her otherwise dull life (she describes it as boring atm). I have moved on from the situation and am well past it.

 

I had a lengthy chat with her on the phone on Valentine's Day when we were talking about the day itself, and whether she had anyone in mind. She was totally comfortable with discussing it with me, and didn't seem alarmed when I mentioned my own plans with someone else for that day. She even offered to meet up for coffee, which fell through when she couldn't get the day off work. This latest Fbook disappearance coincided with me mentioning her single status again and telling her she needed a bf when she complained how bored she was, which she agreed on. And then went.

 

Do you think her not being ready is the correct assumption? With me getting back in touch with her I think she should assume that I am now sorted out in my own head and a non-issue, as that's what I said would be the case when I did contact her again. Is it that she is not ready to think this way and still considers me as a suitor? I know her so well, and yet sometimes she seems like a total stranger. Thanks a lot.

[ADF]

You need to break off all contact with this woman at once. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. She has told you, clearly, that she's not interested in you. You are clearly still interested in her. Very interested. You say you're not, but that is clearly false. If you persist this way, you are not only going to drive yourself crazy, but you'll drive her crazy as well.

 

And frankly, she sounds like a lousy friend. You should never, ever, accept being stonewalled--i.e. having someone not respond do you. That is more than disrepsect; it is outright contempt. In poilite society, that kind of behavior is called a snub. In a prison yard, it can get you killed.

 

Although you may not see it, this woman sounds like someone who is first and foremost committed to make things as easy as possible on herself, your feelings be damned. Kick her to the curb already.

[Ronni_W]

Is it that she is not ready to think this way and still considers me as a suitor?

Guessing. It's more likely that she sees you as nothing but a friend. It doesn't appear that she is "ranking" her friendship with you as highly as you're ranking your friendship with her -- it's more important/meaningful for you, and the imbalance is making you come across as needy/dependent. It could be (most likely is?) turning her off massively.

 

As you say, she's also likely got a b/f or is heading in that direction with a particular guy. It makes sense that she won't be as available to ALL her platonic friends as when she was single. Possibly even, she will be curtailing her platonic friendships with males even moreso.

 

Truth is, she's not obligated to 'be there' for you whenever and just because you have "serious matters" that you want to "discuss" with her, or you need to talk about whatever or want to hang out with her.

 

In any case, you're the one who has been running hot and cold on her; and you seem to think that just cos you've "sorted out your head" (for now), that she has to just fall in line with where you are, what you're okay with, and how you want the relationship to proceed.

 

I also agree with ADF -- it does not sound as if you're genuinely at a place where you've got zero romantic feelings for her. If you choose to not go N/C, you'd actually just be setting-up yourself for further frustration and feeling "abandoned", which will likely result in you becoming more needy and demanding of her time and attention.

 

It's going to be a vicious cycle for you...and you'll be doing it all to yourself.

I would urge you to strongly consider ADF's suggestion.

[craig841]

You need to break off all contact with this woman at once. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. She has told you, clearly, that she's not interested in you. You are clearly still interested in her. Very interested. You say you're not, but that is clearly false. If you persist this way, you are not only going to drive yourself crazy, but you'll drive her crazy as well.

 

I actively DO NOT WANT to be with her. She would be damaging to me, I have already established this. We are better off as somewhat distantly spaced friends, as the situation is now. I am totally happy with the way things are playing out, just not with the stonewalling. I said that I am happy for her with another guy. I know there are so many people out there who try and kid themselves into being over someone, but I enjoy having her as a friend, and she is off the pedestal. Honestly. I have another woman I am seeing right now, and this issue is not interfering with that.

 

We've known each other for 6 years, and she's always been one of the only voices of sanity in my otherwise insane life. I would like to keep this voice. I am pretty drunk right now, and am strongly considering just ending it and removing her from Facebook and my phone, but I just can't.

[craig841]

Truth is, she's not obligated to 'be there' for you whenever and just because you have "serious matters" that you want to "discuss" with her, or you need to talk about whatever or want to hang out with her.

 

My parents are divorcing, and she knows my family somewhat. She talked to me about it in the Valentine's Day conversation, but at that time I only thought it was a trial split. I was looking for her as someone I KNEW only considered me as a friend (and a good one at that) for support through it. Sounds weak and feeble and like I'm using her, but I was rendered useless and apathetic to the rest of the world because of this and I felt like I had few places to turn.

 

I guess she doesn't have to...meaning she doesn't give a ****, meaning get rid.

[Ronni_W]

Craig,

Sorry for what you're dealing with, about your parents' divorce.

It can be really, really tough on the entire family.

I guess she doesn't have to...meaning she doesn't give a ****, meaning get rid.

It can be true that she doesn't give a crap.

Or it can be true that she's not a therapist and therefore is not properly trained to help you properly sort out and process all your thoughts and feelings. And also, of course, that she does not have the personal/inner resources on top of not having the professional training.

 

In any case, you do deserve to have the proper guidance and support that you want and need. So it may be wise to consult with a therapist-counselor as part of you taking care of your own emotional-mental well-being.

 

Sending hugs and best wishes.

Edited March 5, 2010 by Ronni_W

[carhill]

OP, as friends do, have you been interested in and supportive of her life and times? Did that component continue after you resolved your romantic feelings? Could she talk to you about personal things and find you to be what a normal friend is, supportive and caring?

 

I think each of us must take responsibility for our roles in friendships. I know, when a good friend of mine comes to me in a dire life circumstance, or even with a complaint about something in their day, I listen, care and support them. That's what friends do. I don't dismiss them. Note that the gender of the friend matters not. Friendships aren't about gender. They are about shared caring, interests and love.

 

Apply this as appropriate to your circumstances and decide if this person is truly a friend whom you wish to have in your life. It is very true when people become involved in a romance or marriage they reprioritize their friendships, but the care, love and support should still remain within those dynamics. I'm hearing from you that you don't feel loved and supported as a friend. That's valid. If she dismisses that, then she's no friend. Next

[craig841]

OP, as friends do, have you been interested in and supportive of her life and times? Did that component continue after you resolved your romantic feelings? Could she talk to you about personal things and find you to be what a normal friend is, supportive and caring?

 

I think each of us must take responsibility for our roles in friendships. I know, when a good friend of mine comes to me in a dire life circumstance, or even with a complaint about something in their day, I listen, care and support them. That's what friends do. I don't dismiss them. Note that the gender of the friend matters not. Friendships aren't about gender. They are about shared caring, interests and love.

 

Apply this as appropriate to your circumstances and decide if this person is truly a friend whom you wish to have in your life. It is very true when people become involved in a romance or marriage they reprioritize their friendships, but the care, love and support should still remain within those dynamics. I'm hearing from you that you don't feel loved and supported as a friend. That's valid. If she dismisses that, then she's no friend. Next

 

The caring has been mutual...in the past we have helped each other through things and been there for each other. She has had fallouts with her mother and dilemmas over her university choices, and I've been there when she's needed me. She hardly ever cries, but could cry to me about something she'd been keeping in. I've had my parents splitting, problems with other people, stress issues...and she has helped me through them.

 

She got in touch today asking genuinely whether I was doing well. Maybe it's too early to start being in contact every other day or so.

 

I'm still not sure whether she has started something with this guy. If she pushes all guy friends away from her then there's not much I can do about that and just need to accept it.

[carhill]

The key is the tone of the friendship. We all go through life changes which change our time commitments. Even if more sparse, the care and concern and support should remain, if the friendship is healthy. IMO, key on that. Just because she's not in contact as much, or her priorities change, it doesn't mean she's less of a friend. It's the quality of the contact, as well as the proactive nature of it. You've said a lot about that in your last post. Hope it works out for you