Moving On.

[Shyguy23]

Oh, man, am I hurting.

 

I wrote back in December, when my friend "David" and I were having issues. That blew over, so I had forgotten about this place.

 

But, a month ago, I had bottled up anger about totally unrealted issues, and ended up exploading at David. I had been testy with him all day, and so, we ended up getting into this heated argument.

 

Now, I don't want this to be a long story. Some other stuff happened too- but it was mainly our argument. He stopped talking to me, and just a few days ago, I just happened to see him on campus.

 

I communicated to him that I was hurting and that I wanted to know where we stood. Now, I can’t remember exact words because I was very stressed. But, in so many words, he communicated that many people were hurting his health and that he physically could not handle it anymore. “I’m done,” He said. “Until you love yourself, you will never be happy.”

I had texted him a few times while we weren't speaking. One of my texts said I was realizing he wasn't my only friend. David brought this up, saying, "At least I've done one good thing for you." (David always got me to socialize when I normally wouldn't.)

 

Somewhere in there, I told him he was being confusing so I asked him what he wanted to do in terms of our friendship. “I don’t really know. I could say we’re done and I don’t want to speak to you ever again, but I know you don’t want me to say that… but right now, I just can’t handle the stress. I then asked, “So, are we over? Can we talk again?” He kind of bit his lip and thought for a moment. “We can see where we’re at near the end of the semester…” From there, our conversation ended quietly, and I thanked him for talking and left.

 

So, yeah. David seemed to idicate the friendship was over, but I guess we'll be talking in May.

 

So, how do you move on from a friendship? I'm so hurt.

 

I've lost friends by drama before, and David said he never would do this to me.

 

Help.

[JohnM]

I don't know the history, but it sounds as if he is emotionally burnt out.

 

You seem to have known him well. Did he have issues of his own that may have been weighing him down? If he is the sort of personality that takes on the role of the counsellor he needs some recovery time to heal himself up and close off to the world. Perhaps too many people were wanting too much of him when he needed some time for himself.

 

I think he wants some solitude perhaps? Just give him some space and maybe call in on him once a week, nothing too taxing and try not to make it about anything between either the two of you or anything about you. Ask only about him and if he has anything to he needs to express.

[Shyguy23]

John,

 

You're exactly correct in your guess. David does take on the role of "consoluer" and that was actually how our friendship "became." He told me I could always talk to him, so I did. But yes, over the years, it's just gotten to big blow ups and finally, currently, he is seeming to not want any of it. Don't misunderstand-- David and I are (were) friends in every other sense of the word- we hung out and did stuff. But the CORE of the friendship was him acting as the advice giver.

 

I would very much like to call him once in a while to see how he is. But, he has been ignoring my calls and texts, and when we spoke last, he told me to call him in May.

 

As far as not making the conversation during that call about me, I don't really see how I could do that, as I don't even know if I'd get to talk to him again afterwards. If I knew he was just 'angry' and wasn't planning to cut me out of his life, I would indeed just give him a 'check up' call once in awhile.

 

This type of behavior usually blows over, and I really hope it does this time. But I think David's current plan is to just cut me out of his life forever.

 

 

 

I don't know. David seems to be having a lot of other issues going on with him. But the thing about him is that he never talks about his issues. Or, very rarely. Even as close as we are, he never spoke to me about issues he had. Maybe once or twice.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

One thing I can tell you, (and everyone) is he's doing drugs. I'm sure that's something to worry about.

[JohnM]

He may only need a bit of space but from the experience of being that kind of person (probably an INFJ) he may need prompting to bring up his problems. He may internalize his issues and may be holding you at arms length in order to ensure you don't get sucked into the problems he is having. He may be trying to deal with it alone and is struggling.

 

Do you share a connected friend? If so you may want to ask them to see what they know about his situation. At least then, you know if its something between just you and him or he is having a conflict which is disconnecting him from his social circle of support.

[Ronni_W]

he communicated that many people were hurting his health and that he physically could not handle it anymore. “I’m done,”

SG, he is trying to tell you, in as nice a way as possible, that (people like) you have been exhausting and depleting him, emotionally and physically.

 

That's what happens when you treat your "friend" like your parent and/or your counselor -- it becomes one-sided where you do all the taking and he does all the giving.

Consider that you didn't even think to wonder or ask about his mental, emotional and physical health and well-being -- you just made it out to be something about you, and how it impacts you, what will happen to you, and when will it happen.

 

Rather than focus on his personal problems and issues, look at how you are doing your side of things. OFFER him something positive, ASK him how you can support and encourage him. BE THERE for him in ways that he wants and needs from his friends.

 

He said. “Until you love yourself, you will never be happy.”

Listen to him. Work on loving yourself!

 

If you keep just being a taker, and needy, and insecure...then you cannot be a genuine friend (or effective romantic partner.) Learn how to listen with an open heart. Learn how to also give understanding, empathy, support and encouragement.

 

In the meantime, you might let him know that you realize that you've been part of his problem, that it was due to your self-interested approach, that you are sorry for your side of things, that you are working towards self-improvement. You could also say thank you for his VERY wise guidance, that you learn how to love your Self.

 

 

Yes, it's also that he allowed you to use him and just see him like your parent or counselor. But you can wait until the end of the semester to mention to him that maybe he also needs to learn how to take better care of himself, and develop firmer boundaries, and learn how to say 'no' in a timely manner (rather than waiting until his relationships exhaust and deplete him.)

Edited February 28, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Shyguy23]

John and Ronni, thanks for the support and advice.

 

I need to wait until the semester ends to talk with him. He is totally ignoring me, so talking with him now even just to see how he is doing isn't an option.

 

I am working on helping myself.

 

Some things I had begun doing before I last spoke to David. I mentioned this to David when we last spoke, but he was so closed minded he wasn't listening.

 

So, we'll see what happens. I'm actually doing fine, but if the friendship ends for good, that'll be a little harder to handle.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Shyguy23

[Ronni_W]

I mentioned this to David when we last spoke, but he was so closed minded he wasn't listening.

Don't try "talking" or "mentioning" anything ... just try saying that you're sorry for how you've been doing your part. You do NOT need to wait. That's just your cop-out and you not taking personal responsibility.

 

And it's not that he is "closed minded", it's that he is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

 

It's that you depleted and exhausted him. Unless YOU really "get" that, there will be nothing for you two to discuss. Ever. YOU need to get what you've been doing to him.

[Shyguy23]

Ronni,

 

I don't want to wait but, how can I communicate with someone who won't take my calls?

[Shyguy23]

Don't try "talking" or "mentioning" anything ... just try saying that you're sorry for how you've been doing your part. You do NOT need to wait. That's just your cop-out and you not taking personal responsibility.

 

Ronni, I don't want to wait. But, how can I communicate with him if he won't take my calls?

 

Ps: Sorry for the double post.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Shyguy23

[Ronni_W]

how can I communicate with him if he won't take my calls?

Send an email.

 

"I'm sorry if I have been adding to your problems. I realize that maybe I've been expecting more from you than I was giving. I wish you the very best, and hope that you'll be able to replenish and rejuvenate yourself. I don't know if I have the resources and skills to help. But I promise to try...if you will give me the chance."

 

But. Before you do that, you need to commit (to yourself only) to at least try -- if he gives you the opportunity.

 

To put it bluntly, you have been acting completely inconsiderately and without regard for him. First, you need to WANT to change that habit of yours...and then you'll need to learn how to actually stop being so selfish and focusing only on your own wants, needs, feelings and mental-emotional-physical-spiritual health.

[Shyguy23]

To put it bluntly, you have been acting completely inconsiderately and without regard for him.

 

Gosh. That is blunt.

 

David doesn't use the internet much.

 

I might write a short letter.

 

So. Should I wait a week or two before doing so?

 

There's a lot of anger in David. I don't want to piss him off even more.

[Ronni_W]

Giving understanding and empathy will not piss off anybody. Not even the devil him/herself! Do it yesterday. There is absolutely no logical reason to wait.

 

Sorry that I was blunt. But you weren't getting it any other way.

 

Write a letter -- that would be perfect. Make it VERY short and have the florist include your message on the card that you will send with the flowers. Just tell the florist, "under twenty dollars including tax and delivery, and a 'pick me up bouquet'."

 

Or thirty dollars, or ten dollars, or three thousand dollars. Whatever is YOUR value of this specific relationship.

 

EDIT: It's not "anger" that David is feeling. It's lack of appreciation and support. It's that YOU have not been expressing your gratitude and understanding. It's not "anger" but emotional exhaustion and depletion. You're not "getting" David and where David is. You need to start changing your picture of him...it is inaccurate.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Shyguy23]

Well, I won't be sending David flowers, lol. But, I will write him a letter. I doubt he will respond, but maybe it'll help him realize I mean well.

[Ronni_W]

maybe it'll help him realize I mean well.

No. You need to do MUCH more than "mean well"! Much, MUCH more.

 

"Meaning well" doesn't really count for anything, Shyguy. As far as David's emotional, mental and physical well-being -- your "meaning well" counts for crap, nothing, nada.

 

You need to do MUCH better than that.

 

This is about your own flaws and faulty thinking. Not his.