Sequoia Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Hey happy new year all!! I've not been on here for a while, was dealing with my stuff on my own. I need help with this though. A friend of mine got married a year ago and then her husband and I became friends as well. I used to view him as a younger brother and thought that he did the same until recently I realised that whenever he sees me his eyes light up and he commends me on my perfume, my hair or how I am dressed or tells me how much he misses me and wants me to move back to his area again so I can be close to them. I began to realise that maybe he has feelings for me.Now his wife recently started acting cold and strange and I decided to just ignore him and her for a while so that she can see I don't want her man. Now he's acting all hurt and I feel so guilty treating him badly because he really is a nice guy, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Should I end my friendship with him to make her happy? Should I talk to him about all the attention he gives me even in her presence or should I just avoid them both. I really don't know what to do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Who's more important? Her or her husband? Because it does seem you've allowed him to flirt and become close to you..Do you like him back? Not that you want him for yourself, but I DO believe you know what you're doing is wrong, that yes, it WILL hurt your friend (HER not him) if you continue being close with him. I think you need to tell him to keep it in check and focus on his wife. Leave it at that, short and simple.. In the meantime, start spending more time with her alone, you don't need to spend time with them as a couple all the time since she was your friend first. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Let me ask, does he openly flirt and oogle at you with her right there? He isn't a "nice" guy if he's doing this to begin with. If he were a nice guy he wouldn't be trying to get your attention (you may think he has feelings for you, but I hate to say it, chances are, he wants to see if you'll have sex with him.) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Don't play into his drama. His ego is stoked, because it's getting him attention from TWO women, (one who has a right to him, the other who is flattering and attentive) and he probably subconsciously loves how important this makes him feel. Tell him he's married now, and that you don't think the situation is appropriate. Tell him to grow up and stop being the injured little boy, and focus on the responsibility he has to his wife. Unless, of course, you would like to start a PA with him, in which case we'll see you shortly in the Infidelity forum.... Because you do realise, don't you, this is bordering on an Emotional Affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sequoia Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Who's more important? Her or her husband? Because it does seem you've allowed him to flirt and become close to you..Do you like him back? Not that you want him for yourself, but I DO believe you know what you're doing is wrong, that yes, it WILL hurt your friend (HER not him) if you continue being close with him. I think you need to tell him to keep it in check and focus on his wife. Leave it at that, short and simple.. In the meantime, start spending more time with her alone, you don't need to spend time with them as a couple all the time since she was your friend first. First of all I do not like him back. I saw him as a friend and we are not close (him and I).We became friends but never close friends, but back then I thought I was more his wife's friend than his friend. Then I realised that something was not quite the same when he (not her) kept calling to find out when I was moving back in their territory and complaining that he ( not they) is not hearing from me and I don't return his calls. Then when he sees me he is commending me etc as I mentioned before. In the past if I called their place it would be to speak to her and then he would come on the phone after to talk. So I pulled away over a year ago. Thought that would be the best thing to do and forgot about them and that. So now I have moved back in their area and we go to the same limes etc, through mutual friends so that's the only way I see them. I have not spent time with them as a couple for a long long time now. I have absolutely no interest in him or the "attention" he is giving me. As a matter of fact I either completely ignore him avoid "them" or roll my eyes and suck my teeth when he does stuff like that. I agree with you that maybe I should tell him to keep it in check and focus on his wife but that is easier said than done. I have realised that I must have caused her some pain which is why she is acting this way. So in order to deal with it I have to cut off any friendship with him and reassure here somehow. Just not sure how to do it because already he is acting as though I am treating him badly and I am only just ignoring him at present. I was thinking maybe I should just avoid them and let the situation ride itself out..like not go to the same limes or if I see them just say hi and bye, but maybe that's just me being a coward and not dealing with the situation. I just don't want to see her hurt anymore and everytime I think about it I feel to slap him silly for ruining our friendship. ( I do share some of the blame) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sequoia Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Because you do realise, don't you, this is bordering on an Emotional Affair? Yes I do realise that now, thanks Tara. Link to post Share on other sites
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