Friend gets her first boyfriend. Good for her?

[ForeverAwkward]

I think this is more of a vent, but any advice would be great. This might get a little long.

 

One of my really close friends got her first boyfriend, a guy that she had been hanging out with (as friends) for a couple months, and she always told me that this was someone that she shouldn't be involved with romantically. Turns out, he asked her to be his girlfriend a month ago, but she didn't tell me this until a last week, saying its because she embarrassed that she's with someone that she shouldn't be involved with (not a good sign, I know). She says the only ones who know of the relationship are me, her parents, and one other friend of hers, but is pretty secretive about it with everyone else.

 

She said she thought I'd be mad at her for not telling me this sooner, but I cut her some slack because this is new for her, and said she could come to me for advice anytime if she needed it. Well, she's asked for advice, and I've given it, but lately she's been, "too tired," to hang out, and she's never ever used that excuse on me before. I know she really just wants to spend time with her new boyfriend, understandable. But is it wrong for me to be a little peeved that she wont just come right out and say it? Especially now that she told me about the relationship?

 

And to make this a little complicated, me and this friend have really helped each other out with our guy issues. I like this former male coworker of mine and right now, I'm kind of pursuing a friendship with him, since we're both pretty shy and socially awkward, and my friend has always been there for me to give advice and listen if I needed to vent. Meanwhile, I've been there for my friend when she had problems dealing with her now-boyfriend's family, and also (surprisingly) when she wanted advice on making it clear to him that she only wanted to be friends. The guy from my situation is currently still out of town for the holidays, and I was planning on calling him when gets back long before I found out that my friend had gotten into this relationship, but for some reason, I feel like when I do call him, I'm doing it because I'm competing with her, even though I think I genuinely like this guy.

 

I'm actually very upset with this situation, and I have no idea if I'm angry because of jealousy, or her not listening to advice I gave her for probably a good 4 months, or simply her not having wanting to hang out with her friends anymore (and using the, "too tired," excuse. Seriously, I'm not stupid). I want to call her out on it, but I have no idea why I'm so upset. Ideas? Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be great.

[Ronni_W]

As you say, she's new to all of this.

Maybe she's afraid that you'll feel hurt or "abandoned" or whatever, if she tells you that she wants to hang with her new b/f? (I wouldn't guess that she's using "too tired" because she thinks that you're stupid.)

I want to call her out on it, but I have no idea why I'm so upset. Ideas? Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be great.

Perhaps you'd consider being a bit more honest with her, about your own feelings? (Using "I statements" so that it doesn't go across that you're accusing or trying to guilt her.)

 

Express that you're happy for her if she's happy for herself; that you totally understand 'first love' and those desires to want to spend every waking moment together; that you don't/won't feel hurt or "abandoned" just because she is meeting her individual needs, desires and goals around other areas of her life. Then you could say that, in your experience, it is ALSO the time for "girlfriends" to maintain strong bonds and support -- but you get that it's going to look different between you two now that she's got a b/f.

 

Let her know you miss her company and her wise counsel, and would hate to lose that. And ask what will work for her, in terms of getting together and nurturing the excellent relationship that you've worked together to create. Tell her that you want to be there for her AS WELL AS want your people to be there for you...you need to feel that you're still able to count on and connect with her, too.

 

That is, be clear about what YOU need in order to feel supported, appreciated, loved, etc., but in a way that is least likely to go across as an "attack" on how she's doing things now. Perhaps suggest a standing monthly "just us" brunch, lunch or dinner; with maybe an afternoon or evening every two or three months.

 

Hopefully you'd like to get to know her guy better...if so, you could also express an interest in that, and ask if/how she thinks that can happen.

 

Best of luck. It sounds as if you're the more experienced of the two of you, when it comes to dating, boyfriends, etc. Unfortunately, that also does mean that it's more on you to guide the both of you through this phase of your relationship.

Edited December 31, 2009 by Ronni_W

[Pacino]

First time poster

 

Sounds like some jealousy on your part. You realize that, it seems, which is good, and it's natural, but its all about how you handle it.

 

Fact is, she has a boyfriend, and may end up having less time to spend with you. This too is natural, and it happens. Be happy for her, hang out when you can, and maybe try finding other things to do in your spare time.

 

Easier said than done, I'm sure, but hey, life is like that sometimes.