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Can you explain why I'm pissed off with this guy?


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Old 30th December 2009, 10:47 PM   #1
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Can you explain why I'm pissed off with this guy?

There is this guy that I know from my dancing school. I went out with him a couple of times to go dancing and I thought it was clear that I was only interested in dancing and nothing else. For example, he told me that he had gone out with one of the girls for dancing and after that she sort of ignored him. I asked him if he had tried to hit on her and he said no. My unwritten message was that going out with someone to dance is not the same as having a date and does not imply anything beyond dancing (yes, I think, this was a very clear message).

A while ago I also mentioned to him this guy that I like. Nevertheless, I'm starting to have the feeling that he's not getting it. I find him calling too much, wanting to dance with me too much (the other day, we went to this party together, more or less, I would have also gone there without him since I knew that other people from my dancing school would be there). I sort of had to sneak away. If he's not dancing with me, he's always standing there, looking and I'm starting to be a bit angry about that. He's a good dancer, but quite overweight and I just found out that he sometimes will get turned down, which is quite rude. This is also a reason why I do not want to dance with him all the time or do certain moves. I'm also somewhat irritated that he wanted me to do this Bachata workshop with him. There's this huge belly between us and I do not want to dance that close with someone and having this belly in front of me. I'm barely 5' 2", he's much taller than me.

Anyway, from my point of view, I consider this friendship to be quite platonic. I don't want him to expect that I will be attracted to him.

Tonight we both were at the same Salsa party. I was wearing a top that was nice and looked good on me. He looks me up and down and I knew that he thought I looked good and I'm getting this strong reaction - I'm getting pissed off. I'm like, "What?" He says I look really good.

Can someone explain to me why I have this strong reaction and whether it's justified?
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Old 30th December 2009, 11:26 PM   #2
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You're getting angry beacuse you are FEELING stressed.

You are feeling stressed because he is making you feel uncomfortable....



.... and you are feeling uncomfortable beacuse you are not taking control of your own life. It's probably because you were raised to be a "nice girl" as was I, and you feel pressure to not hurt anyone elses feelings.

Best to speak up, the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You can't control how he feels in the end.

Good luck !
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Old 31st December 2009, 3:39 AM   #3
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You're right. I've actually started cutting off contact with people when I suspected that they wanted more, because I didn't want to waste my time anymore. In this case, I should have known right from the start that this was a mistake. I thought I had made it clear to him where I was standing, but that's the last time I made this mistake. People are too stupid or do not want to understand my hints. I'm so upset, that I slept badly and woke up after four hours. And also because of someone else... Anyway, enough is enough. And if he wants to be more attractive to more potential dance partners, he should lose weight or deal with the fact that women who want overweight dance partners/romantic partners are fewer. But that's his problem.

Thanks for your help!
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Old 31st December 2009, 10:21 AM   #4
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What would have been a better reaction when he looked me up and down? I felt a sudden flash of extreme irritation. I have to say that I'm a very bad-tempered person and I'm trying to take control of it, but I'm not sure how.
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Old 31st December 2009, 10:40 AM   #5
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Why don't you just decline to dance with him. Also talk about a "boyfriend" to let him know you are not available. Be polite and move on when he approaches you. It seems pretty simple to me.
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Old 31st December 2009, 10:56 AM   #6
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Why don't you just decline to dance with him. Also talk about a "boyfriend" to let him know you are not available. Be polite and move on when he approaches you. It seems pretty simple to me.
But I've already mentioned that I'm interested in someone else and he knows that I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pissed off, because I've dropped a f*cking hint and he's obviously choosing to ignore it deliberately. I should have known better, I should not cut guys that much slack from the beginning.
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Old 31st December 2009, 11:12 AM   #7
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Well if you have dropped hints, then you have no other choice but to be "rude" and "abrupt" with him. This is the only way to keep him away from you. Unforturnately some guys refuse to take a hint and may think you are just playing hard to get. Let him know that you are definitely not interested in him but are pursuing someone else.
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Old 31st December 2009, 2:30 PM   #8
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But I've already mentioned that I'm interested in someone else and he knows that I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pissed off, because I've dropped a f*cking hint and he's obviously choosing to ignore it deliberately. I should have known better, I should not cut guys that much slack from the beginning.
Here's some advice. STOP DROPPING HINTS!!!

Guys do not speak in hints, or hintanese, only girls do. Be direct, forward and honest with him. Anything less, it's your fault if he doesn't get your hints because you are not speaking his language. Believe me, as a guy he's lost his hintanese Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and decoder chart a long time ago.

You might think your are being clear by your hints but to him you may just be playing a game. Or, your hints are not exactly that clear to him. Remember, they are just hints. So cut that crap out! Just tell him exactly what you want to tell him, and don't cover it so full of BS that the truth gets lost.
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Last edited by WTRanger; 31st December 2009 at 2:33 PM..
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Old 31st December 2009, 2:51 PM   #9
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Here's some advice. STOP DROPPING HINTS!!!

Guys do not speak in hints, or hintanese, only girls do. Be direct, forward and honest with him. Anything less, it's your fault if he doesn't get your hints because you are not speaking his language. Believe me, as a guy he's lost his hintanese Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and decoder chart a long time ago.

You might think your are being clear by your hints but to him you may just be playing a game. Or, your hints are not exactly that clear to him. Remember, they are just hints. So cut that crap out! Just tell him exactly what you want to tell him, and don't cover it so full of BS that the truth gets lost.
I'm telling him that I like someone else and it's not clear enough to that I'm not interested in him?
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Old 31st December 2009, 3:36 PM   #10
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Guys don't take hints. If we understood subtlety we'd have an easier time getting girls in the first place.

Stop going to the dances with him. If he tries to go together just say "Oh I'll just see you there." When he stands next to you, walk off and ask someone to dance. Ignore calls and only call him when you actually want to see him.

It sounds a bit rude but it will send the message you want. I refuse dances sometimes by saying "I'm resting," or "actually I was going to the bathroom," or what have you.

The first step is to just stop spending time with him. I've had female friends start to act as if they want more and it is uncomfortable if I don't feel the same. You have to put some distance between you two.
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Old 31st December 2009, 3:46 PM   #11
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I'm telling him that I like someone else and it's not clear enough to that I'm not interested in him?
Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

No hints, no subtly, no BS.
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Old 31st December 2009, 3:50 PM   #12
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Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

No hints, no subtly, no BS.
That's an awkward conversation to have and will make things awkward. You don't know what the dancing scene is like. I agree that it will send the message clearly but we don't want bad energy in a small dance scene.

I say you just stop dancing with him, except maybe one per night and that's it. If he asks, just say "no thank you" and don't let him insist. Say your feet hurt, you don't want to right now, you promised a dance to someone else, you're going to the bathroom, etc. Then walk away.

And STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM.
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Old 31st December 2009, 7:50 PM   #13
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That's an awkward conversation to have and will make things awkward. You don't know what the dancing scene is like. I agree that it will send the message clearly but we don't want bad energy in a small dance scene.

I say you just stop dancing with him, except maybe one per night and that's it. If he asks, just say "no thank you" and don't let him insist. Say your feet hurt, you don't want to right now, you promised a dance to someone else, you're going to the bathroom, etc. Then walk away.

And STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM.
For the moment, I'm also going to vote for doing nothing. I have told people in the past that I did not believe in friendship between men and women and that I did not want further contact with them, but these were people I would not run the risk of ever seeing again. This is indeed a small scene (and I'm glad that there is another Salsa dancer here to give advice, far away from where I live ).

By the way, I got stood up by my Salsa teachers on New Year's eve. At least, I partied enough yesterday to be a too tired to be overly upset about this now.
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Old 31st December 2009, 8:06 PM   #14
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Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

No hints, no subtly, no BS.
I would just like to clarify that I'm not that much into BS and that I wasn't intentionally leading him on, but it's also not necessarily a subject where I feel that the direct approach is the best one. Men are quite often very willing to believe that women are leading them on, but believe me, more often than not, they don't want to hear the truth and will refuse to accept it. I don't like to cause people pain and I do usually make an honest effort to be nice and respectful and I have their best in mind, but it seems men will then conclude that you are weak. That is until you let out your inner bitch and then they complain. These little darlings...
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Old 1st January 2010, 2:53 PM   #15
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For the moment, I'm also going to vote for doing nothing. I have told people in the past that I did not believe in friendship between men and women and that I did not want further contact with them, but these were people I would not run the risk of ever seeing again. This is indeed a small scene (and I'm glad that there is another Salsa dancer here to give advice, far away from where I live ).

By the way, I got stood up by my Salsa teachers on New Year's eve. At least, I partied enough yesterday to be a too tired to be overly upset about this now.
Aww, sorry to hear that! Yeah I'm glad I have direct contextual experience form which to advise, lol. That's gonna come in handy every now and then.
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