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Do I have a fat head? How can I stop the obsession of one friend?


Not the love ace

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Not the love ace

This is a two part Q&A if you want to call it that. I'll try and shorten it as much as possible, thanks for reading in advance.

 

So for the the first question: I have a friend who I've known now going on 11 years. When we were kids (around 12-13) we hung out and were close and even through out our teenage years. However, he is 24 years old but acts like he's going on 13. He's always been a very immature guy ever since we were little but he's more so now that he's older. On top of that, I honestly don't like hanging out with him much nowadays because he just bores me and I feel like I'm hanging with a little kid. On top of that, I can tell he is envious of me about certain things and always gets negative.

 

I don't mean to sound conceited but you can tell when someone is envious. I never try to make him envious or rub anything in his face but that's how he is. I believe its because he doesn't have a high school diploma or even a GED and isn't where he wants to be in life. Where area's I have set out and at least accomplished some of my goals. I always support him but he is always indirectly negative. Plus, he's a big time follower and tries to impress people by taking drugs and he hangs out with people who aren't the most positive.

 

I've tried to motivate him to do better but he simply doesn't act on it. I've just grown tired of him personally and the last few times I've hung out with him, I've felt negative and depressed. If I hang out with him in a group of other friends, its not a problem, just him alone is a downer. So I basically decided that its best that I do what I continued to do and hang out with him much less.

 

I'll always be his friend because I've known him for so long and he isn't the worst person. However, he's just too negative for me and I need to limit my time I hangout with him. I've tried to be positive with him but I give up. Is this a wrong thing?

 

Part 2: I've had a friend who I have had up and downs with the past few months. She is in love with me and at times couldn't handle being my friend because she was "too in love". This happened 3 times and every time she stopped being my friend she bad mouth me. I was always very patient but I had enough of her BS. So to make a long story short I was on hiatus in Minnesota for a month and when she heard from me she was excited, which was nice. However, I heard that she asked for me constantly and when I came back she got mad at me because I told her I might move there and for I told her I rather not say why when she asked me why I was moving there (for personal reasons, I don't like to elaborate on something till it happens and she knows this). So she felt like she was owed an answer and started rambling about having an equal relationship and said she couldn't handle me.

 

It got so annoying, that she told me she was got me a present and I told her to keep it and I don't want it. I know that was really mean but its come to the point where I NEED her to understand that I can't take her compulsive obsession of me and its really driving me crazy and is going to destroy our relationship. I know that refusing a present isn't the best thing but I just really don't want anything from her or anything to do with her at this point.

 

The one thing that worries me is that this can tear me away from the social circle since our friends seem to only understand her, and take her side. However, I'm really annoyed by her and at this point don't care about bending over backwards for her feelings or their thoughts. At the same time, I need them to really understand my side if they are going to understand hers.

 

What should I do with this girl?

 

 

Thank you.

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I've tried to be positive with him but I give up. Is this a wrong thing?

 

No, it's perfectly normal -- not inevitable, but normal -- for your life to turn in a completely different direction from that of your childhood friends, or high school buddies. You can't expect to turn their lives in the same direction as yours, or give them the same outlook or dreams or plans.

 

Of course, if you move to Minnesota (presuming that's far away), you'll be in a whole new social world, and these questions will answer themselves.

 

Otherwise, or meanwhile, it sounds like you're on the right track with your sometime-friend: just quietly wind down the friendship. Don't feel too guilty about it -- he's likely to land with people that are running along the same track and be happier for it, because it sounds like he's sensing that you're leaving him behind.

 

As for your wanna-be-gf friend: all you can do is not encourage her, with whatever delicacy you can manage and whatever clarity is required to get your message across: "no."

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  • 2 weeks later...
blueyedgrl85

Regarding your first question: You're being a great friend by trying to encourage and motivate your friend, but only he can improve his situation and change himself. The reason why you're feeling so negative and depressed is that your friend is very emotionally draining. You've done your part in trying to uplift him; the rest is up to him. Friendship is also a two-way street- you seem to be the only one putting in any effort. It's time to move on. See him in a group setting since it is more comfortable, but meet other like-minded people like yourself. Friends should be there to lift us up and be proud of our accomplishments- never jealous. In short, you deserve much, much better friends.

 

For the second question: If you're not interested in her, try to let her down gently. If your group of friends only side with her, then again, it's time to move on to better friends. You can try and proclaim your side all you want, but sadly they may not hear it. Over time they'll learn about the girl and figure it out, but for now it's best to just move on with your life.

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whichwayisup

You CANNOT be friends with someone who is inlove with you and you don't love them back the same way. It just sucks and it's unfair, to both of you. She has no will power, no strength, and any time she spends with you, talking to you, being with you, is only making her feelings grow stronger, hense her obsession/emotions out of control.

 

You just need to be honest and tell her goodbye, that the friendship has to end because it's doing damage to her. Don't tell her that she's pissing you off or you're frustrated.. She's going to be hurting enough as it is.

 

Wish her well, give her a hug, tell her you're going to miss her, but life goes on. (seems that's my new expression of 2010..Life goes on.)

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