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My supposed friend


curiousnycgirl

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curiousnycgirl

ugh where to begin?!

 

This woman and I became fast friends in the past 6 months. We've shared lots of laughs, hung out together, etc. In fact she's the one who got me to see how poorly my b/f had been treating me - ultimately convinced me to break up with him.

 

She's had some health issues - and at the moment is stuck home trying to recuperate - and is texting me that she misses me, wants me to come over etc. To tell the truth I'm just not in the mood!

 

I cry at the drop of a pin - most specifically when she and I speak - I spontaneously start crying over my break up. So why do I have to be the one to be there for everyone?! Why can't I just be allowed to hide in my cave?

 

On top of that she smokes and at the moment that hurts me when I breath. It might be in my head, but it is still there - so why?

 

Now she's angry with me because yet again I burst into tears. So she said fine she won't call anymore. You know - I'm sort of ok with that.

 

Does this make me a horrible person?

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Compos_Mentis

It does not make you a horrible person, no. It does not make you good, either.

 

Yes, everyone from time to time, for whatever reason, be it a break up, a death of a family member, or an illness discovered that will end one's life soon, requires time to "hide in the cave".

 

It is not however, a reason to be obnoxious. You are being emotional now, of course, and that is normal. Overly sensitive, hence all the crying.

 

What I might suggest is you try and communicate. Call up this friend of yours, take a deep breath in, and explain the whole situation. Tell her, "I am going through a rough time, and I need some time alone. I am sorry, I know you're sick, and most probably bored, and I want to be there for you - but I just need to be alone for a while. I'll contact you again when I am better, and please, don't ask me about it when I am, not to urge all those feelings up again. I love you, and hope you'll feel better."

 

Or something of that sort. If she is indeed a good friend, she will understand. You might also suggest she will temporarily hang out with somebody else, but make sure do it in as calmly as possible, with a smile on your face (smiling helps improve mood - it's a proven fact).

 

As a sidenote: I want you to consider whether or not you REALLY want to be left alone. Depending on your personality (which I cannot tell via your nickname) - you might actually prefer some company during time of depression of mood. Make sure you DO want to be alone, and make sure you're fully relaxed and soothed before making that decision.

 

Most importantly: get your emotions under control. It was really obvious to me that you wrote that request above during a time of apex in emotional instability. Although understandable, it is not attractive, efficient, or useful to either you or anybody else.

 

Get them under control, relax, and work on yourself, instead of overthinking about that breaking up.

 

Good luck, you need it, been there, just as anyone else before,

 

Hope I helped,

 

Dan.

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curiousnycgirl

Dan -

 

I appreciate your input, but it is clear you haven't read any of my other posts - so while some of what you said is true - I believe much does not really apply to me.

 

Yes I was in a very crabby mood when I posted that - and in tears. I am better now.

 

I have tried to call her, she no longer answers when I do - her choice

 

All the best,

CNYCG

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While you have every right to want to be alone, you should communicate this with her instead of blaming her for being ill. She can't help it and I'm sure she'd want to be there for you too. Just because she's bored at home doesn't mean she can't be a good ear. As far as the smoking thing, perhaps you could ask her not to smoke around you as it hurts your head? And if you really just don't feel like coming over because you want to be alone, tell her....don't assume she should know. She's not psychic!

 

I don't know if I'm missing something here, but I don't see what she's done that so terrible except listen to your problems? If you seem to be ignoring her, she has every right to feel hurt.

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curiousnycgirl

I am sorry you are both right, I was not clear during my original post. I was very upset at the time.

 

This friend wants me to come over because I am the only person she can laugh and be silly with. Frankly I don't feel like laughing and being silly.

 

Also she is not really sick, she broke her leg, refuses to use crutches and therefore has announced she is stuck.

 

Additionally I specifically asked her not to tell a particular person that my ex and I had broken up, because frankly I didn't want to discuss it. She decided that because I told some of my friends, that it was ok for her to tell that person (who then proceeded to call me and tell me how she knew it all along, etc)

 

And her approach - she doesn't call and say how you doing, want to come for dinner? She leaves me messages saying she misses her friend and wants me to come over.

 

Oh and one night I had said hey your husband has a business obligation - let me bring over Chinese, when I called to let her know when I was coming, she yelled at me that she didn't want me to come. Fine I tossed the food in the trash!

 

Then there is the fact that she frequently does not call when she says she will.

 

Finally all the stuff that I had been annoyed with before this happened - truth is she would never come to my house, she always wanted me to come to hers. Well the reality is I am out all day - she is home all day. My cat is all alone all day - her dogs both have her all day, and are welcome in my house. But if I suggest she brings the dogs over, she'll agree, so I'll start preparing dinner, then she doesn't call, or if she does says she got home and decided she's not going back out.

 

I'm just tired. Crankly and not feeling well

 

As I pointed out above, I am also dealing with a health issue - the break up - and every other stinking thing - so I just wanted her to cut me some slack. But she didn't, clearly couldn't and now the point is moot because she's gone NC on my butt.

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As I pointed out above, I am also dealing with a health issue - the break up -

 

Um. I don't know if you meant to equate your breakup with a serious health issue, so maybe I'm getting a little hinky over bad phrasing.

 

That said... I can't actually stand for much longer than thirty minutes, and really, compared to the hell my brain put me through for fourteen years, that's a walk in the park. Your breakup? Not a health issue, and if it's hurting you that much, maybe you need to gain some perspective with the help of a professional.

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Um. I don't know if you meant to equate your breakup with a serious health issue, so maybe I'm getting a little hinky over bad phrasing.

 

That said... I can't actually stand for much longer than thirty minutes, and really, compared to the hell my brain put me through for fourteen years, that's a walk in the park. Your breakup? Not a health issue, and if it's hurting you that much, maybe you need to gain some perspective with the help of a professional.

 

fo' real. I have lupus, a serious health issue, I deal with everyday. And oddly enough, I've survived break-ups while simultaneously having lupus! And I can tell you...having lupus is always worse.

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curiousnycgirl

OK guys - clearly you have absolutely zero respect for me, however let me point out that I never said a serious health issue. Not did I at any point indicate that my break up was a health issue.

 

I did however indicate that the original responder to my post had clearly not read any of my other recent posts, nor have you two - you would rather just imply that I'm an self centered idiot.

 

To make it easier, I will post the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212946/ while not life threatening per se - I have been in the hospital 2X this week because I was unable to breathe and passed out - once during diagnostics at my doctor's office and once in physical therapy.

 

I agreed I was being whiny and I agreed I had been unclear. I thank you both very much for your support. Take care and all the best.

Edited by curiousnycgirl
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I'm sorry you are dealing with that health issue. I read it as "I am dealing with a serious health issue-the break-up"....when you hyphenate like that it implies that's what you meant you were dealing with. I had no background info to go on, only this! I apologize. I am sorry you are dealing with it.

 

However, I still don't see what this friend did wrong! I agree with Dan, just talk to her about it and suggest she hang out with someone else. Or maybe it is a good idea to get silly with her to forget about it for while. Like suggested, she is probably not a good friend if she can't accept that you need to be by yourself or ask her to please not smoke around you, but from what I gather it seems like she would listen.

 

I am especially sensitive because a lot of people see chronic health conditions as a burden on them because of their social consequences, when the person it affects most is the person who has it....so I was angry that you would act like her being ill is putting on you.

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curiousnycgirl
I am especially sensitive because a lot of people see chronic health conditions as a burden on them because of their social consequences, when the person it affects most is the person who has it....so I was angry that you would act like her being ill is putting on you.

 

She's got a broken leg - NOT a chronic condition. She CHOOSES not to use crutches because it hurts her arms.

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curiousnycgirl
However, I still don't see what this friend did wrong! I agree with Dan, just talk to her about it and suggest she hang out with someone else. Or maybe it is a good idea to get silly with her to forget about it for while. Like suggested, she is probably not a good friend if she can't accept that you need to be by yourself or ask her to please not smoke around you, but from what I gather it seems like she would listen..

 

And she probably doesn't know what she did wrong either, and frankly that is probably because neither of you know me. You have an excuse, we've never met. She doesn't have that excuse - fact is she has not bothered to get to know me.

 

So while I have not been clear in this post, and should have chosen to delete it vs. elaborating further - we'll call it a stalemate and be done.

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Maybe there is a problem with your house - untidy, smells funny (many cat people don't realize that their litter boxes stink and the house smells like cat pee), uncomfortable lay-out, small spaces, bad lay-out for entertaining or relaxing - and she prefers her house to hang out in.

 

As for her choosing not to use crutches, I can't use crutches either. They killed my underarms and arms, and for the time that I was on them, I pretty much confined myself to the house unless I really had to go out.

 

You are a bit defensive here, when it really doesn't look like your friend has done much wrong? I know that you are going through a bad breakup, but that's when I find close friends to be really invaluable, you know?

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curiousnycgirl

I think you are all right about my defensiveness - I will not accept there is something wrong with my house - but I know you were just throwing that out there.

 

And I agree with everyone I do need my good friends, and frankly she's not one of them, we haven't known eachother long enough!

 

So for once in my life I am going to continue to be selfish. Not that it matters, this supposed friend has not picked up the phone - so that's done regardless.

 

Thanks all -

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Wow - you sure do pick up friends and drop them in a hurry. Glad you didn't care about her as much as she seemed to care about you.

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This woman and I became fast friends in the past 6 months. We've shared lots of laughs, hung out together, etc. In fact she's the one who got me to see how poorly my b/f had been treating me - ultimately convinced me to break up with him.

 

So she has helped support you though difficult times.

 

 

She's had some health issues - and at the moment is stuck home trying to recuperate - and is texting me that she misses me, wants me to come over etc.

 

 

And now she is having a tough time and would like some support.

 

 

 

To tell the truth I'm just not in the mood!

 

I cry at the drop of a pin - most specifically when she and I speak - I spontaneously start crying over my break up. So why do I have to be the one to be there for everyone?! Why can't I just be allowed to hide in my cave?

 

But you don't want to know and still want all the support for yourself.

 

 

Now she's angry with me because yet again I burst into tears. So she said fine she won't call anymore. You know - I'm sort of ok with that.

 

Does this make me a horrible person?

 

 

Horrible? I wouldn't say that - you have been having problems of your own. But selfish? Yes.

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curiousnycgirl
Wow - you sure do pick up friends and drop them in a hurry. Glad you didn't care about her as much as she seemed to care about you.

 

Ok where did I indicate that she cared about me? I didn't really get into it at all. I said we hung out together, shared a lot of laughs. I said she is the one who got me to see how poorly my boyfriend was treating me. Sorry but I do not consider that to necessarily be a good friend. That is someone who is still an acquaintance, someone I am getting to know and who is getting to know me.

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she is the one who got me to see how poorly my boyfriend was treating me

 

Great..

 

She got you to break up with your bf and now she is not talking to you.

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curiousnycgirl
So she has helped support you though difficult times.

 

Actually I don't agree with this - to some degree, she created the difficult time, and then did the EXACT opposite of supporting me. At what point did I indicate that she has been supportive?

 

 

And now she is having a tough time and would like some support.

 

Obviously I'm not being clear - she's not asking me for support, she's asking me to drop everything and come over to make her laugh. She's got a broken leg. To be honest she is very fortunate that she does not have to work for a living - so she CAN sit around getting bored. I got out of the hospital after my lung collapsed, and had to get into the office for an important meeting. Her response was well if you can do that, you can come over here. So I did, brought her and her husband dinner, and then she began to smoke (did I mention a collapsed lung?) - and when I said I needed to go, that I was tired and the smoke was bothering me - she gave me a rash of sh*t for not staying and chit chatting

 

 

But you don't want to know and still want all the support for yourself.

 

Nope I'm actually not looking for any support - where did I say I was looking for that?

 

 

Horrible? I wouldn't say that - you have been having problems of your own. But selfish? Yes.

 

Very interesting - she wants me to come over every day to feed and amuse her (despite my own responsibilities and desires) and I'm the one who is selfish. Yes I need some me time to myself, and I need to take care of my own home and I need to work (amazing how those 12 to 15 hours each day get in the way of my entertaining her)

 

 

Reality is I have never been accused of the stuff you people are projecting onto me here. You are reading into my post mercilessly, just wondering what the value is in that. Perhaps it just makes you folks feel better?

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Oh,

 

And sounds like you are a magnet for selfish people.

 

Like your exbf or this friend, who is willing to drop you just like that because of her expectations.

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curiousnycgirl

Interesting point Ariadne - perhaps these people have just been accustomed to my previous behavior - I have always bent over backwards to accomodate others. I've been accused of being generous to a fault.

 

Clearly I've had a hand in creating this - and equally clearly I need to figure out how to fix it.

 

Thank you very much - gives me food for thought.

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Interesting point Ariadne - perhaps these people have just been accustomed to my previous behavior - I have always bent over backwards to accomodate others. I've been accused of being generous to a fault.

 

Clearly I've had a hand in creating this - and equally clearly I need to figure out how to fix it.

 

Thank you very much - gives me food for thought.

 

Well,

 

I'd be your friend. You seem pretty cool to me.

 

Too bad about this friend, when people are sick like that they may get cranky and overreact to things.

 

Who knows, good luck with all this stuff. It's a bunch.

 

Hugs.

 

Ps: And yeah, you can get to be home all you want and you don't have to pay for it.

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Reality is I have never been accused of the stuff you people are projecting onto me here. You are reading into my post mercilessly, just wondering what the value is in that. Perhaps it just makes you folks feel better?

 

 

You asked a question and I answered. It was not about making me feel better, it was about trying to help you. Does it not strike you as odd that a few of us have come to similar conclusions about these events based on your posts in this thread.

 

As for some of the points you have raised in response to my post:

 

- I assumed that if this friend had helped you decide to end your relationship with your boyfriend then you were close and she had supported you. The fact that you say you are not close surprises me - you must surely have confided in her to enable her assistance in your decision.

 

- I did not get the impression she was asking you to drop everything, be at her beck and call etc. The impression I had was that she wanted to see her friend.

 

- You make it sound as if a broken leg is not a big deal. She will be in pain and will be struggling to do things - she does need help at a time like this.

 

- You were unclear on the nature of your health problems in this thread. I am not the only posted on this thread who read your post as health problem = splitting up with boyfriend. I have not read your other threads on this subject. I base my post on the information you provided in this thread.

 

- Looking for support? The impression I had was that she had supported you re your boyfriend and that she was now looking to you for support. You seemed to be complaining about that and asking why was it that everybody turned to you. Based on your posts in this thread, she had supported you and not vice versa. It felt like you were looking for sympathy from other posters.

 

- Projecting? Oh please! Don't think so.

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curiousnycgirl
You asked a question and I answered. It was not about making me feel better, it was about trying to help you. Does it not strike you as odd that a few of us have come to similar conclusions about these events based on your posts in this thread. I have already admitted that I was not as clear as I should have been and was just whiney.

As for some of the points you have raised in response to my post:

 

- I assumed that if this friend had helped you decide to end your relationship with your boyfriend then you were close and she had supported you. Based on precisely what phrase did you assume that? The fact that you say you are not close surprises me - you must surely have confided in her to enable her assistance in your decision. Bad assumption - she based her inputs to me purely on what she saw with her own eyes and frankly stuck her nose in without solicitiation. She would yell at me when I defended him. I DID NOT complain to her about him - however I did acknowledge that her inputs were not invalid. She had a fresh set of eyes, as she had only seen us together for the past 6 months or so. While most of my friends were concerned that my relationship was going down, she had never seen it when it was good - so her impression was that my ex was abusive (which I do not agree) and she could not understand why we were together since it was clear to her that he hated me. Those inputs made me take a serious look at my relationship, question my b/f and when his responses were not good, I ended it.

 

- I did not get the impression she was asking you to drop everything, be at her beck and call etc. The impression I had was that she wanted to see her friend. Interesting interpretation - but you missed the parts where I had been visiting her.

 

- You make it sound as if a broken leg is not a big deal. She will be in pain and will be struggling to do things - she does need help at a time like this. I have broken both of my legs, and shattered my pelvis among many other injuries, I am well aware of the pain levels involved. I'll say it again - she is fortunate that she can stay home and get bored while recuperating, most of us have to work.

- You were unclear on the nature of your health problems in this thread. I am not the only posted on this thread who read your post as health problem = splitting up with boyfriend. I have not read your other threads on this subject. I base my post on the information you provided in this thread. Already responded to this

 

- Looking for support? The impression I had was that she had supported you re your boyfriend Precisely where did you get thaq impression? Because it is untrue and not even possible - she broke her leg before I broke up with my boyfriend. and that she was now looking to you for support. You seemed to be complaining about that and asking why was it that everybody turned to you. Based on your posts in this thread, she had supported you and not vice versa. It felt like you were looking for sympathy from other posters.

 

- Projecting? Oh please! Don't think so.

I'll agree to disagree

Edited by curiousnycgirl
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