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I just don't understand friends???


jessicakicksbut

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jessicakicksbut

I think I just need to vent now...Why does it seem that my friends are never "truly" happy for me, and can not accept the fact that I am different than most people (or at least them)! I just talked to one of my friends for a while tonight in order to make plans to get together later in the week. I asked her about her weekend, and she told me she went out and had a horrible time Friday night. When I asked her why, and she told me the band she went to see was lousy and played very heavy, modern rock. I made the comment that there must have been a lot of younger adults out due to that type of music. She said no, then proceeded to say "how do you know, you never go out, all you do is go to dinner, movies, and go shopping". Isn't doing those things going out, I asked. Then she hit me with, "no, you never do anything anymore."

 

What, just because I don't go out to the bars, or like to go drinking, I guess I am just a "boring" person. The hand-full of times I went out with her to bars/clubs, I didn't feel comfortable at most the places I went, and those I did like, she tells me they are "boring anymore"...go figure!

 

Besides this whole "going out" conversation, I also told her I got a new car, and as started explaining to her why I had to get a new car and what it was like, she cut me off with, "I went and test drove cars the other day, and I'm thinking about getting another one." She wouldn't even let me finish, so I didn't even bother trying.

 

I sense bitterness with her lately, I think she is aggrivated I won't go out with her on weekends. When I mean out, I mean "partying/ living it up/clubbing" type of out. It is just not my thing. Even when I was single, I preferred to gather with friends in a donut shop or rent a movie and stay in over going to some loud, crowded night club! Sorry, when I spend time with someone, I like to be able to actually talk to them, not have to scream to them when they are right next to me!

 

Just had to vent a little. Her words weren't as harsh as her intonation and implications thereof.

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I don't think some of your friends are very happy people. A person who is "happy" can be so doing just about anything, anywhere...with other people or alone. Your friends sound like they have been trained to depend on other things, other people, and other events outside of themselves to make them happy. That's really sad.

 

You've definitely got the right idea. The only thing you can do is either understand where your friends are coming from when they lodge these complaints or replace them with people who know the only real happiness there is in the world is that we create for ourselves. Happiness is not loud music and alcohol. Some of the most miserable people in the world go to those clubs to drown out their sorrows and depression. If you're truly happy, you really don't have to go anywhere to be just fine with the world.

 

I'm not sure you should inform your friends that they need to find happiness within themselves. They may not be ready for that information or even fully understand. After all, taking responsiblity for something like that for the first time is pretty scary. Rather, you should let them know if they are really your friends they will accept you for who you are and what you do...just like you do them.

 

It's amazing the number of people who depend on others to make them happy. I think you have truly found that YOU are the manufacturer of your happiness and that it's a choice that you make. You can be happy in any circumstance if you choose to make that so. Even in the most stressful of circumstances, such as unemployment and bills piling up, it takes much less energy to be happy and is far more productive than getting depressed so you are crippled and not able to do anything about it.

 

And I'm with you all the way as far as talking to people. I don't like to go places where I can't interact with friends. It's really hard to interact with friends where there are crowds, loud music, etc. As a matter of fact, I don't even take ladies to movies on the first few dates because I prefer talking and getting to know them. Sitting and watching a movie is something they really don't need me for and you learn nothing about the other person.

 

You can't control how your friends are or what they think. You won't change them until they realize for themselves how goofy they really are for the way they think. Just feel sorry for them that they have not yet arrived where you are in maturity. Believe it or not, many never do. They die and move off the planet actually thinking that it was other things and other people responsible for their happiness...instead of themselves.

 

A happy person has full control of their mind and they are happy regardless of the situation. An unhappy person will be angry for having to go all the way to the state capital to fill out paperwork and collect their money if they win $25 million in the lottery. Go figure!

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jessicakicksbut

Thanks Tony, your advice was on the money Tony, as usual! I really do feel bad for my friend, and have seen her make destructive choices in her life due to her lack of happiness. When I see her tommorrow, I may actually have a little talk with her about finding happiness within herself. Normally, I would not do so in fear that a person would not understand, but I know she will. Ironically, she works as a mental health conselor and helps others everyday, but that doesn't mean she does not need others to help her once in a while. Thank you once again, I'll keep you posted!

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jessicakicksbut

I talked to my friend about "finding happiness within herself". The way it went...not what I expected at least. Like I said earlier, she is a social worker/mental health counselor. With this in mind, I must say she knew exactly what I was referring to and agreed totally, but started using clinical terms and concepts to explain the "philosophy" surrounding it. I suspect that she may know and understand the concept, but will not apply it to her life at this point...oh well, at least I tried!

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JenKicksArse

I can sympathise with your friend, JKB. In fact, I am her. I love going out to bars and clubs and parties, while some of my friends have moved on to get engaged/married, or otherwise settle down such as focusing on their career 24/7. I don't think the fact that I have a social life which extends beyond mundane things like coffee and shopping is a source of insecurity or unhappiness -quite the opposite! I often get annoyed with my 20-something mates who are too lazy/narrow-minded/conservative to try something new or meet different people. But I respect that the bar scene is not for everyone, so I compromise and we'll do something like go out for dinner at a trendy restaurant. Despite our differences, my friends are very important to me.

 

As for talking to your friend about finding 'true happiness', it all sounds very patronising and judgemental to me. A lot of my (former) Christian friends were like this - they didn't understand my lifestyle choices so constantly had 'talks' to me about 'finding Christ/happiness/not burning in hell for eternity.' It didn't occur to them that I am actually having the time of my life. I often get irritated with my friends who refuse to come out for a drink but will happily sit in a mall for hours talking about nothing. I don't think that this means I 'depend on other things or people' for happiness; it simply means I enjoy more interactive surroundings. Get off your high horse, JKB, and appreciate that your friend is simply on a different level right now.

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jessicakicksbut
As for talking to your friend about finding 'true happiness', it all sounds very patronising and judgemental to me.

 

Of course you would find this concept to be "wrong" in your eyes, because apparently you have yet to find true happiness. You rely on others, and being around large crowds to fill your void.

 

I don't think the fact that I have a social life which extends beyond mundane things like coffee and shopping is a source of insecurity or unhappiness -quite the opposite!

 

There's nothing wrong with having a social life, but when one can not be happy in whatever he or she does, then they are truly not happy. As for going for coffee and shopping being mudane, I actually think it is wonderful because you can engage in stimulating conversation with the person you are accompanying. Why do you (and others who love the night life and partying), feel the constant need to partake in this intellectually, physically, mentally, and spiritually degrading form of EXCITEMENT.

 

 

I often get annoyed with my 20-something mates who are too lazy/narrow-minded/conservative to try something new or meet different people.

 

Since when is partying, going to bars, clubs, etc. "something new"? In actually, when you reach you mid-twenty's, most people would agree that they have "been there, done that". It gets boring, it does not stimulate one intellectually, physically, spiritually, or mentally, and there is nothing new about it. Also, they outgrow the entire scene all together when they finally get their life established, i.e. marriage children, careers, expanding the intellect, finding themselves, etc.

 

I don't think that this means I 'depend on other things or people' for happiness; it simply means I enjoy more interactive surroundings.

 

Interactive surroundings...hmmm, like loud music that you can not talk to another person over, or loud TV's blasting sport's games, or better yet, being crushed in between two people on a dance floor at an overcrowded club. Interactive surroundings, quite the contrary, when does one actually get a chance to interact between the music, screaming, and the crowds.

 

What are you going to do when the day comes you have no one to "hang-out" with. Everyone you know is married, busy with their jobs, or out grown the bar scene. Are you going to sit home and sulk? What if you had to move to a rural area, when there was no exciting night life, and the majority of the population is over 40. Think about it. My advice, get a life of your own instead of relying on others. Get some hobbies, such as art, poetry, literature, outdoor activities, sports, etc. before it is too late, and all you see is the dust left behind from your friends.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with what either of you two

like to do for fun. Like someone said earlier, friends grow apart.

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why are you people arguing? some go to coffee shops, some go to clubs - let everybody do what they like, and don't do what you don't like. the only situation that bothers me is when there's somebody who's never been to a club, and refuses to go - that's just silly, to my mind.

 

have fun!

-yes

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Some friends may envy you silently so that explains why they cut your conversations. Some got too big headed when they are successful and tend to compare what you have to what they don't and become bitter about what they don't have. Let them be. It's sad that these friends have missed the word "Appreciation" in life. They do not appreciate what they have but pine for what they don't have. Hence, they try to put people down with insensitive words. It is funny sometimes. For example, I have a friend who has a good auditing career, doctor husband, 0.5 carat diamond wedding ring, Rolex watch, designer-apartment, more accomplished than me but at one of our occasional gatherings, in front of her husband, she pointed to my blue sapphire ring and said, "Oh! see her ring...look what she has!" with an expression of unhidden jealousy. I was taken aback by her reaction and quickly explained that the ring was from my father and not my husband. (In case, she pressurized her husband to get her one as her husband is my long-time high school mate too). I can see her husband was not too happy. (don't know with her or with me for creating that material crave in his wife). Friends may grow apart because of such mere competitive side of human nature.

 

So, what can I do? It's either I stay away from this couple in future or if I do meet up with them, I shall wear minimum jewellery and not "brag" about the latest property you have or sorts! Otherwise, they may not sleep a wink after that! No matter what, I care 'cos they grew up with me during my younger days but are long-time friends who have grown in their ways...either I accept them the way they are or I lose them!

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jessicakicksbut

That is an excellent point you have Flower, and I have thought this way about my friends for the longest time. It's really sad if you think about it. I think of myself as basically being average...good job, slightly higher than average looks, a nice boyfriend/fiance, getting married this year, newer car, degrees, savings, etc. I don't think I am better than the next guy whatsoever, and I respect people for who they are and the morals they uphold, not what they have. But to some, the grass is always greener on the other side, whether they have a little or a lot. I had a friend say something really strange to me a few months back. It started when she asked me about my job, and at the time I felt as though I was suffering exhaustion from my job. I was complaining about my job, basically about the hours (7pm-7am), the stress, having to carry a pager, and how it is making me worn out. She flipped out, saying "You have it so good, you have no reason to bi**h. I don't even want to hear you". So, I shut-up, and realized that she is envious of what I have. She was not accpeting me for who I am inside, but begrudging me for what I have. I hate when people do that, I wish they can forget about what I have for two minutes, and accept me on a basis of my personality, views, and morals.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am so glad you wrote in because I often have experiences like yours.

 

My take on it is that most people (at least the ones I encounter!) are not into reciprocal relationships. Whether it's due to lack of happiness, maturity, narcissism, a sense of entitlement around being cared for and no awareness around CARING for others...

I dunno!

 

It sure is frustrating though! I used to think it was a problem with ME--was I boring? Was I not worth having my trials and tribulations discussed with as much interest and analysis as I myself offer others?

 

I decided that was BUNK! I deserve better. So do you. It's kinda like dating--you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one prince.

 

Don't settle, keep on keeping on--and I hear from others that one eventually DOES find the reciprocal, loving circle of friends. It just takes time.

 

:)

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I have a similar friend. Whenever I mention something good about my life, he'll say cool, and go right into his problems. Nothings ever right and he can't seem to find happiness. Its frustrating when i listen to him talk about his problems, and then when i go to talk about mine his replies are short and he seems distracted, like he just wants to go back talking about himself.

 

This is also the one friend that I can depend on no matter what. If I'm ever in a jam, I know he'll leave work, cancel plans do whatever he has to do to help me out. He's also the guy who no matter what would be up for doing something, no matter how random, and no matter how many times i've turned him down to join in one of his random ideas.

 

We both have our problems I guess, and I'll accept his friendship unconditionally.

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