The deterioration in this friendship is destroying my life.

[AlexanderT]

Hi everyone.

 

First, before I start explaining, I'd really appreciate it if those viewing this could just read this whole lot through. It's a long story but since this is getting to the point where it's taking over my life..I really need your help! Thanks.

 

The situation:

 

One year ago, I met a girl. We started out as being relatively good friends. I talked to her and she begun talking to me a lot over msn messenger and such. At parties we often got quite close. She usually seemed quite interested in me..until I brought it up. One day, after many many hints and signals, I asked her if anything meant more (the way she generally was with me, and different things she said). She said at first 'maybe' but she wasn't sure. So we agreed to try for something. At the same time, another guy was on the scene (my best friend) and he liked her aswell - and she was letting him have a chance at having her. After I got annoyed at this, often throwing a little bit of bad language at her etc, she told me she just wanted to be friends. I didn't take it well. I was very upset and resulted in getting upset and annoyed at her. However, time passed. We didn't speak for about 2 months at one point - until she finally said she missed me as a friend. So at this point, I took friendship as a last resort and I really wanted it. However, the whole thing repeated itself again. On holiday last summer, she got very close to me, feeling my arms, legs and everything! I was convinced that this meant something. It was the first time we'd seen each other for 2 months properly. But in the morning, i asked her, and she said it meant nothing and that she was drunk. I got frustrated once again.

 

Which brings us to today...... Through my frustration at her, and occasional verbal abuse (of which she also gave me some aswell, such as sendng me texts to get psychiatric help (when she was drunk)) etc, I've managed to get her saying to me that she doesn't want to be bothered with somone who annoys and insults her, and to this day it is the biggest thing I regret in the entire world. She won't talk to me. She won't speak to me anymore. I've cried so many times over this it's rediculous. I try to man up about it but tbh I feel like she was my first real love. I mean I'd never want anyone else except her in my life. I love her so dearly that I'd rather be friends with her than not have her at all in my life.

 

Guys...What do I do? I want to talk to her again Get things back to normal. Then again, is it finally time for me to erase her out of my life? Can someone please give me a detailed routine of how to get this girl out of my head, or get her to be the same as before with me?

 

Please

[WTRanger]

Hi everyone.

I love her so dearly that I'd rather be friends with her than not have her at all in my life.

Guys...What do I do? I want to talk to her again Get things back to normal. Then again, is it finally time for me to erase her out of my life? Can someone please give me a detailed routine of how to get this girl out of my head, or get her to be the same as before with me?

 

Please

 

Please see the bold quote. That is the WRONG thing to think. That is the worst possible situation you can put yourself in to. If you have feelings for her, then she cannot be your find. It is black and white, friends do not exist when feelings are involved.

 

You need to distance yourself from her. Its over buddy. Once a girl tells you she wants nothing to do with you, then it is high time you take a walk. Don't turn into a creepy stalker. Don't barrage her with texts, emails, etc. You will only look extremely weak in her eyes. Move on to a new girl. Show this one you do not need her in your life.

 

Learn from your mistakes. If you are annoyed, don't verbally abuse her. What did you think would happen? If you can't say anything but insults, then just don't say anything. Sure, it may feel validated to insult her. But after a few minutes pass, you always regret saying that. So why say it at all?

 

You let time pass for 2 months before. Now is the time to let it pass for far longer. Besides this girl never missed you. She missed your puppy dog attention. When she needed some emergency attention, she reconnected with you. Once she had her fill, she went back to "friends." Its BS and you certainly do not need a toxic element like this in your life.

 

The most detailed instructions I can give you are easy. Just act like she's dead. Never, under any circumstances contact her for at least the next several months, if ever again, while you get your head together. Do not avoid her in the hopes that she'll run to you. Avoid her so YOU can heal. Do it for YOU and not for her.

[boogieboy]

1.) Find yourself a gf. You didnt even get anywhere with this girl and youre in love with her. Wrong wrong wrong.

 

2.) You are infatuated with what you cant have, its like an addiction, You cant have her, move on, dont ever talk to her again, you will only depress yourself more.

 

3.) You comepletely ruined it by being immature..not only that you basically send her into someone elses arms. She doesnt want to talk to you, and she will never be interested in you again. Once a woman isnt interested, theres nothing you can do to get her to be attracted to you again, and she was never really attracted to you in the first place because you didnt know what you were doing.

 

4.) let this be a lesson to you...do NOT get attached to a woman until you KNOW she is into you. You got attached to a girl when you didnt know how she felt about you, thats not the way to do it.

[fllove17]

4.) let this be a lesson to you...do NOT get attached to a woman until you KNOW she is into you. You got attached to a girl when you didnt know how she felt about you, thats not the way to do it.

 

Isnt that easier said than done though? I'm currently in a situation where I have a thing for a friend. And even though I know its never going to go anywhere its hard to get over those feelings. I dont know about you but I cant pick and choose who I develop feelings for. They just happen. So for this poor guy, I dont think its as easy as saying "Dont get attached to a woman until you know she likes you". I think attachments just form on their own until one day you wake up and realize oh my gosh I like her.

 

I do agree though that finding another girl to occupy his attention is the way to get over this current one. I think everyone wants to like someone and be liked. And until he finds someone new, it'll be hard to get over this girl. Need to find someone new that you like more.

[Jordanjames]

The OP is in a tough situation and I can sort of relate to. I think the OP was used by this girl she just wanted him for attention to boost her own self esteem and ego. I was friends with a guy for seven years except we did eventually get romantically involved and had sex a couple of times. However, after a couple of months he ended it. However, he claimed he wanted me to be just his friend. Yet he still bought me gifts and introduced me to his friends. In June I just could not take it anymore I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore that I was lying to myself and had to move on from him. He got very upset we did not talk for three months. Fast forward to the end of September this year I apologized to him yet he was still angry claiming I hurt him. He said move on we have not talked since or seen each other.

 

However, he e-mailed me in late October and since then we had no contact. The best thing for you to do is no contact with this girl at all. And I mean no contact no e-mailing, no phone calling, no texting, none of that.

I think OP this is going to be very hard for you but it is what it is in black and white. The girl clearly said she doesn't see anything romantic with you. The best thing you can do is to heal and that means no contact.

 

I am not so sure the OP should "meet" someone new right now. I think he needs to work on himself and learn from this experience. I agree that you cannot "choose" who you have feelings for . The OP should not beat himself up or feel bad at all. He will meet someone new but he's got to put himself out there in order for it to happen.

Edited November 25, 2009 by Jordanjames