How to make friends. I don't get it!

[Shuffty]

Ok, so I'm the first to admit I'm not the most sociable person. It's not that I'm lazy, I just feel like I'm too old to be fake-smiling my way around a club or pub when I don't want to be there, with people I don't really like. I don't want to pretend I'm someone else all the time.

 

What I want to ask is: how do you make friends, like proper friends?

 

Sounds stupid, I know. But I'm almost 25 and all the friends I made at school/college have moved away, or really changed. I'm not judging them for it - they've got their own lives, we've just got nothing in common anymore and I didn't realise it would be so difficult to find people with similar interests outside of the education arena.

 

I'm quite a polite person, and as a result I find myself stuck talking to the people who just want someone to talk at and aren't in any way interested in you speaking (or even listening) as long as they can hear their own voice. It makes me feel like sh*t, and all I want them to do is shut up and go away. Then after three weeks of talking AT me (because their own friends aren't there) they turn around and ask if my name's Rachel (it's not).

 

I dunno, I think I get my hopes up to much, because I recently joined a sports club with the impression that they would all be really nice and I would make lots of friends (I do this every time), then I'm met with the same mindless, cliquey people, who ignore you completely or only talk to you if their friends aren't there. What's going on? I'm not a boring person (honestly), it just seems impossible to find someone who likes ANY of the same things as me, and actually wants a 'new' friend.

 

Also, my best friend is my younger sister. I mean really, we do everything together and get on so well, it's like we can read each others minds. I guess I should be grateful; some people hate their sisters. But I get made to feel like a loser even for that! Just because I hang out with my sister and don't like going out on the piss every weekend and I can remember peoples names (not that they notice either way). She's pretty much the only person that gets me, which depresses me sometimes but mostly I don't let other people's judgements on this affect me. Okay, I'll sit at home and talk to myself because you find it weird that I'm friends with my sister, all right then...

 

I'm not really whinging and I'm sorry for the long post, I just find it frustrating that I build myself up to be really sociable and friendly, and the only people I end up meeting are exactly the same as the last lot, trendy and self-involved. It makes me want to just stay at home and be anti-social on purpose, so I won't get so annoyed, ha ha!

 

Any advice on how to meet like-minded people? I'm at a loss; anyone else had this problem? What did you do about it?

[Thornton]

The easiest way to meet like minded people is to go to where they hang out. If you want to meet artistic people then go to a photography class, if you want to meet literary people then go to a writing group, if you want to meet sporty people then join a sports team.

 

Perhaps you have the same problem that I do, in that I go to such places and meet people who I have something in common with, but the relationship remains within the confines of whatever class or group I met them at... i.e. I know some nice people from my dancing class, but I only see them at my dancing class. I always think people will think I'm weird if I ask them to meet up outside of class, like I'm hitting on them or something. So I don't know how to solve that problem, but I always figured that having friends who I see in class was better than having no friends at all.

[Shuffty]

Yeah, that does sound a lot like me actually. Like, I used to work with a load of really nice people, who - for the duration of the day - I got on really well with, but never did anything out of work, or if I did, they would turn out to be into completely different things to me. It's no ones fault - plus it's harder to discern whether you will get on with someone outside of class/work, when they're not in their 'natural environment', you know? Like I act way different at work than I do at home.

 

I think I've watched too much 'Friends' as well , and I have this image that these are the friends you're supposed to have and if you don't have this then you're obviously an irritating weirdo who nobody loves, ha ha! I know that's not reality, be nice though wouldn't it?

 

I might look into the writing/book-group thing though, I think I have to accept that God just didn't build me for sports, no matter how hard I try They'll possibly be less cliquey maybe, just luck I suppose - only one way to find out. Thanks for the advice.

 

Maybe I'll just become a hermit, far less effort involved, ha ha!

[Thornton]

I prefer to think of myself as a nomad who isn't tied to one particular group of friends I go to photography class and I'm friends with one set of people, I dance salsa with another set of people, and I know yet another set of people at work... all of them only see one side of me, so I'm a bit of a mystery to most people I sometimes wish that I had a serious set of friends who I could call at any time, who knew me as a whole and liked me outside of any classes or joint activities... like on Friends, as you say. It clearly isn't impossible because a lot of people seem to have that, it's just always seemed to elude me, so I guess I've figured out how to be happy with what I've got. The only people who really know me as a whole are my family and the men I've dated, which I guess is enough.

[Butterflying]

I can totally relate to this. In my profession, I meet and mingle with a lot of ineresting people. Studying behavior was one of my majors in college and I have to use it a lot for work.

 

What I've found is that most of the people in the cliques you find aren't really all that close. They lie, betray, and gossip about each other (which is ultimately what they do to themselves as well).

 

The type of people who are members of cliques are insecure. They need people around them to keep them from being lonely, odd, ect. These people aren't comfortable with themselves which is why they usually strike up selfish conversations with "anyone" who will listen when somebody they know isn't around.

 

The same is common with clubs, sororities, fraternaties, ect. It's rare that one individual of any group of people is actually "friends" with someone else in the group. I've joined many clubs and was a member for years and fellow members didn't even know each others names.

 

The best advice I can give you is to be grateful you have a friend in your sister. Spend time doing things you love to do simply because you love it, not because you want to make friends. Friendship is something that has to happen naturally. You can't plan it, or force it. But keeping yourself in environments where you are surrounded by people will help manipulate the proccess a little bit and increase your chances.

 

Don't be afraid of being surrounded by people who are all talking to each other and not you. Chances are, these people's conversations are shallow and fake. The friend you need is another person who is not afraid to stand out in a crowd and be alone.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Butterflying

[Lost-n-confused]

Im 24 and have 2 close firends I can talk to. Everyone else isnt a close friend. At this point in my life Im looking for a romantic relationship. I could be happy spending my life with just one person and having a few close firends. All I want is girlfirend and bestfirend who has a girlfirend so we can go on double dates. That sounds good to me.

 

Otherwize finding new firends is very hard as you get older. You usally meet them at work. I agreed with everything you said.

[Shuffty]

Thanks for the advice, guys. It's really interesting to hear other views on friendship and behaviours.

 

Thornton – I like the term ‘Nomad’, it’s less depressing than becoming a hermit, also it suggests travel – which is good You seem like quite a self-assured person, I envy that. I mean, I’m not massively unhappy – maybe just a bit confused about life in general. I don’t think there are any people that know me better than my family, but that’s no bad thing – there are plenty of people who can’t get along with their families at all. I just think there is a small part of me that feels the need to be validated by others – who most of the time I don’t even like (makes sense…) and I hate that, wish I could get rid of it.

 

Butterflying – The study of behaviour is very interesting, and I think you’re absolutely right about the cliques being insecure, it’s kind of sad that this is the case all over. I always think of it if I watch ‘The Hills’ or any of those shows; these are seen as ‘the popular people’, and yet those aren’t friendships, who treats their friends like that? People who are all about the drama, I can do without that! Definitely too old for the schoolyard politics/he said, she said… The thing is, when I see these people talking and ignoring me, it’s not that I want them to talk to me – most of the time I wish they wouldn’t – it’s just that it seems like there are an abundance of them out there and I wonder where all the decent/interesting people are.

 

You’re totally right about my sister though, and I am completely grateful – I love her to death and would be lost without her. I’m also lucky to be really close with my cousin.

 

Lost-n-confused – I get what you’re saying about finding a girlfriend + couple to go on double dates with, and that’s fine, but I think one of my problems is that I start to go out with someone and kind of ‘adopt’ all their friends as my own, even though they only see me as ‘so-and-so’s girlfriend’. Then, when we split, the inevitable division of assets occurs , and I’m left friendless. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal over it or anything – that’s the sad thing, they weren’t people I would greatly miss – I’d just rather have my own friends that I know won’t disappear after a break up. You’re certainly lucky to have some people you can call close friends, that aren’t just around because of who you’re going out with.

 

It’s true that finding new, good friends, as you get older is very hard. I suppose you kind of take it for granted when you’re younger and surrounded by people.

 

Maybe I’ll just suck it up and go and talk to someone, even if they think I’m weird, you never know who you might meet

[Thornton]

I think one of my problems is that I start to go out with someone and kind of ‘adopt’ all their friends as my own, even though they only see me as ‘so-and-so’s girlfriend’. Then, when we split, the inevitable division of assets occurs , and I’m left friendless. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal over it or anything – that’s the sad thing, they weren’t people I would greatly miss – I’d just rather have my own friends that I know won’t disappear after a break up. You’re certainly lucky to have some people you can call close friends, that aren’t just around because of who you’re going out with.

 

This has happened to me too... at least 7 or 8 times I feel like I move in and out of groups of friends, none of which are really mine. While those people are around, I'm grateful to have them as pseudo-friends, but I'm always aware that they're not really mine and I never really get close to them. After I break up with the bf who the friends belong to, I never see them again, despite making an effort to stay in contact with them (they usually just stop answering my calls). That's why I use the term "nomad" to describe myself, because when it comes to friends I feel like a traveller with no home.

 

I try to view it positively - those people can't have liked me that much anyway if they didn't want to stay friends. I do stuff like photography classes or whatever, and I meet people that way - although they're not close friends I'm still grateful to have them in my life. I also have some people who I genuinely get on with, and although they don't live near me I'm grateful to have them to chat with online.

 

Sometimes I feel trapped in relationships because my current bf is the only close person I've got, so I'm reluctant to end a relationship because I'll be all alone. This can lead to the very bad situation of hanging on to an unwanted bf until a new one comes along If I had close friends, I could end a relationship and still have people to go out with... not having people to go out with also makes it much harder to meet someone new.

 

Ultimately I found that the best thing was just to stop beating myself up and accept the way my life is, be grateful for my family and the acquaintances I have, get used to spending time on my own and being self-reliant, and hope that eventually I'll find a permanent relationship so there'll be someone in my life who will remain close to me.

 

It took me a lot of years to accept the way things are for me; when I was younger I used to feel terribly lonely and get really upset about it, and I'd date people I didn't even like much just because I wanted company. Nowadays I've just come to accept that I'm different to most other people, and I've learned to be very independent and think for myself outside of any peer group, so maybe that's what you interpret as me being self-assured. I guess it comes from having to do things for myself, by myself - I've travelled round the world, done loads of different hobbies, lived in different cities - all by myself. I still like to have other people around, but I don't need them any more - more importantly I know I'm capable of being on my own, so I don't have to put up with people who I don't really like, just for company.

[Shuffty]

Sometimes I feel trapped in relationships because my current bf is the only close person I've got, so I'm reluctant to end a relationship because I'll be all alone. This can lead to the very bad situation of hanging on to an unwanted bf until a new one comes along If I had close friends, I could end a relationship and still have people to go out with... not having people to go out with also makes it much harder to meet someone new.

 

Been there. Personally, I’d take being on my own forever than being with someone who I don’t even like, at best it’s just annoying, at worst it’s self-destructive and unhealthy (been there as well ). Of course that's based on several idiots I've been out with. On the positive side, their friends were all really annoying, so I didn’t try very hard to hang onto them .

 

You’re brave to do all those things by yourself, I think I could stand to be a little more like that. Sometimes I feel like a total wuss – like I worry about the stupidest things, and stuff that happened years ago that I can’t change, it’s so silly! I get really angry at myself and just wish I could let things go, grrrrr! I think that’s the way I’m wired though, so it’s probably never going to change. I blame the parents .

 

I’ll tell you what gets on my nerves though (this happened all the time at school); people who feel sorry for me. I mean, I’m ok really, life could be a lot worse and I’m grateful for what I have, but I can’t take it from friends who are no better off than me!

 

Case in point: A friend of mine from college moved away when she went to university. (So, obviously poor me for staying at home – which I did for my ex-bf, but that’s another story…) She got a boyfriend – nice guy, bit dopey - and they moved in together really quickly because both their leases were up on their own houses. Then, when they finished uni, they had nowhere else to go so they moved in with his mother somewhere down south. Now, every time she comes back, I get the sympathetic glances and the ‘oh poor you, you’re single’ speech, it’s so patronising and I always have to ward it off with a ‘yes, but I’m fine’, which sounds forced anyway… When what I really want to say is; ‘It would be my idea of hell to have moved so far away from my family, to live with my boyfriend’s mother – both of whom you are now stuck with forever BTW, I would much rather still be at home and not letting circumstances dictate my life decisions (where they live is such a crap-hole); I am not jealous. I’M FINE.’ That might come across badly though…

 

Of course no one ever believes you’re actually fine, how could you be, when your life is nowhere near as fulfilling as theirs…?

Edited November 20, 2009 by Shuffty

[LonelyGuy85]

I completely understand. I am in a dark place right now because of this. I literally have no friends because i cut the few i did out my life because they made me feel so bad all the time. The problem is that being out of my teens and in a job, i just find it hard to build up a friendship with other people.

 

What makes matters worse for me is that i am most moving from job to job, so once i have made a friend within a job i am off, and the friendship just dies.

 

I really wish i knew how people are making these close, personal friends.

[Shuffty]

Honestly, you're better off without friends that just make you feel bad all the time. I know it's easy to say, isn't it? In my life I feel like I'm too old to deal with crying and getting angry over other 'friends' behaviour, so I'll just be on my own. I'm not 'miss mature' or anything, but you know what some people are like - always have to be gossiping about something to make themselves feel big, it's like 'grow up, you're not at school anymore!' Life's much simpler without that.

 

I wish I knew how people make close friends too, but I think Butterflying had a point earlier; not everyone's friendships are as perfect as they would have you believe. I'd rather not settle for someone who has to be 'top dog' or whatever, in order to feel good about themselves, therefore relegating you to a stand-by. I've found that same problem with work people as well - more observed than experienced myself (I worked in the same place for a really long time). My ex-bf was a bar-tender and typically had short term/seasonal contracts, so he worked all over the place in dozens of different bars (seems kinda lonely to me, but he liked it), and everywhere he worked he would go on about how these were his bestest friends ever and he would invite them to family weddings and get deeply involved in their personal lives to help with problems. I always felt like saying to him 'you realise when you leave this place you will never hear from your best friends ever again.' He never believed it, but that's always what happened. Sad really. I supposed that's the nature of work, you don't pick who you're put together with, it's just luck if someone likeable gets a job in the same place as you.

 

Thornton was saying earlier that one way to find like-minded people is to go along to clubs and groups of things that you're interested in, it's logical that there would be more people there that you could get along with, worth a try? Or, you could just do what I'm on the verge of doing; talk to anyone you see who vaguely looks like they might talk back, in order to up the chances of finding someone as weird as myself to be friends with. Weirdo's unite, be silent no longer!

 

Please, try not to be too down about it, you never know what's around the corner. FYI this is me in a more positive mood, ask me if I hate everyone when my hopes have been dashed yet again and I'm stuffing my face with chocolate buttons and watching X Factor...

[eeyore1981]

Many years ago, I had some super bad friend experiences. I ended up kind of closing myself off.

 

A few years go by, and one day I realized I was lonely. I had a lot of friends, but they were all casual friends. I can also be very shy and insecure in certain situations, so I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing, wondering what I could do to make the situation better. It seemed pretty hopeless.

 

Then I kind of stepped back and really looked at the problem. A lot of it was me. I had a few friends from way back I wasn't friends with anymore, and it was because I let them drift away. So I put a lot of effort into reconnecting, and I have 3 out of 4 of them back. I could probably get the fourth, if I wanted to work a little harder, but I do have my limits.

 

Some of my casual friends were getting together on Fridays and having a few drinks. I'm not much of a drinker, but I asked a couple if they minded it I went the next Friday. They said sure. I felt uncomfortable, because there were some other people there I didn't know, or didn't know well, but I pushed it down and forced myself to join in the conversation, even if I didn't know who or what they were talking about, like I would ask questions, and no one seemed to mind filling me in so I would understand the conversation. Now I consider several of the people in this group actual friends, maybe not real close, but I would feel comfortable calling and asking to go do something.

 

I changed the way I looked at it, and the way I approached it, and now I have 2 best friends, 2 very close friends, and at least 8 good enough friends to call up and go do something with. I had to just stop hanging on the fringes and put myself into it, which meant risking major rejection. I didn't hit it off with everyone I tried to make friends with, but I scored enough to make it more than worth it.

[eeyore1981]

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, some of the people I am friends with now, I was under the wrong assumption, from appearances, they had tons of friends and wouldn't have any interest in making any more. I was very wrong. Most of the people I started hanging out with are kind of in the same situation as me.

 

You just don't know until you try.

[LonelyGuy85]

eeyore1981 - That is an inspiring story. I think that is part of the reason that i just find it incredibly hard to make friends. There are some people who are really friendly, approachable and fun to talk to innwork, but then they talk about what they did the night before with their friends and their plans on the weekend with their friends etc, so i kind of back of, thinking that they obviously don't have room for another friend. Maybe i should be more implusive and forward, even if i get rejected or it just doesn't work out then at least i can say i tried. Plus, it has to be better than being lonely all the time.

 

Shuffty - I love the idea of not being down due to there being something good around the corner, and normally that would be inspiring and highly motivating. The problem is that i have been waiting to turn that corner for far too long, maybe there is something great there, but when it takes years to see it, it's hard to get excited about it. Your ex does sound like he has a lonely job though, sure, he gets to meet new people, but he never really gets the chance to develop strong relationships, more like flashfires where it's bright but soon just dissappears.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Wow, Im glad I found this thread. I was about to start one similar to this one. I too have very few friends. I was fine through college as I belonged to an organization and lived with the people in it so it was like an insta-friend thing.

 

Out of that organization I kept in touch with 3 people. Two moved very far away. One of which is my best friend who I still talk to almost every day. Still I miss being able to hang out with people.

The other guy who is here, i like to hang out with him but sometimes i wonder if he wants more, and that just wont happen.

So that leaves me with one friend from high school, I'm not too fond of her for various reasons but we still get along. Still, she also has changed and is very into things I just dont find interesting so we cant hardly hang out that often.

I realize that i might need to put more effort into making new friends. I think about it, but i guess im just too lazy. I love hanging out at home a lot of the time, but i feel like I really should be out there, socializing and living life.

 

In any case, I agree that we should do something to meet people with more of our interest, but i have also encountered the same things that you have....you're in the environment, everything is fine, but at the end of the day, you still get to go home alone, without weekend plans....

Sad days....

[Shuffty]

Eeyore1981, that’s a cool story. I think you’re right about just having to put yourself out there and risking the rejection, it’s just tough, you know? (Of course you do…) I don’t think it helps when I’m completely self-depreciating, not to the point of self hatred, I just feel like (and some of this I relate to my upbringing) I have to put myself below others to try and make them feel good. Not in a doormat way, I just… well, it’s weird isn’t it. I dunno. It’s like I have to be just slightly less worthy than them so they don’t think I’m up myself or something. Like I should care so much, WTF? Anyway, I think there’s definitely something to be learnt from your experience; it’s not impossible to alter your own situation if you put your mind to it. Good for you. I suppose it’s just a question of being a little bit, dare I say it….brave?

 

Hey there LonelyGuy85, whenever I read stuff about people feeling lonely and fed up, I can’t help but relate and start to write something like ‘chin up’ or ‘try and stay positive’ because I don’t want people to be sad. I know how patronising it sounds - and quite unhelpful if we’re honest, but just so you know; the sentiments are genuine and I don’t like anyone feeling bad. Wah wah, I know… It’s just that I’m in the same boat and I know it doesn’t feel great when that mythical ‘corner’ seems so far away or even not there at all. I think you’re right what you said to Eeyore1981 though, maybe you should try being more impulsive, it’s easy to type it but I think he/she had some good advice, and it obviously worked. It’s true: ‘You just don’t know till you try’. Good luck! Live long and prosper! (I’m not a Trekkie or anything, it just sounded more positive than ‘cheer up’, although I do love the new movie…) I hope you make a change and feel better.

[Shuffty]

Hi 4givrnt4gtr, I’m only posting this separately because I seem to be waffling on a lot here…

 

I think it’s probably normal to have only a few close friends, and at least you’ve got a good thing in your best friend. It is definitely difficult when your social situation changes though, especially when you don’t expect to lose touch with people. Two of the best friends I made in a long time live in Sweden and it’s horrible to think they are so far away, Facebook’s just not the same, is it? Also, I know how you feel about the changes of interest, I think that’s the perils of growing up, friends start to like rubbish (sorry, I mean things you’re not into ), or I suppose people change as they get older. I spoke to my mum about it once, because a lot of people I know have friends they’ve known since they were like, born, and I don’t have that, but she told me that maybe friends are meant to come and go through your life, perhaps you’re not supposed to hold onto all the people you meet. Seems kind of sad, but there’s probably some truth in it. Hopefully the ones you do hang on to are the best ones.

 

If you love to hang out at home, then there’s nothing wrong with that – unless it’s making you unhappy. There is a certain amount of pressure from ‘society’ I think, that if you’re a young person then you should be out there clubbing and holidaying with a huge gang of friends. It’s designed to make you feel like crap for some reason, or that you’re not ‘normal’ or something, I don’t know. Personally, (and this is usually because the country I live in is so cold and rainy) I like just sitting in and watching a DVD, plus I’m broke, which doesn’t help I just want a couple of friends to do that with, or go to the cinema, or to a gig, anywhere inside…

 

It’s a tough question for sure, and not one that there is a set answer to, I’m afraid. I’m all for the ‘putting yourself out there’ theory, it’s just the putting myself out there bit that I’m nervous about. Maybe I should try being more positive Mantra’s or something, perhaps, anyone know if they work?

[eeyore1981]

Lol, maybe I should give a little more detail.

 

When I made the decision to invite myself to the Friday get-together, I was a nervous wreck, and it took me several days to get up the nerve to do it. The only thing I have going for me is a very good ability to fake it, you know, like put on a happy face when I feel like I am going to throw up? Anyway, when I did ask, I was pretty much expecting some response about how they had a full table or something along those lines. No one ran away screaming in terror, they told me, sure, come on with us.

 

I should also tell you I live in a small town that I am not from. Some of these people have known each other since they were in diapers, and there is a lot of 'outsider' mentality around. This has not been easy.

 

I was lonely, and I wanted actual friends, not just a bunch of people to say 'Hi' to. It was work, and it was very uncomfortable for me at first, in fact, 'uncomfortable' doesn't even begin to describe it, but it was worth it. Not all the people I wanted to be friends with worked out, but most of them did, and I ended up with a few bonus friends I wasn't even looking for. I wanted to give up a few times, but when I started this, I promised myself I would stick with it for a year, no matter what. It only took a few months.

 

Good luck!

[LonelyGuy85]

Eeyore1981, that sounds almost exactly like a situation i come up against. Although, your outcome is better than any of mine have been. It's great that you have made some friends from the situation, especially the surprise friends that you weren't expecting to find.

 

Shuffty, i completely understand you wanting people to not feel down. I am the same way, i constantly try and offer advice to people to keep their spirits up. Too bad that i personally take no joy from it, but i hope that others at least understand i care enough to try and make them feel better. That says a lot about you, that you offer reassuring remarks to try and make us feel better.

 

On a seperate note. Today has been a particularly bad one for me. It's been the kind of day where I really wish i had some friends or maybe even a girlfriend to bring me back up. Right now i am still on the bottom of the sea, with Aquaman and the Cracken, neither one is a talker though. It especially bad when you work in job that has customers screaming down the phone at you all day. The way i think of it is as a balance; people screaming at you during the day but then friends and/or girlfriend to make you happier in the evenings. Right now though, i just have the negative side and it's really making me down all the time.

[Jordanjames]

This has happened to me as well. I knew a guy he introduced me to his friends but they were never my friends they were his friends. And now we are not talking and I have zero contact with his friends. So I decided to attend a therapy group. In therapy I am learning new strategies to meeting new people. I think OP I know this sounds hard but you've just got to put yourself out there. Also, do you go to university or college? Maybe you can join a club or group? Or how about volunteering or something? Or how about going to http://www.meetup.com this is a website specifically for people that want to meet new people and make new friends. There are so many different groups on meetup.com you should check it out.

[Shuffty]

Jordanjames, that’s a really good idea actually, I have briefly checked it out before and thought it was a cool website, I’ve just never sat down and searched it seriously, but I think I will. From what I remember there are a lot of people like us who just want someone fun to go to the movies with or something and they don’t know how to find friends.

 

Unfortunately I’m not at university, but to be truthful I didn’t feel that at home there. It was only a small class and a select course where I seemed to be the only one there who wasn’t well-off/quite posh, and almost every time I opened my mouth someone would make fun of my accent (no joke, I just stopped talking after a while), so me and this Australian guy would just sit at the back and wish for graduation day, ha ha! It’s ok though, they weren’t very nice people anyway, I was glad to see the back of them.

 

Just out of interest, do you pay for therapy, or is it a self-help group or something like that?

 

Hi Eeyore1981, I think it’s even more admirable that you stuck it out even though it made you want to puke; I know how that feels and it takes some nerve to keep going and pushing yourself. Good to hear no one ran screaming in terror . From the perspective of this small towner, it would be a dream to see a new face around here, someone that doesn’t know my entire family/life history I’ve witnessed the ‘outsider’ mentality from other people too, WTF? I don’t get that at all…

[Shuffty]

I’m sorry you’ve been having a tough time – yet again I can relate. It’s really hard to pull yourself out of a particularly bad slump with no one there to hang on to.

 

Someone once said to me that if you were really strong you wouldn’t need anyone to save you, and would just be able to do it yourself, how can others love you if you don’t love yourself first… Personally I think that’s total piffle – a person can be totally secure on their own, not scared, not depressed, but still crave some human contact, it’s only natural I think. Which makes it all the more difficult to rely on others to help you out, if there are no others. I hope you can find something to at least distract yourself from feeling bad. Me, I turn to arts and crafts (as ridiculous as that sounds…), like sewing – I find some satisfaction from creating an object from scratch, plus, the hours fly by and before you know it it’s bed time and you can close your eyes to the world for a while. That sounds really depressing, doesn’t it? But, it gives my brain something to focus on, and a bit of a rest from day-dreaming my life away – sigh.

 

I know I’m just always agreeing here, but your job sounds like mine. Whoever said ‘the customer’s always right’ is an idiot. I’m telling you 99% of the time, they have no idea what they are talking about. It should be ‘the customer’s always a tool’. Even when I am a customer I give the employee the benefit of the doubt, because I know what it’s like to work in a thankless occupation. I remember this one guy who actually grabbed hold of me and tried to drag me down the gardening aisle whilst yelling ‘Do you know who I am?’ at me (I didn’t and still don’t BTW). It’s unbelievable how people behave sometimes and think it’s ok. Makes it even harder to make friends when everyone seems to be nasty.

 

I’m sorry I can’t help a lot here, except to be on your side. It’s not much, but if you need to vent I think this is a good place to come. Where else can you relate to people on the other side of the world with much the same problems as you?

 

Aquaman and the Cracken, neither one is a talker though.

 

I have heard the under-sea gangs are really cliquey Not taking the piss, it just made me chuckle

[eeyore1981]

Some people I know have no idea how shy I am, because they have never seen it, even though it is something I have struggled with most of my life.

 

When I was a lot younger, I realized this was something I was going to have to work on and deal with if I didn't want to spend most of my time alone.

 

One of the things I started doing was talking to strangers in elevators, busses, etc. The beauty in that is even if they think you are a total creep, the odds are you will never see them again, so no harm done. Plus, it is amazing what kind of power is in a genuine smile and a hello. This is good practice for getting up the nerve to talk to people you are actually going to see again.

 

Here's another story for you. My brother was in a critical care unit in a Boston hospital. I flew up to be with him and my sis-in-law. It was winter, and freezing cold outside. Both my SIL and I smoke. I struck up a conversation with a woman the first time I stepped foot in an elevator. A little later, I ran into her in the waiting room, and we talked a little more. Maybe 3 hours from when I first spoke to her, she went by when SIL and me were outside smoking. She told me, come on, I'll show you the secret smoking room. SIL had been there for many days already, and had no clue. So we got a room that was heated and filled with others in the same boat as we were. When I had to come back home, I left SIL with people to talk to. My SIL has no idea how much I stress out speaking to other people, and we are pretty close. She has it in her head I am so comfortable and outgoing in public, and I haven't told her any differently, because she wouldn't believe it. It was scary for me at first to talk to that woman, but so much good came out of it, and that's what keeps me going.

[LonelyGuy85]

Eeyore1981, I really wish i was able to do something like that. I often try but i have no idea what to say to these people, so it usually involves a quick exchange of words and then back to silence. It's good that you are able to overcome your personal issues, and can identify the areas where you need to change. I really am in awe of how people can do that.

 

Extreme shyness is actually one of things i have tried to shake but just can't seem to overcome. Here's an example, i started a new job a few months ago and during the first week i hardly spoke, instead i just watched other people until i was comfortable enough to speak. Then i only spoke to a few select people.

 

There have only been a few people in my life that i have been close enough to in order to let me guard down, but what's even more annoying is when those same people tell me i am great to be around when i am like that, mainly because i know that i can only be that level of comfortable around people that i really get along with and if i am honest, that hasn't been many people. Even my family don't really know me, they just know the optimistic, always looking forward me, not the i'm so lonely i just want to talk to someone me.

[eeyore1981]

Eeyore1981, I really wish i was able to do something like that. I often try but i have no idea what to say to these people, so it usually involves a quick exchange of words and then back to silence. It's good that you are able to overcome your personal issues, and can identify the areas where you need to change. I really am in awe of how people can do that.

 

Extreme shyness is actually one of things i have tried to shake but just can't seem to overcome. Here's an example, i started a new job a few months ago and during the first week i hardly spoke, instead i just watched other people until i was comfortable enough to speak. Then i only spoke to a few select people.

 

There have only been a few people in my life that i have been close enough to in order to let me guard down, but what's even more annoying is when those same people tell me i am great to be around when i am like that, mainly because i know that i can only be that level of comfortable around people that i really get along with and if i am honest, that hasn't been many people. Even my family don't really know me, they just know the optimistic, always looking forward me, not the i'm so lonely i just want to talk to someone me.

 

Lonely guy, I'm not telling you these things because I want you to be in awe of me. I'm no different than you are.

 

The first job I had, it wasn't so bad, because my cousin and a couple of friends from high school worked there. The second job, I knew a couple of people more or less on sight. I barely spoke to anyone the whole six months I worked there. It was horrible.

 

I didn't find a miracle cure. I am still uncomfortable and awkward in a lot of social situations. It is extemely hard. I had a hard time in high school. Years later, I find out people thought I (yeah, me) was stuck-up. Apparently, my extreme fear of speaking with other people came across as thinking I was better than everyone else. This still cracks me up, my brother, years later, started dating a girl who was a year below me at school, and she told me she always thought I was exotic and mysterious. For the most part, I consider myself weird and funny looking.

 

When I talked to the woman in the elevator, I figured, since she was going to the same floor I was, ccu, we had a very sick relative in common, so that is what I talked about. Most people want someone to talk to as much as you do. Keep telling yourself that, and you will eventually find it may not be easy, but it is easier.

 

Make goals for yourself. It sounds silly, but people like you and me have to take extra steps. Next week, initiate some kind of talk with one person, even if it is just, "Hi, how are you?" and then the next week, make yourself do this with 3 people. Then, commit to 2 sentences with someone. Take it slow, and it isn't so overwhelming.

 

BTW, look how much you are talking to us on this thread. Only difference is we aren't face to face, and we have managed to have a conversation about a subject with each other. Give yourself credit.

Edited November 26, 2009 by eeyore1981
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