Friend grieving

[eeyore1981]

A friend of my friend died unexpectedly last week. I didn't know her. My friend told me about it, and we talked for a while. He went to the funeral on Sat., and told me a little bit about it. He hasn't said much about it since then, but I feel like he is still sad.

 

Since I didn't know the friend who died, it's not like I can share memories with him, but I would like to let him know I'm here if he still wants to talk about her. He's out of town right now, so I was thinking about emailing him the quote, "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." with a picture of a couple of footprints in the sand, but I'm not sure. This guy has been such a good friend to me, and it's weird, but right before this happened, I was just thinking I didn't feel like a very good friend to him, because he never seems to need anything. I just want him to feel better. Any thoughts?

[2sure]

Sometimes, with different people, those who often don't say too much about what they are feeling....its more comfortable for them to talk about facts, events, specifics.

 

The quote you mention is a thoughtful way to express your continued condolences, and you might want to add when next you see him something to the effect of:

 

Tell me more about her.

 

Just talking about someone, even if they are not shared memories, is an important part of the grieving process.

[Ronni_W]

eeyore,

You are a good friend...I'm suspecting that you do also leave footprints in the hearts of others.

and you might want to add when next you see him something to the effect of: Tell me more about her.

It's also okay to say that you don't know what he needs right now, and will he please tell you if/when/how you can support him through his loss and grief.

[eeyore1981]

eeyore,

You are a good friend...I'm suspecting that you do also leave footprints in the hearts of others.

 

It's also okay to say that you don't know what he needs right now, and will he please tell you if/when/how you can support him through his loss and grief.

 

Thank you, that is very sweet.

 

This is a little complicated for me because this is a guy and we are both married, and I am not wanting to cross any lines. My friendship with him is very important to me, and I want to be there for him.

 

I guess as long as my H is kept aware of the situation it's okay to do this? I'm just not sure, I don't want to create any problems with anyone.

[quankanne]

definitely keep your husband in the loop, you can broach the subject by saying, "so and so's friend died, I hope he and their other friends are handling this okay/are doing okay because that's a hard thing to go through." Your husband sees your concern on a non-romantic, friendship level and nothing more.

 

and I think it's a perfectly sweet AND good idea to check with your buddy from time to time to see how he's doing. If he seems open to the idea of talking about this friend, ask simple questions about how they met, how long they've known each other, etc. This might be the opportunity he needs to air his feelings of grief and/or loss ...

[Ronni_W]

This is a little complicated for me because this is a guy and we are both married, and I am not wanting to cross any lines. My friendship with him is very important to me, and I want to be there for him.

Ah, okay. That makes me sense something...well...something else/more/different.

 

Certainly his wife will be there for him. So it really depends on the depth of your desire to also "be there for him." Keeping your hubby in the loop is important, of course, but that may not be enough to keep a lid on any developing feelings between you and your friend.

 

To me, offering comfort to a friend, male or female, married or single, during a time of loss would not become "a little complicated" in, of and by itself -- would there not need to be some little pre-existing something that had the potential to complicate things in any case?

OTOH. I could be reading waayyy more into yours than is your own truth and reality. In which case...please ignore this post .

 

Regardless though, it is still very kind of you to be concerned about your friend.

[eeyore1981]

Ah, okay. That makes me sense something...well...something else/more/different.

 

Certainly his wife will be there for him. So it really depends on the depth of your desire to also "be there for him." Keeping your hubby in the loop is important, of course, but that may not be enough to keep a lid on any developing feelings between you and your friend.

 

To me, offering comfort to a friend, male or female, married or single, during a time of loss would not become "a little complicated" in, of and by itself -- would there not need to be some little pre-existing something that had the potential to complicate things in any case?

OTOH. I could be reading waayyy more into yours than is your own truth and reality. In which case...please ignore this post .

 

 

 

Regardless though, it is still very kind of you to be concerned about your friend.

 

Lol, this is the exactly the perception I am trying to avoid.

 

There's not any feelings other than close friendship. This guy is a friend of my H, and was my friend, too. After my H had his affair, I was running around with my BIL, who I have been tight with for almost 30 years, and this guy was always around, being a good friend of my BIL, too. Sometimes one or both of their wives are with us, and sometimes other people, even a few times my H, but the three of us just bonded very closely. They know my H cheated, but we don't talk about it, we just have fun, and for a while, being with them was the only time I didn't care what my H was doing in my absence, it was like having my freedom back, even if it was only temporarily.

 

So, this past week we have spent time together just him and me. This was special circumstances, but having gone through the joy of being a BS, I don't want his wife experiencing any feelings like that, no matter how mistaken. That's why it's complicated, I want to be there for him, but not at anyone else's expense.

[Ronni_W]

Sorry, eeyore. I didn't mean for you to have to dredge up any unpleasant memories. Of course your post does also confirm my original -- you are a very caring and sensitive person.

 

My similar experience was when my very very good married male friend had a serious health problem, and went into depression thereafter. I made a point to also speak with his wife, express my concern and that I did want to support him as best I could, and did she have any tips or ideas.

 

My/our back story is that he and I had dated, briefly, back in college (20+ years prior.) His wife knows that he and I mean the world to each other, and she is totally cool with that. His wife and I do not hang out by ourselves, but we are friends -- and we both do love her husband...except quite differently, of course.

 

I guess...if you also keep his wife in the loop (if you have that kind of relationship), that might go a long way, too. In my case, if his wife had not been comfortable with me supporting him, I probably would have made the offer to him once, and then left it for him to choose.

 

Er...I dunno -- did that help at all?

[Meaplus3]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.. sounds like your sort of in a rough spot. I'd say go ahead and send the email. I'm sure your friend will appreciate any kindness and words of support that you have to offer. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[eeyore1981]

Thank you all for your help. And thank you Ronni, it did help, and you are very kind, also.

 

I sent the email last night, with a note saying if he hit any rough spots, he should know people cared about how he was feeling and were thinking of him. I hope he gets the message he is not being abandoned.

 

I'll just be glad when my BIL gets back in from out of town, then it will be the three of us again, and I won't feel awkward reaching out.