I've begun to get jealous regarding a friend at work

[fllove17]

I've been working at the same place for over a year and have become really good friends with one of my female co-workers. In fact, she has become one of my better friends. Not just at work but in general. I've always had some feelings for her, but ever since I've known her she has been with the same guy. The odds of them splitting up at this point are slim to none. In fact a proposal is on the way. Even though she is with this guy, she and I are very close. So close that some fellow co-workers of ours have asked me if there is something between us. I sometimes feel like I'm the boyfriend when the real boyfriend isn't around.

 

Weirdly though, this is not what is making me jealous. I've never really thought I stood a chance because she has always been infatuated with her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, when I hang out with the both of them, I don't really care to see them be affectionate. However, this isn't what is bothering me.

 

What really bothers me is seeing her spend time with other co-workers. Which I know is crazy. I think the problem is that I'm currently not seeing anyone. And there isn't anyone I'm even interested in. So I think all the emotional feelings of um... (im not sure what to call it) fulfillment one would get through a girlfriend, I'm trying to get through her. And I guess the thought of losing her friendship and all the other things I'm trying to get out of it, to one of my co-workers really bothers me. So when I see her starting to talk to different co-workers more often, I start to get jealous. And even more pathetic, sometimes when we go to office parties and I see her interact with other co-workers, usually when she gets a little drunk, I get the feeling that if she were single, she would rather date one of them than she would me. Which is kind of a blow to my ego as I'm out there looking for someone to date.

 

I realize the whole thing is preposterous because she isn't leaving her boyfriend. So I'll never feel any kind of "rejection" of her choosing one of my other co-workers. And at this point in time, we haven't been hanging out any less than we normally do so I shouldn't feel like our friendship is waning in the slightest. But at times I get really jealous for no reason. I cant even really understand it.

 

I feel like if I was seeing someone or really interested in someone else, this problem would most likely fix itself. But that isn't going to magically happen overnight. And in the meanwhile I just want to go back to her and I being friends with no concern for any of this other stuff.

 

Any thoughts? Besides the fact that I'm probably nuts. I really do enjoy hanging out with her and I guess any normal person would be a little concerned about losing a good friend. However its more than that for me and I know it shouldnt be.

[fllove17]

no thoughts?

[laRubiaBonita]

i think you are in like with liking she is your "girl"friend.

 

she is, as you said, a very close friend- and she has told you very personal things because she values your guy perspective.

 

ego boosts are great no matter your sex, color, age, etc.... and i think part of you(your heart) really does like-like her.... but your other side(your head) knows it's not the best bet.

 

can you pull yourself away somewhat? NOT be sooo involved?

 

you do not want to set yourself up for jealousy turn slight heart break.....

 

 

 

 

i think it's cute though

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hmmm, I wish more people would post to answer your question.

 

I am a female but have a somewhat similar problem.

 

Do you ever worry about her breaking up with her bf and having to watch her date someone else (as in not you)? Do you even somewhat wish that she would stay with her bf so that there would be no chance for someone else (even if it means no chance for you either)?

[freestyle]

I'm inclined to wonder if your emotional investment in the friendship is sabotaging your attempts to meet someone for yourself.

 

(I've seen it happen before, many times)

 

Try to hit your mental "fast-forward" button. Picture 2, or 3 years from now. She's married her bf, and has a kid on the way. Do you really think she'll have the time and energy to reciprocate your friendship? Most likely you'll get put off, and put off, and put off...........................

 

And it might not mean that she doesn't still care, she'll be on a completely different path than you are....................unless you've also found someone, 2, or 3 years from now, have gotten married,maybe a kid on the way, etc......................

 

I've been through this myself. The last single person watching all my friends get married, and having kids. And yes the friendships changed, they had to. A person's priorities change when they settle down. I was miffed at first, then I slowly came to understand why most of my old friends didn't have time to hang out anymore.............

 

You're better off pulling away from this friend emotionally. You don't have to turn your back entirely, but realize that you're investing energy that could be better spent on meeting someone for yourself. Your friend is not going to be able to return your investment fully of she's involved with someone else.

 

Good luck to you.......................FS

[WTRanger]

It sounds as if you are jealous of the other co-workers because if this girl does break up with her current bf, they are potentials to swoop in and steal your girl on the rebound. The jealousy also stems from your deep rooted feelings for her.

 

You've got to back away from this. This isn't Hollywood and these situations 99.99% of the time end in disaster for people on your side. If the two of you are so close, ask her to set you up with one of her single friends. She's got to have single girlfriends right?

[Boundary Problem]

I sometimes feel like I'm the boyfriend when the real boyfriend isn't around.

 

I don't really care to see them be affectionate.

 

And there isn't anyone I'm even interested in. So I think all the emotional feelings of um... (im not sure what to call it) fulfillment one would get through a girlfriend, I'm trying to get through her.

 

But at times I get really jealous for no reason. I cant even really understand it.

 

 

 

Well you are emotionally attached to her. As long as you are, you won't find any other women that interesting, ergo you will not find a girlfriend.

 

You need to detach from her (she's going to marry someone else you have indicated). Then you can focus on getting your own girlfriend.

 

Your jealousy and your discomfort with seeing her touching her boyfriend are the clues that this is not a simple friendship to you.

 

You have to "break up" with her in your head, before you will "get over" her, and then you can move on.

 

You are her 'work husband'. Which would be fine if you were both married to other people and it was just a companionship thing. But you are single and you are harbouring 'hopes'.

 

This is a dead end situation.

 

You are throwing away your valuable time on this situation. Why is that?

[fllove17]

I think everyone's posts here are spot on.

 

To answer the questions above, yes i would be very upset if she broke up with her boyfriend and dated someone else. And yes i do hope the boyfriend and her stay together just so i dont have to deal with her picking another guy. I dont think ill have to worry about that because she and the boyfriend will be getting married. He hasnt officially asked just yet(although he told me confidentially itll be in two weekends) but theyve been talking about it and she has already picked out a location for the wedding.

 

However, I feel like there is the one guy at work she would go out with if she was single. Whenever there is an office party and she starts drinking, this guy always seems to be all over her and she has no problem talking with him. She gets kinda flirty when she is drunk. And I hate going out with everyone and seeing her act this way. I don't think she would do anything with this guy but you never know when alcohol gets involved. She does have a problem getting too drunk from time to time. I know there will be something going on this Friday night and her boyfriend won't be able to go out. Part of me wants to go to make sure she doesnt do anything stupid but the other part of me doesnt want to go and see it actually happen. Its ironic because the boyfriend doesn't get jealous in the slightest(at least not that I know of) yet if I were him, I sure would be. Although I don't he completely knows how this guy from work acts with her.

 

Anyways, I know this is silly and I know I should detach myself from the situation. Its hard though because I'm one of her best friends so she calls me a lot and we hang out a lot. And it'd be awkward if I started seeing her less at work. I know she would realize something was wrong. And I really dont want to tell her how I feel because I know nothing good can come of it. Plus I would honestly miss having her as my friend. She is one of my best friends as well.

 

I do agree that I need to make sure I don't spend too much energy worrying about her and causing myself not to get involved with other women. However I feel like if I met someone, this wouldn't be too much of a problem. I just don't happen to meet a lot of women so I think thats my biggest barrier to meeting someone as opposed to this.

 

I just don't know how to make myself stop liking someone. The only thing I can think of is to just totally ignore her however I'd rather not do that. I'm friends with plenty of women that I have no jealousy over. I wish I could do the same with her. It really eats away at me and I just want it to stop. I just don't know how to fix it yet keep her as a friend.

 

Thanks for all the thoughts!

[Boundary Problem]

However I feel like if I met someone, this wouldn't be too much of a problem.

 

I just don't know how to fix it yet keep her as a friend.

 

If you meet someone - it is a HUGE problem. Fix it.

 

You fix it by dropping her as a friend. Cold turkey.

 

She KNOWS you like her. If she was a true friend she wouldn't allow you to be in this agony.

 

First step to getting over her is seeing her for what she is.

[fllove17]

If you meet someone - it is a HUGE problem. Fix it.

 

You fix it by dropping her as a friend. Cold turkey.

 

She KNOWS you like her. If she was a true friend she wouldn't allow you to be in this agony.

 

First step to getting over her is seeing her for what she is.

 

Well part of me thinks I like her because I don't have anyone else I'm interested in to capture my attention. And if I did find someone else, my feelings for her would start to go away. Like you said, if we were both married, it'd be more of a companionship thing. And I would like to keep her as my friend as I think its important to have someone at your job that you can confide in and discuss work issues. Because significant others cant fully understand those issues if they arent working there.

 

You think she knows I like her? I guess maybe thats why she likes to hang out with me. Maybe she likes the attention I give her. And I guess maybe thats why she likes to hang out with that other guy during office parties because he flirts with her.

 

Although I just don't see her as that kind of person though that would use guys for the attention. She does go out of her way to do a lot of nice things for me. I honestly believe she just sees me as a friend. Although I guess she could honestly like me as a friend but also like the attention she gets from me as well as other guys.

 

I do think you are right though. I do think I need to "break up" with her in my head. I know logically itll never be anything more than a friendship but I guess emotionally I havent come to grips with it. But I hope you are wrong in that I need to go cold turkey and stop talking to her completely. I'd like to find a happy middle ground. As I said before I think its important to have a close friend at work and she is far and away my closest one.

[Boundary Problem]

Well there are always other jobs.

 

If she is marrying someone else, it is a dead end.

 

Why put your personal life on hold, just to have a buddy at work?

 

Of course she knows you have a crush on her. I've had to walk away from friendships with men when I knew they had 'serious hopes' and I couldn't imagine dating them. Even though they were great people, I walked away - because I cared about them and it was best for them. This was about 15 years ago, but I still miss his friendship. I think he is in Prince George now and I want to contact him for business reasons, but I won't. No excuse. He needs me out of his life if I'm not going to be his girlfriend.

 

Do you see what a true friend would do? She is not your true friend.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Boundary Problem