How do I deal with my friend?

[Woggle]

A close friend of mine is recently divorced and if you think I was bitter towards women you should see this guy. He pretty much has decided to be a player and since his divorce he seems to have a new play thing pretty much every week. His way of thinking is that the old way he used to treat women got him nowhere so he treats them like toys now and they keep coming back for more. He keeps his mouth shut most of the time but I know he wants me to join him in this lifestyle.

 

He claims that I am getting soft and starting to lose my balls because I know it is not healthy to hold on to that bitterness forever. The other day he broke the ban on him sticking his nose into my marriage and said I am going to end up a sad divorced man when my wife blindsides me like all women do to their husbands. I told him last year that he is not to talk about my marriage this way around me but he just doesn't listen.

 

I feel torn because despite all this he is a good guy. He would give you the shirt off your back and he is one of the few really close friends I have made in New Jersey. All my other friends are pretty much from New York and I feel like I finally found a guy I can relate to around here. I also feel like I created a monster because I was there for him through a very rough time and I encouraged him to grow his balls back and this is what he turned into. I perfectly understand where he is coming from because even the kindest and most loving man gets fed up after getting chewed up and spit out so many times. He should play around all he wants but he needs to leave my marriage out of it.

[freestyle]

You may need to distance yourself for a while here.........not necessarily

closing the door entirely, but backing off a few steps.

 

It's not cool for him to comment negatively on your marriage, it's going to do nothing but create tension in your friendship, and your M , if your W gets wind of the way he's talking.

 

I've seen this scenario sooooo many times over the years. A bruised and/or jilted person starts to view everything through baggage-colored glasses and spews their venom everywhere, at everyone. It's because his pain is soooo deep.(not a justification,merely an explanation) It can be very difficult to be around someone in that state of being,IME. It's draining and it can drag you down if you let it. It can even be a negative influence on a person without a strong center, though based on your OP, that doesn't seem to be the case with you.You come across as having a good sense of boundaries, and a well-developed self-awareness.

 

The old adage,"misery loves company" seems to apply here. Also, he's looking for a sidekick to validate his current bad behavior.All you can do is lay it on the line about where you stand, and be very firm about the fact that you won't do anything to jeapordize your M.

 

Hate to say it, but the only solution I see is to limit your hangout time with this guy for the time being. He's got to process his way through all the negative emotions on his own, no one else can do that for him.

 

You described him as essentially a nice guy, so this might just be a pendulum swing to the other side that will come back and level off somewhere in a middle ground.Eventually.I've seen it.Right now he's in a dark place. All you can do is shine a light near the exit, you can't follow him in there. Hopefully he'll find his way back before too long.

[carhill]

Real simple:

 

'I love you to death but my marriage and my wife are my priority. I've asked you to not make derogatory comments about my marriage and my wife. Since you cannot stop, we cannot be friends right now. I hope at some future date we can'.

 

If he's really a friend, that will set him right back on his heels. If he's not, but has appeared to be due to the shared vitriol for women, then he'll disappear and you'll know the truth about him. Here's a great time to show the balls you've grown. Those balls apply to everyone, not just women.

 

If he was going through a divorce, I'd remain supportive and be more flexible with boundaries, but he's done now and needs to man-up and own his responsibility to his friends. Even going through a divorce, I can't imagine talking smack about a friend's marriage or wife. I'd sooner puke. He's got a lot to learn about friendship.

[quankanne]

also let him know that you understand exactly where he's coming from, because you were there not too long ago ... and now you're living proof that it DOES get better, and that there are good women out there, he's only got to accept that particular truth. That if he needs to go through women like cheap toilet paper, that's his perogative, but the topic of your marriage is completely off limits, and if he can't respect that, he's going to need to find himself another partner in misery.

 

it's not that you don't care for your friend, but that you need to do what you have to do to protect this one bright spot in your life you've created with your wife.

[whichwayisup]

I get that he is one of your closest friends, lives in your City and you two have gone through alot, but the bottomline is, he doesn't seem respect you, your wife and marriage, he makes snide comments about it to you, makes jabs about you losing your balls, etc, etc.. Then he isn't truly looking out for your best interest. He isn't seeing the whole picture that INCLUDES your wife. She is number one - Your first priority.. Not saying to end the friendship, but somehow HE has to accept that your wife isn't going anywhere and he needs to stop being a jerk, stop projecting his unhappiness onto you, trying to convince you to ditch your wife and live HIS way of life.

 

Your friend is miserable and bitter, envious of what you have.. I could be wrong, but he needs some counselling to help get him back on the right path, away from bitterville.