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"Friend" fell off the face of the earth...?


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Old 2nd October 2009, 12:32 PM   #1
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"Friend" fell off the face of the earth...?

Sorry, this is a long post...

Ok so I have this 'friend'...although I should say that he is really more of a friend that I have a sexual flirtation with. I am going to call him K. It is extremely casual, I mean we both have seen other people but we have an online connection that is simply fun for both of us. We don't live in the same state, both of us are going through divorce (his being a really nasty divorce), so this is great right now. It's kind of not a huge part of either of our lives...we like one another but various circumstances have led to this set up being ideal for the time being. Neither of us have any expectations about it. We email one another, chat over the web, talk on the phone and send pictures. We have met in person a few times.

Also, I should mention that K is kind of high-profile, as in he is a minor celebrity. He seems to be gaining more and more fame by the day and I am so happy for him. His career is really skyrocketing and within the next year, he will be a household name. It's fantastic for him...he deserves his success after 20 plus years in the biz. He has always remained the same fun-loving guy and he is quite mature and nonchalant about fame and isn't into Hollywood BS. He is just a single dad he says in a business that is kind of weird.

Anyway, I sent K an email on September 1st and told him that I had FINALLY gotten a webcam so we should webcam chat soon. He emailed back and said that would be excellent and wanted to know when I would be available to chat. I said that I should be around later in the week and I'd drop him a message. So, the week goes by, I end up not having much time, so we never chat. His birthday is the week of September 11th so I send him a message for his birthday and tell him I hope he has a fantastic day with his children and that I've tested the webcam out so we should chat soon. I don't hear back from him. I send him another message a few days later with just a picture of me (which is typical of us) and just say hello and I don't hear back from him on that either (which is also typical so I wasn't worried). I send him another message around the 20th saying that I had just heard some really exciting news about him (a big break for him, career-wise) and how happy I am for him. The message is all of 2 sentences long but I always congratulate him on big accomplishments. Didn't hear back from him on this one either.

I should interject here that, since K's divorce, he explicitly told me back in February that he goes for long periods of time where he doesn't talk to anyone at all in the world. He said he has friends who can't depend on hearing from him. I told him I thought that was so sad and he said yes it is sad that I self-isolate, but right now, it's just what helps me cope with this loss in my life. Since he told me that, I have definitely noticed there have been periods where he has been AWOL for awhile and when I notice this, I never push anything. I wait for him to come back around. When K and I first began this online flirtation several months ago, we had a much more frequent connection. Probably 10 to 20 messages a day on average. We met in person last winter and had a wonderful time but after we got back home, he kind of had a freak out. After we met, he wrote me a very honest email saying that he had been with his ex-wife for 15 years and it is very extremely hard for him to get close to anyone. He is trying to heal and that is why he met with me but he said he felt very anxious and a tightness in his chest as he felt himself drawing closer to me while we were together. I completely understood...I wasn't married for nearly as long as he was but I understood what K was saying about feeling anxious getting into something new. We agreed to just keep our connection on a VERY mild level and go from there. Since then, I have dated someone for awhile but I still think K hasn't dated anyone and really just seeks out purely sexual relationships that are mostly short-lived...which after a divorce from a sexless marriage, who can blame him.

So, based on all of that, I kind of thought that his lack of response to my more recent messages was just him on one of his 'hibernating from the world periods.' But the other day, I noticed that he had deleted all of his social networking sites. He hasn't been around anywhere, not even his personal website. I know that sounds super lame, but in his profession, those are actually very necessary. It shocked me because even during the worst times of his divorce, he never deleted those. I started getting really worried for him.

I should also say that my most recent ex-boyfriend has turned very ugly. He knew about my connection with K and has told one of my friends that he planned to hunt down K's email address and send him a hate email. Then he said he was joking and said he would never actually do that, but my friend told me about it anyway. For some reason, it's like a gut feeling, I just don't think my ex would do it, he's not that smart and K's email address would be very difficult to find on the web. But K's recent AWOL period has been much longer than his disappearances in the past so it got me wondering. I emailed K again a few days ago and asked if he was okay and to please let me know if he was okay. I also explained the situation about my ex and told him that I hoped he hadn't gotten a hateful email from him. I said, if he did send you an email, to please disregard everything he said, my ex is truly a mean and hateful person who wants to ruin things for me. I also said that if he wanted me to stop messaging him or sending pictures, I would totally and completely understand just let me know. (It was common for me to email him pictures and not to hear anything from him until the next time we chatted online and he always encouraged that...so I would expect him to let me know if he wanted those to stop).

But once I sent this email, I was sure that K would email me and confirm if my ex did email him. But I got nothing...

K has been extremely busy with his recent career advancements. I mean, extremely busy and on top of that, it is all new stuff for him. So he has a lot of responsibility and is probably trying to navigate all of those things. Plus he has his kids the majority of the time.

So I am just trying to figure out what might have happened to him. He is such a nice and sweet guy. Do you think he has been absent because he has been so busy with life and work? Or do you think he has gotten freaked out that my ex emailed him, if he did in fact do that? But why delete the social networking sites? Why not just block me if he was irritated with my drama from my ex? Or could it be that he now feels swept up by the Hollywood mentality now that his career is speeding forward (although I really don't think it is this...if you have ever talked to this man, you would probably have to agree with me that doesn't give a sh*t about Hollywood)? OR could it be that I am worrying way to much (like always) and the whole world doesn't revolve around me, so his absense probably has nothing to do with me anyway?! I mean, he does have a totally seperate life in another state that mostly doesn't involve me...why would I expect that his absense is about me? Most importantly, I just hope he is ok and honestly I am just worried about him. Any thoughts on what might be going on?

Thanks for any insights and sorry it was so long to read!
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Old 2nd October 2009, 1:57 PM   #2
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Don't date K-Fed. It's gross.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 2:05 PM   #3
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Haha, aww, I was hoping I could be the next in line to have one of his illegitimate children...

No, it's not K-fed...I said this guy had a career, didn't I?
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Old 2nd October 2009, 4:07 PM   #4
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Quote:
I should interject here that, since K's divorce, he explicitly told me back in February that he goes for long periods of time where he doesn't talk to anyone at all in the world. He said he has friends who can't depend on hearing from him. I told him I thought that was so sad and he said yes it is sad that I self-isolate, but right now, it's just what helps me cope with this loss in my life. Since he told me that, I have definitely noticed there have been periods where he has been AWOL for awhile and when I notice this, I never push anything. I wait for him to come back around.
To me, that's just leaving to door open to say that he can ignore you at any point and use the "busy" or "stressed" excuse. I have a hard time with people who are like this. They know they can be lame communicators, but they refuse to do anything about it. Yet, it leaves you feeling worthless to them. Sure, we've all been busy and missed an email or two. But dropping off the face of the planet is the sign of a really awful human being. It's not like you are so full of free time that you can always contact him.

But here's the difference. When you get busy, you make time to contact him. When he's busy, he finds time which never happens. People like this do it for the attention. They know people will come chasing after them, and pander to their needs and whining about how busy they are.

You need to tell him that you do no appreciate being ignored and that you deserve better. Busy or not, he can take the 4 seconds to respond.

Now, the whole ex-boyfriend thing throws a wrench into the gears. He could just wanting to avoid drama or is assuming that drama follows you around and he wants to steer clear.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 4:27 PM   #5
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Well, I do believe that he is being truthful about not talking to anyone at all in the world for long periods of time. He actually said the same thing, that he goes into hibernation and won't talk to people, in a live radio program he was on a while back. I know the man who hosts that radio show and he later told me how down K seemed. When he told me he disappears for awhile, he DOES. It is very easy to keep track of because he leads a public life. He won't be seen doing anything or involved in anything for long periods of time. People notice because that's his job. The divorce has been really hard on him...he feels like a failure and his ex is not making his life easy.

K is very very honest, almost to a fault...actually, his popularity in his profession is based on his blatant honesty. When we first met, he told me A LOT about his marriage and why he got divorced. If I had been in his shoes and lived through what all his wife did, I would certainly be skittish to start something new no matter on what level.

Also, I totally agreed to this arrangement. So it's not like I am waiting around for him to want more from me. I am fine and happy with our brief periods of conversation and flirtation. But now I am just worried about him and worried that it is somehow because of me or my ex...this absense seems different from the rest. So I don't necessarily feel comfortable demanding that he email me back...I don't think I could ever say that to him.

I just don't know what I should do now, without coming off as sounding paranoid or crazy. I should also mention that he is out of the country right now so I don't know how that affects how much time he has and his access to a communication method.

Thank you for your input.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 4:28 PM   #6
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But I do agree with you...it does make me feel worthless.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 6:35 PM   #7
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Yes, you signed up for this knowing he is busy. But that does NOT give him free range to act like you don't exist. I think you should kindly, not attackingly, let him know that you do not like how this is currently going.

Since he is oversea at this point, I'd wait until he comes back. But if this really bothers you, then you need to let him know about it. You don't deserve to be ignored. Stop making excuses for him as to why he's not responding as well. We are all fully functioning, decision making adults. These people are well aware that they are not responding.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 8:44 PM   #8
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people are way more flaky when it comes to the internet. i would give the guy one more shot for honest, direct communication. ask for his phone #, give him yours. this will be a clear end to this stage of the relationship. either he responds and you talk on the phone, or he doesnt, which lets you know that hes not available for romance. i have to say though, relationships are about both people in them. it cant always be about his breakup, his career, etc. good luck!
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Old 9th October 2009, 3:36 PM   #9
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I wouldn't try again. His contact information may have changed but yours hasn't. He knows how to get in contact with you if he wants.
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