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Always gets complicated


Kamille

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I've recently started hanging out with someone new. We kind of share the same sense of humor and she's generally easy to get along with. But I'm starting to get frustrated because making plans with her always ends up being so complicated. I don't get it. I don't get why I get so annoyed.

 

It is relevant to know that she is new in town, and so she relies on me for a lot of things.

 

Example: she wants to join my gym, but she wants me to go with her for the registration. This is after she asked me to provide her with the price range and everything. Normally, I wouldn't mind, except I'm finishing my thesis and I just don't have a minute to myself. (Or when I do, I would much rather do something else then make a detour to go help my friend register at a gym -sure, I could go to the gym while I'm there, but right now that's also turning into a luxury).

 

Other example: we make a lunch date and she proposes a restaurant that is half an hour away from where I work (so an hour back and forth for me, way too much time in transit during crunch time). I suggest a place closer to my office and she agrees to meet me there, but asks me to meet her at another spot (a detour for me), because she doesn't know where the interection I mentioned is. Understandable, but which part of "trying to get thesis done" didn't register?

 

Is it just the stress of finishing the thesis that's turning me into a bitch??? I just feel like she's relying on me for stuff that she should be able to figure out or do on her own.

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Another example... I finally agree and offer to meet her after work. My fault, I phrased it "how about after 6pm" to which she replies "7pm". Okay... So what exactly am I suppose to do for one hour? (I am replying back to say, how about 6?)

 

I guess what annoys me is that I never feel like she really thinks about me in trying to set plans up. Once in awhile is understandable, but when it's every single time, it get annoying.

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Kamille, it sounds more like she does not feel confident yet in the new town. Some people take a while to adjust, she is just trying to get whatever help she needs. It seems like both of you met at the wrong time in their lives (her, a newbie in town and you very busy with your thesis). I am pretty sure once she adjusts and you finish your thesis things will work out just fine.

 

:)

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Kamille, you need to get more assertive. If she's solely thinking about her needs, then you have to think about your needs and not be afraid to state them, since she's stating hers.

 

The longer you wait to do this, the more of an unhappy pattern you're going to be left with.

 

Next time, if you're time challenged and she suggests something time challenging, just say "Sorry but I don't have that much time. If we do this [insert specific suggestion], we can still get together. What do you think?".

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I do always have to be assertive and suggest alternatives that suit me better - and then she always counter-proposes something. That's what gets annoying. It's like we're locked in this game of always negotiating every outing.

 

But I think Jenny_34 has it right: it is bad timing. She's likely just looking for a middle ground at a time in my life when I don't have one to offer.

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If she counter-proposes, just say no, you can't make it but thanks for the offer. If this happens enough times, she'll get the picture.

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This is what I think. I think you two can be good friends and it may take time for both of you to adjust.

 

Be assertive to her saying you need to work on your thesis and tell her that you are busy working on it.

 

She can go to the gym by herself, and other places, without hand holding. The counter proposing can stop if you say no to her counters. Sometimes friends are just busy with other things.

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