Guest Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 I have a problem. I met a guy Thursday and we totally clicked. The more we talked, the more we liked each other, bc we realized how much we have in common. I mean, same beliefs, goals, ideals, etc. I met his family this weekend and even went to church with him Sunday. The problem? About 7 years ago, he took my best friend's virginity from her...and never spoke to her again. He's appologized to her profusely since then (before I came in the picture) and when we talked the night we met, he told me about how it was one of his greatest regrets. He's a really cool person, and there are too many coincidences and little things between us that make us both think that sometime more is going on here. We are both very attracted to each other and talk about taking this farther. However, my best friend told me she'd never forgive me if I do this. I think it's wrong of her to ask me to make a choice. Especially since this happened so long ago, and she actually speaks to him and has conversations with him...and has for a few years. It's too soon for us to be in a relationship and we arent....we haven't even kissed, but the possibility is definately there to have more. I've always been afraid of relationships, but I seriously feel like he's definately someone who is supposed to be in my life...as a friend if anything. And the thought of a relationship in the future just feels right. I think if I got out of his life bc of her, I'd resent her for it, but then again, if I was wrong...then I'd lose him AND my best friend. Can anyone shed some light for me? Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 One mistake that alot of us make in life is feeling like there's this one and only when in fact, there are plenty. Just like you've attracted him, you can attract someone else who could be even more better than him. I know some people will disagree with me on this and feel you should go for it, and that your friend should get over it, but why would you want someone who has been with your best friend even if it were 7 years ago? And I could see if this was just some any ole' joe on the block, but come one this was her first! The one she lost her virginity to. That's pretty significant. And you did say she was your best friend? Why would you let a guy come between you and your bestfriend? This is not 90210, or some Dawson's Creek stuff you see on TV where people jump from one relationship with a friend to the next and all is good in the world, and everyone is suppose to be happy with it. This is real life, and things you do can affect other people. Especially people you love like your bestfriend. And it's possible that you could lose them both. You have to ask yourself if that's a risk worth taking. Trust me, there are plenty of other nice guys out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 In my opinion, she's not a very good friend if you have told her it means a lot to you to get to know this guy and she is against it. And if after seven years she's still got problems with what he did, she's not a very forgiving person either. Now, if she's talking to the guy and doesn't want you seeing him...she still may have some sort of flame for him and won't admit it. You need to ask her if that's the case. If it is, you have to approach this delicately because I can understand how she feels. Sometimes, these things are just a basic territorial thing. A woman who has lost her virginity with a guy will usually not be keen on a close girlfriend seeing him later, no matter what the circumstances are. In any case, I don't think you're going to be able to preserve your friendship with her and see this guy too. There's something going on that she's not talking about. See just what the case is by talking to her and pulling it out and then try to deal with it from that level. It's you and no other person who will ultimately have to decide between your friendship with this girl and this new guy if it actually comes down to that. Link to post Share on other sites
beaker Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Personally I agree with you; I think it's wrong of your friend to ask you to make a choice, unless she has a good reason for it. When you spoke with her about this, what exactly happened? Did she say why she would never forgive you? Did she say it was a result of what happened seven years ago? It doesn't sound like he handled that situation very well at all, but it was seven years ago. That's a long time, particularly when one or both of them was probably young and stupid when it happened. Still, that could easily have left major scars that she would rather not have to deal with -- but then again, the fact she has been talking to him for a few years tends to say that's not quite it. Perhaps she knows a lot about him that you don't, and her objection is more akin to disbelief and outrage that you would fall for his Prince Charming act. For that matter, if he's so charming that you would get like this after knowing him for four days, perhaps he has had the same effect on her and there's an element of jealousy. I really could speculate for hours, but what you need to do is talk to your friend and find out exactly what her concerns are. She could be completely reasonable or the complete opposite -- you need to talk it out with her in the most mature manner possible and discover her concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 I think you ought to have a very frank discussion with your friend about why she would object to you seeing this guy. Only then can you decide if she's being reasonable or not. Tread softly with her: she may have a lot of issues caught up in this one. Being dissed by the first guy she ever slept with probably did quite a number on her self-esteem, at least in certain areas. What is her motive for being friends with him: is it to convince him what a mistake he made, perhaps with the secondary wish to have a go at a real relationship with him? Or is it to prove to herself that, even though she was rejected as a lover, she's worthwhile enough for him to want to count among his friends? There are many possible reasons, or combinations thereof, but I can imagine that many of them would not have her feeling good if he started seeing her best friend. Female solidarity is a precious thing. I don't think it should be the only criteria applied when making a decision, but discounting your best friend's feelings wouldn't be wise. First, you have to find out what they are, specifically. Probably the best thing you can do right now, as her friend, is let her know that he feelings are important to you. Especially since, once upon a time, this guy made it clear to her that her feelings weren't important at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Here is it in her words.... ****I dont have any feelings for him and i could care less if he dropped dead today but i would never forgive you..if you went there with him...its just something that friends dont do out of respect for each other. It would almost be like if i were married and got a divorce and then a few years later my best friend move in with my ex husband i mean thats just real f**ed up theres just some **** that you dont do. I mean i cant stop you and him from dating or any of my other friends from doing it but if thats how its gonna be then i dont need friends like that in my life...I wouldnt do that to my friends and I dont expect them to do that to me. I mean if you can f**k him and live with yourself knowing that he was the first person i ever slept with and kowing how he treated me and that hes a faggot then hell i guess you deserve his ass. YOU KNOW I REALLY DONT CARE WHO HE DATES I MEAN SERIOUSLY HE CAN DATE WHO THE HELL HE WANTS BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY ****IN BEST FRIEND! Ive slept with 3 whole people in my life and its like i cant have nothing of my own i always have to share those 3 people with my friends and its just a real weird feeling. **** Just some background on her...she is Obsessive Compulsive. Every guy she's dated, she had been "used" by...including the one she is still with...and has been with for coming up on 6 years. And she's lost 2 best friends bc of her current boyfriend messin around with him. Now its me... The thing is that they never dated. She says they did, but her math doesn't add up, so for some reason, she must feel frantic about lying to me about this. I'm really confused and the ONLY thing I can think of is that it brings up bad feelings about what she's gone through with her current boyfriend. But my guy and her never dated. She's a hostile and unforgiving person...and I really don't know what to think. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 I read your latest post above very carefully and I sort of feel your friend has some valid feelings. I do understand her position...how she feels. This is a hard one but if it were me I would go find somebody else toi date...and I think I might keep an eye on the friendship as well. I don't think I would ever get involved with somebody a friend of mine had been involved with in this fashion. As others have said, there are just so many other people to date. I'm not sure I would want a friend like you who didn't give careful consideration to my feelings, especially after you set them forth as you did above. Ask yourself, are you the kind of friend you would want for yourself??? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 What do you mean, as I stated above? I understand her hurt too. I have been backing away from our friendship for about 4 months now. I'm tired of watching her boyfriend do the things he does to her, and then when I'm there for her and they are fighting, when they make up, she tells him everything I say, THEN HE gets mad at ME! I can't understand how she has put up with everything he has done to her, and it hurts me, and I've come to the conclusion that she likes being a victim. I also feel like she's a hypocondriac. She has no job, and is 24 years old, and uses whatever medical excuses she can find as an excuse. (She had a great job in town recently, but got fired from it because the job required her to stand up, and she wanted to use a chair instead because she has "feet problems.") After we had the above discussion, she asked me why I had been backing out of our friendship the past few months, and I tried to explain those things to her, and she basically told me that she wasn't in the wrong, and I can accept her as she is or not. And, I guess I've not been accepting her, by not calling her or hanging out with her. Her sister even had a baby, and I haven't gone to see it yet. I'm just really confused. I have dated many other guys, and none of them are like this one, and I'm afraid that if I don't date him just because of how she feels, I might resent her for it later. From the way it sounds, she will always resent me just for hanging out with him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 She felt used by him. I think she's saying that she would feel that a friend who got involved with him was basically condoning his past treatment of her. Perhaps (and certainly in her eyes) his behavior, no matter how long ago it was and how "sorry" he was subsequently, ought to put him automatically and irrevocably in the "no thanks" category for anyone who knows & loves her. You sound like you're trying to rationalize this; justify why it would be OK to override her feelings on the matter. You can do that if you want to, but don't expect her to buy into it. I don't know what her possible OCD status (is that your diagnosis?) has to do with the situation at hand, but if, as you say, she has a history of being with guys who use her, you might want to bear that in mind when it comes to this guy. I know that there are some unfortuante, silly women whose delusions and desperate hopes cause them to see relationships where none exist. It sounds like you're saying your friend is (or at least was) such a woman. OK. Do you want to tell her that? Because if you start dating this guy, that is, in effect, what you'll be saying to her. There are no two ways about it. There is no line of logic you can present her with that will make it OK for you to date this guy -- OK in her eyes, that is. If you think she is being selfish and unreasonable, you'll have to tell her that. If you don't think she is prone to being selfish and unreasonable, if she is otherwise a good friend whose opinions and feelings you respect, then you probably ought to heed her opinion and feelings about this issue. You might even consider that she knows more about him than you do, despite your intense connection. Right now you've only seen his good side. She has seen his bad side. One more thing: an earlier post mentioned the possibility that this guy is the type who comes on hard and fast, and that is indeed what it sounds like to me. That's terribly exciting to be involved in, believe me I know. And it doesn't have to mean that he's a bad sort. But that kind of immediate intensity can blind you to glaring problems, and it overwhelms you so that you're not always thinking straight. Even if his pursuit of you is sincere, even if he's not trying to pull some fast moves on you, the circumstances really do suggest that going very slowly would be a good idea. If you do decide to go for it, don't surrender yourself to this guy and the relationship right away. Certainly don't surrender yourself just to justify choosing the guy over your best friend (you know, "I had no choice, our feelings are just so intense, the connection is so strong."). You definitely want to have your head on straight for this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Each time I post, you make a compelling argument for me to change my mind. I'm backing away from this one. It's way too big for me. I think you should use your own intuition based on all YOU know and perhaps haven't shared with us yet to arrive at a decison on what you want to do. If this is a friendship you've been backing away from and she actually behaves the way you describe, then perhaps you don't place a great value on it and losing it wouldn't be any great loss. So maybe you should consider dating this guy and finding another best friend. I'm outta here!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 She has been given the OCD diagnosis by a doctor, and will not take medication. She laughs about it and says she doesn't need it, but I tend to disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 You're friend is right. Although there is no written rule about it, there are just some things you don't do. I guess you wouldn't have problems sleeping with your sister's ex-boyfriend, and if you would, think of your bestfriend as your sister. THERE ARE OTHER FREAKING MEN OUT THERE!!!!! I agree with the other postings. You're bringing up all of these imperfections that your friend has, but in the first post you still regard her as your best friend. And EVERYONE has imperfections. Nobody's perfect, and it's not fair for you to use your friend's imperfections as an excuse to do something you want to do that you know would hurt her. It sounds to me that both you and this guy are selfish and only thinking about yourself. Because if he really regret what he did to her, if he really was sorry for what he did, he would have in mind her feelings from then on, and would not try to get with her bestfriend. He would be smart enough to leave well enough alone. It is not that desperate out there that another guy can not be found. And just as one of the other postings said, it sounds like you're making decisions with your emotions instead of your good head. You're letting all of these "intense" feelings cloud your judgment. If you're friend is having problems, be long-suffering and be there for her and not let this guy come between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Kimber Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 I would keep your friendship,and with the guy well.... give it a sho with another friendship... I could never go there with a guy that slept with my friend. It's up to you in the end but think about your friend and what you may ose out in? In the end? Link to post Share on other sites
ASDJKL Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 It's another one of those really sticky, difficult situations that everyone goes through. But you're lucky; look at all the people who are willing to help YOU! It sounds like you are really attracted to this guy and want to spend more time getting to know him. Sure, there are "plenty of other fish in the sea," but when you get a really good fish, it would be a terrible waste to throw it back! EVERYONE makes mistakes sometimes, and obviously this guy made a really big one involving your friend. But, your friend needs to let this go and be a little more understanding. He made a huge mistake, and he really regrets it. It's done; it's over with; let's move on. If you listen to your friend, you could be throwing away something that could have been really great. YOU will be unhappy thinking about this guy and feeling like you just can't have him. Your friend should want you to be happy. Like everyone always seems to say, talk to your friend! As soon as possible. If she really understands you, she'll know where you're coming from. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts