D-Lish Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Anyone have friends like this? The ones that want your undivided attention when single and are nowhere to be found while in a relationship? My former best friend just resurfaced after 2 years. We've known each other for 10 years. Her relationship is ending and she is pestering me to come to her rescue. I'm pretty annoyed. She was nowhere to be found when I was going through hell the last couple years- and all of a sudden she wants to be best friends again. I don't know how to deal with her. She text me out of the blue a couple weeks ago to come help her pack up her things because she was in crisis leaving her bf. She got angry when I refused because I was 3 hours away at the beach with people from work. WTF- She has rarely talked to me in the past 2 years, I have seen her maybe 10 times. I can't believe she has the audacity to expect I'd jump through hoops for her when she's been MIA. Just venting. Anyone else know people like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Anyone else know people like this? Yes, I have known people like this. But then, when I find out they are like this I cut them out of my life like the toxic tumors they are. It sucks that they are out there. ANd it sucks that sometimes it is quite awhile until they show how they truly are when push comes to shove. I guess they never learned the lesson -- you have to be a good friend in order to have good friends. You'll find there are more and more of these - and less true friends. But when you come across the good ones you pick them up as you go along. I have four women in my life that are great friends. We can go longer periods of time not talking or just living life. But if either one of us needs the other then that person is there. Time tested and proven. Sorry D-Lish. Sometimes people just SUCK. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes, I do. Er, correction: I have. People like that aren't really true friends, D. But I think you know that. They're more like well-known acquaintences. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes, I have known people like this. But then, when I find out they are like this I cut them out of my life like the toxic tumors they are. That's right. I had a couple of BFFs like your friend, D. I can't afford being the one that is always there for them so I cut them off. That may be harsh but I gotta protect myself as well - I don't want to get hurt again and again. You have to do what's best for you. She seems like a rather selfish woman and you've been too good of a friend to her, D. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I would just tell her what you said in your post- in fact I did this with a couple of former close friends who dropped off the face of the earth, and didn't maintain their end of the friendships like I did. One got in touch after no contact for ages asking me to donate money to some charity project she was working on at the time, and the other one was simply hopeless, and even came to stay in my home town with another friend of hers and didn't call. First friend- I declined to donate money, saying I was p*ssed that after 3 years her only form of contact was to ask me for something. We still talk but are more aquaintances now. Other friend- I didn't ever tell her how mad I was that she was so hopeless, but I didn't invite her to my wedding, and we don't contact eachother much anymore. Life is too short to waste on people who don't enrich your life in some way- cut them out, you may feel you owe her an explanation, maybe you won't. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 IME, such friends merely move on to other targets....er, friends like the vampires they are. I encourage that. It saves on silver stakes I have a three strikes and you're out rule. If you contact me three times in a row and want something without showing a proactive modicum of interest in my life, you get a permanent silence sandwich. Yummy Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I like that Carhill. I think I have already utilised that subconsciously. Now, if only I could apply the same rule to my workmates.... I have recently imposed a new rule regarding personal issues in the workplace in an attempt to keep the drama levels down. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I had a close friend like this. She had a boyfriend early last year and then she disappeared on me and all our other friends; we would make plans and then she would bail at the last minute to be with her boyfriend. But then when they broke up over the summer she would IM me all the time whining about being alone and missing her ex. That fall she came to visit me at school (she'd graduated in the spring) and she got ridiculously drunk. I vigilantly looked after her until 6 A.M. the next morning, trying to feed her water and bread, listening to her puke in my toilet, listening to her cry over her ex again, and having to deal with her bullying me to call him and try to get him to my place so he could take care of her! Like he'd ever do that! And then she tried to wake me up so I could go to the campus fall festival with her for 'moral support' if she ran into her ex! I only looked after her because I wouldn't have her get alcohol poisoning and/or die on my watch...I told her that she is never, ever to come visit me overnight again. We talk only once in awhile now. I realized after that episode how crazy she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 D., think of what your take is on people who don't reciprocate with input on LS. It's the same thing. Takers v. givers. Friendships are two-way streets. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Anyone have friends like this? The ones that want your undivided attention when single and are nowhere to be found while in a relationship? I can think of a few. Two of them I'd always be there for if they turned to me for help. There's too much old history between us all that means a lot to me - even though in recent years we've grown apart almost completely. Knowing what fundamentally decent people they are, I'd imagine that's reciprocal...but at the same time, I just wouldn't ask them. I'd be absolutely mortified to suddenly contact someone I hadn't seen for years and ask them to help me out of a crisis. If I needed help, I'd turn to the people who are in my life now, and who are the people I regularly help out. The reciprocal friendships. I don't know how to deal with her. She text me out of the blue a couple weeks ago to come help her pack up her things because she was in crisis leaving her bf. She got angry when I refused because I was 3 hours away at the beach with people from work. WTF- She has rarely talked to me in the past 2 years, I have seen her maybe 10 times. I can't believe she has the audacity to expect I'd jump through hoops for her when she's been MIA. She's either going to reflect on this, once the hurt has passed, and start questioning herself for seeking help from someone she hadn't bothered with for two years....or she'll continue holding the moral high ground, regardless of how ridiculous and hypocritical it is for her to do that. This is just me, and I've no idea whether it's the right or wrong thing to do - but I'd extend some gesture of friendship (say I was happy to meet up for a coffee and a chat, or whatever else) that wasn't overly onerous for me to make. If she responded by ranting about people who weren't true friends, and made a dig about you being in that category, you could always tell her to have a serious think about how much of a friend she's been in the past couple of years, and leave it there. Kind of giving her the opportunity to rebuild the bridge, but also giving her the bulk of the responsibility for doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 This is just me, and I've no idea whether it's the right or wrong thing to do - but I'd extend some gesture of friendship (say I was happy to meet up for a coffee and a chat, or whatever else) that wasn't overly onerous for me to make. If she responded by ranting about people who weren't true friends, and made a dig about you being in that category, you could always tell her to have a serious think about how much of a friend she's been in the past couple of years, and leave it there. Kind of giving her the opportunity to rebuild the bridge, but also giving her the bulk of the responsibility for doing so. This is a good idea, I think. By giving her most of the responsibility for mending things, you'll be able to see if she can--or most importantly, will do her part to make the friendship reciprocal again. If she doesn't bother making an effort, then you'll know for sure that writing her off completely is the best idea all around. Link to post Share on other sites
imani Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Looks like quite a few of us have had people like this in our lives. Operative word being had. They are just too draining. And just as another posted touched on, it gets even more annoying when you do keep in touch with them and they try to guilt trip you into not being there for them when "everyone else wa"s. Makes you wonder if "everyone else was there for them" then why is it such a major deal if you weren't available for their "crisis". They're just drama queens and if I were you I'd just make sure I was "busy" whenever they tried to call me for something. Besides, what friend just demands you drop everything and come drive 3 hrs to help them move out of their BF's place? I mean sure, we'd all do things like that for our close friends, but I know my friends wouldn't get mad if I can't just drop everything to do it. How old is she? Two? Link to post Share on other sites
imani Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 IME, such friends merely move on to other targets....er, friends like the vampires they are. I encourage that. It saves on silver stakes I have a three strikes and you're out rule. If you contact me three times in a row and want something without showing a proactive modicum of interest in my life, you get a permanent silence sandwich. Yummy Ha! Love this! Link to post Share on other sites
kahn2154 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I have no friends, but remember and hated when I guess friends in school would be friendly and talk to me when none of their other friends were in a class or whatever, and then not even acknowledge my existence if any of their other friends were present. Link to post Share on other sites
Author D-Lish Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Well she is a bit of a drama queen- always has been. I actually think my distaste for people on LS that post only of their own problems and never reciprocate stems from my relationship with this girl! Alas, I do have boundary issues though. We have talked about this problem many times, mostly because she's done the disappearing act so many times. I agreed to have dinner with her next week, when it is convenient for me. I am going to address this with her without holding back when I talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
tblucky Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Yes, I have known people like this. But then, when I find out they are like this I cut them out of my life like the toxic tumors they are. It sucks that they are out there. ANd it sucks that sometimes it is quite awhile until they show how they truly are when push comes to shove. I guess they never learned the lesson -- you have to be a good friend in order to have good friends. You'll find there are more and more of these - and less true friends. But when you come across the good ones you pick them up as you go along. I have four women in my life that are great friends. We can go longer periods of time not talking or just living life. But if either one of us needs the other then that person is there. Time tested and proven. Sorry D-Lish. Sometimes people just SUCK. Well said. It can be especially tough when your best friends are far away due to life circumstances, and the only people close by are these people. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmy's_Brother Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm arguing with a creative collaborator friend right now and it sucks. Might have to fire him. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I am kind of going through this now. I met girl a few years ago and we became fast friends, then she started a new hobby and pretty much hangs out with people she has met through her new hobbie. Just in Jan. she told me I was her best freind. A few months later she forgot my b-day, but we still talked often enough. A few months later, she is going places with her new friends every weekend and never invites me. I talk to her about once a month. The last time I saw her was for her b-day, she texted me the day before to see if I wanted to do anything (which I offered, at the time she was unsure because her *new* friends were going camping and she wasn't sure if she was going). So come her b-day I hang out with her, and pay for everything for the day. That was a few weeks ago, and I have had one text from her (not a thank you or anything). A few months ago I took her to a concert (paid for the ticket), when leaving there were tickets for a re-show for $10, which is next weekend. She bought two and I bought two, and she hasn't yet asked me to go together, with her guest and mine. At this point we are going to the same concert, but seperately. If this happen's I will be writing her out of my life and moving on. She has pretty much done that to me...or that is how I feel anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Anyone have friends like this? The ones that want your undivided attention when single and are nowhere to be found while in a relationship? My former best friend just resurfaced after 2 years. We've known each other for 10 years. Her relationship is ending and she is pestering me to come to her rescue. I'm pretty annoyed. She was nowhere to be found when I was going through hell the last couple years- and all of a sudden she wants to be best friends again. I don't know how to deal with her. She text me out of the blue a couple weeks ago to come help her pack up her things because she was in crisis leaving her bf. She got angry when I refused because I was 3 hours away at the beach with people from work. WTF- She has rarely talked to me in the past 2 years, I have seen her maybe 10 times. I can't believe she has the audacity to expect I'd jump through hoops for her when she's been MIA. Just venting. Anyone else know people like this? This is total B-cr--. I had a friend like this. We were soooooooo close then she got a bf and dissapeared for 8 months., The close late night calls to eachother were GONE. She was too busy with him....All holidays were gone because she was too busy with him to celebrate anything with me.. I realize this is somewhat normal behavior when you are in a new relationship but you should NOT abandon your friends . Its not healthy... He was very jealous and would not let her spend time with me. 8 months later I called her house and he answerred. I said " I have not seen _____ for 8 months . Just wondered if she wants to go to a movie " He said SURE ME AND MY 2 kids and her would LOVE to go ! ( I thought _ Hey I didn't invite YOU or your kids ( love kids btw hehe ) I just want to see HER you dumb---. He said I will call her and have her call you back. She did NOT go because HE could not make it ! After this I GAVE UP ! Her : I will call you right back could me 2 DAYS before she responded. I was sick of it. Then they were going to break up and SUDDENLY she needed me to escort her to the new place she was thinking about living. She did NOT want me to leave her side . I thought " Wow I have looked at apartments and condos on MY own " Soon afterwards the REALITY that she would be living ALONE really freaked her out and she went BACK to him ! I threw my hands up in disgust. I should mention that about 2 years ago I came across an article that says : Dont wait for HIM by the phone. Well I applied that to HER and I don't wait for her by the phone. In all fairness though , she has helped me through some of the things I am going through. Will I ever feel the LOVE I felt for her before she abandoned our friendship for this needy insecure guy ? no... Its forever changed. If she comes to my doorstep I will offer obiligatory sympathy but our friendship was forever damaged by his jealousy and controlling stuff. I am not trying to sound mean. I still care about her but not in the deep way I used to.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 IME, such friends merely move on to other targets....er, friends like the vampires they are. I encourage that. It saves on silver stakes I have a three strikes and you're out rule. If you contact me three times in a row and want something without showing a proactive modicum of interest in my life, you get a permanent silence sandwich. Yummy Wow Carhill my friend does that too. I mostly just smile and nod and decide if she is going to bother me some more about something she wants. I Really REALLY like your idea of the 3 strikes your out. In all fairness though , most conversations begin with : " So how are you girl ? Whats been going on , talk to me. " Still that scar is there . That impenatrable wall. I don't give her my heart anymore. I will go to lunch with her but I also remember she can go 3 weeks without making any plans. EVERY plan is centered around her bf....ughh ! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I am kind of going through this now. I met girl a few years ago and we became fast friends, then she started a new hobby and pretty much hangs out with people she has met through her new hobbie. Just in Jan. she told me I was her best freind. A few months later she forgot my b-day, but we still talked often enough. A few months later, she is going places with her new friends every weekend and never invites me. I talk to her about once a month. The last time I saw her was for her b-day, she texted me the day before to see if I wanted to do anything (which I offered, at the time she was unsure because her *new* friends were going camping and she wasn't sure if she was going). So come her b-day I hang out with her, and pay for everything for the day. That was a few weeks ago, and I have had one text from her (not a thank you or anything). A few months ago I took her to a concert (paid for the ticket), when leaving there were tickets for a re-show for $10, which is next weekend. She bought two and I bought two, and she hasn't yet asked me to go together, with her guest and mine. At this point we are going to the same concert, but seperately. If this happen's I will be writing her out of my life and moving on. She has pretty much done that to me...or that is how I feel anyways. This girl sounds like a total Life Soul Sucker taking the life out of you and using money as a means. A total USER ! You are DEFINATELY the GIVER. She is the taker. I bet she saps the life out of alot of people. Its just easier for her to do it to you,... Don't make it easy, When you see she texts , calls , emails , IGNORE her... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 In all fairness though , most conversations begin with : " So how are you girl ? Whats been going on , talk to me.Be careful about that. Some people are schmoozers. They don't care but know the right words to say to lubricate socially ignorant people into believing that they care. BTDT, was socially ignorant for years It's when they know details like "hey carhill, you know that new med you were telling me you were trying on your mom the last time we talked? How is that working out for her?" Or "I was at this thrift store and saw a really cool Australia hat and I know how you like Australia so I picked it up for you". That's what friends do. That's what I do for friends. Others get sandwiches Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 My former best friend just resurfaced after 2 years. all of a sudden she wants to be best friends again. Anyone else know people like this? I've had friends come back into my life at times and I always take them back. I was friends with them for a reason, mainly, because I liked them. So that feeling is still there. People sometimes have to go and do their things, and life has many turns. Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessOfDarkness Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 I have never had a friend do this to me but I admit to be the one to "abandon" friends. It is almost always due to my own issues rather than due to them. I sometimes have this need to put some distance and be by myself. I do not deal well with close relationships of any kind. I would then come back to the friendship if the friendship is worth coming back to. Friends that are understanding of this and forgiving are the ones I treasure Link to post Share on other sites
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