last straw with housemate/friend...unless I'm overreacting?

[sunshinegirl]

Apologies in advance for the length of this rant/request for feedback.

 

My housemate - who lives in the apartment above me - is a friend, albeit a casual one. We've been neighbors for almost 4 years, and in that time, I've come to see her as a very flaky, forgetful, and kind of irresponsible neighbor. We've had a number of low level conflicts in that time, mostly over mundane stuff like shoveling the driveway, taking out trash, etc.

 

But things came to a head last year when she cat-sat for me while I was on a west coast trip - she lost my cat and called me 24 hours after he disappeared to tell me she could no longer look for him because she had to get ready for an overseas trip. To make a long story short I got my cat back two days later, but not without any help from her. I was angry for a very very long time. (And I never let her take care of my cat again.)

 

This past 4th of July weekend she asked if a friend of hers could stay in my apartment. I was going to be away for the same dates her friend was in town. I was reluctant because, frankly, I don't trust her to keep my cat or my stuff safe, but I thought maybe I'm just overreacting to past events, so I said sure.

 

The day I left on my trip, I left a very detailed note for her and her friend about how to set the alarm on my apartment (after two robberies I got a security system installed) and how to make sure the cat didn't get out...

 

...and by the time my flight had landed the day I left on my trip, there was a voicemail on my phone from the security company saying my burglar alarm had been tripped, and the police and my landlords were summoned to my place because my housemate and her friend had bungled the codes.

 

I called the housemate to find out what happened, and she explained, and said that the landlord had spent a lot of time with them making sure they knew how to set the alarm (again, which I had detailed step-by-step in my typewritten note), and the housemate assured me everything was cool. I was embarrassed and upset that the landlords had been involved -- they have been VERY good to me and they were obviously inconvenienced by having to drive over to handle a non-emergency. But, okay, things seemed like they were going to be fine from that point on.

 

So I came home at midnight last night from my trip, only to open my apartment door and realize that the alarm was not set as it should have been. And then my landlord called me today to tell me that the housemate and her friend must not have been setting the alarm codes at all, because when the landlord stopped by to take care of my cat each day, the alarm was always off instead of armed.

 

Aaarrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

I am at my wit's end. I know she's not trying to be incompetent (and she's an attorney for cripe's sake but seems to lack common sense) but something always goes wrong when I let her use or borrow my stuff. I've had enough robbery/break-ins (2 apartment robberies plus my car was broken into in my driveway) to be sensitive about my alarm being appropriately set. And I left very very explicit instructions - the same instructions I've left the cleaning person and my landlords, both of whom have had no problems whatsoever setting the alarm as they come and go.

 

Am I overreacting to decide that I will not let her use my apartment again?

 

And should I raise this matter with her now, or just let it go and politely decline any future requests without making a federal issue of it?

[Ronni_W]

And should I raise this matter with her now, or just let it go and politely decline any future requests without making a federal issue of it?

It depends if you'll be able to really let it go, or if you need to say something to her at this time.

 

Since you are neighbours, it may be worthwhile to take some time over how you want to express everything. Definitely I would not give her or her friends access to your apartment again. It is your private space and your sanctuary, and you have every right to feel that it is safe and protected in your absence. She has had opportunities, but has not instilled any confidence in you that she can maintain that safety or protection.

 

As for the house alarm, I once did that to my cousin. Had been visiting her for a few days, and left during the day when she was at work. Even though she'd gone over it with me thoroughly, I screwed up setting the alarm, cops showed up, had to track-down her place of employment, she had to rush home, etc. Of course I apologized profusely, and she understood. And now everybody knows not to count on me when it comes to those things...not that I'm a moron (about most everything else) but I just can't get the hang of house alarms due to some weird mental block.

 

Long-winded way of saying maybe your neighbour is just a 'house alarm moron', too. Though your understanding/forgiveness may also require her to acknowledge her screw-up and the stress/anxiety it caused you.

[littlekitty]

I'd just refuse future requests. Doesn't seem much point in creating bad feelings when you live so close?

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks to both for the feedback. Yeah, I decided it's not worth raising now when it would only make her feel bad.

 

Ronni - I understand that things like alarms can be tricky, but what I don't understand is how even after getting detailed written instructions PLUS a personalized tutorial, that a person still can't manage to do it.

 

I think this is just on top of a lot of other friction we have of being neighbors - she is very loud at night, like past midnight, and even if she tries to keep the noise level down, we have little to no insulation between floors so everything sounds like 50 pound balls crashing to the floor. I find it hard to sleep at night, so in my mind this is just adding to the list of annoyances.

 

We already had one "come to Jesus" conversation a few months ago where we let off all the steam and upset we had built up with each other over a period of months (and she had reasons to be annoyed with me). In some areas we've both improved, but I think I still haven't let go of some of this stuff so things like the alarm make me extra annoyed.

[Star Gazer]

I'm another alarm moron. Police came out the fourth day we were in the house (just moved in). Welcome to the neighborhood! It took me over a month of daily use of my BF's alarm to feel comfortable with using it. He too, gets a little irked at me when I forget to set it. It's just not second nature to me.

 

But at the same time, I can understand how this event might be "the last straw."