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I Feel Like He Is Lying To Me


Jordanjames

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Jordanjames

I did the whole no contact for an entire month from early May to early June. I am so mad at myself yes I did miss him but I was doing so good from May to June not talking to him for an entire month.

 

I saw this "friend" on his birthday in May and I just felt like as though I was doing most of the phone calling. We were involved last year but it didn't work out because of an assortment of issues. He told me he did not want a romantic relationship and I have tried to be his friend. Now I feel like I have to stop lying to myself.

 

Yes I have known this guy for seven years we had been friends for a long time but when we got involved last year it just changed everything. I just have to tell myself I got to break it off completely. I admit this is hard because I have known him for a long time. I have been making attempts to meet new people. I have been involved in a support group for the past three months. I made a new acquaintance with a woman at the group and we saw a movie together a few weeks ago. We also chat on the phone. I also went out with another acquaintance last week for a walk in the park and that was nice.

 

I do have empathy for him I do care about him I guess I shouldn't care about him at all. I do realize it must be tough for him to be Indian and gay becaue he can't come out to his parents even though he is 26 years old.

 

One of the issues is he will be put into an arranged marriage by his parents because he's Indian.

 

He doesn't want to get married and he's not out to his parents because he is gay.

 

I contacted this guy via voice mail and he called me the next day in June. He asked to see me and I saw him. He took me to some bar on Yonge Street in Toronto where people smoke weed. He told me that a "friend" of his had introduced him to this bar another gay guy. Anyway, I call him on Monday night and he tells me his other "friend" is on vacation in India for seven weeks.

 

Why is he telling me this? So is that the only reason why he saw me in June or talks to me because this other gay Indian guy is out of the country? And to top it off I'm not Indian and they are both Indian they can both speak Punjabi and Hindi to each other.

 

He calls me Thursday night but during our conversation this other guy called him from India. He tells me he will call me back. I will admit that he did call me back in about 20 to 30 minutes. However, after he called me back we talked for half an hour and it was close to Midnight he was falling asleep on the phone and I just ended the conversation.

 

I just feel like he is lying to me about this other guy. I know in my head that the logical side of me is saying I've got to move on and stop being his "friend" completely but I guess in my heart this is hard the emotional attachment. I have to stop torturing myself this has to stop!

 

Although he claims he has not slept with this other Indian gay guy it doesn't mean that he doesn't have romantic feelings for him. He claims he isn't sexually attracted to this guy but I don't buy it. I don't believe what he tells me. I just feel like in my gut he's not telling me the whole truth. Of course in a perfect world I will admit that if he told me had "feelings" for this gay Indian guy I would split and never talk to him again because I would at least know the score.

I just feel he is withholding information from me?

 

I guess I just have to go back to no contact continue seeking therapy and move on from him. I have to stop lying to myself I can't be just his friend. He even told me a few weeks ago that things are awkward between us and he's right. We had sex together no we haven't had sex in over a year but he says the sex "permeates". I guess I just have to go back to no contact and just stop being his friend it's the only way.

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YOu guys are not in a r and he knows that if he says he has feelings for someone else he may lose you as a friend. If you can't just be friends (since he has told you that he didn't want a r with you) just let it go.

 

Your feelings are too strong for him to fool yourself into thinking that you guys can be friends. I would suggest you take as much time as you need to get him out of your system and them maybe in the future you can revisit the chance to be friends.

 

In the meantime stop acting as if you guys are in a r and pressuring him about his feelings for another. Its not fair to either of you.

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Jordanjames

Thanks for your opinion we may not be in a relationship but don't you think he's being a bit dishonest? If he loses me as his "friend" that's life it will be hard but I think it's going to end up this way anyway so why prolong the inevitable? I feel it leaves me "wondering" too much. And I don't think that's fair. I do want to move on and I have been definitely trying to meet new people I just have to try harder. Some people may argue he can say it's "none" of my business but I disagree there is something called common courtesy. And I do believe it is leading me on by NOT TELLING ME the truth.

 

I never asked him when he told me this other guy was on vacation in India he offered the information. The question is why did he feel the need to tell me this other Indian guy was on vacation in India for seven weeks? So he suddenly calling me now because this other guy is not around? How do you think it makes ME FEEL?

 

But it was Thursday night it finally "clicked" when this other Indian guy called him India he told me he would call me back. He did call back but then the conversation was just awkward. And when we went downtown last month when we went to a bar he told me the other guy introduced him to his particular bar and he wanted to take me to the same bar. I don't think you are seeing the whole story here.

 

Why does he buy me stuff when it isn't even my birthday? Or whenever I see him he wants to hug me? If I was in his situation I would be honest with another person even if it did hurt the other person's feelings because I would recognize the fact it would HELP the other person to completely move on.

 

When a person knows the object of their affection is in ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP THEY SPLIT. And this is what I have been trying to do even though I don't have 110% confirmation. He may not have slept with this guy but I definitely know he's interested in him even though he may say otherwise. I know it would be HARD to tell the other person the truth I would tell the truth because in a way it is leading another person on. In my view it's leading another person on. I asked him before if he was seeing someone else and he denied it. And if he loses me as a friend too bad that's life! I don't think he's being fair to me. I want to move on with my life it isn't fair to me. I have decided he isn't going to tell me the truth but through his actions I can see it and I am not going to be his friend anymore even though we have known each other for seven years. I have to be honest with myself I cannot be his friend anymore and I have to split ASAP. So when he calls me again I will tell him it's best we go our separate ways forever.

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You seem really into him and I think it would be best to take some time to heal with NC.

 

It will be hard but it will be the best. Sounds like he may be sending mixed messages just to keep his ego stroked (buying gifts, hugging). He is not gonna stop that because it is good for HIS ego. You need to move on and take it one day at a time.

 

Cut all contact with him if you want to heal your heart from this. I know how hard it is. My husband abruptly left me and I had to do the same thing. He would try to get his ego stroked but I kicked his azz to the curb.

 

Be strong and cut him off until you get stronger. You are weak right now and he knows it.

 

He is so wrong for doing this knowing how you feel but you have all responsibility for your own emotional healing and pain.

 

Take your life back from this guy and go out and create a great life for yourself.!!!!

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Jordanjames

I agree although I did feel sad for a month this year when I wasn't talking to him I was progressing.

 

You are right my own happiness and well being is the most important issue here.

 

I did find it odd when he bought me the gifts in February I thought it was odd because my birthday is at the end of the year.

 

I see what you are saying about helping his "ego" though that makes a lot of sense.

 

I guess I just kind of wonder why a person would do this?

 

When I saw him earlier this month I just noticed how messed up he is. I know I deserve so much better.

 

But I realize that's his problem and not my problem.

 

We don't see each other that much anymore only once a month so I feel like this time around I hope the NC will be easier.

 

I am starting to meet new people and I just have to continue to take it from there.

 

I remember a counsellor told me that I can only control my own behaviour and not the behaviour of another person. I know in my head that I deserve better then this. I do feel like he is playing this game of "trying to maintain" my interest in a sense with mixed signals.

 

I definitely think it is about his "ego" because he has told me in the past he likes attention from gay men.

 

He doesn't have the highest self esteem and I think he gets off on the attention.

 

It is going to be hard but I am going back to NC and I will continue NC because I want to move on.

 

I am looking into therapy right now to heal myself.

 

I can only control my own behaviour.

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Jordanjames

Well he called me last night it was the first time we talked since he called me on Thursday. He says " hi" and I just told him the truth.

 

I asked him if he can block my cell phone number by contacting his cell phone company Rogers.

 

My cell phone company Virgin Mobile Canada doesn't allow people to block phone numbers.

 

Anyway he said "this sounds permanent" and I said "yes". Next he said "I don't understand why you want me to block your number?

 

There are ways to contact me?"

 

I was honest I told him "yes you are right I am the jealous type and I believe even though you won't admit it you have feelings for this other Indian gay guy."

 

And I just feel I can't handle that I want to move on with my life. In order for me to completely move on he can't be a part of my life anymore.

 

I also said to him "you were a good friend and I accept my part of the responsibility when we slept together. We were such good friends but we slept together."

 

He started to get angry at me.

 

And I said " I just want to move on with my life." I said let's be honest we both know things have been awkward between us because we slept together last year." He said "yes this is true."

 

Next he said "if you want space then I can give you space." And I said "I want to move on with my life." I know this will be hard but I got to do this. Next, he said "I get it you are dumping me as your friend. I don't even know what to say?" And then he hung up the phone. He sounded very upset but I had to be honest with him about the way I feel.

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Now he no longer has you to stroke his ego!!! Good for you!!!

 

 

Just know that he may continue to try to reel you in, not because he wants to be with you but because he knows he can.

 

You put a lot on him by asking him to block you. You are responsible for how you respond to people. You can't expect them do what you think they should.

 

What I'm saying is that even if he calls texts or whatever, you have to be strong and not respond.

 

I would have at least told him that we could revisit the possibilty of being friends once you've allowed your heart to heal.

 

You have to give yourself enough time to really move on from him. I know how hard it is. I had to end an A I was in with a MM 3 months ago. He respected my wishes and I still care for him but I knew it had to be done.

 

Be strong and try to keep a positive attitude. Someone amazing may come along when you least expect it. I have been meeting some nice men and giving myself a chance.

 

Keep your head up and make sure if you ever see him you are looking really fierce!!!:bunny:

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Jordanjames

Hi you are right this was a very hard thing for me to do last night. I just want to move on with my life from him. I remember him saying

"you are doing this for you". It was interesting that he said that because yes I am "doing" this for myself to heal. I got to focus on myself now completely and not on him. I want to be happy and I am tired of being unhappy.

 

I also told him I deleted him and his friends from my facebook page because I just feel for me this is very important. I don't want to know what he is doing or what he is up to.

 

I feel a complete break although this will be hard is the best thing for me. I am surprised at myself that I did it! I am glad I did it! I just told him I was not happy with the situation and it needed to change. Gifts and hugs are not a relationship it's just a way to lead another person on and I need more then that. I want a man to love me for me and not be afraid of wanting a romantic relationship. I want someone to desire me for me.

 

I got to stay strong. I realized that he doesn't "want me" to be his boyfriend because he has told me that before I understand that. However it took me a while to understand that he just "wants me" to be "into him".

 

I believe he likes the attention and he gets off from it. And I just want to be happy. I hope I do meet a nice man one day. I just got to stay strong and not respond if he contacts me.

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Hi you are right this was a very hard thing for me to do last night. I just want to move on with my life from him. I remember him saying

"you are doing this for you". It was interesting that he said that because yes I am "doing" this for myself to heal. I got to focus on myself now completely and not on him. I want to be happy and I am tired of being unhappy.

 

I also told him I deleted him and his friends from my facebook page because I just feel for me this is very important. I don't want to know what he is doing or what he is up to.

 

I feel a complete break although this will be hard is the best thing for me. I am surprised at myself that I did it! I am glad I did it! I just told him I was not happy with the situation and it needed to change. Gifts and hugs are not a relationship it's just a way to lead another person on and I need more then that. I want a man to love me for me and not be afraid of wanting a romantic relationship. I want someone to desire me for me.

 

I got to stay strong. I realized that he doesn't "want me" to be his boyfriend because he has told me that before I understand that. However it took me a while to understand that he just "wants me" to be "into him".

 

I believe he likes the attention and he gets off from it. And I just want to be happy. I hope I do meet a nice man one day. I just got to stay strong and not respond if he contacts me.

 

You seem to be well on your way to happiness. You really do deserve it and he knows that he won't give it to you. He can just go and find someone else to stroke his ego.

 

Do not break down and contact him because he will take you for a joke. If he calls or texts don't respond because he'll know that its okay to disresoect your boundaries.

 

You should be really proud of yourself. You showed up for you and showed that you are strong enough to end a friendship with someone that doesn't want he same thing.

 

Be good to yourself!!!:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

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Jordanjames

Thank you for your words of encouragement I really appreciate it. You are right I got to stay strong here because I know I am doing the right thing.

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