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Friend being shaddy - secretly dating my ex.


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My ex and I broke up about two years ago. It was a big intense relationship for us both and was about 2 years long. I ended up breaking up with him due to many issues - he was able to lie, ignore me at social gatherings, snap at me when not needed, and had sever social anxiety issues that made our social life impossible together. Outside this stuff he did have some really great qualities as well and was very charming, talented, smart ect. So, i'm not a total looser for dating him...hehe. I was actually very in love with him but smart enough to know i could do better.

 

Our breakup was really bad. He begged for me back for a long time, as he always did when i wanted to get out. He wanted to move in and get married i guess, these things seemed hard for me to imagine granted the issues we had. I dunno, i got out.

 

He found another girlfriend almost immediately and i am still single - i have dated a lot, just not found anyone to settle down with. He and the girl he ran to next broke up about five months ago because she wanted to get married and he wasn't ready. Clearly some sort of re-bound girl.

 

Within all this, i made a lot of new friends because i had the time. I had been very lonely but luckily met some good people - especially girls. One of them was going through a bad breakup depression when i met her and i'd say we kind of bonded over our ****ty ex's. Her ex was pretty awful, maybe worse than mine, and they'd been together four years. Therefore, she and I know almost all intimate details of our ex's.

 

Recently, she kind of went off radar for a minute - i was busy trying to graduate but i still wondered why the distance. One day on instant messenger she finds the guts to tell me she'd been persuing my ex for the past month and that they liked each other. The catch is, she, him, and myself all run in the same small social circle - he's never been man enough to hardly do more than wave at me - so we have never learned to be friends and generally i loath him for being so inhuman. She knows all this too. This was incredibally shocking as we've ranted an raved together about how wrong he was for ever being so cruel to me and then dragging me throug unresolved breakup issues for the past years.

 

When she told me i immediately told her i was not okay with it, and asked "what if i had done this with her ex?" She exclaimed that would never be okay and immediately apologized and started calling herself an ******* and confessing suddenly how real it was what she was doing and how it wasn't worth our friendship at all - but she could understand why i wouldn't want to be friends with her. Clearly, she knew this was wrong or she would have told me sooner she and many of our friends have agreed. Granted she and him only really talked for a month, it seemed way past the deadline for telling me.

 

I'm honestly just very hurt. More so exhausted by the affect he has in my life and his ability to charmingly get away with everything. I'm nervous i can't trust my friend any more. She told me she would stop talking to him right away and now has tried to hang out with me every night since - feels a lot of guilt ect. However, i told her that night over a couple beers that i would not tell her what to do and not to be friends with him, basically being a good friend and letting her make the right decisions. I worry they still talk though as i felt her face some how light up when i said that.

 

Our mutual friends have tried to remind me how depressed and lonely she has been for a long time, and i do know that as well. She spends many nights drinking and reading alone and doesn't have the greatest self esteem. I dunno, what i should feel. I told her i forgave her but i'm still so grossed out either of them would do that. Was i too easy to forgive her? Should i just go with it and shrug it off knowing they are both kind of low self esteem people who are lonely? Ugh, so awkward

 

Lastly before she told me she was really standoffish with me and rude to me out of no where, she was taking her guilt out on me without even telling me why which hurt me. Now, after saying she would stop talking to him I get the impression she is again and is now being rude and standoffish again yet lieing and making up excuses why but I totally caught her texting him at 3 a.m. the other night. What should I do? I feel like she's being a horrible and shady friend. And she would befriend me if i did this to her.:sick:

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NiceGuy4Ever

Okay this looks like a pretty much convoluted scenario. In my opinion things do not look good and there may be many reasons why this is happening. One, your boyfriend may not be over you and using your friend to get close to you. Two, your friend and ex are from what you describe pretty low self-esteem ppl and happened to find each other so she might have gotten caught up with a hope of a shot at happiness.

 

When we go through a feeling like that we tend to throw our friends away sort of and go to the person who has our hearts. Usually this is a mistake and the person usually finds out too late. Well from what i think is if you keep hanging around her and being her friend your gonna have to deal with alot more attitude and alot more problems. She is guilty and can't help herself talking to this guy and she doesn't want to face it so she demonstrates displaced anger.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is simple. Do you want to stay by her right now when chances are alot more problems will arise mainly directed at you or do you want to just let this go and back away from it? Hope this helps

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Thank you so much for your advice. Was nervous about not getting any responses but after talking to selected grounded friends and family and also finding out that she has been sleeping with him for months without telling me and everyone knew but me i know she is no friend of mine. She lied to my face repeatedly even after i told her if she really cared for him she could have him.

 

She called me and told me she would be with him regradless but hoped we could be friends. She never told me the whole truth, rather a friend called me a couple hours later and told me she had been sleeping with him for months and she knew i needed to know if no one else would tell me.

 

Awful. I was so good to her. I thought we were going to be great...glad to get this person out of my life sooner than later.

 

Thanks again for you helpful response.

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