craig841 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Recently one of my female friends (18) has become obsessed with one guy. I think he will bore her and generally not be good for her, and besides she prolly won't see him again in a month or so's time. And to top it off he's not interested. My various attempts to convince her of this and to help her and have resulted in her saying 'Stop talking to me about this it stresses me out.' Just today I learned that while out in a club she was with her current bf who then left...she then texted this guy and said something along the lines of 'my boyfriends just gone'. I have heard this fourth hand or something but it still pisses me right off. Do I have a right to have a go at her for this and tell her to think before she acts for once? My instincts tell me no because I technically am not meant to know this, but I am really quite angry at her for doing this to her bf, who is actually a good guy, and not thinking at all practically. Bear in mind my friend has a history...she used to sleep around a lot but after finding a steady bf for a while she calmed down and matured, but this behaviour makes me think there's some old personality resurfacing. She has been a great friend to me, but I don't want her to make this mistake. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 It sounds as if you think that you are accountable for your friend's decisions, choices and consequences? If so, how did you decide to take on that responsibility? Or, is her attitude and behaviour about/with this other guy triggering something else for you? A personal experience of something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 It sounds as if you think that you are accountable for your friend's decisions, choices and consequences? If so, how did you decide to take on that responsibility? Or, is her attitude and behaviour about/with this other guy triggering something else for you? A personal experience of something similar? It's more disappointment that she is doing it. I used to be very into her until time wore that away a bit, and this seems to finally be tipping the scales, and maybe it's like I don't want my feelings to go and I'm clinging on for dear life. She has been great to me and our paths will cross in a year or two so I want to keep the friendship up. I don't think I'm accountable, just willing for her not to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Yeah, it sucks when we are called upon to 'get real' about our own unrealistic expectations and distorted perceptions. I'm getting that you care about her and that you built-up some image of her, which she is in process of proving that your image was nothing more than a creation of your imagination. It's not her, of course. It's not her fault that you ended up imbuing her with qualities and strengths that she does not have, and forgetting to add the shortcomings and weaknesses that she does. It's not on her that you put her on an imaginary pedestal. This is who she is. You have free will choice to love and accept her EXACTLY for that. And become a stronger, more accepting friend to her. Or, you can cling to your fantasy image of her and your feelings that you developed for that image. And lose a "great friend" in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks very much Ronni...something I haven't really thought about. I completely forgot a very simple fact like 'nobody's perfect'. The key to great friendship seems to be if you can accept the other's faults and they can accept yours too, and I think she has learned to accept mine, while I haven't quite learned to accept hers, probably due to some sort of remaining feelings. If she obsesses so much that she forgets any other man exists, do I then have a problem on my hands? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 If she obsesses so much that she forgets any other man exists, do I then have a problem on my hands? Only if you use your imagination to MAKE it a problem, Craig But I'm sensing that's not your 'real' question -- is it a fear that she will become so obsessed by another man that she will forget that YOU exist? If so, no, we don't usually forget our platonic friends when we become romantically addicted. But. If that does happen, it still is who she is and how she does things...and you'll still get to choose to either accept/love her with it or judge/reject her for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks very much...I'll see how this plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
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