sveltskye Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Just wondering. I have a guy friend who I hang out with pretty constantly- we pretty much see eachother every day or every other day. I consider him a very good friend, but I'm not interested in him romantically, and he has told me I'm attractive, but I'm pretty sure he's not pining away for me or anything. We just have a good time hanging out together, and we actually kind of bonded over my feelings for someone and his feelings for a friend of mine (both unreciprocated LOL). And we both thrive off of hanging out with people, so I think he's kind of become my default hang out buddy. But sometimes I think it feels a little weird to spend so much time with someone of the opposite gender whom I'm not dating. I know at least one of his friends has asked if we were. What are people's opinions on this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 A female/male friendship can be fantasic as long as the lines aren't being crossed, and there aren't sexual feelings to get in the way. Obviously you two like eachother, and probably have feelings of attachment, but that's normal because it's a friendship. It's when the lines get blurry and the emotions go romantic, sexual, is when the trouble starts. I say just enjoy it for what it is. A male buddy who you can hang out with, have fun, talk and laugh. Keep it simple though because men/women friendships don't have the typical dynamtic that women/women friendships have. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I think it's a great thing to have a close friend of the opposite gender. But I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the future if the topic of "Where are we going with this?" doesn't come up. The way I see it, two single people of the opposite sex who care about each other, who get along famously, who spend all of their free time together, who must have a lot in common, and who everyone always assumes are dating, it just would seem to me like you two just be like, "Why not give it a try?" I bet if you dug deep, one or both of you just might have some deep seeded feelings for the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sveltskye Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 You know, I feel like an ass saying this, but its the attraction thing. Its not even that he's super unnattractive, but he has an accent and is of a race of which I've only considered dating one person. Its few and far in between that I find myself attracted to someone of that race. Again, feel like a douche for saying so, but right now I can't see myself wanting to sleep with him. Sometimes I feel like I should see him differently, cause he's such a great guy, and I totally respect him, but I have trouble seeing him that way. I don't know, maybe over time I will feel differently... I am more open to dating people of other races now than I was before, but its still hard for some reason. Man, I feel like a racist or something. And we do have a lot in common, personality wise, but he's also very silly and I have trouble translating that into sexy... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Well, if you're not attracted to him then you are not attracted to him. It doesn't mean you are racist or anything. You can't force yourself to be physically or sexually attracted to anyone. Though, you don't really know what's going on in his head either. He could be harboring feelings for you, which is why I stated I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the future that topic might come up. If not, then that's great as it sounds as if you'll have a great friend for a long time. Though it's hard to spend much of your free time with someone of the opposite gender and not have feelings play a role at least once during the course of life. Usually at least one of the people involved develops feelings slowly or all of a sudden wakes up and realizes that they do indeed feel for the other person. It happens, and it's certainly not a bad thing. The question is. How do you really want to see him? As a close friend like a brother or do you honestly feel like you'd want to be more than friends with him at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sveltskye Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 No, its totally not a bad thing. I just have no idea if it could happen in this case. But that's ok, I'm sure I'll be happy either way Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If you keep hanging out with him when you actually start seeing a guy, this platonic friendship of yours might cause a lil strain on a prospective relationship. Might make a guy really jealous and screw things up. keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sveltskye Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks for the warning, boogieboy. I suspect what will happen is that we will stop hanging out quite so much if a guy comes into my life. Link to post Share on other sites
lazlow99 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I think with two single friends of the opposite gender, its only natural for at least one of you to think of taking the relationship further. Also if you're hanging around with your guy friend all the time, he might be getting the impression that you're waiting for him to initiate something, and if you start dating other guys and suddenly abandon him he will get hurt and probably jealous. You both need to be clear of what the relationship is, and not hang around with each other cause its a nice, safe way of getting some attention from the opposite sex. I'd probably recommend not hanging around with each other so much so he has his own thing going on still if you suddenly meet someone, and the same goes for him. Link to post Share on other sites
hardyboyz1999 Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 I would really like to be non-romantic friends with an attractive white woman who's at least 18 years old who owns (and wears) a smooth full length black leather coat or owns (and carries) a smooth black leather messenger bag. I especially like the back of an attractive woman wearing a full length black leather coat, so sexy. I like the sexy flap of an attractive woman's black leather messenger bag. The sexy flap of the black leather messenger bag is like a roof, very sexy design. I would want her to drive me around in her car at an accelerated, but safe speed, especially on steep turns while she's wearing her full length black leather coat. I would sit in the front seat with her and stare at her full length black leather coat. I would tell her "Your driving is very nice and stylish." Now that's what I call sexy driving. Nothing would please me more than for me to have an attractive female friend who owns and wears a smooth full length black leather coat or owns and carries a smooth black leather messenger bag. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 What does the black leather messenger bag have to do with hanging out with someone of the opposite gender all the time? You say all the time - does this mean 24/7? Every minute or second of the day? Do explain. Link to post Share on other sites
tblucky Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 My feelings on this are that typically, when a guy and girl are spending this much time together, one person always ends up having feelings for the other, even if it's subconscious. I think this dynamic is ultimately bad for both people since the relationship will be sustained through unfulfilled wishes on behalf of one party. It will ultimately lead to jealousies, hurt feelings, and other problems later on. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. The exception is when both people are dating other people they are very happy with. Still, this begs the question, why are you spending so much time with this person versus your bf/gf or same-sex friends? Link to post Share on other sites
RA1 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I don't think it's weird at all. If it is as you describe, I think you are both exceptionally highly evolved! Go with it and hopefully you will still be non-romantic buddies in 50 years time! I'm not being sarcastic or anything, I truly think you have made a really great achievement. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Watch 'When Harry Met Sally.' Luke and Lorelai. Bones and Booth. House and Cutty. It's a "surrogate relationship." You get all the comfort of having a SO without any of the obligation. It's a placeholder. When one of you finds someone it will suck to be the other one. I've had several female friends like that, one of which many people assumed we were dating when we weren't. Personally, I really enjoyed the friendship and on some levels wanted to take it further but on other levels avoided taking it further. At the time I wasn't ready for a relationship so the friendship we had was perfect for me. I've also had female friends start showing signs that they want more at which point I had to back off a little. Men and women CAN be platonic friends but it takes a little bit more regulation internally to make sure it stays platonic. Just keep your eyes open as to what it really is. Also, read this article. http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it Link to post Share on other sites
RA1 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Just keep your eyes open as to what it really is. Also, read this article. http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it The linked article is amusing and cynical. Yes, it might be a good description of so-called platonic relationships that really have an underlying sexual motive waiting to emerge at any moment. But I have personal reasons to believe there can be genuine platonic friendships between people of the opposite sex. I don't know how common they are, but they are possible. So to the OP, please don't be discouraged. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 The linked article is amusing and cynical. Yes, it might be a good description of so-called platonic relationships that really have an underlying sexual motive waiting to emerge at any moment. But I have personal reasons to believe there can be genuine platonic friendships between people of the opposite sex. I don't know how common they are, but they are possible. So to the OP, please don't be discouraged. I completely agree, I'm just wanting to be sure the OP's friend isn't pining over her. Even if he is, it's his own damn fault for not making a move earlier in their friendship. I have plenty of genuinely platonic friendships that are very fulfilling and I have nothing against that. I just know that when you hang out with someone that much EVERY DAY, feelings get involved eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I have plenty of genuinely platonic friendships that are very fulfilling and I have nothing against that. I just know that when you hang out with someone that much EVERY DAY, feelings get involved eventually. Well she did say 'about every other day or so'. I dunno, I used to have a guy friend who was my standard hang-out buddy. We met at least once a day either for meals or games. Sometimes other people came along as well of course, but sometimes it was just me and him. I have another male buddy whom I still hang out with pretty often now, and it's usually just the two of us since our circle of mutual friends has left the university. My bf (who's LD) doesn't have a problem with that as long as I don't start crossing boundaries like inviting the guy to my home or stuff. I can quite confidently say I have and had no romantic interest in either of them. They just weren't 'my type'. We had oodles of fun cracking jokes and playing games together but there wasn't any emotional closeness beyond that. Even if they did have any interest in ME, they certainly hid it well enough that it never got 'involved eventually'. If OP's guy friend tells her that he finds her attractive I'm not so sure about the platonicity of his feelings though. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 platonicity Nice!! I think you're absolutely right. As long as it stays within reasonable territory it's fine. My ex actually left me for the guy she hung out with all the time who she claimed was "just a friend" so my boundaries on this issue are a little bit firmer than some. Link to post Share on other sites
love_darlings Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 It's not weird. It's normal as long as you know what's between the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Stall Tactics Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Of course it's not a bad thing. In fact, I'd wager it's a good thing! If you're heterosexual, hanging out with the opposite gender can probably help you decipher the ins and outs of the female/male species. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 my best friend of close to 28 yrs is a male. We hang out all the time. Work out together, he spends all holidays with my family and we talk every day. We have ZERO, NIL, NUTTIN, NONE, No sexual attractions to one another. Why? Well it's not because I am not a stunning, wild, drop dead sexy woman It's because he was my 1st boyfriend when I was 16. We were together 6 yrs and realized we were better friends. I like having a male friend :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 my best friend of close to 28 yrs is a male. We hang out all the time. Work out together, he spends all holidays with my family and we talk every day. We have ZERO, NIL, NUTTIN, NONE, No sexual attractions to one another. Why? Well it's not because I am not a stunning, wild, drop dead sexy woman It's because he was my 1st boyfriend when I was 16. We were together 6 yrs and realized we were better friends. I like having a male friend :-) Do you ever feel like this relationship leaves less room for another man to come into your life? Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Do you ever feel like this relationship leaves less room for another man to come into your life? Not at all. I was with someone 11 yrs, 2 yrs and now with a guy 4 yrs while always being his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
frankie881388 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Thanks for the warning, boogieboy. I suspect what will happen is that we will stop hanging out quite so much if a guy comes into my life. ----------- Hi, tell me who pays for dinner most of the time. Does he buy you things? I am going to be blunt. He said he found you attractive right? Well, go set him up with a really nice girl or just stop seeing him too much. Seeing him Everyday is really too much no matter how you look at it. Yes there is something wrong here. You know it and I know it. Even your conscience is telling you that (you will see him less if you have a boyfriend). Link to post Share on other sites
frankie881388 Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I completely agree, I'm just wanting to be sure the OP's friend isn't pining over her. Even if he is, it's his own damn fault for not making a move earlier in their friendship. I have plenty of genuinely platonic friendships that are very fulfilling and I have nothing against that. I just know that when you hang out with someone that much EVERY DAY, feelings get involved eventually. ---- Relationship is complex. It is not as easy as you think. He might admired her and loving her from far away. He might have felt contended just to see her or to do things for her and see her happy. On the other hand, you made it so cut and dry. If everyone is so sure about who they want to get involved with, then there won't be breakups. Also, women do send out mixed signals and they don't even know about. Link to post Share on other sites
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