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Saying Goodbye Forever


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There's this friend that I've had feelings for a really long time, she knows it but just doesn't feel the same way anymore. There's a really ****ed up and kinda long back story to all this so let me explain. I'll keep it as short as possible. When we were young and in high school she fell in "love" with me but I barely knew her and it freaked me out a little bit. I had never been with a girl either so that didn't help. Anyway about 3 years later we we're talking a little bit more and even hooked up a couple times during that time period.. just making out. I was starting to really like her but I never told her or my friends.. not even my best friend who was pretty good friends with her at the time. So we eventually had sex after her 3 years of chasing me and I loved it, but was still nervous of having a girlfriend. Yes, I was a little bitch I know. She would always call me and I would almost never answer because of being nervous all the time. We maybe had sex about 6 times in 3 months. This did not make her very happy. Next thing I know I'm getting suspicion of her and my best friend together. I never said anything to him or her about it and before I knew it they were going out. I was heart broken. I never said anything to him about it or her. So fast forward 1.5 years and they break up after a pretty bad relationship. They both agree they are better as friends but she's still spending the night over his house. Couple weeks later we hook up at a club and I tell her how much I like her and about how I was just so nervous of having a girlfriend at the time. She's kissing me and hugging me and telling me how long she's waited for me to say these things and how she still thought of me when she was with him. She also tells me how she is still trying to work things out with him and can't just be with me now out of the blue. I spend the night over her house and we sleep in the same bed, no sex just cuddling. A few days later my best friend finds out and that's when my whole life changes. He's really upset but I tell him how I really liked her at the time and how ****ed up it was for him to go behind my back. Granted he didn't know I liked her that much but still.. I wouldn't have been sleeping with her if I didn't like her just a little bit I tell him and he still should have told me regardless. So we agree to never talk to her again to save our friendship because we we're honestly not only best friends but brothers to each other. About as close as two guys could get without suspecting maybe they're gay. I think about it for a few days and I basically say to hell with that. I miss her and I want her back. So now 2 years later after that I'm still JUST friends with her and not friends with him anymore. She is always telling me she wishes she could have feelings for me again but just can't go back to that anymore. I broke her heart for so long and I do understand. She tells me I'm a great guy and maybe something will happen in the future but just not yet. We recently had a pretty bad fight which involved us both crying and yelling. So about a week later we talked on facebook for a little and I told her I thought it was just best we both let go of each other. She means more to me than anybody. She tells me how she cares about my feelings so much and if I ever change my mind she'll be more than willing to have me in her life again. Not even a week has gone by and I'm wondering if I made a mistake. I love her and do want to be her friend. There are so many other girls out their. I know she's not the ONLY girl for me. It just makes it so hard to care so much about a girl that you're EXTREMELY attracted too and JUST be friends. I get jealous when I see her with another guy and I don't know how to just be a platonic friend to her. Can anybody relate to this? We've been friends now for 7 years and I'm finding it so hard to cut her out of my life. Should I never talk to this girl again? Thank you so much for reading my bitch rant.

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Your bitch rant was really hard to read.

 

Could you please edit it a little and try to write in paragraphs?

 

You will get more responses that way.

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