Do you think this friendship is over?

[trand]

About 5 months ago I was laid off from work, thus ending both my job and most of my ‘friendships’. I didn’t have any friends outside of work, so this was a double whammy. There was one woman at work who I’ve felt the closest to of anyone. We weren’t able to do a lot of things outside of work w/ her being married w/ kids, but we talked every day and exchanged Xmas and birthday gifts. The day I was laid off she didn’t really seem upset.

 

When we had a get together at a local bar for the people who got laid off a month later, most of the people from work were there except her, no explanation. Since then I’ve not been able to get her on the phone. I’ve emailed her a couple of times just to chat, and it will either be weeks before she replies, or not at all. I asked in email three times when would be a better time to call her since she never seems to be there, and she’s replied briefly to the emails about other stuff, but never responded to the question. I emailed her again and mentioned that I’ve asked three times and she hasn’t answered and asked if there was something wrong. She finally responded and said there isn’t a good time to call since she’s hardly at her desk anymore, no apology.

 

I know I have a tendency to feel insecure about how the other person feels in my relationships, but am I just being insecure about this one and is she giving me the get lost signal despite her words to the contrary.

[Tony T]

There was never a friendship. People you have cordial relationships with at work and no other place are situational buddies, that is, the association lasts for the period you are together in a common situation...in your case the workplace.

 

Sometimes, friendships flow from work to personal areas and that's great. But most of the time, these associations are nice and warm but they're over when work is over. People want to get home and forget about work and the people they work with.

 

Additionally, this woman is married with children and doesn't need the complications of you harrassing her with calls and email so just stop it. She has hoped you would get the hint. While you worked with her she was nice and cordial with you because that made her work environment more pleasant for her. She now has no useful purpose for an association with you...as hard as that may be to face. You need to learn this now. It's just a fact of life and says nothing about you or her.

 

And on top of all that, you now represent her greatest fear, getting laid off from work. She will avoid you like the plague...not because she doesn't like you or has anything against you...but because you represent something she would very much like to forget could happen to her...getting laid off.

 

So:

 

1. You were ONLY a situational friend and that situation is over.

 

2. This lady is married and has children. For Pete's sake, honor that and stay out of her life.

 

3. You bring to her mind what could happen to her at anytime and she doesn't want to be in that place.

 

Go find some nice friends who will be your friends...not because they work with you and are forced into your proximity...but because they like you, your company (being around you), your life philosophy, your character, your personality. etc. Those are the only friends who will remain with you for long periods of time.

[Tigerlily]

As someone who has had quite a few jobs, I can guarantee you that an awful lot of "friendships" you have at work are merely work related. You will find occassionally that you will be able to sustain a friendship with some people outside of work, even though you no longer work with them. But generally speaking, an office friendship is on a very different level to the ones people have outside of the workplace. It's a very different environment. I have tried sustaining friendships with colleagues once I/they have left the workplace. I have about 2 people that I still keep in contact with (that said, we only speak once every 6 months or so).

 

Your place of work will usually be what you have in common with your colleagues and once someone's employment contract ends, so does the friendship usually.

 

However, don't be discouraged by this. Make new work-friends at your new place of work and always bear in mind that even though you get along great at work, a lot of the time it stops there. Go out with your colleagues after work for a drink and meet new people throught them or while you're out with them (it might be people your colleagues know, or that stranger at the bar).

 

Enrol in a course that you have a keen interest in, and make friends with people who share the same interests as you.

 

Say hello to that stranger you always pass when you're jogging/walking etc.

 

Log-on to that internet dating site and look for people who want friendships. They need to expand their social circle just as much as you feel you need to.

 

Throw a party and invite the handful of people you know (most of us only know a handful) and get them to bring along their friends too.

 

In a social situation - not a work situation - you will have more success in meeting people you have a lot in common with and therefore can continue a friendship with.

 

I know that "networking" can sound daunting (I've been there myself) but also know that it can be very rewarding. It gets you out there and you have to be out there to meet people you have common interests with.

 

People will always come in and out of our lives and there are times when we need not take it personally. And don't forget, the vast majority of us can count our close friends on one hand. You're not as alone as you might think.