Does my friend want my Husband?

[nesearthom]

I have been friends with my bestfriend, who's like a sister to me, for 14 years. Recently, she split up with her boyfriend, and has been sad & lonely. She has been confiding in my husband a lot about her issues, and wanting his opinion, which is fine. But, in four years knowing him she's never been close to him. Weird. Well, I wanted to help take her mind off things, so I set aside a girls' day for us to hang out, and even got a sitter for our kids. She knew it was suppose to be just us, but she invited my husband. When he was taking a shower to get ready, she opened the door on him and, very flirty, yelled "see ya later honey" (cause we were going to drop off kids). She didn't look, but my husband and I both think it was wrong. Later she flirted with him even more, and tried to hang out with him & talk to him the whole day, like he was her best friend all of a sudden. I asked him about it, and he said that he was not sure what was going on, and assured me it isn't him. A day later she called while I was asleep, and he told her I was sleeping, and she kept trying to talk to him. She asked him if he would be okay with her calling him at 2am to come over. She said someone tried to open her apartment door the night before. However, no one can even enter her building w/out a key. Even if some one did try to come in her apartment, it would take my husband 25 minutes to even get there. So, why him? Well, my husband thought this was iffy, and informed me of what she said to him. Now, I'm scared that she may be after my husband. I know I can trust him, that's not the problem. I need to know if I should trust her anymore. In 14 years she's never done this to me, but right about now I've got a bad feeling. Lately, she's told me she wanted a man to hang out with after her kids go to bed, so she's not lonely. Is the man she's wanting my husband? Before I decide to cut her loose, I'd like an outsider's opinion on this. Help me out.

[sugarmomma]

I would just set some new boundaries for the relationship. Like not answer her calls as much (thank God for caller id) and not allow her to come over as much. Sounds like she is really seeking attention from any man she can get it from. Its a good thing your husband isn't biting her bait.

 

Keep her away fro a while and she will get the hint!!

[2sure]

Well, you have been friends for a long time, so lets start by trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. You trust your husband, so you can afford to give her this - once.

 

She is lonely, you established that. You and she are apparently so close that you feel like family to each other. Fine. She is having "man" problems so feels comfortable discussing these things with an nonthreatening male - your husband. Not only that , but she has come to see your husband as a friend who will protect her. OK.

 

BUT. Whether she is aware of it or not...her feelings and comfort level have crossed a boundary. She may rightly or wrongly identify her feelings as brotherly love but she has made both you and your husband uncomfortable.

 

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, you have to bring this up to her.

Ideally, your H should. Both of you together discussing it with her may feel like an accusation or attack.

 

She needs to step BACK.

 

She might feel embarrassed, maybe offended ...but if its put in a light enough manner- but clear and firm - she will get over it.

[nittygritty]

I think you should confront her.

 

Ask her why she opened the bathroom door when she knew your husband was in the shower. Tell her that you do not appreciate her flirting with your husband and that you will have to end the friendship if she doesn't stop. Not because you don't trust your husband but because you don't trust her.

[Mino]

Trust your instincts.... time to let the friendship go, but I would also tell her WHY.... good luck...I have been in these situation with a best friend years ago... no loyality from her, sad....

[Trialbyfire]

Since she's your bestfriend, regardless of intent, just tell her she's enroaching on boundaries of decency within your marriage. If she's any kind of friend, she'll back off. If she's predatory, she'll find ways to have contact with your husband. The question is, is he willing to push her back?

 

If you want to shortcut the process, have a pow-wow between the three of you. Ensure that your husband is onside with the discussion items, so he knows what to expect.

 

In both scenarios, you stand to lose a friend. On the otherhand, who wants a friend who's ethically challenged and morally bankrupt.

[Island Girl]

I have been in this situation before - twice.

 

The first time was a friend but not a "best" friend by any stretch of the imagination.

I called her out on it and reminded her how easily it would be remedied BY ME if it ever happened again.

 

And then I cut her out of my life.

 

The next time was with a VERY good friend of mine whom I had been friends with for about 14 years at that point.

 

And the man in question was my now husband - who was then just a boyfriend.

 

I approached her and asked her if she had been chatting with him a lot more lately.

And she said she had.

I proceeded to tell her that it seemed to be making him very uncomfortable about her and that I wanted the two of them to be able to get along. So she should understand he sees it as inappropriate and that she should refrain from that kind of contact.

I also "gently" reminded her that I would not take kindly to hearing about anything like those kinds of things again.

She gave me an apology and told me she didn't mean anything by it and that she would be more careful of her action, blah blah blah. She said what you would expect to hear from someone who crossed the line and not only caught but reprimanded for it.

 

I knew she was going through a particularly bad time - her marriage had just broken up and she was searching for attention - but "safe" male attention.

It did NOT excuse her behavior though.

 

That conversation took care of the problem BUT our friendship will forever be changed because she is kept at a different distance now.

[nesearthom]

If in a similar situation, what sort of things did the friend do that made you aware of her intent? How far did she go with it?

[Island Girl]

If in a similar situation, what sort of things did the friend do that made you aware of her intent? How far did she go with it?

 

We were out one night -- I had invited her along with us and he had a group of his friends there.

 

She sat next to him and kept giving him the "doe eyed" look. ------ I was familiar with that as one of her flirting techniques having been friends with her for so long. She'd laugh at one of his remarks and give him some lame compliment.

To his credit he kept moving away from her and standing behind me or with his arm around me.

 

We had a bar-b-que and she came over. During the party at one particular point he was entertaining the group with stories and she kept touching him when they were all laughing -- hand on the arm and on his shoulder in that light way with her arm still bent so it was a combo lean in.

I think that translates...?

 

Another time she called and when he answered and said I wasn't home she proceeded to chat him up just asking questions about his day, etc.

He told me when I got home, "why is she talking to me about things? I don't like it at all."

 

The phone incident was what I brought up and I made a pretty big deal over his telling me about it.

She completely understood he would and DID tell me that it had happened. I had enough detail.

 

And then I proceeded to tell her that he hates women who do things like that and that he sees women who do as whores.

That the worst thing to him is compromising loyalty and that he hates women who are forward and "well, you know, touchy and try to flirt that way".

I didn't tell her about the touching at the bar-b-que but she got the point.

[nesearthom]

Since she's your bestfriend, regardless of intent, just tell her she's enroaching on boundaries of decency within your marriage. If she's any kind of friend, she'll back off. If she's predatory, she'll find ways to have contact with your husband. The question is, is he willing to push her back?

 

If you want to shortcut the process, have a pow-wow between the three of you. Ensure that your husband is onside with the discussion items, so he knows what to expect.

 

In both scenarios, you stand to lose a friend. On the otherhand, who wants a friend who's ethically challenged and morally bankrupt.

 

I like that morally bankrupt quote, you have a point there. Some are saying to cut her down, some are saying just set new boundries. The boundries should already be set, she should know better. I know for sure I wouldn't do her that way. Either way, like you said, there's a chance we are not going to be friends after this is handled.

[Island Girl]

I like that morally bankrupt quote, you have a point there. Some are saying to cut her down, some are saying just set new boundries. The boundries should already be set, she should know better. I know for sure I wouldn't do her that way. Either way, like you said, there's a chance we are not going to be friends after this is handled.

 

Yes TBF has a point.

 

In my case, I knew her years before this and she hadn't acted that way.

It was something weird she went through.

 

I have not seen the same type of behavior since that conversation.

And she is remarried and focused completely on her husband.

 

But the fact that she COULD do such a thing even if she meant no harm - the fact that she could cross that line for any reason has changed our friendship permanently.

 

I enjoy a lot about her and we have been in each other's lives for 20+ years.

I am glad I have her as a touchstone but she will never be my go to gal when I am having issues with my man.

[Lizzie60]

Hum.. this is strange behaviour coming from her.. weird..

 

But you trust your husband so there is no problem there.. how about confronting her.. telling her it makes you uncomfortable.. blablabla..

 

And maybe tell your husband that he can 'put her back in her place' whenever she sends him those 'mixed messages'.. he should man-up and tell her that although he respects her.. he's not AT ALL interested...

[norajane]

I have been friends with my bestfriend, who's like a sister to me, for 14 years. Recently, she split up with her boyfriend, and has been sad & lonely.

If she's REALLY like a sister to you (a sister you love!), then give her the benefit of the doubt that she may not realize that she's crossing the boundaries of respectful behavior and that she's not being malicious or actively trying to snag your husband. So try not to be confrontational, although be direct and matter-of-fact.

 

Be honest and upfront and just stay what you've said here: Sweetheart, I know you've been very sad and lonely since you just broke up with Doofus, so you may not realize that you've been leaning too much on my husband as your soft shoulder to land on. We want to support you because you're hurting and we love you, but you're making us both uncomfortable and I know that's not your intention at all.

 

Read enough threads around here and it may remind you what it's like to feel truly broken-hearted and lonely. Sometimes, people take comfort wherever they can in whatever form they can get it, and don't realize the effect it has on people around them.

[Mary3]

The fact that he meant nothing to her for years and now she is fixated on him tells us she is lonely and gets something from their interactions.

I imagine she wished she could have seen what he possessed behind that shower door. She is likely fullblown fantasy fixated on him .

It will take some time and she is going to feel more hurt when you both tell her. I think you BOTH should tell her together, Imagine her getting a call from your hubby and he saying he needs to SEE her. Oh-vay Not good.

If she is a REAL friend she will feel ashamed and not be alone with your honey ever again... Kapeesh ?

[jessicasilver]

yes keep them away from eachother