LovieDove24 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Am I the only female like this? I don't completely understand it myself but I am a 24 year old who has never had a friendship with the opposite sex. Any guy I've ever been close with was a boyfriend and thats not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about a no-strings-attached friendship with the opposite sex, nothing more. I went through my whole high school/college scene and only ever had friendly banter with men. I see some women who have two, three or four male friends and I am actually quite jealous. Whenever I get that close to a guy I always start seeing him as "dating potential" its like I can't see the gray. We're either nothing or we're moving towards dating. What the hell? Can someone please give me pointers on how to stop doing this? I'd like to throw a get together sometime where I actually have male friends to invite. Its always a "taco" fest and thats just no fun! lol. Sorry that last bit was crude but I think you all know what I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Can you ever meet a member of the opposite sex and only be friends? I think it's almost impossible to get into that frame of mind at the very start of meeting someone. You have no idea what feelings, if any, are going to develop over time and during the course of meeting this person. You might just want to be friends but over time find out that this person is the most amazing person you have ever met. Then what do you do? You've only wanted to be friends and now the pesky feelings monster is making his annoying presence known. I think you are seeing things from a different perspective,which is why you don't have many male friends. You said yourself that you either see them as dates or not at all. You keep things black and white. Either you are interested in them as date material or you want nothing to do with them outside of just social banter. There are hundreds, probably thousands, of posts on here about guys falling into the friends zone with a girl. Myself included. Sometimes, it would be nice to have a girl as yourself that is this black and white. Either tell me you want to date me or cut me loose. The problem is, when you are single, then you have no guy friends so to speak and you end up at taco fests. Maybe in the future, keep some of the guys who aren't exactly date material around instead of cutting them loose. Eventually they'll fall into the friends category and you'll get to post on here about what to do when a male "friend" confesses his undying love for you. Because believe me, those other females with the guy "friends." Everyone of those "friends" is just in a waiting pattern to swoop in and take that 1 in 1000 shot at getting into her life as a boyfriend. They'll lay dormant for years listening to her other relationship issues hoping, wishing, praying for that one shot. Unless the guy is gay, which then you don't have to worry about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 I dunno WTRanger I've always operated under the assumption that it is possible for males and females to just be friends without underlying motives. But I'm not a guy so I cant necessarily relate to where you're coming from. But here's the problem, you're telling me that what I'm doing is good and what I'm telling you is I don't want it to be this way. I want the ability to see guys as just friends, not lovers. Kapeesh? Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Lovedovie, I had a male friend once, but I met him through an ex boyfriend and a female friend. They were their friend and he became mine. I was told that he had a big crush on me at one point but it never went anywhere because I was dating his friend. And he had a cousin who became an acquaintance who was interested but he was a big creep. But that was the ONLY male friend I ever had in my life (we are no longer friends) Like you, I either come across guys who want to date me or don't want anything to do with me at all. I don't know how some girls make guy friends so easily. I think it takes a certain kind of girl who easily make those kind of friendships IMO They may have a tomboyish side to them that makes it easier for them to relate to guys on a friendship level. I'm not sure. I really did enjoy the male friendship when it was on decent terms. I liked getting a male's opinion on things Link to post Share on other sites
nobody's girl Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 My two best friends are guys. One of them has actually asked me to be "best man" at his wedding next year (I'm very excited about that). We all worked together in the past and stayed in touch once we left the job. We all live pretty far apart but we get together at a central location once or twice a year and we email each other regularly. I guess maybe we became friends because we just worked together and both of the guys were married at the time. When they were divorced and single I either wasn't single or just never thought about it being anything more than friends since that's what it always was. So I guess my point is it is possible to be just friends with a guy. You just have to have the right set of circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I KNOW it is possible to be platonic with a male, I just don't know HOW. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 It helps if you're both married Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I've always had male friends, to an extent. Part of it has to do with some hobbies and interests. It's neither a good or bad thing to have male friends. If you have nothing in common with another person, it's not likely you're going to be friends with them, male or female. For example, I like cars, business, politics, economics, finance/investments, hockey and photography. Most of these are predominantly male interests. I also have predominantly female interests. You're not going to draw honest friendship from guys, if your interests reside in predominantly female interests like fashion, soaps, cooking, etc. If so, what will you talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
thewingwoman Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I've always been able to relate better with males than females (comes with having male hobbies like riding dirtbikes and drag racing). If you really want to meet more guys friends, I suggest getting involved in something male dominated (learn to shoot pool, throw darts, or go to sporting events you enjoy). Sure it'll take you a bit to break free of your leaning towards dating them mindset, but eventually you'll realize that even guys you're not attracted to can be awesome to hang out with and talk to. Also, chat up some of your male coworkers (if you have any). It's easy to keep from smudging those lines because you know there could be massive consequences. Go to happy hour, invite them and their significant others over for a get-together, etc. As has been said, it's easiest to become friends with guys that are already in relationships and/or if you're in a relationship, because it's less tempting to put them into the dating potential category. Being friends is all about common interests, not attractiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Some interests I've shared in common with my female friends throughout life... Travel, art, theater, jewelry, gardening, interior design, antiques, cycling, nature (animals and plants). Gender stereotypes are meant to be broken Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 You're not going to draw honest friendship from guys, if your interests reside in predominantly female interests like fashion, soaps, cooking, etc. If so, what will you talk about? why not? if you can have a relationship/marriage with a man with those kind of interests surely you can have a friendship Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 IMO, relationships and marriages are based on compatibility and chemistry, not common interests. It's certainly nice to have a few interests in common, and to proactively show interest in passions a partner enjoys, but that's very different from a platonic friendship. The dynamic in the former is romantic and sexual intimacy; in the latter none of those things, rather commonalities of interest and perhaps shared philosophies and ideals. In reality, most men will not be interested in being platonic friends with a woman, long-term anyway. If they are, it certainly will have to include interests which they already have a passion for. Most of the women I became platonic friends with I met through interests I already had. A few resulted from dating experiences which didn't pan out on either side but where common interests existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 why not? if you can have a relationship/marriage with a man with those kind of interests surely you can have a friendship Do you have any "real" male friends? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I really did LOL! A taco fest! HAHAHA! It's funnier because a girl said it! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 I've always had male friends, to an extent. Part of it has to do with some hobbies and interests. It's neither a good or bad thing to have male friends. If you have nothing in common with another person, it's not likely you're going to be friends with them, male or female. For example, I like cars, business, politics, economics, finance/investments, hockey and photography. Most of these are predominantly male interests. I also have predominantly female interests. You're not going to draw honest friendship from guys, if your interests reside in predominantly female interests like fashion, soaps, cooking, etc. If so, what will you talk about? I agree with this, 100%. You may have male acquaintances otherwise, but the most surefire way to build close comradeship with males that doesn't necessarily lead to dating would be through hobbies. But it doesn't make sense to force yourself into hobbies that you don't really enjoy just to get male friends, of course. You might just want to consider being open to trying new stuff and see where that goes. Honestly, I wish I had this problem. At the moment, my hobbies are so male-oriented (I don't see the point in forcing myself into female hobbies that I don't enjoy either!) that 90% of the close friends that I've had in my life are male. The female ones just happen to be old schoolmates/childhood friends, but I couldn't really hang out much with them outside of school/college because there aren't too many things besides 'generic' stuff like movies and lunch to do together. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I've never been the type to have a lot of male friends, but then I'm not the type to hang out with large groups of women either. I'm very much a one on one person. Though few of my interests are predominantly "masculine," I have never had trouble connecting with guys on a casual basis. I have 2 or 3 casual, not close male friends that I keep in touch with mainly online. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I've always had male friends, to an extent. Part of it has to do with some hobbies and interests. It's neither a good or bad thing to have male friends. If you have nothing in common with another person, it's not likely you're going to be friends with them, male or female. For example, I like cars, business, politics, economics, finance/investments, hockey and photography. Most of these are predominantly male interests. I also have predominantly female interests. You're not going to draw honest friendship from guys, if your interests reside in predominantly female interests like fashion, soaps, cooking, etc. If so, what will you talk about? I see what you're saying here TBF and it makes perfect sense. Yes I don't really have any masculine hobbies or interests. I do enjoy shooting darts once or twice a month but thats nothing much to build a solid friendship on. And besides I'd label that more of a neutral "bar" hobby more than anything else . I think my only problem is that I feel as if its a social skill that I haven't developed or something. This party thing for instance, I threw one about six months ago and only one guy showed up! An old coworker...I felt terrible. I told him to bring friends but it didn't happen. I could have asked my friends to invite some of their male friends over but again, verbalizing this to them makes me feel socially inept. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovieDove24 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I've always been able to relate better with males than females (comes with having male hobbies like riding dirtbikes and drag racing). If you really want to meet more guys friends, I suggest getting involved in something male dominated (learn to shoot pool, throw darts, or go to sporting events you enjoy). Sure it'll take you a bit to break free of your leaning towards dating them mindset, but eventually you'll realize that even guys you're not attracted to can be awesome to hang out with and talk to. Thanks, I think this is going to have to take a lot of 'getting out of my comfort zone.' Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Do you have any "real" male friends? Yeah, I did at one point in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 In reality, most men will not be interested in being platonic friends with a woman, long-term anyway. Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 It's a little hormone called testosterone. It's what wires men's brains for aggression, possessiveness and lust. At some basic level, nearly all men see a woman as something to aggressively pursue, then possess, then devour with lust. This is not to say that men cannot evolve beyond that basic, primitive mindset, but we must acknowledge it is there. I've had many platonic female friends and nearly always, at some point, I had to face that demon (most men would not call it that, IMO). This is especially true when, for myself, the interaction matches up with an intimacy style which promotes attraction within me. Think of how you are with your girlfriends emotionally. That's what I'm talking about. One datapoint Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Yeah, I did at one point in my life.What happened to them or him? Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 What happened to them or him? They weren't real friends. I confided in him about things going on in my life and he would gossip about them to others and say bad things about me. He was also a bit verbally abusive. As well as his friend Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 They weren't real friends. I confided in him about things going on in my life and he would gossip about them to others and say bad things about me. He was also a bit verbally abusive. As well as his friendDid you have many interests in common, to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Did you have many interests in common, to talk about? Yeah, we did talk about politics, education, dating. Link to post Share on other sites
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