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She told me needs "space"


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I have this friend that I work with, I just moved to the area and don't know a whole lot of people so I kind of became close to her. She has gone through some tough times the last several months. She had a tough year and now is in the process of going through a divorce. I tried to be a friend and help her, ( She stayed at my place for a few days, I helped her move) and we did hang out several times outside of work together. I told her once that I really liked her and that I would date her, and she basically told me that would not happen, she does like to date coworkers and that she needs time to heal. I was cool with that, at least I thought I was, I figure that I would just continue to be a friend. Well I have continue to grow fond of her, and lately she has been in contact with a old flame of hers from her hometown, and I guess they have been chatting quite a bit, and she planned on spending some time with him while visiting her family for Easter.

I wanted to back up a little. A couple of nights ago she invited me over to a fire and had a friend of hers visiting from out of town. I went over and basically I got really drunk and was a real ass. She was extreamly pissed (I don't blame her) I hardly drink but when I heard her and her friend start talking about this guy she's been talking to, I drank more. I did apologize to her afterwards, she said that its cool, but don't ever drink like that around her agian. Maybe subconciously I was hurt, I don't know, but one thing she told me that night was that she needs her space...I have heard this before and have many interpretations of when a woman tells a man that she needs space. I'm guessing she is telling me that she wants me to back off? Which I know would be the smart thing to do, because I am constantly thinking about her, and know that I will get hurt. But she told me she needed time...I don't understand. I guess the best thing to do is just be cordial at work with her and don't have any contact with her outside of work? That would be hard for me, but I am trying to get out there and meet new people. Its just taking time. (I've been here for about 5 mos) My friends tell me that I am "trying too hard" what does that mean? Could that have to do with her tell me to give her space? Any feed back would be great....thanks lonely in NC

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The problem is you want more than friends, so it's hard to continue to be friends. The compound things even more, you've helped her through some tough times and because of that you naturally grow close to someone. When someone comes to you for support, trusts you, and feels comfortable enough to come to you then you can't help but grow close. At the same time with helping someone through a rough time is that you can't exactly make your move on someone when they are that vulnerable. There lies a divide though. The divide is she sees you as a close friend and you want to see her as a girlfriend.

 

You didn't help your situation by drinking too much around her. Take that as lesson #1 about this. Do you usually act like that when you drink?

 

Your friend is saying you are trying too hard with this one girl. She obviously isn't ready to date you, if she'd ever date you. So stop putting so much effort into her concerning a relationship. Save your energy for someone who can reciprocate those feelings. I know, I'm a hypocrite by saying that as I'm in a similar situation but my situation is farther along in the process with differing factors but the root of the problem is the same.

 

Ahh and we come to the old "space" definition. The most vague of all terms. Well, on the surface if she asked for space you should 100% give it to her, respect her wishes. Though if you are confused, ask her to define her space. What does it mean? Does it mean zero contact outside of work and limit work contact to work topics only? I don't think it would be so bad to ask her to define her own definition of space. Just say you are confused and do not want to make an awkward situation worse by unknowinlgy violating her space terms.

 

So give her her space, however she may define it. As a default, space usually means zero contact until she deems it fit to contact you. Giver her time as well. As you said, she just went through a divorce and I'm sure the last thing she needs is another relationship. So lay low for a bit, be her friend, and keep your own options open. She doesn't need to lose you either, so don't screw it up for her. Let her make the final decisions and respect them.

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Thanks WTRanger for your feedback. I talked to a friend who told me pretty much the same thing as you did. I ask this friend I work with to define space and she told me "less interaction" meaning no more contact outside of work. I was very sad to hear this, so I ask her if this condition would ever change and she said she did not know. She is just trying to take things day by day. So I don't have much of a choice but to back off and be supportive. Hopefully some day she will come around and we can have our friendship again but I'm not keeping my hopes up. Today at work she was very distant and cold toward me. It was a strange vibe. Like she hangs around this guy at work and they have a good ol time kidding around and what not. But when I come around its the cold shoulder. Maybe I dont' make her feel good. This guy is a joker, he has one of those personalities where he is able to get people to laugh. Also he is engaged. My buddy told me that my friend problably does not see this guy as a "threat" meaning because he has someone in his life, he won't pursue her and he won't violate her space. I am trying not too, but I am taking this very personal. We have two weeks of training where I have to sit there and watch these two have a good time and I am miserable. When I come around they make me feel like I am interupting something. Like I said its a weird vibe. It really hurts when one day you have a good friendship with a sweet woman, then the next day she is giving the harsh treatment. I know that I did not help matters when I drank at her house, and I know she wants her space but why the harsh treatment? Is this her way of saying "leave me alone"? Should I just be cordial and be myself, (which is always nice and friendly) or should I give the cold shoulder back? By the way at work when not in training we don't really have much contact during the day. So that is what I meant when I said that its hard during training.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Teachrmn

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She could be giving you the cold shoulder to protect herself. By shunning you, there is no way she'll even have the chance and developing any feelings (if she ever had any) for you. People will do all sorts of strange things in order to protect their hearts after a breakup. She could also be doing it as a way for you yourself to heal. By not interacting with her your own feelings will in time begin to fade. Given time, you'll care enough about her not to care about her. You'll be able to either see her only as a friend or as someone you tried something with, it didn't work out, and you've moved onto others but the two of you remain civil towards each other. You're not friends by definition, but you're not mortal enemies either.

 

It's hard not to take it personal. The why is she talking to him and not me is a messy situation in your head. But that's just it! It's all in your head. Your best bet is to be the person who you are. Don't fight fire with fire so to speak. If you become a dickwad to her, that'll give her an easy out. Just take a step back and let things work out. Use the time to gain some perspective.

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