I guess the "friendship" was a farce anyway..

[Gingerblue]

A few years back I worked with a guy and we became good friends. We were both going through divorces and just...bonded. For a good 6 months we ate lunch together at work and hung out outside of work sometimes in a completely platonic way. I got fired and we remained close--in fact our friendship kind of amped up at this point, with him wanting to spend even more time together. It did not come as a complete surprise when one night he confessed he had feelings for me and we should make a go of it. I was not feeling it, really truly did NOT feel attracted to him in any way and in fact was a bit peeved that he veered in that direction. He was my dear friend..and nothing else. He pursued for a while and then started dating a girl who I encouraged him to take out. He even told me that he would have to settle for taking her out..since I would not date him.

 

They got serious very quickly and our friendship still continued, though we didn't get together anymore, for obvious reasons. We kept in touch once or twice a month...with HIM mostly doing the contacting. I was glad he was happy with her..and tried to move with my own life. Fast forward about 8 months..his girlfriend was out of town and he met up with my friends and I for a night out. ANDDD...my heart was in my stomach the whole night. I had not seen him in months--and I suddenly felt like I had screwed up BIG time. Weeks went by and I was in total turmoil, I thought for sure he must have been waiting all this time for me to change my mind, even though he had the girlfriend.

 

Ummm...WRONG. I called and told him how I was feeling, that I was not ready for him THEN but I felt ready now...and I regretted not spending more time together when we could. He shot me down FLAT. He was in love with her, staying with her...thanks but no thanks. I was devastated

and figured I would never hear from him again..

 

A few weeks go by and he texts me..just asking "what's up"..? This began a 7 month mind-game for me. He was just trying to be friendly, but everything he did and said was interpreted the way I wanted to see it. In truth, I do believe that once I told him I had feelings...and the fact that he had once had feelings...he really SHOULD have cut off all contact with me, for his girlfriends sake. And some of the things he did and said COULD be misread. But, no matter how much I wanted to misread his actions he stayed with HER. So, no use pretending. This went on for a while until I just told him we should NOT be in contact anymore, it was too wierd now. This was all by text, he asked me if I was serious...I told him I was and I never heard from him again. Till I broke and pretended to misdial him...(I KNOW..pathetic!).

 

He seemed happy to hear from me, no mention was made of me cutting him off and we just continued along. I made it seem like I was FINE...dating people and having fun.(lies) This was the worst thing I could have done to myself, getting back in contact. I literally lost my mind. Momentarily at least..

 

Last week I had not gotten a return call from him and went nuts..sent him texts accusing him of not wanting to talk to me, wishing we had never gotten back in contact...all KINDS of psycho crap. Then I tried calling him 7 times. He finally texted back...basically befuddled at what I was talking about. He was busy, not ignoring me--but to PLEASE not call back that day as he was very busy and in fact that we should not contact each other for a while. And that was that...he wrote me off.

 

I replied...nastily of course, telling him to have a nice life. UGH. What a mess.

 

This is really just a rant, a vent. I know the answers..but just wish I had not lost my sh*t that day.

[WTRanger]

The poor guy!!!!

 

In fact, he's with the better woman and you know it. You reject him and he moves on with his life, as he should. You realize you have feelings for him after some time passes, which is normal sometimes. Then, you expect him to drop everything and come to you just because now you are ready? Wow.

 

In truth, I do believe that once I told him I had feelings...and the fact that he had once had feelings...he really SHOULD have cut off all contact with me, for his girlfriends sake. And some of the things he did and said COULD be misread. But, no matter how much I wanted to misread his actions he stayed with HER. So, no use pretending. This went on for a while until I just told him we should NOT be in contact anymore, it was too wierd now. This was all by text, he asked me if I was serious...I told him I was and I never heard from him again. Till I broke and pretended to misdial him...(I KNOW..pathetic!).

 

Why should he be the one to cut contact? He probably wanted to remain friends. Sweet Zombie Jesus! Just because he as a girlfriend doesn't mean she should be the only girl in his life. I really don't see how he was playing mind games. He was just trying to be friendly. He LISTENED to you when you told him not to contact you. Yet, you STILL BROKE CONTACT! Which in turn, made him think it was okay to contact you again. The fact is, you want him to pine over you. You want him to beg you to talk to him. When he doesn't give you his 100% undivided attention you can't handle that.

 

How is this all his fault again? Seems to me like you don't want to look in the mirror anymore. Face it, he was just living his life without and you can't have that. Your super-sized ego won't let that happen. Guys should fall all over the ground for you at your command.

 

I love the fact that you blame him for not being the one to cut contact, yet if he doesn't contact you, YOU flip out on him. That makes no sense to me.

 

Flip things around for a second here. Say you met a guy and the guy in your story remained single. Imagine him doing everything to you what you did to him. How would you feel? You would be on here calling him even worse names.

[Gingerblue]

I actually DO get how ludicrous I am being. The fact that he even tried to stay in contact with me after I inappropriately told him my feelings...knowing full well he was in a relationship-shows what a nice guy he is. I know I'm the one who is wrong here and am full aware that a lot of these feelings COULD be just because I cannot have him anymore.

 

Or I just realize what a good guy he is and I blew it...

 

Anyway, that said, if I was his girlfriend and I knew he was keeping in contact with a woman who he at one time pursued AND in turn that woman (me) had pursued HIM. I would not be all that happy about him continuing contact. Maybe I'm wrong--thus resulting in the mind games I perceive or imagine. There are some things that could be misconstrued, also. Midnight texts, wanting to meet up recently when the girlfriend was not around. Nothing at all inappropriate was said, and in our past friendship not at all unheard of. It's ME reading too much into it...my bad.

 

It goes back, I feel, to the old adage that women and men cannot be friends if there were ever feelings involved. One or the other can't handle it..and that one is me.

[peteyj]

I don't get it. You could have remained friends if you didn't go all psycho fatal attraction on the guy. You were the one who just wanted to be friends. You were the one who said you weren't really attracted to him. You were the one who never wanted to date him. It really has nothing to do with being nice or remaining friends. It's more you became jealous cause you weren't dating and he was and became serious or something.

 

Your story sounds like what a lot of woman get away with all the time. They string guys along, never really have interest in dating that person, but hey they are around like some 'gay' buddy who isn't really 'gay'. It's like you are in a relationship without the sex or commitment. And many times the women know this and take full advantage of it cause many guys are suckers or hold out some hope that one day things will be different. But wow as soon as the guy moves on, does find a girl, starts dating and seeing her and not you, you lose that free uncommitted relationship.

 

I really don't believe you like the guy. You weren't attracted to him before as you said. If the guy did suddenly drop everything for you I bet you'd be bored within a month and expect you two to go back to the old "i'm not into you like that" relationship. Great for you, a waste of time for him.

 

I'm sure plenty of guys do these things, but in my opinion, women get away with the whole "sucker' friend relationships far too often. I'm glad this guy moved on and didn't drop everything for somebody who probably wasn't a real friend in the first place. Just a tease.

[Gingerblue]

In fairness, I never thought of this all as a game. When he pursued me I was not ready to be with him or ANYONE. I had not even dated anyone after my long term marriage ended..so his advances were not only foreign to me but uncomfortable.

 

I don't know why my feelings changed, but they did. Everyone who knew me back then told me he and I should be together...but I just wasn't there. Is it a case of not knowing what you have till it's gone? Maybe. But also maybe I screwed up a chance to be with a great guy. I guess I will never know because of the psycho incident last week I can't contact him.. I just lost it...and I know it's because I was not honest with my feelings all along. "I" should not have been in contact with him..it was not fair to him..

[WTRanger]

I don't see why you two can't keep in contact. You just have to be civil about it. But you have to figure out whether or not you liked him as a friend or just liked his attention. Do you like the person or the emotion? You also need to realize that he's not the bad guy nor is his girlfriend. Why couldn't the three of you act like normal human beings towards each other?

 

Give it some time to cool off then see where it goes. But you have to be his friend first. If you aren't ready or willing for that, then I'd take this as a learning lesson and move on. Who knows what the future may hold?

 

As Peteyj said, it was a sucker relationship. But it's not just women, both sides do it. The assume that the other party will be there for them and they proceed to take full advantage of the other parties niceness. When the person moves on, you're left standing alone in the cold wishing for what could have been.

[peteyj]

Sometimes it's just the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe you just needed a close friend and nothing more. Maybe you weren't into anybody or any relationship after your divorce. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe he wanted more, sort of wasn't happy about just being friends but never told you and then moved on finally. Maybe he still has feelings for you in one way but really likes this other girl and just looks at you as a friend. Who knows.

 

I think people get into trouble when they are in these 'pretend' relationships. It's one thing to be friends with somebody. It's another to sort of be 'dating' but not really dating and pretend like there's nothing going on but a good friendship. I'm not sure how old you are but as people get older they don't hang out with friends 24/7. Heck they don't speak to them all the time either.

 

I don't hang out with my friends every day and I don't talk to them every day. Some of my good friends I might only see once or twice a month. Heck many of my friends live all over the country. So if suddenly I"m hanging out with some new friend who is a female all the time and she with me, I'd say at some point that's more than just a friendship no matter what we are pretending. If I'm hanging out with my new female friend more than I hang out with my other friends known for years, obviously we are kidding ourselves about what the relationship is.

 

YOu have to realize that sometimes it's just not the right time. And maybe the right time will never be the right time between you two. I met an amazing woman a couple months back but for me it's not really a time to be starting anything. My divorce isn't even finalized yet. Yeah it's over, no more paperwork, no more worries, but it takes awhile for the paperwork to actually get approved or whatever by the court. So technically I'm not married anymore but I am so to speak. Anyway for me it was a tough time and I wound up meeting this woman. We share many things in common, have fun together but at the same time we don't really hang out with one another often and we only speak or chat once or twice a week. Maybe she just wants to be friends, who knows. She has told me she cares about me but at the same time I am not really down to be in any relationship at this point. If things were different maybe we'd already be dating. But since things are what they are we've kept our distance from one another. I could jump in for some rebound and she could jump in for whatever reason, but how would that be beneficial to either one of us? Sometimes you have to realize it is the wrong place at the wrong time so to speak and not jump into something that you know is going to end badly from the start. Right now me jumping into anything would not be fair to them and not to me.

 

Let things cool down and see what happens. If you two were really friends and you two really like one another, maybe the right time will come along some day. Maybe it won't but going psycho on somebody sure isn't the smartest thing in the world to do.

[Monogatari]

Well, maybe our experiences aren't entirely the same, but I recently patched things up with an old friend who I went 'psycho' on for similar reasons. I suggest you put aside your feelings for now and talk out the situation as friends. You should apologize for overreacting and build your friendship up again. From your story, I'm not sure if you genuinely want a relationship with this guy. It sounds more like jealousy. But anyway, if you talk it out, wait for a while and then see how things go, I'm sure this will work itself out.

[Gingerblue]

Even the kinda harsh ones.. I know I need to hear it.

 

Yeah, I just don't know what I even want from the guy. I guess I just wish we could go back to that night when he still wanted me and start over again...with the hindsight I have now. I want the opportunity to start at square one and see where it goes because it is true..I don't know what my real feelings are. But, again..at this point it does not matter. I hope I get the chance sometime to apologize and that he realizes my actions were sooo out of the ordinary for me that he can get over it. Time will tell I guess. If I tried to contact him now and he reacted badly (he has that right) or just didn't react at all, I'm still too emotional to deal with that.

 

No Contact for a while will hopefully help me detach and see things from a more rational perspective. One can hope at least...

[WTRanger]

Well you can go back to square one. Just give it some time to pass over and then slowly see if you can contact him. Treat it as a 2nd chance to start from scratch knowing all of the lessons you know now.

 

As a guy, he should be open to talk in a few weeks. You said in your original post that he said not to contact him for a while, not forever or that he never wants to talk to you again. Taken in context, that's a good sign that he's willing to give you another shot in due time. I'd say give it at least a good month before you try.

[You'reasian]

Even the kinda harsh ones.. I know I need to hear it.

 

Yeah, I just don't know what I even want from the guy. I guess I just wish we could go back to that night when he still wanted me and start over again...with the hindsight I have now. I want the opportunity to start at square one and see where it goes because it is true..I don't know what my real feelings are. But, again..at this point it does not matter. I hope I get the chance sometime to apologize and that he realizes my actions were sooo out of the ordinary for me that he can get over it. Time will tell I guess. If I tried to contact him now and he reacted badly (he has that right) or just didn't react at all, I'm still too emotional to deal with that.

 

No Contact for a while will hopefully help me detach and see things from a more rational perspective. One can hope at least...

 

If he's got a girl, you could contact him and he probably wouldn't be offended - he's probably a happy camper?

[BCCA]

You really cant go back to square one. Ever. Life doesnt work that way, and its unfortunate, but sometimes you dont know a good thing until it walks away.

 

Truth be told, I think you want him to want you, but I dont think you actually want HIM. I really dont beleive at all that people 'arent ready for anyone'...I think thats the easy way out of saying youre not interested. If some rich, hot model wanted to date, you would suddenly be ready.

 

I think you should let him be, and just move on. You just cant undo what has already been done. He was interested, and you said no, and thats all there is to it. And like someone mentioned, if he dumped his gf and wanted to spend time with you, you would get bored and dump him in a month.

[peteyj]

There are times when people aren't ready to date somebody. Sometimes a person needs to move on from a prior relationship or they need to find themselves after a bad breakup. Yeah hooking up and screwing around can be 'the right' time anytime but thats not actually starting anything but just quick hook ups.

 

I know from experience that I'm into this one amazing woman who was into me at first, but we met at the wrong place and wrong time. We still remain in contact but we don't really hang out. She's told me she cares about me, but I just got out of a nasty divorce where my wife cheated, manipulated, did many things. It really screwed up my mind for awhile. I was sad, then really angry, then lost. I did many things I haven't done since I was a teenager. I mean I got arrested a few times, I got into brawls a few times, I've done other things I shouldn't have. Like I said I was lost and at one point it became more about me finding myself than anything to do with my ex-wife. And even after I got over all that the other fact is I spent 6 years with my ex-wife who barely worked, barely went to college, and we had no kids. So for me the truth is I'm in no shape to date anybody. Yeah I can go out, meet females, hook up, have some fun, but getting close to anybody at this point just is soo far from anything I want to do. Like I said I like this one woman, I think she's amazing, we share many things in common, but starting any relationship at this point would be stupid. I need to take care of myself first before jumping into something. And she sort of knows this and has kept her distance while still remaining friends with me.

 

So yeah there are the right places and time for everything. Sometimes people just meet at the wrong time. Maybe that changes over time...but who knows.

[Gingerblue]

that people sometimes just are NOT ready to be in a relationship with ANYONE. Honestly, until the last year or so, I didn't date anyone...and this was after being out of my marriage for 4 years. When my friend pursued me, I remember feeling almost peeved, irritated. I recall getting very emotional and telling him I was still a mess, not ready for him or ANYONE. And I wasn't. Didn't even go on a first date with anyone until a few months ago...and this was almost 4 years single. So, when I say I wasn't ready for him...I really was not.

 

I do hope that this can be resolved someday. I'd hate to think that one spurt of bad behavior on my part can ruin a 3+ year friendship. I know this is time for me to probably finally get that counseling...(yes, I need it) and find out why I do some of the things I do. Then perhaps if he and I speak again I can handle it better. Or, sadly, if we don't I can handle that, too and not feel so blue about it.

 

Either way I know I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think of being with anyone. Look how I got with a "friend"?? Imagine if I was actually in a romantic relationship with someone? This is not lost on me...that I have some sh*t to work through..

[kizik]

I'd hate to think that one spurt of bad behavior on my part can ruin a 3+ year friendship.

 

Unfortunately, it can and often does.

 

I was on-again-off-again BF with this girl over the course of 12 years. Our final break-up was a year ago, in which she expressed how unimportant I was to her.

 

And now, there will never be a friendship again between us. It's so sad, but I frankly hate her for the way she treated me.

 

Use this as a lesson, and also realize that it is very possible, probable even, that if you treat someone crappy, they will NEVER want to talk to you again.

[Gingerblue]

Wow, almost 9 months since this happened. And here I am again, in tears and wondering why I am still in tears over this..

 

So, about 4 months after this incident, and 4 months of no contact with this guy, I sent him a message...sincerely apologizing for my insane behavior and wishing him well. He responded that he wished me well also, and that was it. I totally never expected to hear from him again and I was never going to contact him again. He is in a relationship and I accept that now. Hard as it is/was...this is how it is.

 

Fast forward to a couple of days ago and he calls me to wish me a Merry Christmas. Just wanted to touch base and see how I was...which completely warmed my heart of course. He did not mention the girlfriend until I asked how she was. He said that they had been having some rough times and that things needed to change as far as her jealous behavior towards his ex wife goes. I also asked if they would get married...and he said he could see it going that way someday, but again...there are some issues.

 

We ended the call with me thanking him for calling, and wishing each other a Merry Christmas.

 

I guess I should have left the happy feelings alone...but of course today being Christmas I included his number in a text message I sent to all my contacts on my phone. Just a "Merry Christmas"...nothing more. Of course he is the ONLY ONE who has not responded back. And of course this has just set me back MONTHS.

 

I wish he had not even called to say Merry Christmas. And I wish he did not tell me he was having problems with the girlfriend. I mean, I made it clear when I had my meltdown 9 months ago that it was because I had feelings for him still. Is he just insensitive or completely oblivious to that? Why not just tell me things are fine with her??? It would certainly have put my mind in a different state today...instead of wondering why he felt the need to tell me there were problems? I did not need this at this point. I had accepted he was not in my life anymore..

 

And I feel really dumb for texting him. Though it was the same text I sent to 10 other people...the fact that he is the only one who did not respond makes me feel like sh*t.

 

Bah Humbug. Time to start over again I guess.

[WTRanger]

He did not mention the girlfriend until I asked how she was.

 

He told you there were problems because you asked. Had you not asked, he wouldn't have said anything or just kept it basic. Since he sees you as a friend he feels comfortable in telling you that they are having normal couples related issues. Not big deal, you are over-thinking this one.

 

And I feel really dumb for texting him. Though it was the same text I sent to 10 other people...the fact that he is the only one who did not respond makes me feel like sh*t.

 

He may not have his phone on or near him, so he may not respond to your text. Plus I haven't responded to any of the Merry Christmas! texts I got today because I know they are mass texts. I do not respond to spam. If you want me to respond, make it a bit more personal. Maybe he is like this? Besides, what is the big deal? He called you a few days ago to check in! Obviously on the friends level he does care. Again, you are over-thinking this.

 

It was just unfortunate timing with your feelings. Besides, with both of you not being on the same level, even if you had dated it more than likely wouldn't have lasted a few months. The best advice is to do what he did to get over his feelings for you. Go find yourself someone new.

[Gingerblue]

He told you there were problems because you asked. Had you not asked, he wouldn't have said anything or just kept it basic. Since he sees you as a friend he feels comfortable in telling you that they are having normal couples related issues. Not big deal, you are over-thinking this one.

 

 

 

He may not have his phone on or near him, so he may not respond to your text. Plus I haven't responded to any of the Merry Christmas! texts I got today because I know they are mass texts. I do not respond to spam. If you want me to respond, make it a bit more personal. Maybe he is like this? Besides, what is the big deal? He called you a few days ago to check in! Obviously on the friends level he does care. Again, you are over-thinking this.

 

It was just unfortunate timing with your feelings. Besides, with both of you not being on the same level, even if you had dated it more than likely wouldn't have lasted a few months. The best advice is to do what he did to get over his feelings for you. Go find yourself someone new.

 

 

I know you're right. I have overanalyzed everything this man has done ever since I developed feelings for him.

Of course him calling after 9 months makes me think all kinds of things. Instead of just being happy that he does still care, even if only as a friend. This is what we once were and it was awesome before it..(I) got weird.

As happy as I was to hear from him, I almost wish he had not called. Like I said, I had accepted things. Sometimes you just can't go back again and I just can't. I feel like this wound has been reopened, this regret I have that he was the one that I let get away...For ME no contact is the best for this situation.

 

In the past, texts to and from each other NEVER went unanswered. So, maybe he called to truly make sure I was okay--but not to really reestablish any sort of contact. He's a good guy and I am sure he felt bad about the way things went down 9 months ago. Maybe it was closure for him on some level, who knows?

 

I won't make an ass out of myself this time, though. While my pride wishes I had not texted him today, there was nothing strange about it. It was just Merry Christmas.

 

I'm definitely overanalyzing the fact that he divulged his relationship problems with me. I mean, the last contact we had I made it clear I had feelings for him. For ME it would have been better if he just had said that they were doing great, it would have left me with less to overanalyze. That's not his problem, though. He was just speaking the truth about his life...

[Flying Goose]

Thankfully enough guys and girls have pointed out the errors of your ways in this situation. Some deem your attraction to him 'jealousy'; others are unsure whether you have any feelings for him or just wish he still liked you in the same way. You're not sure what you want, but you were sure what you didn't want before.

 

I see the problem as follows - and this I feel can be generalised to everyone. Feelings are transient, whereas ideas are far more permanent. You felt at some point unable to be with 'anyone'. Everyone feels that way at some point.

 

Similarly, in ALL relationships, be they platonic or otherwise, love/lust/like/affection/care all come and go - they wax and wayne, eternally cycling with no constancy. At any one moment in any marriage both members will not be in love nor love nor even like each other. That has no meaning because it goes away. The reason for permanent attachment in that case is not because of one moment of emotion, but the likely balance of emotion - what you may or may not feel over a lifetime. This bit cannot be predicted by emotional analysis of how much you love someone; it has more do with ideas, what you think of them and why you do so - these things do not change. When emotions are brittle and fail/break, one can resort to ideas to reinvigorate them, to remind you why you care, to mend things.

 

The detour I feel is relevant and pertinent. When you did not feel you could be with anyone, the question you were being asked was most likely not "would you like to date me now?", it was most likely "would you like to date me?". Saying no is invariably saying never and is a permanent choice - you can't take it back. Saying no is saying that never in your entire forseeable lifetime do you think it worthwhile to date the person. This may seem a harsh extrapolation, but it is very hard to say no without it having permanence - the person is forever unable to ask you again and must move on FOREVER! If you truly mean a temporary 'no' and you know you're emotionally unavailable, then you ought to genuinely think about whether when you're better you'd be interested. In which case the answer would be no, with an explanation of why and a promise to get in touch with them with the aim of dating when you feel things are better for you; you could even give them a rough estimate of how long it will take to piece your life back together. Just saying no gets you just this situation, and deservedly so.

 

The reason I feel it is important to understand that 'no' without explanation and a plan, means NEVER is that almost always (as most people deal with such situations very immaturely) people say no because of an emotional response. In your case you were annoyed that he'd tried to push your 'friendship' in that direction. Emotions are transient and uncertain. Even now you do not know what you want - the truth here is that no-one ever truly knows what they want; we all take a degree of risk. In uncertainty, permanent choices should be avoided because they almost always end badly. Dating the guy or leaving the option open would have been far better an outcome than saying 'no' (NEVER).

 

You rejected a man who opened up to you and now (?more than a year later) you want to take it back. Morally and ethically, it would be unjust for you to cause such harm and be rewarded with the very thing you rejected. Guilt and regret (which is hopefully what you're feeling) in your case are appropriate. I hope you learn from this.

[Gingerblue]

Thankfully enough guys and girls have pointed out the errors of your ways in this situation. Some deem your attraction to him 'jealousy'; others are unsure whether you have any feelings for him or just wish he still liked you in the same way. You're not sure what you want, but you were sure what you didn't want before.

 

I see the problem as follows - and this I feel can be generalised to everyone. Feelings are transient, whereas ideas are far more permanent. You felt at some point unable to be with 'anyone'. Everyone feels that way at some point.

 

Similarly, in ALL relationships, be they platonic or otherwise, love/lust/like/affection/care all come and go - they wax and wayne, eternally cycling with no constancy. At any one moment in any marriage both members will not be in love nor love nor even like each other. That has no meaning because it goes away. The reason for permanent attachment in that case is not because of one moment of emotion, but the likely balance of emotion - what you may or may not feel over a lifetime. This bit cannot be predicted by emotional analysis of how much you love someone; it has more do with ideas, what you think of them and why you do so - these things do not change. When emotions are brittle and fail/break, one can resort to ideas to reinvigorate them, to remind you why you care, to mend things.

 

The detour I feel is relevant and pertinent. When you did not feel you could be with anyone, the question you were being asked was most likely not "would you like to date me now?", it was most likely "would you like to date me?". Saying no is invariably saying never and is a permanent choice - you can't take it back. Saying no is saying that never in your entire forseeable lifetime do you think it worthwhile to date the person. This may seem a harsh extrapolation, but it is very hard to say no without it having permanence - the person is forever unable to ask you again and must move on FOREVER! If you truly mean a temporary 'no' and you know you're emotionally unavailable, then you ought to genuinely think about whether when you're better you'd be interested. In which case the answer would be no, with an explanation of why and a promise to get in touch with them with the aim of dating when you feel things are better for you; you could even give them a rough estimate of how long it will take to piece your life back together. Just saying no gets you just this situation, and deservedly so.

 

The reason I feel it is important to understand that 'no' without explanation and a plan, means NEVER is that almost always (as most people deal with such situations very immaturely) people say no because of an emotional response. In your case you were annoyed that he'd tried to push your 'friendship' in that direction. Emotions are transient and uncertain. Even now you do not know what you want - the truth here is that no-one ever truly knows what they want; we all take a degree of risk. In uncertainty, permanent choices should be avoided because they almost always end badly. Dating the guy or leaving the option open would have been far better an outcome than saying 'no' (NEVER).

 

You rejected a man who opened up to you and now (?more than a year later) you want to take it back. Morally and ethically, it would be unjust for you to cause such harm and be rewarded with the very thing you rejected. Guilt and regret (which is hopefully what you're feeling) in your case are appropriate. I hope you learn from this.

 

 

Regret, yes. Guilt? I really don't think I did anything to feel guilty about. When he pursued me I was not ready. Not ready for him or anyone. It's not like I rejected him and went off with a bunch of other guys. Yeah I developed feelings and let him know..not really knowing how deeply he was involved with the girlfriend. Once he told me he was no longer interested in ME and was staying with the girlfriend...I left him alone. He continued to correspond with me.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I should have just told him straight off that I had feelings and that it was best we not communicate for a while. But because I had feelings I construed everything he did and said as a mixed message. I will even go as far as to say that my friends often wondered why he still contacted me...at midnight, texts asking personal questions. I get it now that he just wanted to keep it real...like it always had been. We talked about EVERYTHING. Yes, I changed the dynamics..but it was never malicious. Over a year later and a year spent meeting people and dating people...I still think of him. It's not like it was, I have moved on..knowing he is not going to want me again. We make mistakes sometimes that we can't take back.

 

There were no games or bad intentions. I had been married almost 20 years before I ever met him. He had been also. Bad timing, a lesson learned perhaps. Sometimes things like this have to happen so the next time we are faced with the same kind of situation, we tread differently.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ginger, I hope with the New Year, you can finally move on to something new and better. While it's important to have old friends close the contact you have with him has become toxic for you.

 

Maybe you should consider a vacation? Or a road trip? Find something that's prolonging and enjoyable that after a while you can fully move on.

 

You do sound like a great but like you've said timing wasn't right. Maybe it'll never be right. So instead of subconsciously waiting for him to one day come back to you, make an effort to meet new people and find new friendships.

[Gingerblue]

Ginger, I hope with the New Year, you can finally move on to something new and better. While it's important to have old friends close the contact you have with him has become toxic for you.

 

Maybe you should consider a vacation? Or a road trip? Find something that's prolonging and enjoyable that after a while you can fully move on.

 

You do sound like a great but like you've said timing wasn't right. Maybe it'll never be right. So instead of subconsciously waiting for him to one day come back to you, make an effort to meet new people and find new friendships.

 

Thanks, and I agree.

 

I was moving on, just hearing from him after all this time sent me backwards a bit. I'll pull it together again...

[Gingerblue]

Pulling it together again...oi vey!

 

So, yeah. In recent months I've moved past this whole thing, gotten over the feelings I had for him..(for the most part)..and gotten on with life. I've heard from him occasionally, with him initiating contact, then just as quickly going M.I.A. again for a while.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago he texted me. Idle chit chat, and then he told me he and the girlfriend have broken up. I hate to admit it, but yes....this made me start overthinking things. Especially when he asked me if I was seeing anyone and then also asking me to contact him when my friends and I were going out again. We texted back and forth for about 3 hours that night, kind of like the old days.

 

I then heard from him again a few days later, asking how my weekend had been. I responded, asking him the same thing....and he didn't respond. I tried to shrug it off, but it bugged me. It's the same thing he's done for the past 2 years, while he's been with her but keeping sporadically in touch...especially after I developed feelings for him. He'd come on strong and then poof....gone again, leaving me hanging.

 

My friends and I made plans for the next weekend and, against my gut instinct, I texted him letting him know we were going out. And...nothing. No response and now it has been 3 weeks since I've heard from him.

 

I know the answer here, he was bored and probably just wanted to make sure I'd still "jump" when he contacted me. Then he went on with his life and left me reeling AGAIN.

 

So, back to shaking it off and trying to forget the 3 days I had in there, actually believing he was still a wee bit interested...and that's why he contacted me after the break up. But...this is not the case.

 

Part of me wants to just call him and ask him...WTF?? But after my meltdown last year, I just do not feel comfortable initiating contact with him, especially over this subject.

 

Just venting. I'm kind of sad that he's apparently single now...yet does not want me anymore. Yeah, that bugs me.

 

I'll get over it, though. Just feeling mopey about it tonight.

[Gingerblue]

Bear with me, I just need to keep a running account of this situation, if nothing else to remind me of where I've been when I get to where I'm going...

 

SO, I tried again. I figured maybe I was being over dramatic and looking for things to be upset about. At least I was hoping so. Anyway, decided to actually call him earlier and tell him..."Hey..we are going downtown tonight, you told me to tell you when we go out so I am telling you. Let me know..." I left this on VM, as he did not answer. And he has not responded or called back. I feel like an even bigger tool...(if that is even possible)

 

I guess my question is...WHY???? Why contact me, tell me you and girlfriend broke up, ask if I'm single and then tell me to contact you so we can get together? Then when I actually feel confidant enough to do just that...he goes M.I.A.

 

As I said before, I know the answer. I just need to hear it. I need to hear that I'm an idiot. He and I go long stretches with no contact, he is always the one to reinitiate contact..(I don't contact him, for this very reason I'm talking about here..) then when I feel like we are back on an even keel he pulls the rug out from under me again, leaving me reeling and confused.

 

I hate this sh*t..

[vintagecat]

You've got to let this thing go.

 

It isn't healthy.

 

You lose any semblance of self control when dealing with these situational dynamics.

 

Your dignity and self worth (and worth to this man) in this "relationship" is shot to hell.

 

There are only "do overs" in golf and the movies, not in life unfortunately.

 

You have gotten some good advice in this thread lo these many months and yet here we are. Do not contact this person again. The note of apology was the classiest end possible to the bad situation of your own making, but you undid it with the contact. Time to own the failure and never contact or return contact again. Don't worry, he won't wonder what's up. He knows. Change your contact info, phone number, email address and get on with the rest of your life.

 

Good luck to you but I almost have no hope that you can escape the addiction to the drama of this relationship "crack". With all due respect and concern for your well being...