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"bestfriend" is lying to me


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Old 1st April 2009, 9:44 AM   #1
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"bestfriend" is lying to me

...I think to protect my feelings.

Basically I was supposed to host a party to meet bestfriend's new boyfriend. Another friend of ours offered to have it at her house, then rescheduled the party to another day where I would be out of town; she had already invited other people that I didn't know, so she wouldn't reschedule just for me. No problem, whatever. I guess I'll meet him some other time - but my bestfriend lied to me and said she wasn't going to have a party unless I was there, and that she was going to lie to our mutual friend and say she had to play at a wedding (she plays cello), so she didn't have to go.

I found out that she is going, and invited other friends of ours, but whenever I ask her about it she changes the subject or avoids it altogether....

Back story: We have been friends for 2 decades, but not close this entire time. She has betrayed me in really horrible ways in the past, but I always eventually take her back. I don't know why...I guess I hope that she will change and stop doing this.

She has always been ready to ditch me if she thinks that she can "upgrade". In college we lived together and she hitched this insidious plan to steal my boyfriend. Over the course of a month she seduced him behind my back (easy since we lived together) and then they started openly dating while I was at a family reunion, but the week I was gone both of them lied to me the entire time. I didn't find out until I got back, from our other roommate who thought the whole thing was disgusting.

I was furious - not that she stole that choad of a boyfriend, but because she betrayed my trust and she was my best and dearest friend. We parted ways.

2 years later she tentatively tried to regain my friendship and I welcomed her back. She used me, basically, to have a place to live while she was broken up with her then husband. When she got back together with him, she stopped speaking to me for 4 years.

Now, she moved back here a couple of years ago and we rekindled our friendship. I've never been anything but honest to her - brutally so, at times, but I dish out what I would like in return.

I don't know how to handle this situation, except to file this away as "people suck" and just disconnect from her without any huge confrontation. I just don't think it's worth it anymore, considering our rocky past....
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Old 1st April 2009, 9:49 AM   #2
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The actions you describe are anything BUT what a "best friend" would do. What do you get from this friendship that you have continually put up with so much and keep coming back?

Sounds like it is time to get some new friends...
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Old 1st April 2009, 9:51 AM   #3
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I don't know. I have bad instincts in general when it comes to people. Most of the people I have let into my life have done some pretty nasty stuff to me, from stealing money to stealing boyfriends. I sometimes think I must invite this sort of behavior by how I act....

I don't know if it's even worth confronting her over it. I can sense that she is looking to upgrade me - I have a baby now, I am not fun to her and my life is boring to her. They can have her, I guess. I don't want to go through this all over again....
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Old 1st April 2009, 10:07 AM   #4
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that's not a friend much less a "best friend" my friends don't do that to me. if they did i would ditch them so quick and tell them why. i bet she's one of those friends that only comes around when she needs something from you, or wants to dump on you and suck you emotionally dry. who needs that?

the bottom line is - she's lying. she also didn't go to bat for you with the change of date. avoiding the truth is still a form of lying.

people who are your true friends wouldn't consider hurting your feelings this way. tell her you decided that you deserve more out the friendship and cut her loose.

that's a good boundary to stick with.
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Old 1st April 2009, 10:12 AM   #5
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Thanks, 2s. I have trouble with my boundaries, that's for sure. I'm sad, but I know I have to do something. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.

I talked to her last night and gave her an opportunity to tell me - I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.
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Old 1st April 2009, 10:28 AM   #6
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I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.
Sorry about that BO.

There's no need to be desperate either.
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Old 1st April 2009, 10:52 AM   #7
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Thanks, 2s. I have trouble with my boundaries, that's for sure. I'm sad, but I know I have to do something. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.

I talked to her last night and gave her an opportunity to tell me - I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.
just point blank call her out on this. you can approach it in a kind way that allows her to understand that you've decided against continuing with the friendship.

how about - "i know about the gathering and i gave you reasonable chances to be honest with me - i think it's best we don't continue our friendship."

that way - you aren't placing judgment on her, just stating that you are unwilling to live with her actions and words.

don't allow her to argue the point. it is designed to be a statement - not up for discussion.

can you do that for yourself? this would be a good way to practice setting a healthy boundary and following through with the fact that you deserve more.
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Old 1st April 2009, 10:55 AM   #8
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just point blank call her out on this. you can approach it in a kind way that allows her to understand that you've decided against continuing with the friendship.

how about - "i know about the gathering and i gave you reasonable chances to be honest with me - i think it's best we don't continue our friendship."

that way - you aren't placing judgment on her, just stating that you are unwilling to live with her actions and words.

don't allow her to argue the point. it is designed to be a statement - not up for discussion.

can you do that for yourself? this would be a good way to practice setting a healthy boundary and following through with the fact that you deserve more.

why does she have to even call her etc.. Why not just freeze her out. dont return calls etc....

BO you friend sounds so junior high. promising to cancel the party , not doing it , lying about it.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:13 AM   #9
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blind otter, the type of friend she was in the past, doesn't make her good friend material. Her past alone, should have shut down your friendship since she's prone to lying.

Having said that, what's happening currently, doesn't make sense. Is it the little white lie she told, to save your feelings, that bothers you or is it that she's not allowed to have a life? I'm not certain why she wasn't open with you in the first place, that she would be going. She doesn't owe it to you not to go to a party, being thrown for her.

If you want to retain her friendship, just arrange for her and her b/f to come over for dinner. It's no one's fault that you'll be out of town.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:27 AM   #10
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blind otter, the type of friend she was in the past, doesn't make her good friend material. Her past alone, should have shut down your friendship since she's prone to lying.

Having said that, what's happening currently, doesn't make sense. Is it the little white lie she told, to save your feelings, that bothers you or is it that she's not allowed to have a life? I'm not certain why she wasn't open with you in the first place, that she would be going. She doesn't owe it to you not to go to a party, being thrown for her.

If you want to retain her friendship, just arrange for her and her b/f to come over for dinner. It's no one's fault that you'll be out of town.
The bolded statement is particularly absurd, seeing as how I only see my bestfriend once a week or less. If I were maniacal about controlling her life, I would be pissed off all the time, wouldn't I?

I have no problem with her having a life, it's the lie - just because of our past. When we reconciled I made it clear to her that I would not continue the friendship unless she made a pledge to be completely honest with me henceforth. I felt that it was my right to ask this of her, and I gave her nothing less than complete honesty.

And in the beginning this was just going to be me having her and her bf over for dinner. Then this other woman butted in and insisted that we have a party at her place instead, on the exact same date I was to have her and her bf over for dinner. So I was a little miffed, but I went with it and offered to help the other woman, because she recently broke her foot and is in a wheelchair.

Then the other woman changed the date to a date when I would not be here, and invited her friends, and it became her party instead. Whatever, fine, I don't care. I don't even really like this other woman all that much and I don't really enjoy having to spend time with her.

But if it had been me, in my bestfriend's shoes, I would have behaved differently. I would have gone to bat with her regarding the date change. I would have insisted that my best and dearest friend for the past 20 years be present.

I guess I just wish I had a friend who cared as much about me, as I do about them.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:40 AM   #11
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Her deceitful behaviour in the past should have told you how she handles herself as a person. In order to have a "friend" like this, you can't expect them to change and suddenly become someone with integrity and honesty. I think it was wrong of her to lie to you. She should have been upfront.

Having said that, I still don't believe that anyone owes anyone anything. This should have been about her happiness and the opportunity for everyone to meet her new boyfriend. Why has it become a push/pull about your needs and that she has to stand up for you?
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:44 AM   #12
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Why has it become a push/pull about your needs and that she has to stand up for you?
It's about her lying to me. I told her that I would not continue the friendship if she decided that it was OK to lie to me again. She has lied, so I must end the friendship. I was just trying to figure out whether to confront her, or just let the friendship fade away.

And ultimately, I think for me it was the fact that she hasn't ever really stood up for me. So I just had an epiphany that it's useless to be friends with people that use you. SO sue me.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:49 AM   #13
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[QUOTE]I guess I just wish I had a friend who cared as much about me, as I do about them./QUOTE]

Well, you're learning that's not likely to ever happen. Your standards are high. I can relate.

You either have to lower your standards or be prepared to not have many (if any at all) girlfriends.

For my part, it's not worth it. I already have a best friend (H) and I'm lucky to have that much. To have a good girlfriend is too much to hope or wish for.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:50 AM   #14
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It's about her lying to me. I told her that I would not continue the friendship if she decided that it was OK to lie to me again. She has lied, so I must end the friendship. I was just trying to figure out whether to confront her, or just let the friendship fade away.

And ultimately, I think for me it was the fact that she hasn't ever really stood up for me. So I just had an epiphany that it's useless to be friends with people that use you. SO sue me.
Yes, I would end friendships based on lies. In this you have every right.

As for the current situation, it's not necessarily about the current situation but harboured resentments. She's used you in the past. Can you honestly say that she's using you now?

Anyways, either confront her or not. It depends on what will make you happy and that you're aware that if you confront her, there's far less chance of ever mending bridges. On the otherhand, if you've harboured resentments from the past, perhaps it's a good time to get them out and off your chest.
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Old 1st April 2009, 11:51 AM   #15
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It's ok to "dump" your best friend. It took me 15+ years but my life has improved quite a bit.
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